March 2003 Archives

The last cigarette before going to sleep. A pleasure I couldn't enjoy until a couple of months ago. Mmh.

This story is so sad. Look how beautiful she is...
Sooo... I am going to Cornwall with Sophie for two days. We're leaving tomorrow morning and I am coming back tuesday night... And I am leaving for Paris on wednesday night. I am staying one week in Paris... There are so many things I have to do! Mainly studying, hairdresser, having my legs waxed (*lol*), buying manga... But most of all STUDYING. I am going to be very serious so that when I go to Croatia I can enjoy myself. ^_^
Last night was so weird... I don't know why (probably the hormones were playing around with me) but I felt so lonely. I miss having a boyfriend, so much. I miss having that kind of intimacy with someone, that intimacy that you cannot have with your friends, I miss knowing that there is someone out there who is thinking about me in a special way, who cares about me in THAT special way... I miss having someone who I can call whenever I want, to whom I can tell everything, with whom I can just crawl into bed and cuddle for hours without saying anything... But I guess there is not really a solution. I just have to wait until I find the right person... Mmh... I just hope he's coming soon... :)

Last night was supposed to be a QUIET night. We first went to the indian restaurant (mmh), just me Sophie and Kunal, then we went to the National Theatre... Not the actual theatre - they have this really nice bar with a beautiful view on the Thames and good djs... Had a couple of drinks there, it was so nice! Full of really arty, trendy people, but nice people... Came back and... Well, as usual, James et al. were on a mission to get fucked. So what did we do? We joined them! The night included us smoking a lot of weed, them drinking a lot, Ben fucking a wall, Freddie climbing on the wall outside and all of us getting our heads wet under the tap (my hair is quite disgusting right now because of that). I ended up going to sleep at 5 in the morning and now I have the worse headache ever... Sniff.
Well, but I am finished with all my essays and I am OFFICIALLY ON HOLIDAY now. *^____^*

Well, I finally printed out my essays, now I only have to hand them in. I'm so relieved that I am finally finished...
Tonight we are supposed to go out but I am so incredibly tired... Actually I think I am going to meet my brother, come home and sleep for a couple of hours. We'll see we'll see...
Lalalala, now I can be a lazy bitch without feeling TOO guilty. How cool. XD

My essay is finally finished. I am intellectually and physically drained (and it's only 11.25 in the morning). This afternoon I also have to go aaaaall the way to Canary Wharf to meet my brother... Gh... But well. I am relatively satisfied with myself. Both my essays are quite good - I haven't put as much work in them as I should have, but I don't care. As long as I pass with a 55% or something around that I am going to be alright. ^_^
Now I don't know what to do. I have two hours with nothing to do. How wonderful. XD

Up (relatively early) to finish my essay. As you can guess, I spent yesterday doing nothing. Or better, I spent yesterday smoking weed with James, Freddie, Kirsty and later on Tom and Sophie. How good. XD
Now I have three hours to finish everything. Mmh. But I only have 1000-1500 words left (last night I wrote another 500)... Go V. go go go! WIsh me good luck...

I just have to finish reading one chapter and then I can start my essay... I know everything on Transnational Corporations now, ah ah ah!!!
I just watched an episode of ER... So good... I can't believe I am going to miss four episodes... Sniff. ER is my favourite series ever... And Abby is damn lucky, she finally got Carter!!! XD
Dean left today... I am not going to see him for almost one month... I am going to miss him so much... But in some way it's good because I will have time to think about everything, what I want right now... To think if I am really ready to get into a relationship and be serious about it and don't fuck around, that sort of things. And three weeks of not going out will be good for my physical and mental health!!! Even if I am going to miss this place and my friends so much... But this time I will email them and text them and call them more. I know I only talk about this, but... God I love London and university life. ^__^
So, I'll look to a couple of blogs and then go back to work. And tomorrow I have to wake up early, gh... But it's going to be my last vietnamese lecture... Sad sad. I can't believe this year is almost over. After I come back I will have only six weeks, with exams and everything... Oh fuck, now I am crying. Over, how can be this year almost over? I wish I could go back to september and do everything all over again... I wouldn't change a thing.
But we promised ourselves, me and the others, that next year we are going to stick together, we are going to hang out together and everything... I could never stand to lose any of my friends. Ever. And even when in the future we will probably live very far away from each other, I promise on everything I have that I will always, always stick to them. :)
Oh, Katy... Beh, non so se mi va veramente di fare jappo il prossimo anno... Non mi va di cambiare il mio degree in development studies and japanese perche' durerebbe un anno di piu' e non mi va proprio... In verita' potrei fare una unita' di giapponese l'anno prossimo, ma i corsi di development sono troppo interessanti... Forse il terzo anno... ^^

Last night I did my degree outline - all the courses I am taking and the ones I am going to take in the second and third year.
First Year
- Development: conditions and experience (1 unit)
- Comparative economic growth in Asia and Africa (1 unit)
- Vietnamese I (1 unit)
- Cultural foundations of South East Asia (1 unit)
Second Year
- Theory and evidence in contemporary development (0.5 unit)
- Analytical methods and techniques in development (0.5 unit)
- Politics of development (1 unit)
- South East Asian literatures in translation (1 unit)
- Vietnamese II OR Human geography of Asia and Africa (if I can I want to take the second one) (1 unit)
Third Year
- NGO’s, the third sector and development management (1 unit)
- Gender and development (0.5 unit)
- HIV/AIDS and development (0.5 unit)
- Language in South East Asia OR South-East Asian government and politics (same here, if I can take it I'd prefer the second one) (1 unit)
- Floater (meaning I can take a course that has nothing to do with my degree in any of the universities part of the university of London) (1 unit)
Which could be a language (German? Japanese?) or something related to International relations (my brother suggested I take one at LSE... Which would effectively be really nice), or a Geography course. Or another couple of half-units in Development. Mmh... Can't wait for my third year, it's going to be soooo interesting. ^_^
Mmh... Working on my readings. I already outlined the subjects I want to write about in the essay, I also have lots of case studies... I just have to put more material together. I am quite satisfied with myself.
This morning my alarm went off at 9 but I was so tired I put it back to 10. Then the fire alarm went off at 9.20. Grrrr. Imagine have a firetruck with its siren going off just next to you while you're sleeping. Annoying at the least. I would have liked to kill someone. But then it was good because by 10.20 I was studying. *^__^*

Last post of the day before going to sleep (relatively early, yay!). I started the reading for the second essay and it's really interesting... And it also should be fairly easy to write. I wish I had my copy of No Logo with me, it would be so useful. The title is "Are TNCs agents of development or exploiters of developing countries?". I have to say, this is one of my favourite subjects in the matter of development - it's basically why I chose to study development, I want to know more about this kind of things, how economic relationship between the First and the Third World really work. I love this course... I am learning so many things I always wanted to learn... *^_^*
Now I am a happy little girl that seriously needs some sleep! In the past week I have been doing so many things and slept so little... Ghghgh.
Tomorrow I am going to be up by 9 and I am going to be studying by 10. Waking up, nice breakfast, a long and warm shower, and then, with a highlighter in my hand, I will work hard and do a really good essay. o:)

