June 2003 Archives

This week's Monday Mission is tough. Really tough, and sort of a bit too personal, but I'll try and answer all the questions... :)
When was the last time you said or were told the following, and more importantly, how did it feel to be you at that moment:
1. "It's not you, it's me." I probably said it to my last ex-boyfriend, in November, or around that time... Or more probably I just said "I'm too fucked up in the head for you". Yeah, that's more like it. But that was the only time. Anyway, I really felt fucked up at the time, and well... Sad that I was hurting someone I loved.
2. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Never said it, and nobody ever told me that. I'm kind of lucky eh?
3. "You just don't get it!" I do remember that really well! I said that on my last week-end in London (14th-15th of June), to my parents. Because they really don't get me. I felt angry, so angry, and deceived, but most of all, sad. That two of the people who love me the most in the world don't understand, it's a hard thing to admit...
4. "Do I look fat..." That's a question I ask myself all the time! But I think the last person to tell me that was probably my mum! *lol* I thought it was just funny, because she's really not fat and she looks great. :)
5. "I hate you!" Ouch... I think I've only said two or three times, and I really don't want to think about it. So, I'll skip this one.
6. "If you really loved me..." Easy. Sometimes during summer 2002 to my ex-ex-boyfriend. I felt bad, and that's all you're going to get from me, because that's something I don't want to think about, again.
7. "Not tonight..." *lol* To some guy I met a month ago or so in London. I don't want to say because it's too embarassing!!!
I ended up not answering half of the questions, sorry! But they really are a bit too intimate. :)
So, last night at around 3.30 I finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I cannot believe I'll have to wait another three years or so for the next one... I don't want to make spoilers or anything, so I'll just say that I cried a lot. Not only for actual things that happen in the book, but for the whole atmosphere... It's like, Harry is becoming an adult and it's not a happy success... It's really sad, actually. Very melancholic and nostalgic.
Anyway, my last effort to read the damn book made me so tired that I couldn't wake up this morning when I was supposed to, and so I didn't get Sim City 4 (I had to borrow it from a friend who was at my old school today for his oral exam). Fuck. I have to find another way... I absolutely need that game! Sim City is my biggest passion.
In the end, my mum woke me up at 10 and forced me to get up and get ready in 10 minutes, which absolutely killed me (I need time to wake up in the morning, but most of all I need to be SILENT for at least 30 minutes, nobody can speak to me), because I love my little routines and when I don't get them I am not happy! Went to the Italian Embassy to get a new passport but left after an hour because we were number 63 in the queue and they did from number 23 to 26 while we were there... *lol* That's Italian burocracy for you!
Then, my self tan experiment. Didn't go too good but not too bad either. I've got some darker spots here and there (knees and feet), but the rest is alright. I am going to do another round tomorrow, and I'll try to do my chest & stomach too. I hope I don't get addicted to the damn things; they're not good for you. But I'm so fucking white in the winter it probably wouldn't be a bad idea... Mmh. God this ended up being a long post. I actually meant to write a long post but not this long! :) Oh well.
I am in a weird mood and I don't know why. I miss cigarettes terribly.

WTF??? When Federico AND Jon AND Tania were evicted, BB4 became so boring they actually had to get a new housemate. *lol* I am impressed by the fact that people are still watching it, it's becoming ridiculous. A new housemate... *lol* If Federico was still in it would be much more fun. He's such a twat! :)
I am so sad. I am addicted to friggin' Big Brother. *sniff*

Dirty question of the week! *lol*
What is more intimate, sex or kissing? I think the degree of intimacy of both things depends on how you feel when you do it... Like, on how many emotions you put into it when you kiss or have sex with someone. A kiss can be as intimate as sex if you're emotionally involved with the person you're kissing! Or at least, it's like that for me. :)
What a weird question. It's fun though. Eheheh.

So, went to dinner to some friends of my parents' last night... And had a nice surprise! I met this really nice girl, Laure. She's 16 but she really does sound like she's 18 (ok, I am going to be completely not modest now and say that she reminds a bit of myself two years ago - actually, she's even more adult than I was)... Had lenghty discussions about London, school (as in high school and uni), food, buses, politics, dear Bush, shoes... A bit of everything really! Anyway, she's really nice and I might go out with her and her friends tonight. That would be completely new to me, to go out in Paris. *lol*
Still reading Harry Potter, and dreading the end. I don't want to wait another 3 or 4 years for the next one! *sniff* But the nice thing is, I’ve got tons of books to read next! Eheheh. I can’t wait.
A friend of my mum kindly gave me some self-tanning lotion and tanning pills (you know the sort of pills that prepare your skin to tan better, and stuff like that), so tomorrow I am going to try self-tanning for the first time in my life. I hope it works, because I am the kind of person who doesn't really tan, ever. I just become really red and sore, and then tan a tiny bit, and that's it. So we'll see. I would like to have a nice tan for once. I should buy a pair of short trousers (I mean, under then knee, that sort of trousers) for this summer... I've always wanted a pair... I don't like skirts that much so that would be a nice option... Mmh...
I was thinking about that parents thing… The point is, even though I don’t like to live with my parents anymore, they’re still my parents, and they still pay for every single thing I do. So, they deserve a bit of an effort from me, because I am already spoiled enough... :)
I am listening to the Romeo+Juliet soundtrack… It’s bloody good! But I have noticed, after watching the movie again, it’s really not that good of a movie. It’s weird, as you grow up you start noticing how things you once thought were very good, are in fact quite mediocre. Mmh. That’s my deep thought of the day! *lol*

