April 2003 Archives

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! So we're not meeting tonight because he's working until 9... WHAT? WHY? Does someone up there hate me or what??? This is so sad... Sniff...
So I am going out to dinner with Sophie & Kunal & Kirsty & etc...
And you know what? He said we can meet up on SUNDAY. Sunday... That's AGES away... Sniff...
P.S. Food is my friend. I love you Snickers.

Mmh... Actually, I think tonight is going to be my first proper date... I guess that when you're in a long term relationship it doesn't really count and apart from that I've never had a date. Cool. XD
My essay is hopeless - I wrote 300 words in 3 hours... I might not hand it in... I dunnoooo.

Some Italy-related political comment: EVVAI!!!!
I am definitely better today. I am going to the library in a bit and I'll start working on the essay. Mmh.
Today is Wednesday. Lalala.

So. I am in a funny mood again, but I guess I'll be alright tomorrow. I just have to get myself out of this dark place in my head, work on my essay and just stop being so unsecure about everything. I will be alright. And hopefully this thing with Tom is going to be alright. Hopefully...
I just have to think less and act more.

Oh God. Sudden depression with no reason. Why does it always happen like this, out of the blue? I hate it...

My first lecture in more than one month and I run away after one hour. *lol*

I am up and about already (yeah, for me it's quite early as my first lecture is only at 11), looking for books for my essay on the soas library catalogue... So that this afternoon I can go there and work on my essay. Boooring. Today I decided to got to the economics lecture because I can't be bothered with the vietnamese one and I haven't been studying vietnamese for like, 5 weeks... *ehm*
I can't wait for pucci-Tom to call me again... I decided he's Tom pucci (pucci is this stupid italian word that means "cute", more or less) because he's the fourth Tom in my phone... ^_^;;;
Tonight I have to decide what to wear tomorrow night. Mmh... Something seeeeexy. *lol*
What else? I'm quite happy and everything. I've just seen Rie's dad, he's so... Japanese. XD But I was quite embarassed because I was in my pajamas (and I have this really tight t-shirt and you could see my nipples, fuck ^_^;;;;).
It's quite weird, yesterday Dean was here (you know what, I don't give a fuck anymore about him) and I told him about Tom, and he was like "Oh, you should take down my pictures" (I have three pictures of him on my wall). What??? Guys are just weird...
And I also met Alessandro yesterday, and he gave me the most fake smile in the whole world. Twat. Gh. WHATEVER.
I really don't give a fuck about those two anymore... The problem with me is that I stop thinking about one guy only when another one comes around. God, I can be stupid...

Pictures page updated with webcam pictures taken in Croatia.
This guy is incredible. He even sent me a text to tell me to sleep well... Mmh... And he calls me "sexy"... I love little names like that, darling, honey, babes... So sweet.
God, I'm really falling for him or what? Worrying...

He called me. He has a sexy voice. And sweet too (it might sound like a contradiction but it's not). He's going to call me again tomorrow and we'll meet up on wednesday...
Ok, I've been posting too much today. I am even happier now. :)

He's going to call me at 8. Lalala. I've been dancing around the flat for like half an hour. Lalala. Me happy. I just hope the bon bons didn't make me see him differently and he is actually ugly (but I really don't think so, I do remember his face quite well). Should hope for something or not? I don't know, I'll just take one step at a time and see how it goes tonight... Lalala.
Haven't done any work. But who cares?

So. Yeah. I am stupid. Received a text at 8 this morning. "No I haven't changed my mind I was sleeping all day... Call you later".
God. Once again, I have to say it: I am such a girl.
But now I am happy. I am the queen of mood changes!!!

I feel stupid. Maybe he was talking bollocks to me the whole time, and as usual I told him lots of things I don't tell people normally, why I feel unsecure and stuff like that. Maybe he's going to call tomorrow and I'll feel even more stupid for having texted him today asking "You haven't changed your mind have you?". I don't know. Sometimes I hate being like this, I hate being a girl.
Should I still hope? Probably not, I should just stop thinking about it, but how can I? How can you not think about a guy you have just met who likes you back (or at least seems to) and actually asks you if you can meet again for a drink? A guy with whom you had the longest kiss ever and just didn't want it to stop (and guy really thought the same)? How can you... I feel so melodramatic. Maybe I shouldn't have smoked with James & Freddie (even though it was so good to be back with them).
I want him. I just want him. Please, give me a chance. For once, give me a chance.