First essay finished. Twothousandtwohundredfortyninewoooooords (2,249 !! !! !!)... God it took long. Actually it didn't because I really didn't work that much on it but well... I am rather happy with it... It's not as good as it could be but as I hate the course with a passion I don't give a shit. XD
So, tomorrow I am going to work all day long on the other essay. I have to do all the reading and start writing it, and then I can finish it on thursday (I might miss Cultural foundations again? Like I care, we have such useless lectures)... Gut gut. *^^*
I would like to mix James, Dean and Alessandro and get a guy that has the best bits of those three and loves me to death. Not exactly feasible, but let me dream, please? ;)
I don't know what to think about Dean and Alessandro anymore, it's like... I like both of them, in different ways, but I don't really care anymore... Do I really want a boyfriend anyway? I am not sure about the answer... I have to say, it's nice to just have guys for friends, because it's so much easier. When a guy becomes "the boyfriend" it just fucks up everything... Most of the times, unless the guy is really special... And I haven't found this really special guy yet, soooo...
Well, I am quite satisfied with myself. Off to read a bit on Transnational Corporations (aka my readings for essay no. 2).

The most important people in my life right now: Sophie, Kirsty, James, Dean, Jana and Freddie. Thank you because you are always there when I need you, thank you because you always make me laugh, thank you because you always make me happy. My life would be nothing without you.
And so, Jana left this morning and I have to say these 3 and something days with her have been amazing. We haven't stopped moving one second, we've been all over London, we have laughed and talked and exchanged opinions a lot. My friends all loved you darling! Especially Sophie and Kunal, it seems. *lol* I can't wait to be in Croatia to visit you and to go in all sort of beautiful places and to meet your friends too, and see all those beautiful places you told me about.
I am now 1500 words into my essay, and the rest should be rather easy (I only have to finish writing one of the main sections and do the introduction and the conclusion), so I should be finished by tonight and then I will start the readings for my other essay. If I get to read everything by tomorrow afternoon, I will have two evenings to write, which should be more than enough. I am rather happy with myself for that.
Today I realized once more that I really need to put a lot of effort in my Vietnamese and during the next month I have to force myself to study the vocabulary every single day, because judging on the exams from the past years, the questions are mostly based on that, and the grammar is really not that hard... But I am sure I will be fine with that too.
So, I am rather happy but depressed at the same time. On one side everything is fine and nice, I have my friends, I am studying things that I like, I am doing good at school, I am having lots of fun, but on the other side I sense this feeling of closure that is coming by the fact that in three days the term will be finished and I really don't want it to, and that Dean is leaving tomorrow and I'll be leaving in one week from now... Even though my Easter holidays should be more than great, I feel more and more like my place is London, and I have to be here to be completely happy. I know I will be perfectly happy in Paris, Italy and Croatia, but I know I will be a bit homesick, because London has such a special place in my heart.
What else? I can't stand to read about Taiwan and South Korea anymore, even though the subject is rather interesting... I will wait until friday morning before reading my essay again though!!! Three days of waking up early and working face me now, and then... Relative freedom for one month. But... I never thought I would say this one day, I'd rather stay here and go to uni than leave and be on holiday... *lol*
By the way, absinthe is really nice and I get drunk with just one glass of it. Gh. Last night was lots of fun apart from one event that upset me and depressed me at the same time, but hopefully everything will go back to normal before the holidays. I can't say more than this.

I upset a friend and it makes me really sad that I could lose him like that...

Soooo... Now Sophie & Kirsty know about the blog too! Heeeee-llo girls! ^^
I am about to drink absinthe... Well, if we can get to open the bottle... Gh.

To all of you that are pro-war, read this! It will open you eyes. :)

800 words into my economics essay, even though 200 of them have to be re-written (but they're from the easiest part). I finally understand what the whole thing is about. So it shouldn't take me too long to do the rest. The fact that I can't borrow books because the library wants me to pay 50 £ for a book I didn't lose doesn't help at all, but well. I am going to be alright, even though I am a bit freaked out because of the Development studies essay which will be quite difficult.
Lalalala...

News on my guys... Last night I saw Alessandro again, and maybe he is not that interesting (well I can't really judge as he doesn't really talk to me), but he's so cute... Mmh... And Dean... He's so sweet. So sweet. But I guess I don't have that many chances on that side either... *lol* Maybe I should find a third guy to like??? XD

I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I do not understand how people can completely IGNORE the war and not even comment on it. This is our world, and it's changing because of the war. It will never be the same. Ever. How can you not give a fuck? How can you continue to live without even noticing that an unjust war is going on because of us? This is about democracy in our own countries and about people dying because of our politicians. This is about our right to show disgust for people that should represent us but don't even listen to their electors.
This is about how we can change things and make the world better for everyone.
And I hate when ignorant people say "Oh they're going to war because of 11/9". THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH 11/9. Saddam and Osama Bin Laden have no links whatsoever. Iraq is under a military dictatorship, not a religious one, and Saddam is the least religious person in this world.
And I also hate when people think that this about the liberation of the Iraqi people. Bush & Blair don't give a fuck about the Iraqi people. This war is all about economic and politic factors. Economic because they want to control the oil fields (you can't even imagine how many links Bush and his cabinet has with the petrochemical industrials in the States), and politic because they have reached the point where Saddam is annoying them a bit too much and they want someone there who they can control, a puppet in their hands, and Saddam is obviously not a puppet.
And finally, I hate when people say "I would like you to be there under Saddam's regime". You know what? I'd like you to be there under Saddam's regime plus bombs dropping on your head.
Besides, Bush & Blair have already fucked up things by basically giving permission to the Turkish to invade Kurdistan. And here goes another civil war, another Palestine... Good one guys.

I did so many things in these last days...
Yesterday Tate Britain and then buses around London; last night we had dinner at Sophie's and it was really nice; then we went to Fabric but I felt sick so I came home early (12.30), and I also woke up poor Dean so that he could stay with me as I was sick... He's such a sweetheart. I love him so much. *^^*
Jana stayed at the club with the others and they had a wicked night so I am quite happy for them (I am happy I came home, I was too tired to stay at the club). *lol* Before leaving they made me play truth or dare and I had to tell them about my first sexual experience... So funny.
This morning we were out of bed by 11 and we went to the protest with Liesa and Rie... We got our "no war" posters and pins and walked from Gower street to Hyde Park... It was amazing, all sort of people, muslims, families, high school students, university students, punks, goths, every kind of person on this planet. We walked, ran, sat in Green Park and then in Hyde Park... Today there is a lovely weather and sitting on the grass with the sun was so nice, I felt really like Nana. And I also listened to really nice croatian music.
Jana is sleeping now, poor darling, she only slept 5 hours this morning... When Sophie gets back I have to go to King's Cross to change my ticket to Paris and buy a bagel... I love bagels, they are the best *yum*.
Tonight there is a party in Alessandro's flat and it's going to be weird because both Alessandro and Dean are going to be there. Ghghgh.
Anyway. When I saw all those people at the protest today I was so happy because I realised that, if there are so many people that want to change things and change how this world works, well, there might be a chance that we will change it. That we will make things better for everyone. I also realised that I love London to bits and that I don't want to be anywhere else but here.
I think that this is all I wanted to say... I am happy, I am having fun and I am so glad that Jana is here. ^__^

