May 2003 Archives

Yaaaay, going out tonight. Yaaaay, probably not coming back until tomorrow morning. Yaaaay. *^_^*
We're going to this club where Paul's sister is d-jaying (is it spelled like that? Nooo idea...), so it should be quite good... And then Tom is going to be there, and even though I keep telling myself Sophie's warnings (like "Respect yourself more...", which is actually very good advice), I cannot help but think that I want something to happen... We'll see we'll see. Mmh... If I could spend every week-end of my life like this I swear I would be the happiest person on the planet. *lol*
Thanks to Lorraine for linking me. I am going to return the favour very soon (love the green layout & the content). By the way, ever tried to play with Icewind Dale, or Baldur's Gate? You seem an expert in the videogames matter, but if you haven't tried them I highly recommend that kind of games... ^_^

I don't have a crush on anyone right now, no, but... Yesterday I realized there are like four guys around me I really like... Two of them you already know, two of them are "new entries", and I don't have any hope for any of them... But when I see any of them my stomach gets a bit confused. Nothing big, nothing special, it's just that kind of thing that stays with you, and you know you like them, and you can dream about one of them at night and be happy, but still know nothing is ever going to happen.
Oh, and it seems like I have a preference for guys who are half-Chinese or half-Oriental in general. Mmh.
I am such a weirdo.
And what is with Dean calling me every friggin' day at 12 to see if I'm awake?

Fucking hell. Finally trying to sleep and Freddie comes back from a club, being drunk and loud as usual. *lol* Now I got up and there's no way I am going to sleep for a long time. Well... I might play with Icewind Dale II for a bit. Mmh...

So, Dean is back and he's alright. Watched Meet the Parents, which I have to say was REALLY funny.
Great news (more or less): Tom (yeah, the guy who stood me up) is coming out with us Saturday night... Soooo... I know I shouldn't really do anything with him, but who knows what could happen? *lol* Sometimes I think I am a bit too horny for normal standards. Oh well. Why the fuck am I talking about this on my blog? Actually, I decided I shouldn't be embarassed to talk about sex or drugs here, so fuck it. :) I am a grown-up girl and those things are part of my life, so why not write about them?
What else? Mmh... I am quite happy, even though I had a totally depressive, unproductive day. Lalala. ^_^

Che tu sia maledetto, Milan! La Juve doveva vincere, LA JUVE!!!
Karma, I liked The Matrix Reloaded more, but that's because I am a rabid Matrix fangirl. I was quite impressed by X Men 2, I thought it would have been crap, but it was actually really good.
Ok, now I have a passion for pigtails. Love 'em and I got them today too... *lol*
I am bit worried for Dean, a schoolmate of his died and he had to leave last night to go to the funeral today... Poor darling. ;__;

I've been going around all day with pigtails! Woooooohooooooo! Love 'em.
I've seen X Men 2 today. Quite good, I was actually impressed. Dean is cooking dinner and ER is on in 30 minutes! What a perfect night at home. XD

I had quite a good night out with Kirsty, Jaye (is it spelled like that? Mmh...) and a couple of Kirsty's friends. Got quite drunk too. :)
Now I am a bit pissed off though... When I got here James & Freddie were having a conversation on Britain and the euro and globalisation etc, and it seemed quite interesting so I joined in. I didn't agree with what they were saying so I explained why, and James was treating me in a weird way again. I know what it is about - James is convinced that when I am drunk I get "abusive", what the fuck does that mean??? I was just expressing my opinion and he was just weird about it, like... God, the only translation I can find is "affable". Well, accondiscendente in Italian. Like, he was treating me in a "Oh you're talking bollocks because you're drunk and there's no point in even listening to you" kind of way. I hate that. I swear, when he told me I was "abusive" when I am drunk a couple of weeks ago I was so fucking pissed off (it was after that time I got drunk with Sophie & Kirsty and I was just having fun around the flat and him and Freddie were fucking rude with us and treating us like we were stupid, being all serious and "Oh that's horrible, you're drunk, stop bugging us", like they were any different when THEY are drunk). Like, yeah, you're nice when you're drunk right? There is no reason for being like that with me. Thankyouverymuch, but I don't suddendly turn stupid when I get drunk, I can still control myself and think with my own head and actually express my opinions. GOD I'M PISSED OFF. Grr.

What the fuck is Monica Bellucci doing in The Matrix Reloaded??? I was almost shocked when I saw her.
Anyway. That movie is fucking AMAZING. It might not be as good as the first one, but you have to remember that the first one opened up a whole new genre, and the second one is just a sequel. What did I love about it? Without saying too much, I loved: the party scene (I felt like I was going back to Saturday night, in the club), Keanu Reeves' ass, the twins, Mercutio in his reincarnation of operator (YES!) and the French guy (putain de merde de...). The fighting scenes were a bit long, but still good (I mean, I was watching the movie with my mouth wide open). I just can't wait for the 11th of November to come (yes, that's when the third one is coming out).
A question: does anybody know if the Matrix was supposed to have a sequel or not? I think it wasn't. But it's still good. ^_^

I just sent an email to Micheal Moore! I'm excited! *lol*
By the way this is interesting; but still, it's complete bollocks. All those things don't change the fact that Bowling for Columbine tells us a lot about what is wrong with the US.