I knew I would end up like this. He hasn't called and I feel like crap. Should I call him myself? I am scared of being hurt. I don't want to be hurt again. It has been like this since the beginning of the year, getting crap from guys, more and more, putting myself in the worst situations, just because I am so stupid to fall for them, everytime I fall for the wrong guy, every fucking time. Is something wrong with me or is it just the world?
Fuck. Please. Call me. I need you, I need a positive relationship, I need to feel happy about myself, I need to feel loved.
And I know I'm being a drama queen, but I can't stand this anymore. It's been like this since the beginning of the year, breaking up with my ex-boyfriend and then... Well, I decided not to say names anymore, but I had another four-five guys fucking around, and I feel so stupid for actually believing them. So stupid...

Oh God, I've got so many things to write about!!! Let’s start with Croatia.
So, on Sunday I got on my nice night train (how do you call it, wagon lit?) and I was alone in a three bad compartment, and I found out sleeping on a bed on a train is wonderful, it’s the perfect thing for my travelling soul (can you say that? Well, I hope you know what I mean).
Got in Trieste on Monday morning, bus to Rijeka and I was finally there!!! I also saw Opatija from the bus and it looked wonderful. Met wonderful Jana and her parents (her dad is soooo funny and her mum so sweet) and her happy dog and evil cat. Then I met Eliza (she’s so nice!!! I am so happy I only met amazing people in the past days, and the most amazing of all is Jana of course) and we went, the three of us, in this little valley really near to the city, where the old mill was… AMAZING!!! You have this huuuuuge mill (five floors high) completely in ruin, next this cute little creek in the middle of the forest. We had a picnic on a rock just under the water falls (after that I was almost deaf for five minutes) and just went around the woods for hours and it was beautiful!!! We got home at like… 9? And then I was sooo tired (we did so many things I was actually so tired every night I would fall asleep in like three seconds).
On Tuesday we just went around Rijeka all day long. It’s such a cute town, with wonderful buildings, and it’s all a big mixture of Italian, Austro-Hungarian and German and I don’t know what else architecture. I am really sorry that I don’t know where my grandmother lived… Did I ever tell here that my Grandmother on my mum side was from Rijeka? So, it was nice because in some way it’s my “city of origin” or something, and when I saw old buildings I always thought “My grandmother must have been here… Who knows what she was doing?”. In the evening we met up with Dani (she’s so cute with her little nose, ah Jana? Actually, how do you say in Croatian? Janiza? How do you spell it?) and Eliza and went on the dock to drink. The dock is amazing, it’s really long and you have such a wonderful view from there, especially at night, with Rijeka on one side, and Opatija, and the islands… Wonderful. So, we got drunk on absinthe and some local wine mixed with Fanta (you’d think it would be disgusting but it was actually almost nice *lol*).
On Wednesday we went… Oh yes, to the fortress on the top of a hill, there is this wonderful little castle with some kind of little temple (like a Greek one in miniature) inside, so cute. There we met Luka, the music genius! A really nice guy, who found some “Speranza” around (namely, weed). Then we went to this wonderful café with DELICIOUS cakes (Jana had the chocolate one and I had the red fruits one, and they were so CHEAP, 10 kn which is like… 1,50 €!!!) and met Nataru (her name is actually Natalia but she’s a manga & anime fan so Jana calls her Nataru, which sounds so Japanese) who is SO cute and sounds so clever. We talked about music and languages and she’s really sweet. Then off to the docks again (just me and Jana) to smoke our weed… Mmh, I got so stoned. At one point I had to write a thing down because it was so funny; Jana said “you should give acid to babies to make them burp” and I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. Now I am not sure anymore, but I think that after that we just went home and fell asleep instantly.
On Thursday we got on a bus to Poreè, this wonderful little city on the sea in Istria. There we met Ivana who has the sweetest voice on this planet and is just so cute. We talked a lot (well, we basically talked a lot everyday, discussing things ranging from printer’s catridges to tampons to friendship to love to drugs to school, etc.) and got more stoned on the sea, which is, I have to say, the nicest thing to do… And we just walked around town and saw loads of cute things, and got these huge ice-creams from some crazy gipsy ice-cream guys (it’s just too funny to explain). We got back to Rijeka in the evening and went home and SLEPT because again we were dead.
On Friday we went into town quite late in the afternoon and then met with Eliza again and got drunk just under the lighthouse, beautiful.
Other random things I did: ate lots of Burek and Strudel (soooo good), drank lots of Macchiato, saw lots of nice cafés, read all the numbers of Colours Jana had (Colours is a wonderful magazine), got lots of Jrock from Jana so that I can become a rabid fangirl, bought loads of nice, cheap Croatian cigarettes (12 € a carton! Can you believe it!).
And then on Saturday morning Jana’s dad drove us to Trieste, where we bought some manga and then I came home. Yesterday I got on one car, three buses, one train and one plane, but I spent only 50 € in total, isn’t it amazing? Gotta love Ryanair and cheap flights to London!!!
So, I spent 5 days in Croatia meeting wonderful people and spending time with one of “my favourite people ever” (I’ll steal the sentence, Jana). I am so happy that we met because Jana really is an incredible person, she’s clever, cute, she reads way more than me (it’s the first time I meet someone who reads more than me, *lol*), she knows loads of things, she speaks perfectly three languages and is on her way to learn at least another three or four, she’s funny, and she likes to have fun too. I love you to bits darling. :*
And so, last night I got in London at around 9 o’clock and felt really tired. But then Sophie wanted to go to this rave in Stratford with this guy she met on Friday night (he is so cute!!! He seems really sweet and I have to say that when he took his t-shirt off I was seriously drooling *lol*). So I went out and well, three of his friends were there and… I really liked one of them, Tom, so it just happened. I know I am stupid because I am really hoping that this things works out, and I am here waiting for him to call me… But he really seemed to like me a lot and I think it could be something nice… I don’t know. It’s just confusing, to meet a random guy one night and just start falling for him but, at the same time, I really need it. All my other options have basically come to a dead end, and this could work, so why not? And I was so upset this morning when he decided not to come back; I mean, it’s normal because he had one of the windows in his car smashed and I live in King’s Cross (someone could have really well got into the car and stole it), but I was so very upset!!! I am such a girl. But he texted me this morning and he was really upset too so… I don’t know. I just hope for something nice to happen.
And it’s such a nice feeling, when you like someone, in the beginning, and you can’t really think about anything else. I know I am exaggerating, really, I am such a girl, but I can’t help it, because I need someone to be with, right now, I really want to be with someone.
God, this is really like an essay. *lol* It’s nice to write long posts though. I love to have this blog because it has two roles: on one side I can write things here to remind of good days, of nice things happening, and on the other side I can write all the things in my head, write down all my emotions, every single thought, even the stupid ones.
One last thing: I am so happy to be back in London. It seems already like I’ve been here for ages and it not even a day!!! And to see Sophie and Kirsty and Kunal and Carol… And James is going to be back today and I am really happy to see him again. I really love him as a friend, and I did miss him (and well, all the others too, but especially James and Sophie) so much!
I am a happy girl with so many thoughts in her head.