Jana is here and we've been doing so many things since last night, getting drunk (and stoned, well), having fun, laughing, talking (about the war), riding buses, looking at beautiful paintings (Turner, aaaah), etc. etc. The war is going on and I have so many things to say but really don't have the time nor the energy.
Tonight we are going to Fabric with looooots of people, hopefully it's going to be a very good night... And then tomorrow, if we are still alive, we are going to protest.
Anyway. Going now... Eating at Sophie's tonight! Yay! It's so nice to have people cooking for me. XD
[edit] Say hello to missy, my first tag-board hater! And as Roses says, you people that are pro war never have the guts to leave an email address or an url... Very clever. [/edit]

From the speech given by Bush last night:
"My fellow citizens, the dangers to our country and the world will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace. We will defend our freedom. We will bring freedom to others. And we will prevail. May God bless our country and all who defend her.
Don't put God into this.
And don't speak like we are the "good people" that have to prevail on the "bad people". It's just stupid. Good doesn't exist.
And how can you pretend to bring peace this way? Peace through war? I don't believe in that. War will never be the answer to our problems, and as necessary as it is to men, we can do better.

Well, let me tell you something: people say they don't want to live with the fear of terrorism. Well, yeah, understandable, but do you think the menace of terrorism is going to GET ANY BETTER NOW? Are you crazy? There will be ten times more terrorism, I am afraid to say.
And then, I ask these older people you say: do you want your children to grow up in a world where democracy doesn't even exist even in the so-called rich and developed countries? This war is just about that. Last night, for me, and I think for a lot of other people, was the last sign that democracy doesn't exist anymore, that politicians can go on and do whatever they want, and then we are supposed to support them because they send soldiers down there to kill innocent people and to get killed. Well, no thank you. I DON'T WANT THAT FOR ME OR FOR MY CHILDREN.
And I am sorry to say, but Saddam and 9/11 have nothing to do with each other, BECAUSE SADDAM IS NOT RELIGIOUS and doesn't support Al Qaida in ANY WAY. Him and Osama Bin Laden hate each other. Inform yourself before saying anything, read the papers or something, saying that is just pure ignorance. And do I have to remind you that the whole point here has nothing to do with Iraqi people but with oil? If you really think this war is about liberating people in Iraq, you are quite naive. This war is about getting rid of Saddam who is quite annoying and to get control of oil. I highly doubt that dear old monkey-President Bush gives a fuck about the Iraqi people. Let's face reality.
I am sorry if I sound really harsh, but your comment is just another example of how ignorant and selfish people can get. We don't feel secure so we bomb another people, and fuck diplomacy and all that kind of stuff, why should we care? And it's going to help so much bombing those people again, and again and again. Until one day someone will use a fucking nuclear weapon and *BOOM* there goes the world, because WE WESTERNERS, yes we westerners because it's OUR FAULT, couldn't be a bit clever and try to do things better without causing conflict every 5 minutes. Good one. Very good one.
WAR IS NEVER THE ANSWER. KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE IS NEVER THE ANSWER. We live in the 21st century, shouldn't we know better?
Besides, dear Gh!, if you believe in what you say why don't you leave a real name? Maybe you can't even sustain arguments for what you say? Are you scared of being wrong?
Sidenote: I updated the pictures page with pictures of Dean, the guy I was telling you about... He's been cooking for me lately, how cute? *^^*

And so it started. I was just sleeping when Rie woke me up.
The speech by Bush was a joke, as usual, the crappy plot line "we are the good ones, and we are going to prevail on them evil people". A joke.
I will go to sleep again, because I am too tired and frustrated to say anything else.
Peace & Love.

Where are you all? How can you sleep? Don't you see that this is turning point, that our life in never going to be the same again? Aren't you scared of the war? A real war like that... I was too small when the war in 1991 started, but it seems to me that this is 10 thousand time worse...
I am hopeless. And scared. And I want to cry because of the frustration I am accumulating in my body, it's almost physical...
God, I wish the world was different, I wish conflict wasn't necessary for men to live, I wish for so many things that I know will never happen...

I am so scared of this war, now that we know it's going to happen. So scared. And I can't go to sleep because I have to know, I need to know what is happening.
The world can suck so much...

God I hate you.
"Al centrosinistra sta mancando il senso della realtà e della democrazia che abbiamo avuto noi quando eravamo minoranza in questo Parlamento" I feel ashamed of my own country. Why did we end up with such a horrible person as a PM???

Well, now Blair has every right to go to war. Fantastic. The war is going to start pretty soon and I am shit scared of it, not because it's going to touch me (it's not going to touch us lucky westerners anyway), but because so many people don't want it but apparently nobody cares. I am so pissed off with the world. The whole university of London will stop and protest for one day when the war starts. And the same thing is going to happen in a lot of other places.
Fuck you Blair, fuck you Bush, fuck you Berlusconi and all you useless politicians. Quoting Jana: is there anyone who still thinks we live in democracy?

Sooo... My head hurts and I've been sleeping all day long, basically... I feel slightly depressed, but generally fine. And nothing is happening to me so I don't really feel like blogging... Sorry guys... :)

Che tesoro che sei ~ quando mi guardi ~ quando dici che mi chiami dopo ~ e non mi chiami mai ~ che tesoro che sei ~ quando fai tardi ~ dici scusa sono in mezzo al traffico ~ mi aspetterai ~ e se il nostro poi non fosse amore ~ giuro io non ti lascerei ~ anche se pensi che di te ~ non me ne importa niente ~ anche se non fossi un angelo ~ io non ti cambierei ~ perché sei bella bella bella ~ bella come sei ~ sei bella come ti vorrei...
I want someone to say something like this about me... I want someone to love me. And I'll take advantage of every occasion that comes to me to have it...

Well... I am very tired right now, I swear I cannot stop sleeping. *lol*
Apart from that, I am still stressed about this whole strange situation that is going on with this friend of mine... I prefer not to say too much about it here because I am not sure of what could happen or if something is ever going to happen with him... And I don't even know if I want something to happen, because it could upset another friend of mine... Just so fucked up. And now my friends say that we would make a nice couple!!! So complicated. *^__^* But well, I'll see what happens next.
Tonight I am going to see Monster's Ball again; I loved that movie, so real and beautiful... Quite depressing too, but depressing movies are usually the best ones in my opinion... :)
I really don't have much else to say... I'd like to go to sleep right now but I can't, I HAVE TO RESIST!!! XD

Fuck. I am putting myself in the worse situation ever. V, it's MORALLY wrong. Stop now! But why should I... She's the one not wanting him. And she's so fucking missing out. So much. He is so sweet and so nice. What am I supposed to do... And if I don't do anything I am going to regret it a lot... Fuck sake. I have issues with guys. Definitely.