Fuck! The first time in my life I can vote, I cannot be there! Sniff... Apparently my mum didn't even receive the postcard for me. Did they forget that I (finally) turned 18???
I WANT TO VOTE. I want to exerce my rights as an italian citizen. Sniff again.

God! I slept for 14 hours straight (and missed Six-feet under, fuck). Went to sleep last night at 8 and woke up this morning at 10. *lol* It's the first time in my life this happens to me. XD
Things about Saturday night keep coming back, but I'm not sure I want to write about them... Saturday night was just special. :)
I don't really have anything else to say... Nothing happened while I was asleep. :)

Friday Five! Yeah, ok, I am 2 days late, but it's better than nothing. :)
1. What brand of toothpaste do you use? I love Crest, but I can't be bothered to look for it (they only sell it in some Boots). So I just get the cheapest toothpaste... *lol*
2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer? The cheapest one, again, because I am a student therefore broke and toilet paper in England is fucking expensive. If you get the really nice one it's like 2 £ for 4 rolls! Ok, I know it's not a nice thing to talk about in my blog, but it's true! It really annoys me. XD
3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear? Trainers: Adidas & Puma, Nice shoes: whatever, usually italian brands (Miu Miu *___*). I am so obsessed with shoes it's not even normal. I think I have got something like 8 pairs of trainers, 3 pairs of boots, 6 pairs of dressy shoes, 5 pairs of sandals and some 10 pairs of flip flops. *ehm* Now I am embarassed. It took me 5 minutes to count all of them. My obsession for shoes is the reason why I am doing Development studies, I swear! I feel bad about being such a capitalist shopping freak.
4. What brand of soda do you drink? Diet Coke, or Vanilla Coke, mostly. I also like Fanta and Cherry Coke.
5. What brand of gum do you chew? Orbit, blue or green. ^_^ It's 6 in the afternoon and I am still in my pajamas. I don't feel like sleeping though... Mmh... I feel quite good. Last night was just... Amazing. Last night, I was so incredibly happy, and not just because of the drugs (I still feel weird talking about this sort of stuff on this blog), I was just so happy to be there...

Aaaaah... Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I love spending time with those two (Soph & Paul)!
I am still so tired though... I don't really have the energy to write this right now. I got back this morning at 8, and I spent a wonderful 30 minutes in the courtyard, with only silence surrounding me, smoking by myself... It was perfect, after that I was ready to go to sleep. I might go back to bed in a bit... Mmmmh...

I'm so happy, I'm finally going out for real tonight! Well, ok, I went out last night but that was Mayfair... Tonight I am going to a rave in Hackney, with Sophie & Paul & some of his friends... Lalala! I've missed going out properly so much! Can't wait. :)
Sometimes, I feel like I'm not real. I mean, is this... For real? Do I really exist, in this world, in this city, looking like this and everything... It's weird. My life feels like it's a dream. I know, I am a weirdo... *lol*
Right now I think I am happy. Really happy, even though I've been doing stupid things, even though I've made mistakes, I wouldn't change one thing... And I think that is the true meaning of happiness... :)

Last night was a whole big mistake. Sniff. Oh, by the way, my exam went pretty well... The questions were exactly the same questions we had in a mock exam the lecturer gave us a couple of months ago. *lol* I was finished with it in two hours and I started drinking. First mistake. Then we started smoking (with our tutor! With our tutor! That was so funny). Second mistake. Then I came home, all happy and drunk and stoned and... I decide I want to go to Mayfair with the others. James was doing a party at the club and loads of people were there: Kirsty, Ambar, Dean, Freddie, Tom M.... So I thought it could be fun. Third mistake.
Ambar was with his friend of his from school (again! I can't believe I did it again! I have to stop this thing with King's guys, they're all fucked up), Keej (yeah, he is indian, like Ambar by the way - did anyone get that? Probably not)... And so what do I do? I am tired so so so tired but I BRING HIM BACK HOME. Fucking stupid. I mean, I can't say it wasn't fun, but this guy was quite weird... Anyway. Well, at least I've had sex for the first time in... Three months? I really shouldn't be talking about this on the internet... Mmh... Oh well, now it's done. The point is, now I am so tired and I have a really bad headache. Annoying.