So, last night I got back to London at 9 and I was like "Aaaah I'm too tired to go out". Results: here I am, back at 6:41 in the morning, still buzzing and... I think I found some kind of boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His name is Tom, he is a friend of Sophie's new "boyfriend", he's blond and has the most wonderful smile in the whole world.
Problem is, someone broke into his car (through a window) and he had to go home... But he promised me he would call me tomorrow, well, today, sunday. I really hope he does. I like him a lot.
As it took something around 10 minutes to write these two small sentences, I am going to sleep. No actually I can't sleep. Whatever.

I'm finally back, back in London, I'M HOME. London is my home. I decided it's definitely my home.
I've seen Dean again. He is so cute. James is going to be back tomorrow (I guess), Freddie should be back later on tonight, Sophie & Kirsty are out to some pub (I'm too tired to go with them though). Now I just need to see Alessandro and I'll be happy. *lol*
Comments about Croatia and Jana and everything tomorrow. Just know it was amazing. :)

Croatia. Sunglasses. Cheap cigarettes. Burek (yummy). Lots of green stuff (trees and forests namely). Dock and absinthe later?
Fun fun fun. ^___^

Oh God. I am already leaving tonight. And I am tired even before starting.
Easter is nice even when it rains. Hoping the weather in Croatia will be better.