I am very happy... This morning we walked all the way back from the club in Brixton (which is deeeeep down in the south) to King's Cross (all up there in the north)... It was the best walk ever. It took us almost three hours! I walked for three hours! It was just me, Soph and Fred, brilliant... I loved it.
We got back at 8, I slept until 12 and then Dean came over... He's such a sweet guy, seriously. He cooked me the best breakfast EVER. Mmh... So good!
So now I am a happy happy happy girl. *^^*

Sooo... He might have a new girlfriend or he might not... And he didn't come to the party, so now I am drunk, sad and depressed (yeah yeah I am repeating myself). But then... I was talking to this italian girl, Giulia, who lives on the same floor as him, and she told me she would make pasta tomorrow night and invite me AND him... I don't know why I am still hoping for something to happen, it's really not worth the hassle but... I can't help it. I like him. And you know what? I need a nice, long session of crying right now, to get all this stuff out of my system again... I know I am stupid, I know it's not worth it, but still, I am a girl (a stupid girl maybe) and I can't help it because I just like him so much...
You don't know what you mean to me... No matter what I do, all I think about is you...
Crappy line from a really crappy and stupid song, but well, I like it. :)

He is coming to the party tonight he is coming he is coming! Yes! Yes! Yes! Ok I know I am going to be a chicken as usual and I probably won't even talk to him but fuck it, at least I am going to see him. Now I have to put a bit of make-up on, just a bit and... Yes! I am wearing a nice top but it might be a bit too much... WHO CAREEEES. It makes my boobs look nice. XD Ghghgh. How stupid can I get over a guy? Lalalaaaaa... Whatever. I am happy. *^^*
Friday Five!
1. Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not? I love it! I could spend hours on the phone! But here it's more difficult because... Well, I have problems understand people on the phone when they speak english. -___-
2. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Dean to tell him that 1. he left his indonesian book in my room and 2. he has to call me when he goes to the party... Eheheh. :)
3. About how many telephones do you have at home? Here I have one normal phone and... Well one cell phone. In Paris we have... Three phones.
4. Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened? Mmh... No, not really. I heard Tom hates to talk on the phone though. XD
5. Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mail or a letter? Why or why not? If it was to say something important probably I'd prefer to write an email... Yeah, definitely. It's weird, I am shy when it comes to all "real life" interactions but with emails and letters, no problem. ^^
[edit] What am I going to say if I talk to him? What am I going to say? Help! Help! Gotta go now. Help! [/edit]

Problem: should I bring my laptop during my easter holidays?
The problem is, I am leaving with my parents from Paris, but the plan is that I come back to London from Venice, after visiting Jana in Croatia, meaning that I have to carry the laptop everywhere I go. But, one month without laptop? No no no, too much! Ok, it's going to be a bit hard, but I really can't do that. Plus, I'll need the laptop to organise my notes for the exams and all that stuff. It's going to be annoying as hell to carry it everywhere I go but I really need it...
The good point of me going in all these places is that I have to carry a minimal amount of stuff with me, which is nice as it is the opposite of what I normally do. Meaning I'll bring just two pairs of trousers, maybe one skirt, t-shirts and some nice tops and a couple of jumpers and one pair of trainers, and well all the obvious stuff, pajama, pants and socks. That is going to be it. Wow, I like the idea. I've never done it, I am the kind of really spoiled girl who always travels with huuuuuuge luggage. Good good.
Anyway. I have to go to my tutorial now and I haven't worked much on my presentation, but well. Today I am seriously working on my essay. Good good again.

It's got to be perfect... Too many people take second best, but I won't take anything less...
Good point, good point. Another song from the old times - I first heard it when I was in Ireland learning english... I was... 14! Loooong time. ;)
Today: busy! Now I have to prepare my presentation, at 2 I have to present, then I am going to the library for one hour, and then I have to do box office with Sophie for the play Kirsty, Ambar, Freddie, etc. are putting up. And later on tonight there is a party in block E... Let's hope Alessandro will be there. Ghghgh.
Oh. Oh no. My stomach. Oh no. It hurts. Stupid cramps. I knew it, I shouldn't have taken those drinks last night... Noooo...

As usual, horrible things happen in this world.
I could say this week has been weird for me, but it actually hasn't... The last days have been very nice and busy (that is why I didn't post much).
I am amazed by the fact that I can still walk on the street and think "Wow, I am in London, London, I live here, can you believe it?", despite the fact that I have been living here for more than 6 months. And I know I am going to repeat myself now, but I am so thankful to my parents and whoever else has any impact on my life for being here, and have my friends. I can't believe that last year I had so few friends and I was so miserable. I feel like I missed something in my highschool years, but now I am here and I am so happy... I wake up everyday and I am happy. And I just think it's amazing... I don't want anything else from life, make me live like this for some years and I will have enough happiness for the rest of my life.
Well after this "I am happy and I have to tell the world" post, I am going to chill out for a bit and sleep, because I am so tired... Big hugs to everybody! :*

Panic. My ex-boyfriend is in London for the day. Should I ask him to meet or not? I don't know if I am ready to meet him. Actually, I am definitely not ready. Panic.
Anyway. Last night I went out with James JUST to have dinner, and ended up coming back at 1 COMPLETELY drunk. I missed my vietnamese class and now I have the worst hangover ever and I still have to prepare for my presentation tomorrow... Ghghgh.

Caffeine pills = bad bad bad idea. Now I am too excited to work. But I am happy because now I understand what my essay is really about and it should be rather easy. Basically what I have to do is describe how Taiwan & South Korea developed and say if they are a model or not. I really think they are, and my "base" text says they are, so I really don't have to think too much about it. Just copy books. Yay. XD

Should I do something or should I not? Guuuuuuuys help me here! Tell me what do you think.
Here is a quick summary: I meet Alessandro at a party. I kiss Alessandro, and it's the best kiss of my whole life. Alessandro doesn't call me nor text me. I like Alessandro a lot, but he acts like nothing happened. Should I tell Alessandro that I like him or not?
Possibilities: I don't tell him and regret it for a while but eventually get over it; I tell him and he says no and I feel really bad and embarassed and miserable and it takes longer to get over it; I tell him and he says yes and I am very very happy but I don't know if it will work out because I don't know him that well and apparently he likes to play around girls a lot.
Comment, please?

Soooo, I am not allowed to speak about Alessandro to Kirsty and Sophie anymore. Last night I went to Kirsty's room after they got back from a party, and those two and Tom tried to convince me to call him and tell him everything. I was almost doing it but then... I am too shy to do something like that. In the end they said "If you don't do it you're not allowed to say anything about him anymore". So here I am.
It's like... I know it would be better if I talked to him, whatever the response, because it would be settled, I would KNOW. But I feel so embarassed just by thinking of telling him, there is no way. This morning I thought that eventually I will do it, but now I am not too sure anymore.
BUT! I finally found out which one is his window. And he's in his room right now... Bwaaaah.
*lol* It's so funny, I am trying to give advice to Dulcie and Dean and... They are so stupid! They love each other so much, seriously, but they don't trust each other, and it's such a shame. But it's like... I am their love advisor, I made them meet and everything, I feel so important. XD They're such lovely people, both of them, and so sweet. Guys sort your shit out come on!!! You can't keep being like this.
listening to The young mc by Superfunk... Mmh, old memories.