I just spent a good three hours revising and discussing various development topics with James & Kirsty: development theories, industrialisation, globalisation, aid, population growth and poverty, multilateral agencies, NGOs... It's all pretty much in my head now, but I'll revise a bit more tomorrow morning (the exam is not until 2.30).
At one point we came to a really interesting discussion... After concluding that the only way of eliminating inequality and poverty would be to redistribute wealth and resources, we asked ourselves... How would you do that? I mean, redistribute so that all the countries in the world can start from an equal point? Is it possible? And if it happens, which would be the consequences? It kept us entertained for a good hour. It's really interesting. Would you have to change nation boundaries if you wanted to redistribute? Would a huge global war be the only way in which redistribution could happen? How long would it take to get the economy going again after such a war? Would inequalities come back after 100 years?
It's all pretty fucked up. Just blows your mind. *lol*
My plan for tomorrow is... Revise in the morning, do the exam, get a couple of drinks with the people from development, come home, CLEAN MY ROOM. All of it. Take all the stuff down from the desk and the bookcase, organize my notes, throw away useless stuff, organize my clothes, shoes and bags, wash clothes & sheets & bath towels, hoover the whole room, etc. etc. I'm really up for that. It's going to take the whole evening, probably, but well, I really need to do that, even if I leave this place in less than a month. ^_^ It's going to be nicer to study in here after I do that.
So, now, time for a little reading (still have to finish Stupid White Men) and then a good night of sleep so that tomorrow I am going to be ready to revise a bit more. Goodnight.

I can't believe myself! *lol* I spent the day watching Friends (season 6) and Hot Shots... Actually I was way too ill to be able to concentrate... Now I feel definitely better though... I just took a nice, hot shower. I am starting to appreciate showers, even though I always think bathtubs are TEN THOUSAND times better... My only two requirements for our flat for next year: a double bed and a bathtub. Eheheh. ^_^
I might do some work now... At least finish one topic, and tomorrow it's going to be hardcore Development.
By the way, I spent the day with Dean. I can't help but feel... Weird when I'm around him. I don't know. He's so cute. Oh well.
What is with weird people calling me today? D'oh.

...senti come viene giù non eri tu che ormai ti eri rassegnata / e che dicevi che non ti saresti mai più innamorata / la terra a volte va innaffiata con il pianto ma poi vedrai la pioggia tornerà piove, senti come piove...
Last night I was in the worse mood possible. I feel a bit better now, but I am still ill and I still have my horrible headache from last night. Blah.
I have to start revising for Friday... I'll start in a bit - right now I just need to relax a bit.
But I was thinking... How fucking unlucky am I? I've got exams, I've got a cold & a terrible headache, my period is coming AND I am still boyfriendless. Bwaaaah. Now that I've moaned publicly I feel less miserable. *lol*

So my exam went... Well, I guess. I don't know. The questions were quite easy and I did answer them, but I am a bit scared that I didn't make the answers long enough. Baaaah. Dunno. Tomorrow morning I'll start studying for Development... Friday, already! Fuck.
Anyway. I have the worse headache in the world and I feel like crap. My nose is all red because I've been blowing it too much. Is it normal that I wasn't sick once in the all winter and I get a cold in MAY??? Life is weird.

My first exam is tomorrow morning at 10. I am not particularly stressed, but there's always that little panic going on in the back of my head saying "What if you don't know everything???". I am quite confident though, I know all my topics pretty well and... Well, I will do my best but I don't really care about my mark this year. Especially for this course. *lol* And I know I will pass, there's no doubt about that (and no reason why I shouldn't pass: I've studied more than enough).
The only thing that is stressing me is that as soon as I finish my exam I have to start revising for Development... I've got the exam on Friday, and that's thougher, because I really like the subject and want to do well.
Well, we'll see.
Last night James & I watched Fear and loathing in Las Vegas - best movie! I loved it, it's just so fucked up. Eheheh.
What else? Nothing really... I am going to play with Icewind Dale II for a while and then... Sleep! Waking up at 8 tomorrow morning. Again, wish me good luck... I'll probably post when I come back home, around 13.30... I can't believe the exam is only three hours! My written exams last year were 6 hours each! And that was high school! And I only have to answer three questions... Mmh, I love unis in this country. ^_^

So. Nothing going on as usual. Still studying, exam on Monday and I am quite stressed.
Dean has a new girlfriend (sort of). Mmh. I just don't want to think about that. My second plant is dying, ops... What am I doing wrong? I am watering it everyday... Sniff.
I don't know, my head right now is completely empty. I just don't feel like thinking at all. I want to rest a bit and then start studying again... I have to admit that I am quite enjoying all this studying, so many interesting things... The Human Development Index, the System of National Accounts, the emerging of the gap between developed and developing countries, ways of developing, economic policies... It's all really interesting. ^_^
So, wish me good luck for the studying. Go Vani go go!

Stupid white men is the best book ever. I've only started reading it, but I am loving it!
Today I got money & clothes from my mum through a friend of her. So now I have summer clothes I can't use because it's freezing cold here and money I can't spend because I can't go out (studying studying studying). Mmh. Nice.
My throat is so sore. I can't fucking eat or smoke because it hurts so much, it's annoying.
Nothing else going on in my life, really.