Thank you then. :)
I am so pissed off. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be with them, I just... Don't like it. And I hate the fact that I depend on them so much, I can't do anything without their money, I don't have any other choice but to accept them... I can't wait to have a job and start paying for myself, so that I don't have to be thankful to them when I don't feel like it.
I know I am fucking lucky to be in this family, to have parents who pay for every single thing, but still... I just don't like this kind of situation.
Oh, and by the way, I'm damn tired of spam too. Everyday I get the same 5 emails (Generic Viarga, improve your sex life, improve your mortgage etc. etc.) over and over again. Damn you spam! I should install Spam Killer again, but I don't like the last version... Mmh.
I would say that life sucks, but in the end it would be an hipocrisy. I can be mad at my parents but they're still good to me. And my mum bought me another pair of shoes. I have to stop doing this, buying more and more shoes. I am so stupid, really.

Hey you! What do you mean by "a particularly bitching minimalist layout"? Should I feel insulted or not? :)
You don't look funny in that picture, I don't think... I look horrible though! :)
My next mission: to buy a webcam... Well, convince my mum that I NEED a webcam (ehm).
Harry Potter page count: 460. I'm getting better!!! *lol* I just wanna finish the damn thing and see who dies. Seriously.
Amaranta, I'm not too worried about next year... I am moving in with one of my best mates in the whole world, and the nice thing is, we know when we need to leave each other alone and so on. And then her boyfriend is going to be around a lot, and I think they're both lovely people to live around, so... I think I'm going to be alright! ^_^

So here you go, Friday Five!
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]? Another 10 days in Paris, a week or so in Turin with my aunt, then a good month in Tuscany with my parents... I might have some friends over visiting. Then, Hong Kong or Croatia or both? I want to be back in Paris around the 25th of August and in London at the beginning of September!
2. What was your first summer job? Never had one! Never had a job full stop. I am spoiled bitch, yes, and I feel bad about it. :/
3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go? New York, because I love that city, and I would love to go back to London for a week, when Sophie is going to be there, so that I could go out and stuff.
4. What was your worst vacation ever? My holidays have always been pretty boring, spent mostly with my parents in our house in Tuscany (in the middle of nowhere) so... I don't know, I haven't really a horrible holiday yet, just boring ones. :)
5. What was your best vacation ever? Probably Barcelona with my boyfriend of the time last Summer. That was quite good; we drove all the way from Milan and saw loaaaads of stuff. I absolutely love Barcelona and all the museums and all that Gaudì stuff... :)

So... As usual I slept until incredibly late (something around 11.30), just because I'm getting into this routine of going to bed at 12 and then read Harry Potter for 3 hours... :)
Went shopping with my mum, for me and for her... I finally got the cute syrian slippers (in white, they're so nice and comfy, 13 euros), then I got two nice tops in an expensive shop which is closing (10 and 12 euros), another pair of shoes which I cannot describe at all but is so cute (these were 6 euros - damn I have to get a webcam!!!)... Then went to Habitat because they're making loads of discounts and my mum had an additional 15% discount... Got glasses (they're sooooo cute), a huge cd storage unit (no idea on how that is going to get to London) and... Finally, I got my lamp again! The one the guys from the Drama Society broke! And it was so lucky, the initial price was 40 euros, with a 50% discount, so 20 euros with an additional 15% taken off! I will use one part from the old one and the others from the new one so it will have an English plug...
I'm getting so excited about the flat we're getting, and about my life in general next year... I'll do so many new things, and I am going to live like a real "adult", *lol*. First of all I will get that damn bank account, I don't care what it takes to get it, I WANT IT. Then I'll find myself a nice job, or, well, not a nice job but hopefully a well paying one... Make some money for myself so that my parents don't have to pay for everything. Then in the flat... I'll decorate a lot, do all sorts of nice things in my room... Then all the serious shit, I'll have to pay the bills, clean the house, cook for myself SERIOUSLY this year, I cannot keep eating junk food... *lol* A real flat, it seems so weird! My flat! :)
You know, it's been my dream since I was, like 10... To have my own flat, where I could do everything I want to, decorated as I want it... I remember reading this book about a girl in London who lived with her alcoholic mother or something like that, and then she decides to redecorate the whole house, which is in a horrible state... And it was so cool, how she was working on painting everything, and buying new furniture for cheap, sewing lots of stuff herself... At one point, I really wanted to become an interior decorator! :) Sometimes I think I should have chosen something more artistic, like Architecture... It sucks though, life is too short to do everything you want to do! :)
390 pages into Harry Potter. I'm reading too slowly. Blah.
[edit] I forgot to comment on the comments... :) So here we go!
Cattuzza, sai, i cambi di prospettiva non sono una cosa facile... Per me era un cambio voluto con tutto il cuore, perché mi sentivo piccola e meschina quando ero qui... Ma qualche volta i cambi di prospettiva non sono una bella cosa per niente, no no no... Il fatto é, se decidi di fare qualcosa di così grande, ci devi mettere tutta te stessa e accettare che le cose cambieranno in una maniera irrevocabile, e può essere una cosa negativa... :) Per quanto riguarda me stessa, non credo di voler cambiare città per un bel po' adesso che sono nella città dei miei sogni! ^_^
Lu! Dai, non esagerare... :) La mia vita non é così speciale, é solo che ci metto tanto entusiasmo, perché ho tutta questa energia festaiola nascosta che non ho potuto usare per anni! *lol* Però sono contenta se con il mio blog riesco a trasmettere quanto sono contenta di essere a Londra e di uscire, fare, conoscere gente! ^_^ [/edit]

PEOPLE! I want more people in my MSN! Add me please? vanina_minako@yahoo.com! Come on, I'm bored! *lol*
For the past three days I've had this weird obsession with Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes. I have to download the rest of the album, yes yes yes. Oh, and I also absolutely LOVE This Picture by Placebo. Mmh.