Explain me this: last night I went to sleep when I was still crying, but today I am the happiest person ever, without any apparent reason.
And then Kirsty tells me she's emotionally unstable... Look at me!

I cannot believe this. I lost one of the lenses of my glasses. It HAS to be in my room (I'm 90% sure it's here) but I can't find it. They should put beepers on lenses. Actually they should put beepers on every single object that can get lost. Gah.

I still like Alessandro so much. I need to do something but at the same time I can't. I don't have the guts. And now I can't speak about it in front of Sophie, Kirsty & Tom because I pissed the off with the whole subject. They say I should call him and just tell him, but how can I do that? I was almost doing it but... No, I can't. I just can't. And now I am fucking crying about it again. Again. This is just not worth it.

Monday mission, go go go! ;)
1. What is the most boring project you have ever had to? Wow. I remember about one project for italian literature last year that was quite boring. I think we (me and two of my classmates) had to analyze some book or something, but I can't really remember. :)
2. If you could be anyone or anything you wish, who or what would you want to be? Why? Ouch, this is a very tough question. I probably wouldn't want to be someone else. I am quite happy like this... ^^
3. What is one thing you refuse to ever put in your mouth? *lol* I thought of something quite indecent, but my answer would be liver or fried brain. Gaaah. :/
4. If you could film a documentary about yourself and have yourself followed for 1 day, what would that day look like? And why? It would be a documentary on student's life in London! I'd like it to be on a normal week day, me going to uni, studying a bit (not too much), meeting up with my friends to go to the pub in the afternoon, or in someone's room to smoke and chat, and then me and my friends going out to some nice club, have fun, meet nice people and come back home at 6 in the morning. ^__^ And it would be like that because that's what I want to show, the perfect day for me. :)
5. What is the longest distance you have ever travelled to meet someone for the first time (blind date, blogger meet-up, etc). Was it worth the trip? It happened to me only a couple of times... When I was with my parents in Tuscany and got the train to go to Bologna once and Roma another time and meet up with my friends from it.fan.japan.sailor-moon. They were not like very long trips (just a couple of hours each), but they were definitely worth it. The longest one will be very soon when I'll go to Croatia to meet Jana, and it will be even more worth it. ^^
6. What do people usually assume about you that isn't true? That I am unfriendly or arrogant or something. It's just that when I am at a party or with a lot of people I don't know I get all shy and insecure.
7. What are you craving for lunch today? I'd say dinner now! Well, I crave... Spring rolls, or a nice japanese meal, with that weird japanese salad, miso soup and lots of salmon sushi and maki and then green tea flavoured ice cream. *yum*

Jana asked me a funny question (why don't you also answer in the comments): what is the weirdest place you kissed on?
Before saturday night I wouldn't have known, now I can say - on a sofa in the living room of a luxury yacht in the middle of London. Quite cool answer, no? ;)
Anyway, I woke up 10 minutes ago after 12 hours of sleep (I forced myself to sleep this much because after saturday night I slept just 2 hours and I needed rest) and now I seriously need a shower. Then I'll do my readings for my tutorial this afternoon and the work I have to do for vietnamese tomorrow, and then if I am still alive I'll start the readings for the essays. Mmh. Sounds like a good plan to me. ^_^
I think, now that I went out, finally, after 3 weeks, and I FINALLY had sex (*lol* sorry guys, am I becoming too straightforward? But well, a girl needs some things in the same way a boy does), after 4 months, I am MUCH more relaxed. Aaaaaah... ;)
Love to all of you. ^____^
[edit] my friggin' left hand hurts like a bitch because... I did the most embarassing thing ever. As I was leaving the boat on sunday afternoon I fell down the stairs and hurt myself. My fingers are all horrible and red and wounded and hurting. Gaaah. I don't think Alex is going to call me after that. ;) [/edit]

Sooo... Last night.
Sophie, Ambar and me went to The Fridge, a trance club. In the beginning it was a bit weird because there were only girls with fluffy boots and bikinis, but then the crowd turned a bit more normal. Sophie and me danced like maaaaad, we had so much fun, and we bought all kind of glow in the dark shit (bracelets). Then we met these really nice guys... Alex, who gave us lollipops and glow in the dark sticks, and Stewart... Ambar left at around 4, we stayed until 5.30. Basically what happened is... Alex works on a boat (people rent the boat and he cooks, cleans around and go all over the world), a luxury yacht, which sleeps 11 people (including crew), with 5 bedrooms, 3 decks, kitchen, big living room & dining room, and all sort of cool stuff like bang & olufsen cd players and flat screen tvs. The point is... He also LIVES on the boat. And nobody was there last night, so we decided to go back there, the four of us, Alex, me, Sophie and Stewart. It was AMAZING. There is this really cool harbour near the Tower of London, with all these huuuuuge boats. And this guy's boat was the BIGGEST ONE. It was so cool. So me and Sophie spent the night there with our two guys (*blush* well, now everybody knows I am definitely not a virgin) and it was just SO cool. And this Alex guy is very nice... I'll see if he calls me and if he doesn't I might call him myself. Dunno. And kissing a guy who has his tongue pierced is DEFINITELY fun. And I found out I also like nipple piercings. Eheheh. Naughty Vanina. *^^*
Anyway, it was one of the best nights of my whole life. I feel so happy and nice. I wanted to tell things about last night a bit more precisely, but well, I can't do it for all sort of reasons. Just know that I had the time of my life.

Is that I had a wonderful night, ended up in a 86 foot (26 m) long luxury yacht (I am not going to say what I did in there but you can imagine) and got back today at 2 (in the afternoon). More infos when I will have more energy to tell the story. And by the way, I like Alessandro but I don't care because I can find as many cute guys as I want. Like Alex. I'll write about him later. By the way, kissing a guy with a pierced tongue is... Mmh... Nice. ^^
Man, I love London. Things like that can only happen in London.

Ok, the guy who disapperead called his mom yesterday, so he should be ok.
I spent a lot of time in the library and finally found all the books for my essays. Now I have to actually start reading them and write the essays. Gaaah. They are quite interesting though. One is on the impact of the IMF's and World Bank's policies on developing countries, and the second one on the economi development of Taiwan and Korea, and whether they can be considered as a model or not. I am quite satsfied. If I finish them early I might also do an essay that is due on the first day of third term... I think I'll do the one on the influence of Islam in Indonesia. I have to say, I get to study such interesting things. I am happy of being in my uni. ;) Even though I hate the libraryyyyyyyyyy gaaaaaaaaaah.
As Mara said, I am feeling definitely better now... I still feel so powerless on the whole Alessandro thing, but I don't have much choice, so it's better if I try not to worry too much about it. And then, tonight I am going out and... Well, I hope to meet a cute guy to kiss. ;)

One of Kirsty's friend that I also know has been missing for the past three days. His cellphone is turned off and he doesn't answer his home phone. This is such a scary thing. He's probably ok and something really stupid happened, but still...