Last night was quite funny - I love Monopoly! XD I was winning but then James took over thanks to a hotel in Mayfair. Fuck. *lol*
Now I am so tired though, and it's got to the point when it's not even funny anymore. I spent like 5 hours in the library working, and I am getting stressed about the whole thing, studying and studying and studying. I know it's my fault, I should have worked more during the year, and I am a bit angry at myself for that, but I really don't regret anything I've done in the past year, and I think that even though now I have to study like mad, every night out was worth this. Eheheh. Anyway, I'm reading quite a lot of interesting shit, and every single thing I am doing for Comparative economic growth is related to Development, which is veeeery useful.
Tomorrow I am starting hardcore revising for Development, and I'll finish Economics between tomorrow and Saturday. Also, tomorrow I'm meeting a friend of my mum's and getting money and summer clothes (loads of flip flops!). Yay.
So. I am feeling a bit miserable now but I know that everything is going to be fine. Right now I am just too tired to think properly... :)

Someone bought me Witch child & Heart of Darkness from my amazon.co.uk wishlist... I am almost sure it's my ex-boyfriend. I have to say, it was a pleasant surprise after an afternoon spent in the library studying.
The plan for tonight: marijuana and monopoly. How cool is that?

I'm soooo tired... So so tired. Mmh.

God. I can't sleep. I've got so many things going on in my head, and I am so pissed off about some of them I just can't sleep. I just spent a nice hour with Kunal who was coming back from Heaven and it was really nice. He might move in with me and Soph if he doesn't find a nice cheap one-bedroom flat, which makes me really happy. As I already said, I would love to move in with him. We were actually talking about it and we agreed on the fact that the three of us (me, him and Soph) would get along well because we all need our own space, we all need to be alone from time to time and we can leave each other alone and be quiet... But then be loud when we are with our friends. I guess that in the end we'll figure out the whole flat thing and it's going to be alright; but right now I am just so stressed about it and... About other things, mainly concerning Kirsty. I think I need to talk to her about it, but I'm not sure yet. I'll see tomorrow when my mind will be clearer.
GGGGH! This is scary. Freddie just came back, as drunk as yesterday, and not only he is passing out on the floor again but he's passing out on the floor outside the flat, in front of the stairs. What the fuck is wrong with him? Should I worry about him? *lol* This makes me laugh.
Anyway. I'll watch some Friends and then I'll try to sleep again. It's so weird, I am just not tired. At all. I don't feel the need to sleep. I also have a bad headache which sucks. Tomorrow is going to be better than today, I hope...

*lol* This is fun. The week I was born, this was the hit parade in Italy:
1. Fotoromanza - Gianna Nannini
2. Self control - Raf
3. Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cindy Lauper
4. Against All Odds - Phil Collins
(the rest is unknown italian pop).
Now I understand why I love those two songs (the third and the fourth one) so much. *^^* Thanks to Haruka for the idea. Yeah, by the way, I am procrastinating. Actually, I am not studying but I worked a bit on my new skin (George from ParaKiss). Mmh. I'll probably study more in a bit. Well, I have to force myself to. I have one week until my first exam! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! X(

This stupid economics shit is so boring to revise... Like I care that the disparities between the developed and developing countries before the industrial revolution were in the ratio of 1.0 to 2.0. I COULDN'T CARE LESS. X( Or do I care about the System of National Accounts? Of the 6 topics I have to revise, only 2 of them really interest me, the one on the Human Development Index and the one on South Korea and Taiwan. The rest of them are just plainly uninteresting and boring. Gh.
If I only had to revise for Development I would be so happy. *sniff*

I'm planning my new domain for the blog and all the personal stuff. I think I am going to get lotus-scent.co.uk. Should register the domain here and get hosted here. I also should start using this, if I can learn how to use it, and if I can find a way of transferring my archives in some way... What do you think?
Oh, and do you think I should change my blog's name - to lotus-scent.co.uk, or should I keep calling it Vanilla flavoured days? I would like to keep it like that, but it might be a bit confusing... I could instead register vanilla-flavour.co.uk... Mmh...
Now I only have to convince my mum. It would be 29 € to register the domain (anyone knows a site with cheaper rates for .co.uk domains?) for 2 years, and then 10 $ a month for hosting - and I should transfer vsp.nu to that server too - I have to ask my brother about it though... Right now everything is hosted on his server which doesn't always work that well. It seems like a pretty good deal for me, it offers 350mb of storage space, FAR too much data transfer for what I need, loads of email and ftp accounts and has CGI, Perl, PHP and mySQL... Thank you to Giovanna for the link by the way.