This french band is so nice... And the singer is so cute!!! Like, I want a guy like that for a boyfriend... *lol* Anyway, I have to find out more about them. I highly recommend them, especially for the french-speaking people out there... (if there's any reading this)
Speaking about perfect guys, I decided that (I am talking about the physical side obviously) my perfect guy would be a mix between: Justin Timberlake / Ronan Keating / Eminem / Ewan McGregor. Or he could be exactly like Heath Ledger (*drools*). I am obsessing about guys, yes. I've been boyfriendless for some... 5 months now. No no no. Bad bad bad.
(sidenote on boyfriends and such: I just noticed that Alessandro slightly resembles Stefano Accorsi. Mmmmmmmmh...) Friday five time!!!
1. Who is your favorite celebrity? My... I really don't know. I do like Shakira a lot. And Jennifer Aniston. And Johnny Depp... Gaaaah, I dunno... :) No no, wait, I know!!! Justin Timberlake! *drools*
2. Who is your least favorite? Britney Spears. :/ I don't like her because she's a whore but she acts like she's not. Christina Aguilera at least does know she is a whore and she acts consequently... *lol*
3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life? Lemme think... I've seen a really cute french actor in a restaurant in Paris. And I'm sure I've seen someone else but I can't remember...
4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not? Yes, but not like a singer or an actor - more like someone who helps people, like Mother Teresa. XD That kind of famous!!!
5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why? Mmh... Jennifer Aniston would be nice, I would be married to Brad Pitt!!! Or Vanessa Paradis = married to Johnny Depp!!! *lol* And then I would go shopping all day long, come back home and have lots of sex with my husband!!! *grin* BWAHAHAHAH. (yeah, more obsessing about guys, but it's not my fault, it's the Friday five's
) CS25, mi sembra inutile visto che parto gia' domenica sera... Se vuoi puoi venire a salutarmi alla stazione a Terontola! XD
What else? I've been rescuing strawberries (the plants) from being thrown away by my mum, and I also rescued all my old videos from when I was a kid... I've already got my ticket for sunday night - leaving from Terontola at midnight and getting to Trieste REALLY early in the morning. Like 6 o'clock. I hope the buses to Rijeka will already be leaving at that time... Problems problems.
I've been reading so much these days. Everything here makes me want to read: when I am outside or inside, when it's warm and when it's cold, when it's windy and when the air is calm, when I sit on the green green grass or when I am on the pink pink couch... And there are so many books in english, a whole collection with everything, from the big classics (Virginia Woolf & Dickens & Wilde & Austen & Bronte & everything that has any importance in the english literature) to the more modern stuff to indian literature to chinese literature, and then there's the french stuff and the italian stuff... I could stay here for three months and just read read read. I'd love to. And I'll do it one day!!! :)
Anyway. I am feeling much better today, the sickness is hopefully gone and I am soooo hungry. Food is so good here compared to London... And I eat pasta every three days instead of everyday, *lol*. I mean, I love pasta, but a bit of change is way better...

I’ve been sick since 6 o’clock this morning and now I am sick of being sick. I’ve had everything, going to the bathroom a zillion times, throwing up, bones aching, dizziness, feeling cold… Someone please make the sickness go away. In brighter news, I’ve found out my exams timetable…
Comparative economic growth – 19th May
Development: conditions & experience - 23rd May
Vietnamese I – 10th June
Cultural foundations of South East Asia – 11th June
My friends will all be finished before me (probably) but at least I’ll have plenty of time to study for everything, which is nice. Basically, I have around 10 days to study each subject, which should be more than enough.
So, no need to hurry and study now = I am not feeling guilty anymore!!! XD

