In bullet points of sorts, because I am tired.
* * *
Another friend who's been around since last year leaves tonight. She's leaving the country and moving to the States for a new job, and I'm incredibly excited for her. Still, it's kind of sad, especially because I know it'll be me soon. We'll miss you S. I'm sure you'll have an amazing time out there.
* * *
Boris Johnson, really? I am reconsidering moving to London! I cannot believe people would elect such a mumbling buffoon, a public school/Oxbridge/never really needed to work guy who obviously knows fuck all about politics. It's depressing to know people can vote for someone that is so obviously not going to represent them in any way. At least the conservatives lost their only two seats in Oxford, and the ward I live in kept its Lib Dem councillor.
* * *
This morning I woke up with one of the worst hangovers of my life. I had no idea three pints of cider could have such an effect on me. Last night included the aforementioned S falling into the river, me poking most of my female friends on the boobs, and more generally a lot of very loud and very inappropriate conversations. I also ended up falling asleep on the sofa, as after coming home at 2.30 I decided to tell M I would 'watch some ER to sober up'. He then had to come get me at 5am and take me to bed. Today was mostly spent feeling sorry for myself, attempting hair of the dog (half a glass of Pimm's which did not go down well), eating barbecued sausages with lots of ketchup, drinking tea and then having Chinese take-away, whilst smoking continuously. Great. I've only just started to feel alive again.
* * *
M and I have been together for a year and a half (and a couple of days). And I'm as in love as always, and cannot believe how complete he makes me feel. This one is a keeper, really.
* * *
I am going home (to Paris) next week, for six days. The longest I've been away from Wolfson/Oxford since Christmas, and also the first time I'll be away from M for more than a day or two since September. Kind of scary, but much needed. The following activities shall be undertaken whilst home:
- Go to the hairdresser.
- Go to the eye doctor and get new contact lenses.
- Go to the German embassy and apply for a new passport.
- Go to my mother's physical therapist and get my back sorted out.
- Download all the TV series I've been missing in the last few months, and a couple of new ones.
- Eat good food.
...And generally veg out.
It's going to be awesome. Apart from the lack of cigarettes. I really do wish my mother would face the fact I smoke. Parents, eh. They'll never get there.

I am getting this urge to move to somewhere new, somewhere different. I love London, and I'm definitely glad to go back there. But there's so many cities I want to live in - Tokyo, New York, San Francisco. And I don't know if ever will.
I keep seeing beautiful photos of cities at night, and keep thinking 'I want to be there'.
I need something exciting. I really do want to live somewhere else.
Why is it that when you become an 'adult' this kind of thing becomes so much more difficult? Moving to London at 18 was the easiest thing I ever did, and I don't think it can be the same now.
I think part of it is that I keep wondering where I'll end up, what will I be doing in two, five or ten years' time...
I'm getting itchy again.

Saying goodbye to a friend from last year, who I will not see again for a long time. Two of pints of cider later (in the King's Arms, amongst the New College rah-rah-rah), I realise I'm coming to the end too.
The end of my time here, the end of the biggest ups and downs I've had, ever. The end of a life I've loved and hated with a passion. Going towards a really uncertain future, with all of the uncertainties of it - where are we going to live? Will we able to stay together? Will I be able to find my way in the world? Will I earn enough to do the things that I now feel I need to do to be happy?
It's scary. In some ways it's less scary than other changes in my life; I know this time I have M., and again I have friends left, my lovely Russian, Carmencita, Char, people I will keep connections with.
Who knows what I'll be doing in a year's time?
My hope is that I'll be back here for the evening, having a drink with my friends.
I will miss Oxford. I really will.

I can't believe this process is over. I thought I would wake up this morning and realise "It's done". But I didn't, I woke up feeling the same. People told me it would be an anti-climax, and they were right.
If I think about the hell that have been the past few months, all of those feelings of being inadequate, the paralysing self-doubt... How can I not be crying out of happiness right now?!?
I guess it'll take a while to sink in. I think I'll also take a while to realise this is the biggest thing I've done in my life, and it might be just silly academia, but it's something.
Yesterday I voiced for the first time something I've known for a few months: I can safely say I will never, ever, be an academic.
And that's a fact.

I am sitting in my department waiting for my thesis to be bound, and then I shall hand in. A whole day early! How exciting.
To be honest, I could have probably done more on it today. But I just don't care enough anymore, and so this is it.
I'll still be walking with my sauntering friend M so he can hand in his tomorrow, so I guess there won't be excessive drinking tonight. I just will be free.
And my exams aren't until the 9th and 10th of June! I might even go home for a week before that...
Oh, and I seem to have started a trend: everyone at Wolfson is now complaining about the gardeners! Joys of joys.