Well, I am up and ready to go the library and put some study together (gah, you wouldn't believe would you).
Thank you everybody for the compliments on the layout, I am really happy you appreciate it, and I am quite proud of myself for the results. *^^* Oh, and pucci-Roses, che pucci immagine che hai fatto!!! Nana and Hachi together are so cute!!! I want a Nana too! Yeah, I'd say I feel more like a Hachi than a Nana. ;)
Can't wait to go clubbing tonight. And I am quite lookibg forward to the library too (no, I am not being crazy XD). The earlier I do my essays the better it will be when Jana comes around. ^^
Aaaaaaand... Friday five.
1. What was the last song you heard? I am listening to music so now... It's Join me by HIM (another song I listened to a looooooooong time ago).
2. What were the last two movies you saw? I started to watch Scarface the other day but I didn't finish it... Before that Lost and delirious, beautiful beautiful movie.
3. What were the last three things you purchased? Ok... A tube ticket yesterday, and then... A sandwich and a bottle of Fanta at SOAS on thurdsday.
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend? Work on my essays, have fun when I go out clubbing, spend time with my friends and be happy. *^_^*
5. Who are the last five people you talked to? Rie, Liesa, Sophie, Carole and... A guy whose name I don't know who was around Alessandro's flat yesterday night.

Mmh... I had the nicest thai dinner ever, but it was sooooo boring... Anyway. (*lol* I am such a bitch, my mom's friends invite me to a nice restaurant and the only thing I can say it's that it was boring).
Then I went to the pub for like 5 seconds (it was closing, stupid pubs that close at 11), met with Sophie, Ilaria, Carola and lots of other people I don't know... I got one of the books for my essay from Carole (the book that is in every reading list for development studies, and of which there is ONE copy in the library, for fuck sake, we're in one of the biggest courses in SOAS, BUY MORE COPIES!!!). Carole lives in the same block & floor as Alessandro, so I was hoping to see him, but he wasn't there... But I think that I worked out which one is his window (how sad). *lol*
I received a mail from Jana that made me feel so much better about Alessandro, because it is a nice feeling to like someone, and it's more for me than for anyone else, and I wouldn't give it up for any reason in the world, even if I might be unhappy about it. Thank you darling, you are so right. :*
Now, medusina darling, for clubs... I have no idea on whether I like trance or not, but I will try it. Until now, my favourite clubs are without a doubt Fabric (my first love) and The Cross (the garden is just so nice, and the big comfy couches... Mmh). I haven't been to that many clubs anyway... Apart from these ones I've been to the Mayfair Club (my flatmate works there) and The End (which wasn't bad but nothing compared to Fabric). I love to go clubbing, it's so much fun, and you meet so many nice people... London is such a friendly city.
Oh, Gnaat, for the Nana layout... I wanted to do another pinkish-purple layout again, but didn't because of someone (Hi Tom!) who doesn't appreciate purple that much. *lol* I am joking. I just got a bit sick of pink anyway. ^^;;; I have to try other colours!!! ^^
What else? I am happy even if I am unhappy, and I am a living contradiction. P.S. Some pictures coming in the pictures page - Hi Tom, thank you!

I am a bit angry with myself - I cannot believe I spent the whole day doing nothing... Sometimes I hate this, not having any will power... But it's not even that, it's my mind is elsewhere and there is no point in me trying to do something while I feel like this. And don't get me wrong, my mind is not just on the boy (although I do think a lot about him *lol*), it's just elsewhere...
I am happy though, I am not particularly depressed nor anything. And then Jana is coming in two weeks, and so are Tanith (Sophie's friend I met at the beginning of the year and who is the nicest girl ever) and Sophie's sister (she's such a sweet girl) and we are going all out together and it's going to be great. And I'm quite excited because tomorrow finally we're going out, I haven't been properly out in... Three weeks? I was getting used to go out every week and now for the past weeks I had a lot of different reasons why I couldn't... Paris, my friends being away... Going out is such a good thing for me, it makes me relax, get out all the stress and go craaaaazy... We're probably going to try a new club tomorrow, The Fridge but I am bit worried about the music... They say it's going to be celtic trance? Mmh... Weird stuff. :)
What else? I really don't have a lot to say. I am just quite happy and satisfied with my life, even now that I am not doing anything.
Soooo... Off to eat some thai food, yummy. And I might go for a drink with Sophie & Kirsty & I don't know who else later. Nice nice nice. *^_^*

I haven't done anything all day long. Tonight I am meeting two of my parents' friends and I think we are going to eat thai, which is good. Mmh. I am really not in the mood for a long post, sorry...
I still haven't seen him around. And the fact that I've spent my day looking out of the window to see him because I had nothing better to do is not a good thing. Nah nah.

Finally! Blogger decided to stop working just when I was uploading the new layout. Mmh, so, what do you think? I really like it. *^^* And Nana and Ren are sooooooooooo cool... I want a boyfriend like him! No, wait... Right now I want someone else. I am still obsessed and stalking him from my window, which is not working as I haven't seen him around in three days, but well. Gah gah gah.

New layout coming... Yay. ^^

I didn't like the layout at all, so I did a new one with the same picture. I am proud of myself! You'll see you'll see.

What do you think? Do you like or not? For or against? ^_^

I am going to work on the new layout now! Some Nana & Ren loooove coming soon. *^^*

Does anyone want to join a collective blog in english? Leave a comment if you want to join, please please?
I am at uni, posting from the computer room. I am quite pissed off as all the books I need for my next economics essay (which is very important as I didn't write the second essay for that course therefore I HAVE to get a good mark for this one) are out, even though they were due two days ago. Grrr.
Vietnamese went well, even if I had the scare of my life when I entered the class and I was ALONE. Gaaaah. But then a couple of other people came so I was alright. ;)
What else? I cannot decide whether I should stay here and study while waiting for my lecture at 3 or go back home (baaaaack home! Baaaaaaack home! It's a long story) and do nothing and then come back here. I'll probably stay because I am too lazy. XD
Anyway. Not much else to do, I feel so stupid because I am continously looking around to see HIM in case he is at uni. Sad sad person that I am.
Lots of loooooooooooooooooove to everybody. *^_^*

Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart ~ Who holds the stars up in the sky ~ Is true love once in a lifetime ~ Did the captain of the Titanic cry ~ Someday we'll know ~ If love can move a mountain ~ Someday we'll know ~ Why the sky is blue ~ Someday we'll know ~ Why I wasn't meant for you ~ Does anybody know the way to Atlantis ~ Or what the wind says when she cries...
My God... This song. Such a long time ago. I can't cry just because I just put mascara on. ^_^

It feels nice to wake up early in the morning. Mmh. I swear, the last time I woke up at 7 was at least 6 months ago. The last time I WENT TO SLEEP at 7 in the morning though wasn't so long ago. XD My schedule is severly fucked, yes yes. ^_^
(it's a secret and I am not allowed to say it around anymore, but I still like A.)
(I made the rule that I am not allowed to say it anymore so this is really stupid)
(whatever!)