So, here are the posts from the past days. Nothing special, really, just some really normal posts. Rambling rambling rambling…
Nota per il caro CS25: si si, proprio ad un tiro di sasso. Ma essendo io sdotata di un qualsiasi mezzo di trasporto… Mi e’ difficile muovermi… Sigh.
Sunday 13th April, 00:13
This is so funny – I was just watching a random Italian program on TV and one of the guests was one of my junior high’s classmate’s brother… I knew him and he was such a funny guy, and it made a bit sad as I realized that I have no way of contacting that classmate (and I hated him anyway, *lol*) and I probably won’t see his brother ever again…
In other news. I am in Turin… I am not staying at my aunt’s because my parents are already sleeping there and I am not allowed to sleep on the couch (!!!), so I am staying at her friend’s house… Between yesterday and today I’ve been doing loaaaaads of things, mostly seeing exhibitions and shopping (yay! One new pair of shoes and one t-shirt, plus a really nice Indian jacket my aunt gave me). In general I would be really happy if it wasn’t for my parents.
I cannot stand to live with them anymore. Don’t get me wrong, they’re really nice people, but I just can’t live with them. I know I am being really mean by saying this, but they can be both hysterical and just… Annoying. My dad keeps telling stupid jokes nobody laughs about, my mum is just too hysterical and there is not one fucking thing in this world that is ok for her, she always has something to complain about. And then they argue all the time, and my dad says nobody respects him (because we tell him when he makes fucking mistakes when he speaks in Italian!! Or just because we disagree with him) and then my mum says just the wrong thing and everything is just crap for hours. And this is mean again, but I cannot stand when my dad touches me, he keeps caressing my shoulders and stuff like that, which I liked when I was a kid but now… Nope, I don’t like it. It’s mean because with my mum it’s different; I like to hold her hand or just be near her. I don’t know why it’s like that, there must be some deeper psychological reason but I really don’t care about finding out and I just don’t want him to keep touching me when I ask him not to!!! I think I am just getting nearer and nearer to my mum and feel less and less like, linked to my dad. I don’t know.
I just hope this week won’t be too horrible.
The good thing is, I have got plenty of new books and they all sound really exciting and I am really happy about that. It’s crazy how much I love bookshops. I swear I would buy at least two thirds of the books in any Italian or English bookshop. It would be so nice, to just go into these huuuuge bookshops and buy like… 50 books. Can you imagine? I know Jana would agree with me on this…
Sunday 13th April, 22:56
Today too, we’ve been all over the place!!! One exhibition (a guy who makes videos, mostly revolving around water), installed in a really nice building (an old factory, I think – it reminded me a lot of Barcelona) and a very small museum (the Agnelli’s one), which is in a small building made by Renzo Piano which is on the top of an old Fiat factory… Both quite nice (even if I am a bit shocked by the Agnelli’s thingy – they have a huge collection of paintings and such but the museum only had TWENTY paintings, mostly Canaletto and Matisse, with a couple of Picasso’s, two sculptures by Canova and a couple of other paintings… It’s ridiculous that they don’t have an exhibition they change every couple of months or something like that).
I even got a pair of new trousers (some really nice kakis, actually can you call them kakis if they are green?, well that kind of trousers with lots of pockets) and a really nice, big postcard (Matisse) to put on my wall in London. And I saw this gorgeous coat in my aunt’s collection (she produces clothes in India), that I am going to get in the winter. It’s Chinese style, not very long (just above the knee), and I am going to get the coffee one, with nice borders done with some really coloured silk; ok, I can’t explain it at all but it’s so nice… *lol*
What else? We’re going to our country house tomorrow… I will have to spend 5 hours in the back of a car with six suitcases and lots of plants. Sniff.
Today, Tuesday 15th April, 17:56
Here I am, in the countryside, being really bored and standing even less my parents when they have their strange ideas and they are so convinced that what THEY like and THEY think is good is what everybody should like and think is the best. But well.
I am reading a lot and can’t wait to go to Croatia and then to go back to London. I miss everybody so much, Sophie, James, Kirsty, Freddie, Tom, Kunal…! Seriously.
I am reading a book on Bhopal and it’s really interesting. I also just finished a book by a young Russian writer that I absolutely loved. It’s the same thing as Mian Mian but in a Russian version, and a bit more understandable. What else? I should study and I am not. I should be on a diet and I am not. But life is never perfect, and it’s ok like this.

So, I am in Turin. Right now I am waiting for my parents to pick me up - we're finally going to the country house (even though I am not that happy because it's going to be freezing cold and rainy and unconfortable and just boring, but it could be a good moment to start studying)...
I have a couple of posts from the past days ready in my computer, but I am posting from someone else's so I'll have to wait until tonight or tomorrow to post them...
Mmh. I have lots of new books to read. I'm excited.

It was raining. A fine rain, a gentle shower, was peppering the pavements and making them greasy. Was it worth while opening an umbrella, was it necessary to hail a hansom, people coming out of the theatres asked themselves, looking up at the mild, milky sky in which the stars were blunted. Where it fell on earth, on fields and gardens, it drew up the smell of earth. Here a drop poised on a grass-blade; there filled the cup of a wild flower, till the breeze stirred and the rain was spilt. Was it worth while to shelter under the hawthorn, under the hedge, the sheep seemed to question; and the cows, already turned out in the gray fields, under the dim hedges, munched on, sleepily chewing with raindrops on their hides. Down on the roofs it fell - here in Westminster, there in the Ladbroke Grove; on the wide sea a million points pricked the blue monster like an innumerable shower bath. Over the vast domes, the soaring spires of slumbering University cities, over the leaded libraries, and the museums, now shrouded in brown holland, the gentle rain slid down, till, reaching the mouths of those fantastic laughers, the many-clawed gargoyles, it splayed out in a thousand odd indentations. A drunken man, slipping in a narrow passage outside the public house, cursed it. Women in childbirth heard the doctor say to the midwife, ‘It’s raining’. And the walloping Oxford bells, turning over and over like slow porpoises in a sea of oil, contemplatively intoned their musical incantation. The fine rain, the gentle rain, poured equally over the mitred and the bareheaded with an impartiality which suggested that the god of rain, if there were a god, was thinking Let it not be restricted to the very wise, the very great but let all breathing kind, the munchers and chewers, the ignorant, the unhappy, those who toil in the furnace making innumerable copies of the same pot, those who bore red hot minds through contorted letters, and also Mrs Jones in the alley, share my bounty.
This paragraph is taken by The Years by Virginia Woolf - why have I started reading Virginia Woolf only now? She truly is amazing...