I'll comment on the comments tomorrow when I'm a bit more... Awake. :)
I've finally seen High Fidelity... Now I really need to read the book! Anyway, even though I wasn't happy about the whole thing being set in Chicago (Nick Hornby, come on, LONDON, LONDON!), I really loved it. I mean, I don't know most of the music they talk about, but that's why I like, because it pushes me to find out more, because I really did like a couple of songs in the movie, and there are bands I want to get to know better, like The Smiths and Belle & Sebastian and Green Day, a bit of everything. I'll start by copying the soundtrack off my mum! :) Sometimes, I wish I had better taste in music. I wish I could be one of those people who can make a perfect compilation... I just don't know how to do that. It's really a quality, something you're born with, and I didn't get it... Kind of sucks ah? *lol*
Something I really appreciated about the movie is that it has all these actors, they play in every important movie as secondary characters, you know their faces but you don't know their names, and they're all fucking brilliant. So good.
You know what? This probably is the worse one among all my layouts, but I love it to bits. Being able to open up my blog and have 10 months worth of memories coming back to me in one second, it's the best... And, I was telling someone, every one of those pictures up there has a whole story, I can tell you in which occasion it was taken, why, by whom... Pictures are such a wonderful thing. To think that in 15 years' time i'll be able to look at them and still remember everything... :)

So, dear visitor, welcome to my new home. :)
I am pretty satisfied with myself... The layout is not perfect and there are another zillion things I have to understand yet, but it just took me a bit more than three days to figure out the whole thing, install Movable Type, customize everything... So I think I did alright. ^_^
I love not having to go through Blogger, soooo much better. And I finally have a proper email address! :)
About the pictures in the layout... Let's see, the flatmates are obviously Freddie, Rie and James (from left to right). The going out pictures... The first one: Sophie, Kirsty, yours truly and Freddie (we were in my flat, ready to go to The End). The second going out picture: taken in a club in London Bridge, from left to right: Dennis, Paul (well, Paul's eyes), Sophie, Ryan, me and Kirsty. The picture just below that one was taken the morning after, when we got back to King's Cross. Then... The Japanese people, from left to right: Mami, me, Rie, Liesa and Hide. The picture under my room (that was my desk, with my laptop and my dear mug of tea) was the first picture I took with James... Moving to the right, you have Tom and Kunal, being so Kunal... The other friend is Jana, naturally, picture taken with a public webcam in Croatia. Finally, at the extreme right you have a picture of Ambar (taken on a bus to a house party...) and below that a picture of Dean and me (taken in his flat by his chinese flatmate with a Polaroid). This whole thing is not too clear is it? Well, it was quite good fun to write it. ^__^
300 pages into Harry Potter. I am going to repeat myself: way too much teenage angst... Mmh.
Rika darling, yes, I've seen L'Auberge Espagnole. I saw it just a couple of weeks before moving to London, I seem to remember... I absolutely love the movie. Basically, I was hoping for my life in uni to be like that movie, and my expectations were met, oh yes they were. :) And all the actors in that movie are so cute and young and good. *lol* I also had just visited Barcelona at the time, so it was nice to see it in a movie.
By the way, my blog has 566 entries, for 262 days of blogging. I blog WAY too much. *lol* But I was looking through some old entries, and it's so funny, to see all the things I've done during this year, all those thoughts and mistakes and funny things... In some way, I think I've grown up a lot since October. :) Kisses to panuru and Cat for commenting. Thanks. *^_^*