I just updated the pictures page.
See, this shows our corridor and our flat door. As you can see we have an ironboard, a stolen chair and a "no war" poster from the march protest. Oh, and that's our flat number, ground floor (even though we're really on the first floor), D block, flat B. My room number is GDB1. I am going to miss this number (can you call it number even though it's not a number?)... My small cozy room. I love my room, all red and messy and packed with stuff, with my two little darlings (the plants) by the window, loads of candles, incense, my dear shisha in the corner, books all over the place, my board covered with nice postcards, my Pollock poster, my posters from various clubs, my five indian cushions... I can't believe how much stuff I've put in here. I came with two big boxes and three suitcases, I'll probably leave with six big boxes and three suitcases. ^^;;;
This is me having a really weird grin on my face. I love it. XD That's exactly the kind of stupid faces I make all the time. And I'm wearing my favourite jumper ever - a Mango jumper my ex-boyfriend bought for me in Barcelona. I wear it so much it's starting to fall apart - it already has two holes, but I don't care. ^^
This is Freddie passing out on the floor in the corridor. I took the picture 15 minutes ago. He's still there. In a different position. He told he had far too much to drink tonight. Three times. That means FAR too much. He's been scaring the shit out of Rie again. XD

So. Had a lovely lovely lovely afternoon with Medusina! It was really nice, we talked about just everything and finally! Another Yazawa fan in London!!! *lol* It was quite interesting to compare experiences in London, and to talk about the craziness of the English people, but most of all about how amazing London is. We decided that London has A thing (we don't really know what) about it that doesn't exist in any other city.
I was quite impressed by her posh English accent. I love it. XD Oh, and we had the nicest chinese food. Brixton is great. Actually, I would like to move there.
Speaking of which, I came home and got REALLY pissed off (and actually quite sad)... Well, it's a long story, but basically Kirsty is not moving in with me and Soph anymore. I am really sad because I was looking forward to move in with both of them so much - for fuck's sake, they're my best mates! I don't want to write too much about it here though, because I know there might be people reading and this is really just between Kirsty, Sophie and me. So we'll see if Kunal wants to move in with us, and if he doesn't want to it's going to be just me and Soph, and I know it will be great! Speaking of Soph, she finally came back from her romantic week-end with Paul. They had a wicked time... I am so happy for her! *^^*
What else? Oh yeah, random observation: I love buses more and more! Being in a bus going through London is the best. XD

Why do I sleep more and more but in the end I am always as tired as when I went to bed? Mmh.

Guess what? I am not going to be skinning tonight because... I am stoned again! Yuuuhuuu! Am I smoking too much...?
...
...
...
Naaaaaaaaah.

Damn internet is not working again. I mean, it’s so good to have free, fast internet, but then… It doesn’t work half of the time, for fuck’s sake!
I spent a couple of hours with Kunal and it was really nice. We talked a lot and… I don’t know, he is just so funny. I love Kunal. Even though he likes Starbucks. Sniff, I did something really bad… We went to Starbucks and I had a frappuccino… It’s the only thing I like there, but I feel so guilty when I go there. Mmh… Anyway, spending a bit of time with Kunal was really nice, because I really want to get to know him better.
Tomorrow I am meeting Medusina in Brixton! Yay! So it’s going to be like a blog meeting, as we are the only two Italian bloggers who live in London. *lol* I can’t wait. ^^
What else? I decided that I am neglecting my sites way too much, so I am going to make at least 3 new skins and update Skin me!. It’s probably going to be 1 Nana skin and 2 ParaKiss skins. If I don’t make them, I give permission to anyone who knows me to kick me. ^^

So. We went to the cinema tonight to see Welcome to Collinwood, which was an amazingly funny movie... And the actors were all really good.
Sophie is gone to Bournemouth, and I have to say that I do miss her. It's like... She's always here normally, and now she's not. But I had a wicked time tonight! It was just Kunal, Kirsty, Tom, Carole and me (and later on Fred)... I realized once again that I know some amazing (I love this word tonight) people, and they all are so different and so incredible... I love them. Kunal is the best though, he's just so funny and it's weird, when we're together we just turn into 5 years old again and it's a big laugh. I would have loved to move in with him too next year, but him and Kirsty just cannot live together (I am not being mean or something here; they both agreed on that *lol*).
Anyway. I also realized something else... First, that I am living my life like a dream. I still haven't fully realized that I am here, with these people, in this city, doing what I do - it feels like it has to stop, like it's a dream and I am going to wake up very soon, because it's just... Too perfect. No, actually, it's not perfect: it's what I wanted for 18 years, it's all my dreams and hopes put together, they're real, I am living them...
Second, I realized that my life now is... I don't know, an adult life? Adult life is just this - doing things on your own, not having someone else deciding things for you. I might sound like a spoiled little girl, but really: the rest of my life was like that, everyone's life is like this; you go to school everyday because your parents want you to, and then you go out but you have to tell your parents, and everything you do involves parents, or teachers, or adults in general. Now, I go out whenever I want to, I do my groceries, if I don't want to go to uni I just don't go and... I don't know, I can't explain it and it sounds stupid, but for me it's a big discovery.
I'll stop being all serious and thoughtful now... *lol* I love the world.