I came to realize that I created the problem. It's not his fault, because he hasn't done anything. Apart from kissing me when we were both quite drunk/stoned, something that happens all the time to lots of people. I thought that it was something special, that was the mistake. I can't blame it on him, really. And that is why I still like him, he is not a dick, he has not been a dick to me, he was fine. Seriously, I have done it myself a lot of times, kissing random people I wouldn't even remember or think about the morning after. This time I made the wrong choice and kissed a guy I could actually like FOR REAL. So... If I see him around again, I will try to be nice and all, try to get his attention without showing that I like him. I will just be friendly. And now I will stop worrying about it, because there is no reason to worry too much.
This is the something I needed, the only thing I can do. And it's nicer now because I actually wanted to fancy someone, and now I do fancy someone and I don't need to be melodramatic about it.
Non ho difese ma ~ ho scelto di essere libera ~ adesso e' la verita' ~ l'unica cosa che conta ~ dimmi se fare qualcosa ~ se mi stai sentendo...
This has been my favourite song for the last month. Luce (tramonti a nord-ovest) di Elisa. Mi piace un sacco.

I have to do something about this, something something... There is no way I can keep being this miserable. NO WAY.

Ci sei tu e io m'illumino ~ Mi agito quando non ci sei ~ Ma tu non vedi niente ~ pensi ad altro ormai...

Oh my God, thank you Lu-chan! Che dolce, grazieeeeeeeeeeee... *^_^* Come dici tu, gli amici si vedono nel momento del bisogno, e io li ho ritrovati tutti... E sara' anche una ragione stupida per stare cosi' di merda, ma a loro non frega nulla... E forse e' la prima volta che ho degli amici COSI'. ^__^
Apart from that, I feel quite horrible this morning, because of hangover (I feel rouuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh) and general sense of unhappiness. I still obsess about him sadly, I didn't forget him overnight. I aleady see that I am getting in the routine of "I like him - he doesn't like me - I feel bad - he doesn't even know about me"... I can just hope that either 1. he notices that I am the woman of his life (*lol* joking, let's say that he notices that I am a nice and cute girl) or 2. I get over it, which is not my favourite option but the more probable. And the point is... From what I heard it sounds like he is a bit of a dick head with girls but... I swear, I really like him. And the bad thing about the whole situation is that I already lived this, "Oh I like the guy who thinks he is really cool and he only thinks that I am annoying"... Ok, enough talking about that.
Today it's my free day, so I might as well put some work together for Vietnamese (I have to catch up what I didn't get in the two hours of class yesterday, when I wasn't concentrating at all), and maybe start the readings for one of my essays...

Sooo... To make it short... He came to the party for like 15 minutes. I exchanged 3 fucking words with him. And that was it. I don't if he was ignoring me or not... I couldn't tell. Anyway, he left and I got really upset and stayed in my room for one hour CRYING MY EYES OUT. I cannot believe I am this stupid. But anyway it was worth it because it got all the stress out of my system and bla bla bla. I went back to the party and got more drunk and found out about more people who care about me, and it was nice. So now I am more or less fine, apart from the fact that I like him and I cannot stop liking him, but well. I hope I'll have a chance with him someday, and if I don't... I am going to be sad and cry a lot, but I am a girl so I am allowed to.
And that's it really, and now I am going to sleep.

I'm just a symptom of my time,
just a victim of my mind
Turning deaf and dumb and blind
’cause I need to
I'm inescapably obsessed with the thoughts I have repressed...
This is one of those songs I listened to a loooong time ago. Symptom of my time by Marie Frank. It says the truth...
I am all dressed up and nice. I don't want a guy, I just want to look cute FOR MYSELF. Fuck it. Guys are just stupid. He is just stupid because I could be... Well, good. Even if it was for one night. You don't know what you're missing boy! ^_^
Hopefully I'll get James' digital camera and take lots of pictures. La la la...
I am not unhappy. I am fine. And I am not lying. ^_____^
And now I am standing at the edge of my world... Looking for a place to stay... Standing at the edge of my world...
Another good old song. Welcome 2 by Slut. Mmh.

One positive thing: I was so stressed I started tidying up my room to get less stressed, and did a bit of laundry, and now my room is all tidy and nice. ^_^

So, it wasn't him on the phone (it was Dulcie). And he is not coming to the party tonight. Fuck sake. I really have no luck whatsoever.
Well, it doesn't matter. I am going to try and calm down about the whole thing. And wait for the next "social event" to see him and maybe talk to him. Apparently he hasn't got a girlfriend, so there is some chance of something happening. But Sophie says that he's the kind of guy who flirts a lot soooo... I don't know. I am going to think less about it or at least obsess less about it, and we'll see. I won't call him nor text him, there is no point.
It's not a good thing to go from an obsession (James) to another one (Alessandro), but well, I am like that. Is it so hard to find a nice guy to be with? Mmh... I am definitely feeling better now though. There is no point in feeling so bad about something like that.
Thank you to all the people commenting. Really, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. ^_^
A couple of sidenotes: Lu-chan, non saprei per la fanlisting... Ho paura che se gli rompo troppo le scatole ce la ufficializzano ancora di meno. ^^;;
And Karma, I said I would get drunk just because when I am drunk I am not that shy anymore and do all sort of things that I normally wouldn't do. *lol* I was actually joking... I don't count on getting the guy by getting drunk. ^_^

FUCK FUCK FUCK. Someone just called my room phone and I didn't pick up in time. Fuck fuck fuck. Yeah, wait a second though. It's 10.20. I really don't think it was him. Fuck fuck fuck. What if it was? Fuck fuck fuck.

It's strange the way we can't say no... Until we love them all.
I love The Cure so much. And Robert Smith's voice is so sexy, mmh... ^_^
I woke up this morning and my first thought was... "How could I put myself in such a situation?" But I can assure you that tonight I am going to be ready to GET THE GUY. Nice top, a bit of make up... And I am going to get completely drunk. XD I already bought a bottle of vodka for the party, and then we're going to have sangria and beer. Mmh. I know it's not fair to my liver, but I need to get drunk, at least I will have a bit of guts to do something, and if it turns out badly, I am drunk and I have the right to cry. XD
Just give me a sign, say anything...
Good Charlotte are pretty good too. But I want to download more! And I can't, stupid firewall.
You know what though? It's nice to fancy someone, to feel like this... To be able to think about someone like this. And the more I try to convince myself that the guy is probably not that nice and cute anyway, the more I know it's not true. He must have something special. I wouldn't be like this if he hasn't. And ok, if it goes wrong, I am going to feel like shit for a couple of days, or more probably I'll still like Alessandro for a long time, but it's worth it... Just for that kiss. Or maybe not, but I don't care. I don't want to repress myself... I am just sorry that I have been obsessing about him so much with all my friends, they probably can't stand me anymore! :)
Yesterday was so funny, James was trying to convince me that I don't need a boyfriend, I'll be ok with him and Freddie and a male hooker for the sex part. XD I am happy my friends are trying to make me feel better, and they love me nonetheless, even when I am such a pain in the ass. ^_^
I got a couple of old cds with mp3s in Paris, and now my playlist has 1321 songs. Yay!
Blogging in the morning is cool. I feel very productive. ^__^
One last thing: I don't know why, but... If something nice happens with Alessandro, I feel like I have to tell him about the blog. I want him to read the whole thing, even if it might scare him, because everything I write in here is so ME... It's probably not a good idea though... Mmh...
[edit] Again, thank you everyone for the feedback. Thank you SO much. It seriously makes me feel so much better, seeing that so many people think I can do it. I will try my best guys. I will. I am going to try to get him in every way possible. Maybe even for just one night (bad thing for my ego, alright, but whatever, it's better than nothing)... *lol* Seriously, I am so stupid. ^_^ [/edit]