Blogger is migrating my blog to the new (apparently, improved) system NOW. Now that I’ve got almost everything ready here!!! Oh yeah, Blogger has to be stupid until the very end... :)
It's weird, when I'm here in Paris, I don't feel like writing that much, even when things happen to me.
Even though the only person I've been speaking to (I mean not through the phone or the internet, literally, SPEAKING TO) in the past couple of days is my dad, I am not as bored as I expected I would be... Not at all. I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, and I happily spend my day between my computer & winamp, my books and the TV. The point is, now that I've moved out of Dinwiddy I am not that sad anymore, because I can think about next year and be happy about that... Tomorrow I am going to Habitat with my dad to see if I can find anything for the flat - my dad has a 15% discount, nice... I'll also try to get my lamp again, the one the guys from the Drama Society broke and never paid back for... *lol* I don't think they ever will!!!
Last night I called my best friend from Junior High, who now lives in Rome... She's only graduating from high school this year (my school sucked but at least I only did 4 years of high school), and it's so weird... High school seems like it was ages ago, but it was just over a year ago... One year, and so many things meanwhile, I didn’t think it was even possible.
Sometimes I tell myself I've changed a lot. I still have to understand whether I really changed or I just made some parts of me “come out”. The fact is, this year I've been doing things I though I would never do... Ever. Trying drugs, having sex with different people, smoking... All these things I thought only "bad" girls do, now I am doing them myself, and enjoying them. A LOT. And even though there is this little voice in my head saying they're wrong, I know they're not. I think that what changed the most in me is my perception of what is good and what is bad. Bad is not what your society says is bad, but what you (with your morals and ideas) think is bad. That's what I love about England - people don't judge you on what you do (drugs or anything else), they accept you and listen to you, they listen to your reasons and just accept all sorts of behaviours.
In the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot, and as you can see I’ve realised a couple of things.... For example, I realised that I do want to travel as much as possible in my life, work in as many different places as possible, but I know where I want my "base" to be. My heart and my soul and even my head have chosen London as the city where I want to live, not just now but for the rest of my life, as the city where I want to go back... And there are so many reasons for it, some of them stupid, some of them really serious, but all equally important. Maybe this attitude of mine is stupid, this obsession with London, but I really can't help it. Because London has the best of so many things, the best clubs, the best roads, the best shops, the BEST PEOPLE, it's cosmopolitan, busy, happy and chaotic, and that's why I love it.
I ended up writing too much about serious shit as usual... *lol*
I've been reading Harry Potter - I'm some 200 something pages into it and... Dunno, doesn't seem as good as the others. A bit too much teenage angst. :)
Oh well. Should I move everything now? Now, tomorrow? Mmh… Probably now. :)

Harry Potter! It's here it's here! Finally!!! ;___; Who cares about domains and movable type, I'VE GOT HARRY POOOOOOTTER!!! *^______^* I'm happy. ;___;
By the way, my account was re-activated, I hope it doesn't create any more problems. It would really piss me off if it did. I also started working on the layout - I am going to use loads of pictures from the past year... It's gonna be huge. XD

Fuck fuck fuck. Now they suspended the account because they say that mt.cgi (the main script for Movable Type) is using "an average of 99.9% of the processor per request sent to it, this is causing massive server performance issues". Please, don't tell me I bought the damn domain for nothing. ;___;
Could it be that I've been updating several entries at a time? It probably is... Bwaaaaah. ;___;

1.What is the difference between spirituality and religion? God, it starts with a tough question... Let's say that I believe in spirituality but not in religion, which is only trying to male rules for spirituality. Does it make any sense? Probably not...
2. What is the difference between someone listening to what you say and hearing what you say? I guess that when someone is listening to me he also understands what I say, when he's hearing me he's not? I've got no idea, really.
3. What's the difference between a Father, and a Daddy? Dunno... A daddy is sweeter. :)
4. What's the difference between being married and living together? There's no difference, because imho marriage doesn't really make any difference. It's so easy to divorce today, why marry in the first place? If you really love a person you don't need to promise you'll be with that person forever, because that is the reason why you're with that person already, you plan on staying together for as long as possible. And let's face it, it's not that easy to fall in love with someone and stay together for your whole life, so why make promises you're not sure you can keep? Mind you, my parents have been married for 30+ years, so this is entirely my idea, really. :)
5. What's the difference between growing up and growing old? Growing up is realising that you are not free to do whatever you want but you have responsabilities; growing old is realising that you have more and more responsabilities. Wow, I sound smarter with this answer. *lol* 6. What's the difference between getting what you want and getting what you need? Very simple indeed: you never get what you want and you sometimes get what you need. Voilà.
7. What's the difference between punishment and discipline? Discipline is necessary (not alwayw, but most of the time - come on, I'm a rebel) and punishment is cruel.
There you go. That was TOUGH, really tough... I hope I did alright. :)

I am thinking of keeping the layout really simple - probably just with a top image and then leave it like that, and only change the style-sheet for the whole thing (change the colours basically). Damn Movable Type is quite hard to figure out... But it's so much nicer to be able to post from your own site, without stupid Blogger fucking up all the time...
Plans for the day: work on layout & entries, get my films from London & Cornwall developed, buy some really cute moroccan slippers from across the road, start to figure out Megabook and PHP fan base... And watch loads of tv, bwahahahah. Oh, and maybe download some mp3s. :)

Where's my copy of Harry Potter, where? It should already be here! GH GH GH!!! Harry Potter, now!!!
Anyway, slowly working on the new domain; as for now I'm editing all the entries to put titles and categories in... I guess I'll lose all the comments though... I cannot put them back one by one, it would take ages... Mind, I've got nothing to do for two weeks, so. *lol* :)
What else? I'm thinking a lot, about my life, about London, about everything, and I see so many things clearly now... But I've gotta go back to work, so it's gonna be for later on, all the thinking and writing down... Love! :)

...Are you working? Yes, lalalala. ^_^

YES YES YES! It's installed! Movable Type is working! *^__________________^*
So... I guess I have to start working on the templates and stuff and then... Close down this blog and open the other one. In some way, it's the end of an era isn't it? *lol* My first year in London and my first blog. Obviously I will have to import all my old entries in the new blog (let's hope Blogger doesn't go crazy on me - it already lost a good 5 days worth of posts)...