So, I’ve finally seen 8 mile. What should I say… It’s an average movie in general but a good one for that kind of movies. Eminem is damn hot, God I want him!!! *lol* Brittany Murphy is such a bitch, having the chance to be with a guy who is that hot and blow it! Get your shit together g… *ehm* I am trying to speak like the people in the movie now. XD What else? Everytime I realize that there are still places where people have to live like that I am just shocked. And guess where? In the great land of freedom, the US. But well.
I went to my ex-high school again today, and again I can’t believe I was there last year, and I see all those people who are still there and I cannot understand their frustration anymore, because I am out of there. Yeah, I am out of there and I am so much happier. I finally realized that high school is nothing – it’s not real life, it’s nothing compared to what the rest of your life will be, and what you are in high school is never going to be what you are in the rest of your life. So, you know what? Fuck high school, I am so happy to be at uni now. :)
I’ve downloaded another three albums. Yay! And I started reading The Years by Virginia Woolf, and I’m loving it. Books are such a special thing to me – I couldn’t live without them. Even when I am tired and just want to sleep I have to read at least five minutes. My day is not finished until the moment I put my book down and turn the light off!

Judging from what my booklog says, I read an average of 3.8 books per month (68 books in 18 months). Wow. I am proud of myself (and I finished 3 books in the last week, and they were all good, how lucky am I?).
Oh, and please congratulate Tom. He's too clever to be my friend. :O
Until now I've download the following cds: Moon Safari by Air + Parachutes by Coldplay + The young and hopeless by Good Charlotte + Morning View by Incubus + Long Distance by Ivy + All is dream by Mercury Rev + (What's the story) Morning glory by Oasis + Sleep with ghosts by Placebo + Ok Computer by Radiohead + Long gone before daylight by The Cardigans + various other songs. I am currently downloading Justified by Justin Timberlake and planning on downloading another 4 or 5 cds. I am spending such a productive time here in Paris! *lol*

Well, I almost panicked this morning when I read in the stats for the blog that people have been finding this site by searching Mayfair club and names of people I know with various search engines. Right now I regret writing lots of personal stuff in this blog; I really shouldn’t have, particularly about a couple of people (the people who know me well can guess who I am talking about)… It was really stupid. I hate the fact that now that I started enjoying this blog I have to stop writing about some things; because, well, this is still the internet, and anybody can find out about my blog, and it’s alright when it’s my friends, but if I had one of those two people I have been writing about a lot finding out what I think and feel (or thought and felt) about them, it would be the more embarassing thing of my life, because in the end, they are my friends and I’ve been hiding things from them, and it’s not right… It’s normal, because lots of people do it, but it’s not right. That is why my archives won’t be accessible anymore, or at least a part of my archives… I feel really bad doing this, because those pages tell about my whole life in the past six months, and I want people to know about it, but I really can’t help it. I am so scared of losing these people. So scared.
Let’s talk about something a bit funnier now! I saw The Hours last night. My comments... Most of my critiques are for the story itself more than for the movie, so I am really criticizing the book. It is sometimes confusing – the whole use of parallel stories becomes a bit too much, it’s too worked on. I don’t like the fact that two of the stories are, in the end, linked. There was no need for a link between them, and the bit in the end (when the two women meet) doesn’t really add anything to the story; or better, the things explained in that final bit didn’t need the two women to meet to be explained. Now, the things that I liked. The love story between Meryl Streep and Ed Harris is beautiful, and they both are extraordinarily good actors, just amazing. I love when Julianne Moore kisses Kitty, and when they talk (that scene is incredibly sweet). I A-D-O-R-E Julianne Moore. She’s beautiful and really really really talented. Her story is probably the one I liked the most between the three. I didn’t like Virginia Woolf’s one that much though. It’s really nothing special, a bit simplistic and naïve (come on,Virginia Woolf was something more than that!!!) and (now someone is going to kill me) I sincerely think that Nicole Kidman is nowhere near Julianne Moore or Meryl Streep when it comes to talent. They only gave her the Oscar because she had the guts to put a huge nose on her lovely face (in my humble opinion). XD Renée Zellweger deserved that Oscar much better. And speaking of Oscars, the one for Best supporting actress should have gone to Julianne Moore, not to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Now I really want to see The Pianist, 8 mile (yeah, I know, I am bit late for both of them) and Devdas (Bollywood, yay!).
What else… I haven’t been studying at all these days. But I really need to relax and chiiiiill out… :) By the way, I’ve been to the hairdresser again! No more dark roots for me, and now I have a huuuuge fringe. Very 60s or at least very cool. I love it. I want a webcam so that I can take plenty of pictures of myself. *sniff*

No archives anymore. Because I am too scared of CERTAIN people finding out about the blog and reading things they shouldn't EVER read.
Fuck.