Someone, using a computer in the SOAS network, found my blog by searching "vanina soas" with Google... Who is it? I wanna know! ^^

Guess what? I am drunk soooo so so drunk! And I got drunk on wine for the first time in my life. Tonight I've actually started to like white wine. How cool is that? *ehm* Anyway. I know I had something important to say (write) but I really can't remember. Da-aaah. Drunk drunk drunk. I've got a revision session with some people from my development class tomorrow morning (at 9.30 - whaaaat? That's waaaaaay too early for me) but I am definitely not gonna go. I'll feel so rough tomorrow morning. *sniff*
Whatevaaaaaaaaaa... Good night.

God. I am tired beyond imagination. I passed out on my bed for 2 hours and I am as tired as before. What is wrong with me?
Happy note of the day: I bought a nice yellow dahlia, so cute. So now I have two plants (well, one of them is dying, and has been for the past... 6 months?). Yay. *^_^*
Anything else? Oh yes, flat hunting is depressing. Seems like there's nothing for just 3 people. We might have to find another 2 people to live with us? Don't know...

So. I've done nothing today, as usual, but I've been all over the place. This afternoon we went to Regent's Park, the weather was beautiful and I spent three hours lying in the grass, feeling it with my hands and looking at the sky... Nice. Then I met up with my brother - he gave me money (not having a bank account is fucking complicated, I really have to get one) and I gave him my contact lenses, talked a bit about uni, about this really difficult exam he has to give at the end of the month. My poor brother is working like madness, and working at the same time, and also going out: where does he find all the energy to do that I don't know. Had a really nice pizza (with hot salami, mmmmh) and then I got on a bus and finally went to Sainsbury's for the first time in... 6 weeks? Yeah, I basically had no food in the past two weeks, I've been eating either take-aways or pasta. Now I have nice pasta sauces, yoghurt and fruits. It really drives me mad though, I spent 20 £ on nothing, everything is so expensive here...
Anyway. Tomorrow is the flat hunting day; the University of London Accommodation Office is putting up the lists with the flats available for next year, so we (Sophie, Kirsty and me) are going to check them out in the morning and taking appointments to see them. I have two lectures tomorrow, but the uni is on strike again - the problem is that the guy who does my Vietnamese classes is never on strike, but I really don't like to cross the picket line... At the same time I have to go and work in the library too... Dunno, I'll see how I feel tomorrow morning.
Has anyone tried Vanilla Coke? It's disgustingly sweet but NICE! I like it a lot.
Nothing else is happening in my life. I’ve seen someone today who I really don’t like but the experience wasn’t too unpleasant.
We have to finish this weed we bought. For fuck sake, tonight I am getting stoned for the third time in three days. No, actually, the fourth because this morning we had another cheeky one (that is, a small joint). I’ve been smoking too much, but after this nothing until the end of the month, after my first two exams. Mmh. I am a bad girl. :)

Daily Double
1. How much time do you spend reading other people's diaries/journals/blogs per day? Probably between 15 and 30 minutes... If I have to catch up (like when I came back from the holidays) even a couple of hours.
2. Do you believe in heaven or hell? If so, honestly at this point of your life, where do you think would you go (heaven or hell)? I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, in religion, in God, in the afterlife, in a higher presence... I am an atheist. But... Let's say that I would go to hell. Probably. Because of some things I do that are considered bad - even though I don't think they are bad at all. ^_^
Another really nice feeling I just discovered: the rush of nicotine going through your body when you have the first cigarette of the day, when you're still sleepy and confused. :)

Fuck. Fuck. He can still hurt me 8 months after we've broken up. Make me feel like I was the one stopping him from doing all the things he could do... I don't know. I'm crying again. God, I've been crying so much in the past days. Why do I always have to feel unadequate?

I am stoned (again) AND locked in my flat. Yeah, we can't get out because the door doesn't open anymore. *LOL*

Guess what? He can't take his afternoon off. Soooo... Fuck you! His loss, I just don't care anymore. Lalala.
So. I am probably meeting Tom today and going to his place, so I won't be back tonight. No more blogging for today! IF I do meet him. I am going to hunt him down and kick his ass if I don't. *lol*

God. Last night we went on a MISSION to get weed and we got soooooooooo stoned. Now I feel like CRAP. So bad... I just want to go back to sleep... -__-

Daily Double (cool! Even though I am not sure I am going to do it everyday ^^;;;)
1. What do you prefer, magazines or books? Well, books are way better, but magazines are perfect when you're lazy and tired like me right now (I just spent two hours reading Marie Claire). But I can't live without books; I can't even go to sleep if I don't read for at least 15 minutes before turning the light off.
2. Do you think Michael Jackson weird? He's a fucking weirdo and he has some severe psychological problems. Everytime I see him he gives me the shivers. *brrr*
As usual, I am being really lazy... But it feels good... Mmh...

How nice is it, to come out of the shower, still wet, with lots of little drops of water on your shoulders, wearing only a towel, with a bit of fresh air coming from the window and telling you that the summer is near, and to smoke a cigarette and just think...
This is definitely one of the best feelings in the world. I should start making a list of them.