I don't know why but I cannot even manage to install the damn thing (Movable Type) on the server. WTF is going on??? Should I install it in the cgi-bin directory or not? And if I do what happens to the other files? And what about the damn database? MySQL or that other thing (which I am not sure is supported by my host)? And how do I put the username and password for the database in? dash_username or just username? I am really confused. Someone help me. Or at least give me an easier installation guide... ;__;
DAMN YOU 500 Internal Server Error!!!!!!!!!

Blogger is being a complete and utter bitch, so I started working on Movable Type. Why does it sound so complicated? *sniff*

This is what I wrote in the past days, a quick account of Cornwall and so on... Important: my new email address is teatime@dashofmilk.co.uk. :)
So, I am in Cornwall with Sophie... It’s been so nice, I absolutely love this place. It’s gorgeous, everything you see is just like a postcard... Just real, in front of your eyes. So, what have I done since Monday? Here we go...
Monday, June 16th 2003
Had a horrible day with my parents, moving my stuff and going all over London for a reason or the other, being constantly yelled at and treated like a stupid little girl. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay with them for like, 6 weeks. I’ll probably end up buying weed and smoking it on my own. Gh. Anyway, got on the train to Cornwall at 1.30, in St. Austell by 6! Saw everyone again, Sophie’s parents, Harriet and Lawrie... Sophie has such a wicked family, I love being here. And I still cannot believe I smoked in front of Sophie’s mum... It’s so weird! *lol* Went for a really nice meal in *, such a shame I don’t eat fish. Had the hungry man’s mixed grill, possibly the biggest plate of meat and chips in the world. We were all really tired (I guess that I went just a bit too mad in my last week in London, seriously) so we went to sleep relatively early...
Tuesday, June 17th 2003
Woke up ridiculously late (I slept something like 11 hours), went to the beach... The beaches here are amazing, and even though the sea is bloody cold (I swear my tits were actually freezing), it was wonderful... I hadn’t been in the sea for ages, probably for 10 months or something like that. Spent hours under the sun sleeping (what is wrong with me??? I sleep too much), thought I was tanning but only got really sunburnt. Ouch. My back still hurts, but my arms look quite tanned now, which is nice. Came back home and went to Truro with the bus (I didn’t now they had double deckers in the countryside! It’s almost surreal to be on a double decker on a country road...), met with a couple of Sophie’s friends, all really nice. Had a couple of drinks but the bloody hay fever pills made me so sleepy I couldn’t actually drink and was almost falling asleep. The worse was when I tried to grab an ashtray in a pub and smashed it on the floor. -__-;; Ended up coming back and falling asleep at like 12... I feel like I’m a sad bitch, but I sleep so well here I just want to sleep some more! Do you know how there are places where you sleep all the time and places where you don’t sleep at all? In Cornwall I sleep wonderfully, whereas in London (Dinwiddy in particular) I wouldn’t go to sleep, ever. Weird. :)
Wednesday, June 18th 2003
Slept a lot, as usual. Went to Truro for a bit with Sophie, Lawrie, Harri and her friends... Met Rachael again (don’t know if I said that, but I met her a couple of months ago when she was in London). She lives in the most amazing house, in the Mayfair of Truro (or was it Park Lane?). Anyway, after that we headed down to... God, what was that place called? Well, some really nice beach with a restaurant with huge bow windows and a really strong aussie feeling to it... The food was sooooooo good. Tortillas, huge burger and Belgian waffle with ice cream... Perfect for the munchies... Eheheh. Went back to Truro to listen to a jazz band in The Old Ale (really old pub which, as you can guess, specialises in ales)... I love jazz. I should start listening to it. Anyway, saw Mikey, *lol* don’t ask it’s a long story. Went home relatively early because we were all dead tired...
Thursday, June 19th 2003
Went for a barbecue on the beach! So English. Cooked bacon, lovely ribs and then everything went wrong with the chicken... It turned grey, bloody and toxic... *lol* An even longer story... Involving four really stoned people, lots of wind, sand and burning stuff. Soph had to work that night so I spent a nice night at home watching tv (British tv in always interesting, always. Why?), I am even getting involved with Big Brother (yes, I am a sad bitch) and eating lasagne (thanks Sophie’s mum!).
Friday, June 20th 2003
Soph had to work in the morning again, poor Sophie Wophie... I woke up at like 9.30 and then fell asleep in my clothes until 12.30. Duh. Went to the beach again, for a pic-nic... Mmh, thank you Harri for the nice sandwiches (chicken tikka/avocado and salami/avocado, yum)! Tanned (or better, sunburned) a bit more... I’m turning slightly brown though, which is highly satisfactory. Then we headed into Truro again (just Sophie and me this time), got drunk in no time at Bunters (come on, a double shot of vodka for 2 £??? It killed me. I was drunk in like half an hour) and... The local club! The Loft. It has a cheesy pop room, a pool room, a sort of chill out room and a dance room which left me positively impressed! Started off with hard house (I think it was) and then Mark E.G was on, great excitement because 1. he’s one of Paul’s favourite DJs and 2. he was friggin’ good. Danced like MAAAAD for two hours, non stop I swear... Sophie even sent me to get an autograph on a piece of paper (actually, a piece of my pack of cigarettes) for Paul. Most exciting. *lol*
And then, here I am, on the Eurostar. Yeah, I know, it’s a bit confused, basically I’ve been writing this throughout the week. It’s just a basic account so that I remember it, I might say more stuff about my week in Cornwall later on... Got a bit of stuff for my lj.
So, it was a wonderful week, it was so nice to go to Cornwall before going back home to Paris (I’m still not happy about being with my parents for that long *sniff*). It just made things easier, I think.
Other highlights about this week... I’ve bought cigarettes in England for the first time in my life even though I’ve been living in the UK and smoking for 6 months. But come on, how can a pack of fucking Marlboro Lights (that are not that good anyway, Muratti Ambassador rock) cost 4.50 (in Cornwall)/4.70 (in London) £??? It’s not normal, no no no. I am also learning to roll spliffs fairly well. I am proud of myself. :)

So, going to Cornwall for one week. Back next Monday or Tuesday. Love & Peace.