I feel so stupid for being so depressed over a guy I don't even know... But well, that's me.
And I still can't believe that... Well that those kisses didn't make him feel like I did. I swear, I almost had to run away from his room. It was all too... Intense for me. And I was afraid of doing something stupid (ie. sleeping with him). And for fuck sake, James said that he it was the first time he saw me that happy, friday night, when I came back from his flat. I couldn't stop smiling. And why did he ask me if I was ok now when I told him I was a bit confused as I have broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years just 6 months ago?
If it turns out he doesn't like me, well... I am going to feel cheated by life. And disappointed. I know I sound melodramatic but... I feel like this, I am so terribly romantic and girly, but I cannot believe you can feel that near to someone and then it means nothing... I don't want to believe it.
I am sorry if all this sounds really stupid; I know I am probably exaggerating things and everything, but I cannot help it, because I had the impression he was special and maybe he's not...

I did the most stupid thing ever, or at least everyone says it is. I wrote him a text saying something on the lines of "Hey, I am back from Paris finally... If you want to call me you have my number". Obviously he hasn't texted nor called... I swear I am so sad, so unhappy, and I know it's stupid but...
I am going to see him at a houseparty tomorrow night anyway. Let's hope for the best.
Please please please...

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should call him or not. And what if I will just sound stupid?
Help.

I am going to do it. I am going to be ok. I still have like... 6 hours to get psychologically ready. XD

Taken from klee.
1 MINUTE AGO: I was writing to Cat darling how I feel
1 DAY AGO: I was stressing about Alessandro and actually at this exact time I was already in bed sleeping
1 WEEK AGO: No idea... I probably was stressing about my essays (yes, I do stress a lot)
1 YEAR AGO: I was in Paris, desperate for my life to change
I LOVE: My life
I HATE: Not knowing what people think about me, not having someone to talk to
I FEAR: being alone, not having friends
I HOPE: that Alessandro likes me (I am obsessed)
I FEEL: quite happy and relaxed (I know you don't believe me, but I really am ^^)
I LISTEN: my winamp playlist
I HIDE: my conversations on icq regarding sex from my parents XD
I DRIVE: myself crazy!!!
I PLAY: with Sim City 3000
I MISS: My friends ^^
I LEARNED: that I have to stress less about things
I KNOW: that I'll always have my friends
I WAIT: to see Alessandro and see what happens
I NEED: someone to love me
I THINK: that I am happy to be who I am ^^
Thank you and you and you and you and especially you per il sostegno morale! Sono pronta ad affrontare Alessandro e vedere cosa succede, e non rimanere troppo delusa se non succede niente. ^_^
And I am happy to go back to London tomorrow. ^_^

Ragazze, io mi fido di voi e smetto di preoccuparmi eh? ;)
I'll stop worrying now. I mean... He wouldn't have started kissing me if he didn't like me... I hope? *lol* But he was the one starting it... I wasn't even expecting it, you know? Yes, ok, we were in his room alone but... AAAAAH my face is turning all red. *^_^* I think that at one point of the night I even did a bit of sexy dancing around him with Sophie. XD
Going back to the kiss (sorry, yeah I am obsessed), it really was the best kiss of my life. You wouldn't even imagine HOW good it was. I think I was almost trembling at one point. He did all the things I like, and it was never too much. Please, God or Goddess or whatever is up here, if it exists, even if me and Alessandro are not going to be together, can I at least kiss him once again? Pretty please?
[edit] And you know what, even if I am going to get hurt, I am going to try and "get him" because he's worth it, I think he is so worth it... [/edit]

I am freaking out. Why didn't he answer the text I sent him this morning? Why why? I'm so sure he doesn't like me. This morning he probably thought he had made a huge mistake... But... Those kisses... I cannot believe they didn't have the same effect on him as on me... I don't know what to do. Even when I go back on monday, what should I do? Call him? Or text him? For fuck sake, why do I already like him this much?
The point is... It's so weird. He wants to spend his life travelling and then wants to open a small bookshop. That's basically what I want too!!! And it's just... I didn't feel embarassed talking to him and... I even told him that I was so happy, after we kissed, and I was happy because I went out last night...
This is so bad, it was nothing V, you shouldn't be obsessing like this. There is no point... You are going to get so hurt...

I don't like this. I am happy but so scared. What if he doesn't like me? What do I do then? I am already obsessing a lot and it's not good because I am going to get hurt, so hurt. I am scared. And I don't have the guts to call him or text him again. Why is it so complicated to be a girl???

First of all, I missed my train to Paris. But then was lucky enough to find a nice ticket seller who changed my ticket even if he wasn't allowed to. So now I am in Paris again, with my dear old computer.
Anyway. Last night. The african party was nice but the place was a bit too packed, so after the guy finished singing (he was very good) we went down to the pub and danced like crazy. After that we went to a party in Dinwiddy... It was in block C on the last floor and... This really cute italian guy lives there. His name is Alessandro, he is doing politics and arabic. He is from Naples but before coming to London he lived in Tokyo for one year, so he also speaks japanese. In the beginning we were just talking normally but I started to become more and more interested... Eh eh eh. I started liking a lot the way he speaks, he says things, and how he thinks and asks questions... By the end of the night (around 3) we were alone in his room and we started kissing and... MY GOD. He is a goooood good good kisser. Even now if I think about it I feel that hole in my stomach and all the feelings and everything... It was that kind of kissing where you stop and move and get nearer and then farther and hide and seek and touch just the lips and play around and it was... Whoa. In the end I went to bed (I did nothing more than kissing him - I don't want to fuck up things too quickly, and I am scared, yes I am, of having sex with someone that I think I really do like)... I hope it wasn't just a "I am drunk" thing, because... I really do like him - it's probably stupid to say this as I met him just last night but... I'm properly infatuated... And so happy!!!
On a side note, I told James and the other guys who were in my flat partying about it, because I was so happy and... James was acting in a weird way. He fucking almost kissed me on the lips... And I don't know why but he was absolutely convinced that the guy was waiting for me and I was going back, and then he tried to convince me to sleep with Alessandro...!?!?! Strange.
I am happy and can't wait to go back to London on monday and hope Alessandro really does like me because it could be so nice, even if I am scared like shit of involvement right now.

I am so happy so so so happy. I met him, the guy, the nice cute smart guy, and he's right here in my halls of residence and he's italian and... He's such a good kisser. I am... I am... Undescribably (that's probably spelled wrong) happy. His name is Alessandro. Fuck, I can't believe I have to go to Paris tomorrow. A normal nice guy. He is so cute. Now I can sleep for a couple of hours and then I have to go. I can't believe it. And I'm also (possibly) the drunkest girl on this planet. And happy happy happy.