Ghhhh... Ghhhh.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! ;__________;
I called my dad in hospital for TWO FUCKING MINUTES and I spent 2 £.... ;___________________;
By the way, he is alright. He was operated of hernia this morning. He still can't move his legs too much because they did a local anaesthetic, or something like that (how do you say "peridurale" in english? The one they do to pregnant women). Anyway, he's fine. Poor dad. :*

My life right now is an emotional rollecoaster.
But life goes on and tomorrow I will be better, because I'll never fall, I'll never let anything discourage me, I'll always be here and never hide my feelings, and through the pain and the problems and the aching I'll always be happy, as I am now.
By the way, go here and write write write because it's the best feeling in the whole world.

I want to be in love. I ache to be in love.
Just spent the afternoon in Regent's Park with Sophie, Paul, Kirsty and Carole (and Kunal was there for a bit too). It was really nice and sunny and windy, and parks here are just so pretty...
Anyway. I'm in a bad mood again, which is... Just irrational. Last night after my little crisis in the middle of King's Cross I was quite happy again, and this morning I was alright, and now I feel crap again. There must be some reason for this fucking continuous mood changing - I really want to get off the pill. I actually might do as soon as I finish this month.

I can't believe what I just did. I was in a pub with Sophie, Paul and Dean and suddendly run off and then started crying the middle of the street when Sophie chased me.
I am going crazy, I swear.
Actually, no, I am just being mental.
And I just found out that Snickers more than any other chocolate bar is my friend when I feel bad.
Mmh, on this note, I feel better now, I am going to sleep and I tell you... Goodnight.

Oh God. The JERK, he went out with that girl he was shagging last night. I am not even sure I should see him again. I hate this, being jealous before anything has even happened, but still. That's such a fucking annoying to do. I shouldn't even know, Paul (his friend) told me, but it just pissed me off so much. Because I am so emotional and everything right now, I don't really know why. It just made me SO ANGRY, for the first time in ages. My lips started trembling and I am just in tension right now, I hate it. I HATE GUYS SO MUCH.
I'll write about last night and today later on tonight, I am just too pissed off right now. By the way, thank you for the comments on my last post. They made me happy, because I am happy when someone related to what I feel and I am not just some weird freak. *lol*

I could write about what I’ve done tonight, but really, there’s nothing that interesting to say.
Instead, I could say… I am a person who likes to be by herself most of the time, I’m always been like that. But now… Now I start to ask myself: why is it so hard? It’s becoming harder and harder to be by myself, not to have people around. It’s like… I feel alive when I am surrounded by people, when my existence is confirmed by someone else, when I am not the only one knowing that I am here, I exist, I think… Maybe this is just some stupid thought I am having after coming back from a night with my friends, but I feel that it’s what my life is becoming more and more. I am afraid of being alone, of being rejected...
Well, as you can see I am in quite a crappy mood again. I just want to cry and cry and cry, because life is so beautiful and I’ve been so happy since September that I am terribly scared of losing all this, I am scared of being alone again, like I was last year… I never want to be alone, ever.
What is wrong? Why am I so happy and unhappy at the same time? Why can’t I enjoy just what I have right now? I am scared because I feel like I am going crazy, like I… I don’t know. Like I am not made for being happy and I have to suffer about everything.
It feels good to cry. It feels so good.

My archives are completely fucked up (I have three weeks of posting missing, plus I cannot change from weekly archiving to monthly) and I cannot change my template anymore. WHAT??? I am pissed off. I reported both issues - the first one two months ago and the second one today. And guess what? They never answered to the FIRST one. What is wrong with fucking Blogger??? I know, it's Google's fault. Why the fuck did they buy Blogger if they're not running it properly???

Seems like my comment on right-wing italian girls created some sort of small flame. I'd like the people concerned to make some comments on it though. I like to discuss things.
Anyway. Here I am, with a hangover. Yeah, in the end I went to a cocktail bar last night and got drunk! Oohh! I tried to post but Blogger wasn't working, so here is the post from last night.
02/05/2003 at 00:42
Gh. Blogger is not working so I am going to post this tomorrow.
I got drunk! Yuuuuhuuu! On a tenner! Yuuuuhuuu! And it wasn’t even planned. I was actually supposed to stay home and don’t spend any money. But weeeell… Whatever!
Dean is so funny when he’s drunk. *lol*
Had some more texting with Tom and he’s sweet… I already know that I am going to regret a couple of drunken texts I sent him though. But I don’t careeeeeeeeeeeee…
I can’t believe I can actually write this well even though I’m drunk. Ok, it’s taking me ages, but I can still write. Yay for me!
God, I want this guy. I am going to see him in three days, three days… Let’s hope for the best. I am going to be a bit vulgar now, but hey, that’s me: I seriously need sex (would everybody understand me if I said “a shag”???)… Some sweet lovin’, you know what I mean (yeah, now I am taking the piss). I am happy and drunk! And can’t wait for Sunday to come!
I rock, all my friends rock and London rocks (I’m stealing Jana’s expressions now). Love you aaaaaaaaaall!