I basically haven't stopped crying all day. All my best friends leaving, all the empty rooms in Dinwiddy where people left the light on, and then, my parents are being so fucking mean to me... I just want to go to Cornwall and stop thinking about all this. I don't want to be with my parents for 6 weeks. I just don't want to. Because they can't do anything but criticize me in any way possible, because they're always against me, both of them, because they don't understand me and they never will. They've always been very liberal and everything, but since I moved out they're just... They just make me cry all the time.
I just want to get out of here and start thinking about next year. And be positive about what is going to happen. I am so tired...

So. Everybody has left. Kirsty, Sophie, James and Freddie. There's only me and Rie in the flat... I started crying, obviously, at least three times. I am going to miss all this so fucking much. And even though I know that next year is going to be as good, I know that I'll never have another year like this one, my first year at uni... Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional.
Oh well. Back to packing. I cannot believe how much stuff is in this room.

What a night... Yes, I'm still awake, but ready to go to sleep. I am so sad that it was our last night here... But glad because it was a really good night and because I know next year is going to be even better... Mmh...
You know what? I've had a total of 5 hours (or less, I don't really remember when I went to sleep on Saturday morning... Well, I was doing something else, you know... *lol*) of sleep since Friday morning (and even on Thursday night I think I had 5 hours of sleep). So that brings me to a total of 10 hours of sleep and some 40 hours of being awake. Well, I'm proud of myself! *lol* Not really...
Dinwiddy. I am going to repeat myself here but: what a place!
Goodnight or goodmorning as you prefer.

My parents are here and I've been REALLY busy. I went around London for the whole of yesterday and then went out at night... We went to The Fridge, it was an absolutely wicked night, the music was great and everything... And it was a nice big group of us (Sophie, Paul, Sophie's sister Harriet and her boyfriend Lawrie, do you actually spell it like this?, Ambar and later on Kirsty and well, me). And well, I met a really cute guy (Matt, he was so cute! With a punkish hair style and lots of freckles, very blue eyes and wearing moroccan slippers, you know the pointy ones? He was damn cute. I should have taken his number)... Mmh. It was nice until I woke up at 11.30 in a house I didn't know with my mobile ringing and answered the phone only to be yelled at by my mum... The stress!!! So, now I am staying in Dinwiddy until Monday and I'll move all my stuff in storage on Monday morning.
I might go to an open air rave tonight, mmmh. Lovely. If I do I will be dead tomorrow but I just don't care. As Jay said, it has to be done. :)
It's actually nice that I have so many things to do because I am not worrying about leaving this place anymore. I'm just too busy to think.

This morning I was stressed, now I am just tired. Absolutely knackered. Aaaaah. I need to rest for a bit.

God I am SO stressed. I have to tidy up my room a bit, get rid of all my lighters, ashtrays & cigarettes, take a shower, have breakfast and then go and get my dad at the station at 11. Gh. I don't want all this to happen. Time, can you please go back a couple of months?

I have money I have money!!! Yuuuhuuu!!!

This morning I went with Sophie and her sister to see a flat... It was nice but not what we were looking for (it didn't have a living room), but we absolutely loved the area. Finsbury Park is just lovely... It's more or less a North-African area, and I love it (it reminds me a bit of where I live in Paris), lots of nice shops with weird vegetables and fruits, and then it has nice streets with loads of small houses... And the nice thing is, almost all the flats there are in these small houses, which means... We'll probably have a garden! I'm very very very excited about this... I am going to love decorating the flat and so on. I am going to love having a real flat! It's going to be a bit expensive for my parents (we'll probably have to pay a 1000 £ flat deposit, and then it's 100 £ a week...), but they can give me a bit less money and hopefully I'll have a job... Oooh, next year is going to be so nice. And I'm going to sort my life out a bit better, studying and working, but also having loads of fun! Eheheh. I can't wait.
It's nice to think about next year because he makes me think less about this year that is ending... Less than 4 days, less than 4 days. Mmh. I am not going to start whining again. :)
What else? I am bored bored bored. I've been getting stoned a bit, but I've nothing to do, seriously. And my domain is still not working. Mmpf. I'd love to go to my brother's so I can get MONEY, finally... I've literally got like 5p in my wallet. It's the first time it happens to me. Not nice, not nice at all. But well, I'll be hopefully sorted out by tonight... Please please please?

I finished my last exam. YES YES YES I'm free. I cannot believe that one year ago, at this time, I was studying for my finals and now I finished my first year of uni... Weird!
This is just so *lol*.