I've just received a final few comments from dear N, who has been one of my loyal proofreaders. And it gave me that list bit of oompfh I needed to get through the final stage of tying it all together in my conclusion.
And people, I do believe I have managed to make a coherent argument, somehow. It just doesn't look so shit anymore because guess what - what I am saying in this thesis is not actually useless! Actually, it could be very useful! Who knew?
And tomorrow: print and bind.
And Friday: hand in and get drunk.
Yay for thesis! Even though it does rhyme with faeces. I blame Carmen. Don't ask.

Reading through my thesis over and over again is making me realise how absolutely mediocre it is. Almost 30,000 words of mediocrity at that. As I said yesterday, editing really is soul-destroying; realising that really, you can't write that well. Not just that, but you pay as much attention to details as a slug.
I don't know why a slug would pay little attention to details, but it would. Promise.
I am toying with my word count, and so have come ridiculously close to the word limit. Ah ah. I don't even want to think about the poor soul who's going to have to read this whole thing, probably a couple of times. I guess they get paid though, right? So it isn't so bad. Not only did I not get paid to do this, but I've actually forked out a good 12,000 pounds (plus living expenses for two years) to do this. How great.
I have to say, I'm not exactly the picture of positivity today.
Must be the bloody lawn mowing (or mown lawing, as I called it earlier) outside my window this morning.
I hate everything and everyone.
The only thing that keeps me going? That bottle of sloe gin in the bar... It's mine. Just wait for it.

I'm only at chapter three (of five, plus the conclusion and methodology appendix which most definitely need editing) and I already want to shoot myself. And I now only have 500 words of leeway for the main body of my thesis. I knew I could count on myself on writing so much rubbish I'd reach the word limit.
ARGH.
At least it looks positively spring-like outside. But I'm sure it won't last long.
List of things I will do starting on Friday, when this... This thing is handed in:
- return all of the 25 books currently sitting on my shelf;
- get very, very drunk (it will go like this: few beers at lunchtime, Pimm's in the afternoon, then more beer for dinner, then spirits and shots, and then I shall die);
- paint my toenails pretty colours;
- buy shoes;
- buy ER season 9 and watch it all in one go;
- also spend a couple of days catching up with all the TV series which are finally starting again (House, Grey's Anatomy, etc.);
- do a lot of killer sudoku;
- start going to the gym again and lose those other 10kgs which are now bugging me a lot;
- spend hours on etsy looking for pretty jewellery;
- wake up at 11am every day for a week and not feel guilty;
- throw away the key to my carrel;
- make cakes;
- sit on the grass enjoying the sun and smoking like a chimney;
- have long coffees with my friends every single afternoon...
I'm sure there's more. I'll keep updating as I think of more things. Ah ah. I'm the goddess of procrastination.

Why do people like tomato juice? It's like drinking soup. Ew.

It seems like in this part of the world, April just does not count as Spring anymore. Today it's yet another rainy, gray day, and I'm craving summer days. I am craving them so much every time I wake up and it's not a summer day, something feels wrong.
I miss those days when you wake up and open the window, and cold air blows in; but it's that special kind of cold air, which already has the feeling of warm summer air in it. I don't know what it is; the smell of growing grass, the humidity. But I miss that moment in the morning when you realise it's going to be a beautiful day so intensely it almost hurts.
This has truly been the neverending winter. I think it started in September, and it hasn't finished yet. I am starting to think I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It would explain a lot. For example, the fact that I finally started feeling better and I started writing that one week we had really nice Spring weather. Next year, once a job has been found and a salary has been earned, I might buy myself one of those special therapy lamps. I seriously do not think I can go through another Winter like this one and survive.
Word count: around 29,000.
I am waiting for one of the two people proofreading to come back to me with comments, but so far, nada. I'm not really sure what to do in the meantime, since I've already edited all chapters once or even twice, and so I don't think I can come up with anything that needs changing. It's kind of frustrating and at the same time such a relief to know that I could print out this thing right now and just hand it in as it is. It's also very scary.
Being done with this is going to be such a come down. My hope was that I would wake up the next day and feel free, but... I just don't think it's going to happen. First of all, I'll have to wait until I get the result in June. Secondly, it's just not that satisfying because I have lost so much faith in this institution, this degree...
I think I need something to distract me... Like... Hoovering?
I really should open a cleaning firm. Or a bar. Seriously.