To mr/mrs/miss Yey! out there: I am sorry, but I think I try to talk about a BIT more than that. I give my opinions on politics, I talk about my feelings (ranging from guys to how I feel about London to how I feel about my friends etc.), how I see the world (and travelling and all that stuff) and the people that surround me. Yeah, there's been an awful lot of talking about guys lately, actually ONE GUY and that is because I really like him and am very excited about him, and I might sound stupid, but I think that as a girl I am allowed to talk about that.
And as I am trying to give a complete account of what my life is like as a student in London, girly stuff is involved, in minor or major proportions depending on the situation at the moment.
The girls I am talking about actually have NO opinions, they just write about what they’re wearing and the conversations they have with guys, they don’t even acknowledge the rest of the world, what is going on around them.
I don't want to make too much fuss about this, but I really want to understand: all of you who read this blog, do you think it's really like this? Do you really think that 99% of it is just stupid, useless babbling about girly stuff?
In other news, I got a 70% for my essay for Cultural foundations of SEA. So that's a 70%, a 72% and a 65%. That's a 69% average, almost a first! Yay for me. It really shouldn't be a problem that I didn't hand in my last essay. ^^

I hate stereotypes normally, but why do ALL the right-wing Italian girls who have a blog only speak about clothes and make-up and guys and “oooooh I have this new mini-skirt that is wonderful” and “oooooh you have to try this foundation”???
If I wanted to be rude I’d say they’re right-wing because they just think what their parents and mates think and actually know nothing about politics and cannot talk about much more than clothes but still… I can’t say that because it’s just stupid. But I already know of at least 5 or 6 blogs like that… Someone out there can explain this to me?
I mean, it’s not like I don’t talk about clothes & guys, but I try to tell a bit more. I try to tell about my friends, I try to analyse what I do and what the people I know do, I try to tell a bit more about my life, I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m very good at it, but at least I try… Mmh…
This article is incredible. I already knew about the whole depilation thing, but there’s finally someone who understands how I feel. I know shaving and waxing are not “natural”, they’re just something our society forces on us, but at the same time I really don’t like hair. It’s just disgusting, and I hate to admit that I am the biggest waxing freak ever. (by the way, link provided by the lovely Jana)
Kyo is just the greatest band ever. And I love to sing along in French… Download Kyo! Even if you don’t understand French, their songs are just… Beautiful.
What else? Well, as usual I’ve done nothing all day long, but it feels so good. To be like this, just be around and think think think. I would love to have a computer in my head to register all the things that go on in there. Like when I was watching TV in the kitchen with my feet on a chair in front of me and I realised how wonderful it is to just sit there and move your toes and understand that you are alive, that your body is there and you can feel every part of it. Sophie is really happy with this guy she just met and I’m just so happy for her. He’s sweet, cute and everything, and they’re just perfect together. I really hope it works out for them, and Soph deserves this SO much. And then, he thinks I’m hilarious, and let’s face it, that’s the most important thing about a guy, to love your girlfriend’s friends. XD
By the way, last night I saw the OTHER Tom, the guy I was with for a couple of weeks in October/November, and I realised how stupid I was to be with someone like that. It was quite funny though, when Freddie came into the restaurant with him and a couple of other friends, he was introducing everyone and he went to me “Vanina, this is Tom C., your ex-boyfriend”. At that point I just wanted to KILL Freddie but I have to admit it made laugh a lot.
Anyway, I’ve been posting way too much so I’ll stop writing NOW. Hey, how come no one is commenting anymore? Mmh… Gh, my blog is becoming boring. ;__;

Listening to : Kyo - Le chemin
Regarde-toi, assise dans l'ombre
A la lueur de nos mensonges
Les mains glacées... jusqu'à l'ongle
Regarde-toi à l'autre pôle
Fermer les yeux sur ce qui nous ronge
On a changé... à la longue
On a parcouru le chemin
On a tenu la distance
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore
On a parcouru le chemin
On a souffert en silence
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore
Encore
I want to see Tom... Really. I don't understand why we couldn't meet up anyway last night... The point is... I know he's kind of "seeing" (basically, he's shagging) some girl. He told me and... I don't know, I am building up my hope so much and maybe it's not even worth it. It sucks.
By the way, I am not handing it my essay. I don't care. It's like, 5% of my final mark. It's not going to change much.
And can you explain me WHY I have a hangover even though I only had two drinks last night?
Life is a mistery. Mmh.

Had just a plainly random night. Ate nice indian food and then went to a gay club. Yes, a GAY club. Lots of gorgeous men with gorgeous bodies you can't drool on because they're gay. But it was fun...
Sent a text to Tom saying "I don't know how but I ended up in a gay club". He answered "Don't go gay on me! Please."... I think I really like this guy... He's sweet. And he has a sexy voice and a wonderful smile. I'd like to see him before Sunday... I'd really like that... Mmh... He's calling me tomorrow.
Goodnight everybody... One last thing: I love London more and more.