So, yesterday I went with my parents to see Bowling for Columbine, which was really interesting (and really sad; at one point I was crying because this world is just awful sometimes). We also went to the theatre on Saturday night and saw a really nice (but a bit too slow, it was 2 hours 40 minutes long) Russian play. It's nice that everytime I come back to Paris I do this sort of stuff with my parents, go to the cinema or the theatre, it makes me feel really good and cultured. :)
Today was more frivolous as my mum and I went shopping! Result: 4 new tops and I love all of them! ^_^ I also got some make-up on Saturday, a lip-gloss and the new bourjois thingy (you know the one they're advertising for a lot), and also my usual John Frieda shampoo (the one for blonde hair).
My brother was here for two days and we haven't argued at all, which is pretty good. My parents are just terrible though, it must be some sort of middle-age crisis, they can't stop picking on each other and having arguments all the time, about the most stupid stuff. It's a bit depressing but well, it seems that it's better when I am here so I am already happy that I help them in some way, even if not voluntarily.
Why did I start smoking in the first place??? (no anti-smoking campaigns for me please, this is just a rethoric question and needs no answer nor explanation – I decided to start smoking and I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s bad for me, this is MY choice so leave me alone) It’s a torture to be here and cannot be able to smoke. I dream about lighting a cigarette in front of my parents. *lol* And my brother was smoking a cigar the other day, so I went to the living room where he was to try to get at least a bit of second-hand nicotine. *lol*lol*lol*
I finally told my parents that I lost one of my glasses’ lenses, and I am really happy because in the end they’re replacing it without making us pay for it (well, I mean, it’s not normal to have your lenses falling off your brand new glasses all the time is it?).
Soooo, I am quite happy and everything. I am download a zillion different albums (I already downloaded 8 and planning on downloading at least another 5), trying to taking advantage of a working copy of Kazaa (as I probably have already said about a million times in London I have a firewall on my connection and I can’t use any kind of peer-to-peer program)…
And this is everything, and tonight I am going to see The Hours and probably eat sushi & sashimi & maki! Yay!

Friday Five, a bit late but I noticed only now how nice are this week's questions. Lalalalaaaa... 1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life? I lived in three flats and two houses. First I lived in a house in Munich (but that was until I was 2 or 3 weeks old so I can't really remember it!!!), then a flat in Rome, then a flat in Paris and now a kind-of-flat in London. And I spent all my summers/Christmas holidays in our house in Tuscany. That's quite a lot isn't it... I am impressed. XD
2. Which was your favorite and why? Well, I really don't know. I love all of them for different reasons (apart from the one in Munich which I don't remember). Our flat in Rome was absolutely gorgeous and I grew up there, so I love it because it was my first home. Here in Paris I spent my teenagerhood, I had my first love, etc. and then this one too is such a nice flat, and I simply love my room. I love my flat in London because there I met my best friends in the world, had the most laughs than anywhere else in the world, and was the happiest little girl ever. Finally I love our house in Tuscany because is our family house, and it has always been a part of my life, and it's always going to be part of my life.
3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why? It can be a bit stressful, but for me it's really just exciting. A new house, new decoration, new place, new people. A new house means changes in your life, and I love when my life change, because I know it's going to get just better and never worse!!!
4. What's more important, location or price? A nice house should be in a nice area - I don't care if I have to pay a bit more as long as it is somewhere nice and friendly. ^__^
5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)? Well, I already have a swimming pool in Tuscany. Eheheh. Anyway. A nice house must have a double bedroom for me, a nice, working kitchen, a bath (NOT a shower!!!!), possibly a balcony where I can put some plants and a big living room. These are basically the characteristics for my flat for next year. :)