Again, wish me good luck! My last exam for this year, at 2.30... Mmh, I am going to be happy when I am finished. ^_^

I just realised... In five days I'll be moving out of this place. Man, I'm going to miss it. Miss it so much. It's going to have a special place in my heart. The place where I lived on my own for the first time; the place where for the first time I've made real friends, and loads of them; the place where I've had more fun than anywhere else.
I was telling Freddie, I don't even remember this room without my stuff in it, and I moved in only 10 months ago. Dinwiddy House, what a place.
I have to take pictures of my room before leaving. And I think I'll hide some note in a drawer or something, for the people who are going to move in next... How is this flat going to be next year? It will never be as cool as this year. Ever.
But the people who will move here, will they see that people have been happy in this flat? That they've had so much fun? Will they see it?
Back to revision now. My domain is not active yet... Gh. I can't wait to build up my new personal domain! With movabletype and everything... I hope I can figure it out, it seems pretty complicated. Anyone, suggestions on some good manual online or something?

As I said this morning: if I didn't fail, I barely passed. I really hope I did pass. Fuck. I don't even care that much, and it worries me... *lol*
And now, back to work. I have to study for my next exam... Which is TOMORROW! Gh.

Just watched The Good Girl... What an amazing movie... *___*
I've been revising all day, and I know that if I don't fail I'll barely pass... Fuck. Whatever. Wish me good luck.

I know fuck all for this exam. I am going to fail miserably and my mum is going to kill me. Fuck fuck fuck.

My new domain is in the process of being registered. I don't know when I am going to be able to upload the blog there and everything, as I have exams for two days, then flat hunting, then moving out of here and finally going to Cornwall for one week... So, we'll see. But at least I will finally have a real email address I can use with Outlook instead of stupid Yahoo. Yay. ^^

Fantastic. Not only am I left with 20 £ and cannot get more money because my brother is fuck knows where in Italy, but my parents also keep telling me "Oh we told you he was leaving" with that we-know-everything-and-you're-wrong tone. And now I have to find a way of arranging myself. I hate to do it, hate it with all my heart but I will have to ask someone to lend me money. Or I can see if my brother can send the money to someone's account and they can then take it out for me... Fuck them. I so don't want to spend a fucking month with those two. They can make me cry just by talking to me. I am so tired of them, and I don't even live with them anymore. I just wanted to spend a nice last week in London and now it's just going to be fucking stressful as hell. I hate them hate them hate them hate them.

Yesterday night was so random... Started in the afternoon, we went for a few drinks in Brick Lane (love that place). Came back to Dinwiddy and went out again, first to some really expensive bar in Oxford street with Sophie, Fred, Kunal, Ambar and three of his friends. Ambar and the girls went, so we decided to change scenery: Wetherspoons (yay for cheap booze!)!!! Had loads of Whetherbulls (which is, for you ignorant people, double vodka & redbull! *lol* Isn't it hilarious???) and finished off with a shot of Tequila (I do hate it, almost makes me throw up). Then we came back home... And it went downhill. Vodka & Weed, by 12.30 we were completely gone! It was so funny. Had various discussions on the wall of life... *lol*lol*lol* Seriously, you do not want to know about it.
Only negative thing about last night: Fred broke my shisha, the glass bit. *sniff* But he'll buy me a new one (if he doesn't I'll kill him). Hopefully...
And today... Woke up terribly hungover, spent the day procrastinating and revising, and finally went for a nice indian meal up the road. Lovely, lovely.

Hay fever is killing me. I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep. Gh.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I cannot believe what they've done. You can't even imagine how angry I am right now. SO FUCKING ANGRY. I swear I am not going to talk to those two for a long time, I don't care. This is possibly the most desrespectful thing I've ever seen them doing.
To make a long story short, James and Freddie came back last night absolutely drunk, and they did a HUGE mess in the kitchen. And when I say huge, I mean it: broken glass everywhere, two chairs in the courtyard, wine all over the kitchen, the table and the other chairs upside down... And guess what? Now they went to breakfast, the poor darlings, they were hungry and couldn't be bothered to clean up. Why would they care if I, or Rie, or Hide, want to have breakfast in OUR kitchen??? I can't believe they're so rude. I am so so so so so angry. Posh Public School boys my ass, they have no education at all.
[edit] And guess what, again? They didn't even apologise to me. I cleaned up half of the mess with Rie and they did the rest. I didn't talk to them and they didn't even TRY to be nice to me or apologise. They just left. Now not only am I pissed off, I'm also deceived that my friends can have such a behaviour. Fuck them. [/edit]

I've just written the most emotional letter to James. I am going to give it to him when I leave... God I am going to miss that guy. I am going to miss this... But I have to stop crying about it. I have to enjoy what I have now, and I know, I KNOW for sure that next year is going to be a blast. I already know I am going to cry so much when I actually leave this place on the 15th, but I have to stop crying now, because there is no point in feeling miserable about it more than once.
Mmh. How much would I love to have arm (HIS arms) holding me tight now... I also should stop being so sentimental... :)

Well... My Summer sounds pretty cool right now. Seeing Sophie in Cornwall, Jana in Croatia and hopefully Tuscany, Rosellina in Florence, Dean in Hong Kong and then maybe James in Paris... I swear, having friends you can visit is the best thing in the world (yes, last year I had no friends and I was a complete loser *lol*).
Still blogging too much ah? I am just bored. And don't want to start revising... Eheheh.