Good Charlotte - Say anything, Christina Aguilera - Beautiful and Oasis - Wonderwall
Thank you Juki for the lovely comment. You know, I never really had very strong roots - I mean that I've never been linked strongly to a city, mostly due to the fact that first I already moved three times in my life (which is not a lot but enough to stop feeling strongly attached to one particular city) and second that my family in general is not exactly like that (if you just think about my parents, my mum is Italian, my dad German, they met in Munich and lived in Rome, Paris and Tuscany together and in Vienna, Geneva, Brussels, Hamburg, Ivrea, Padova each of them in their own). I am not really sad or depressed about feeling that Paris is not my home anymore; it's just that I am a bit melancholic. In some way I envy the people who can say "I am from x", x being a random city. I am Italian, but I am not from a city in particular. I don't feel like I am from Paris or Rome (the cities where I lived my whole life), or like I am from Munich (the city where I was born), or like I am from Hamburg or Ivrea (the cities where my parents were born)... It is quite weird, but I cannot really answer to the question “Where are you from?” I have no answer for it. I can tell you what my nationalities are (Italian and German) or what I feel I am (Italian), but nothing more. I can tell you that right now I feel that my home is in London, but I've only been living there for six months.
Well, I guess I am a traveller at heart. I now feel more than ever that this is my destiny, to travel and feel at home wherever I go, because I don’t have a place I can call home. ^__^
Katy-chan, devo cambiare casa l’anno prossimo perché ora come ora vivo negli alloggi dell’università e ci si può vivere solo per 2 anni in totale, quindi me li lascio come opzione per il terzo anno. E poi ho proprio voglia di avere un appartamento veramente mio con le mie amiche, con felicità e responsabilità che porta. ^__^
Today I’ve been to my old high school. A bit of information about it: I went to the Italian school in Paris for 7 years and it sucked most of the time; it’s a really small school (150 students in total, divided between high school and junior high) and most people in there are spoiled fascist twats (and I am being nice). Nonetheless, there are still a couple of people in there whom I know and am friends with when I come back here. So I saw them today and I have to say, it sounds like it still sucks. Teachers are all bastards (only 3 of my teachers from last year are there though) and in general they learn nothing but have to work a lot and lots of completely useless stuff. If I think about it I am still so angry… I know I will sound like the worse dork and nerd now, but I am still pissed off that I got 99 instead of 100 at the maturità (final exams). It’s such a shitty thing to do, to tell me all year long that I would get 100 and then give me 99. It’s all because of my Italian teacher and my chemistry teacher. God I hate them. *lol*
Anyway, I am so happy that I don’t care about that anymore, that I don’t need to care about that anymore because I am so much better now, and high school really doesn’t count anymore when you’re at uni. Nobody gives a fuck… ^_-
I am going to watch a movie with my parents now (that is if they have stopped arguing). Lalala.

Here I am, in Paris. In the end I left London only this morning (it's a long story, but it's mostly due to me being very thick), and ended up in a carriage full of 8 years-old. How nice.
I am so tired that I just got high on a cigarette... *lol*
Anyway, I was looking at those kids in the train (I am a real observer - I love to look at people and try to understand what they think - they probably think I am mad, but well) and I started to think... When did I go from the status of a careless, happy child like to what I am now? I have opinions, my own life without my family around, I am complicated, often depressed (without any apparent reason), I need love, I need my friends and... I am a real person. I don't know if I can say that I am an adult, but I am not a child anymore. I am a person, an entity, different from everyone else and who can think with her own head... It's a bit scary. Actually, very scary.
What else? Oh yeah, I started sobbing earlier on because my mum moved my clothes to the back of the wardrobe. I don't feel like this is really my home anymore, and at the same time I cannot consider my room in London like my home because I am going to leave in a couple of months. Maybe the flat I am going to get next year with Sophie and Kirsty will be my home?
I cannot believe that just a year ago I spent all my days in this room. It's... Different now. It's not "mine", because I am here only for a couple of days every month.
I am losing every root I have, and I don't know whether it's a good thing or not.

Katy, don't worry, ho internet sia a Parigi che in Italia... Sara' un po' piu' difficile postare ma continuero'! XD
I am really bored. I don't have to leave until 7 and it's only 5.30. What am I going to do... Lalala... Everything or almost everything is packed, and the only thing I really need to do is smoke as many cigarettes as I can as I won't be allowed to with my parents (they don't know about me smoking, and if they find out they'll KILL ME)... *lol*
I could write lots of things but I don't have the energy. Since I finished all my work for uni on friday I've been sooooooo tired... I just want to go to sleep! Well, I will, on the train. ^__^

My thoughts on the war... I don't even watch the news anymore. I don't want to know about people dying, cities being destroyed, people from the military planning, Saddam Hussein saying he is going to kill us all, people from the White House saying that more than 40 countries "support" the war... For the last time: this is NOT IN MY NAME.
What else? I am packing for my month of holidays and in the end the small suitcase was too small and I had to take the bigger one, but well... Not much choice there.
I seriously have to go on a diet - I almost don't fit into my nice jeans again.... Gh.
Tonight I am going home. Home? Let's say Paris. I am coming home, that's London, on the 26th. I am going to miss everybody so much!

Yeah, right, I smoke, and you have no right to tell me "Oh it's bad, try to quit". Why don't you think about YOUR problems? *lol* Leave me alone, I want to smoke and it's MY CHOICE. If I was really rude I would say "Fuck off" but I won't say it. XD
Cornwall was so nice, Sophie's village is basically like a postcard. We even went on a ghost hunt. *lol* More about it tomorrow.
I came home to find nice cookies baked by James. But guess what? They're weed cookies. XD