Listening to: Albatross - Fleetwood mac
Friday Five! 1. How many times have you truly been in love? How can you define true love? I don't know... Probably once. Yeah, once. Now I only have stupid crushes... *lol*
2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most? What was great about him? Mmh... We could always talk, about everything. Stupid shit or serious stuff, we could always discuss things, and talk talk talk...
3. What qualities should a significant other have? He'd have to trust me. He'd have to be funny. He'd have to be clever and be able to argue with me! *lol*
4. Have you ever broken someone's heart? Yes, I think I have. Probably more than once.
5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be? Always trust the person you love. Never hide anything... Love is true when you are true to the person you love.
I am blogging too much!!!

I need to lose weight. Gh.

I go shopping with the purpose of making myself feel better, and what happens? I come home and I want to cry again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have the worse mood swings ever.
Anyway. I bought loads of stuff (and spent 70 £)... One very cool white top, one normal blue t-shirt, one grey t-shirt, one pair of jeans (God it took me a long time to find my size... Had to go through 3 different shops - for fuck's sake, I cannot believe that they don't have my size!!! And it's not like I am that fat, I am a size 14/33 in jeans, is it that huge???), one pair of huge round earrings, one white waistband, one pair of knickers (just because they were so cute) and finally, the best of all, a really nice, summery pink/stripey hat. I bought most of the stuff at Topshop and H&M (with the exception of the knickers -> Gap!).
I don't think I am going out tomorrow night. I just cannot afford it, in a psychological sense. Even though Tom (that Tom, who texted me a couple of days ago saying he just wanted to say hello and wanted to meet up again... Bastard! *lol*) is going to be there... I don't know, maybe I should go, but at the same time, I have an exam on Tuesday and one on Wednesday and cannot fuck them up... I have to think about it... Mmh.
I am angry with HIM, him. Sometimes I feel like he uses me, even though he's not. It's just that I'm jealous of him... Because he's not mine.

Why do I always end up hurting myself like this? I am so stupid, always falling for the wrong one...
I know I am not cute enough, and I am not posh enough to have him. I know that, I just want him... I don't care if it was even for one fucking night, I want to feel like I could have him if I wanted. I want to show the world I could... But it's not going to happen. And them, all of them, they can have him and they don't appreciate it. They don't appreciate it at all...
I hate when I am like this, crying over this stupid shit, over me not feeling adequate. But every time it happens, I just cannot help it. It's not my fault...
I feel so stupid... Crying my eyes out. Again. For someone who is probably not even worth it. Fuck...
So, don't you worry, I'm doing fine, no don't you worry, that you left me behind, 'cause I love my freedom, and I love my life, so don't you worry, 'cause I'm doing fine...

I am tired... Tired of school, tired of guys around me acting like... Like THIS.
I just want straightforward answers to my questions. I just want to feel good about every little thing I do. I just want to feel good.
And right now, I don't.

I think I am gonna go for dashofmilk.co.uk. I love it, and there's a sort of story behind it... Eheheh. ^_^
Last night we got all really drunk and we were all very bitchy and in a bad mood so I don't really know if it was a good night. Bah.
To this I say chin chin and I go to the kitchen and STUDY.

Ok. I just spent like one hour trying to think for a name for my new domain (I want to get a domain for the blog). Here is what I came out with:
pointofv.co.uk
restless-rave.co.uk
opalescent-life.co.uk
lotus-mist.co.uk
vanilla-attack.co.uk
chilled-smoke.co.uk
pink-lighter.co.uk
pretty-aspirin.co.uk
mischievous-smoke.co.uk
dashofmilk.co.uk
emollient-kiss.co.uk
erratic-kissing.co.uk
What do you think? I need your opinion! Please comment... So that I can buy it as soon as possible. :)
My personal favourites are pink-lighter.co.uk, dashofmilk.co.uk and emollient-kiss.co.uk. What do you think? Any suggestion? Other words that I found that I could use: cinnamon, frivolous, nomad...HELP ME PLEASE. ^^

I'm bored. I don't know. I should be studying. I AM BORED.

I swear, he calls me slag one more time and I literally kill him. I will.
I am pissed off with the world, for no reason and for many reasons at the same time... Guys just drive me crazy. What is with that other fool who kisses me on the neck?
The world is gone mad.

Last night... How can I describe a night like that? First, the club was complete MADNESS. A huge warehouse (it's called SE1); one big room with the proper music (psychedelic trance), and then another two (or was it three?) rooms with people selling food & tea & jewelry, and people talking on microphones, Tibetan chanting, African music (with a whole group of black people all dressed in white going around like a procession, with bongos and so on...). Just WEIRD, but perfect for that kind of night out. The point is... I don't even want to try and explain how great all these nights out have been. There are no words for them. Just no words...
And so, I spent the whole of today chilling out & smoking with James... My life really IS a joke. *lol*
What else? I know that 30 minutes ago I had so many things I wanted to say, but now it's all gone...
Right now, there is one thing I am really missing to make my life perfect... But I won't annoy you with it, because, really, it's always the same thing and it's always about me needing to feel loved.
It's weird how sometimes you just don't understand yourself...

Whoa. Last night was amazing, again... Now I am too tired to write anything (I went to sleep at 9 in the morning and woke up at 5 in the afternoon), but I'll write more later. Or tomorrow... God. London is the best city of the world. Londra, ti amo cosi' tanto...
Lots of love.