July 2003 Archives

So, here I am again. Things are a bit bitter, mostly because I ignore things which annoy me and I just try to live quietly without making too much fuss about anything. Time is passing by and I keep dreaming about my first day in London, in September, I can already see myself... I swear, I WANT to be drunk the first night I’m back, I really need to. *lol*
The rest of my holidays is still pretty confused... I really need to sort things out. Hong Kong is out of discussion (or almost), so my only chance seems to be Croatia for a week or so, and then back to Paris to rest a bit more and prepare for the big move in September. Going to Croatia would also be useful to buy cigarettes (I could then pretend I bought them for my friends in London, how clever), and then I would spend some time with one of the best people I know on this planet, Jana. It would be lots of fun, but I guess I would have to call her first! Yes, that would be a good idea. :)
I’ve been playing Icewind Dale II a lot. I’ve got two parties going on, an old one with which I’ve almost finished the game and a new one I’ve been planning for a couple of days in every detail... I’m very proud of it. As usual it’s an all-women party, with three humans, one half-orc, one drow and one wild elf. I’ve also been initiated to the pleasures of multiclassing which are still quite unknown to me, so I hope I won’t make too many mistakes. It’s so stupid though, I should have brought the first Icewind Dale with me too, as I never finished it...
I’ve also been reading mangas, finally... I’ve only got random stuff I bought at news-stands and stuff like that, but I’ve come across some really interesting shit. The usual Nana which is wonderful as usual, so emotional and so... True? It’s like reading a book, and it makes me think so much. I’ve also read some Karekano, which is absolutely wonderful and so so so pucci (cute), Fruits Basket, very sweet indeed, Hanayori Dango, passionating... I’ve also bought the second volume of this manga called Dream Kiss and it was a very nice surprise, plus it’s only 4 volumes in total... It’s so funny, since last year my attitude to manga has changed completely, just because I have no time for it anymore and I don’t have many possibilities to buy stuff and so on... I’ve stopped so many series, interesting ones and uninteresting ones, mostly because I don’t have the money to entertain all this passion anymore... So now I just read a few selected shoujos and that’s it. There are some series I would like to keep buying though, such as H2 or Versailles no Bara or Berserk... But my ex-boyfriend still has some of them and I don’t have the money for the rest... *sniff* It’s so sad, this hobby which made me meet so many people and changed my life so much is slowly disappearing from my life. Things change so much.
Anyway, I’ve been babbling a lot. Strangely enough time is going quite fast; I wanted to read so many books while I was here and I actually haven’t been reading any or almost. Summer 2003. Twothousandandthree, can you believe it? I remember when I was 7 or 8 and I used to think “Wow, I’ll only be 18 in 2002, it’s such a long time away”. And here I am, almost 19, writing here, and my life until now has been amazing in many ways, and I thank... Well, I thank the people around me and this world for being what it is and making my life like this.
Even with the pain and the trouble, life is always beautiful...
(As you can see I'm in a far better mood right now... Finally!)

Aaaah, I’m finally alone for a while. They’re gone to see Arezzo, or something like that. And I’m finally free to cry over all the stupid bollocks they’re putting me through.
I’ve been thinking more about my parents, and there are so many things I don’t get. You know, I think I am a pretty good daughter, I do what they want me to do, I’ve been doing what they wanted me to do for ages. Since I’ve moved to London I’ve been doing things I want to do, and suddenly they’re so... Bitchy with me, all the time. I’m tired to hear that I am lazy, that should do more, that I should do this and that, that I should be more grateful. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a girl or because I stay with them more than my brother, but they never do THIS to him. First of all they don’t ask him to do something every 5 seconds, move their stupid shit or help them do all these things I couldn’t care less about, and then treat him like shit if he doesn’t help them. I have to move their stupid books up and down the stairs and if I don’t do it they tell me “Ah, you should help us, this is your house too and you never do anything and we’re doing it for you too and blah blah blah”, but if then I complain because they want to move me from a room to another as they please because their fucking friends are coming and I don’t think it’s fair because this is MY room and this is my house too they tell me “That I should do it because I’m young and I should be nice to people and blah blah blah”. Do they ever move from a room to another? I don’t think so. Were they ever grateful for all their stupid suitcases and plants I’ve been carrying up and down Europe since I was 12? I don’t think so. They tell me they miss so much and so on, and when I’m here they treat me like I’m this useless spoiled person who should change completely. Fuck you, you brought me up like this, if it doesn’t suit you just leave me alone. I’m not a stupid puppet you can shout to and control, I am a fucking person and I have feelings too... I know that one of these days I’m going to end up crying in front of them and I’ll try it to explain all these things to them and they’ll just start saying as they always do “How can you say that! Haven’t we loved you enough? Don’t you see how much we love you!”, basically they’re going to say it’s all bollocks and I make drama out of everything and that I cry too much.
I want to be somewhere else, I want to be somewhere else.

Nothing interesting to say because I haven't been doing anything.
I've only bought a pair of plastic, very 70s looking bracelets and a bikini, because I am not wearing much else than bikinis. How much I hate the weather when it's hot like this.
Another 17 days here. It's going to kill me. I NEED to leave earlier.

This house is getting a bit too full for my own taste! My parents, me, two of their friends and my aunt... I’m not even alone in my little house anymore which sucks. I want to be alone, ALONE! I’m not really enjoying the swimming pool either because I like to have it all for myself... I’m a spoiled bitch!!! Eheheh.
Last night I went into complete hysteria, because I don’t want to be here... It’s just so hard to be here without anything to do, with no interests; I do love my parents but after three weeks of being with them I don’t see the point anymore, I’m just unhappy. In the past years it was alright to be here, because I wasn’t missing anything somewhere else; this year I’ve been missing loads of things. I know it’s stupid, but I am scared that my friends will forget me while I’m gone. If I could only get on a plane now and go to London... If I had a place to stay there, if I didn’t have to ask my parents for money... Or if I could at least be somewhere else making some money for next year... But where? I know I could never convince my parents to make me go somewhere now. They want me to be with them at all costs. My only chance is to go to Croatia for a couple of weeks as soon as we leave this place. Which means another three fucking weeks with them, then two weeks with Jana which would be heaven and another week with my parents before going back. It sounds like such a long time... These fucking three weeks!
I can’t stand this weather anymore; I’m already wearing a bikini all day long and I am still sweating so much; I cannot even sit down without sweating, it’s disgusting. If at least it could make me lose some weight, lol...
I’m in a really bad mood right now; I’m tired of being here, tired of being treated like I am this spoiled horrible person who has everything she could want but who is not grateful enough. It just shows how much they don’t know me. I wonder why they never treated my brother like this. And I also understand why my brother started to work as soon as he could so he didn’t have to spend the Summer with us. I don’t want to sound mean, but sometimes it’s just unbearable... I am such a drama queen.

I'm getting emails from people I don't know that well but that I really want to see again, and it's nice... Hey Ryan, hey Dennis! *^^*
I really miss dancing, it's something I really just discovered, and I love it to bits... I can't wait to be in a club again, dancing the night away, jumping smiling and being happy! Another six weeks to go, six fucking weeks...
So, I'm still here doing absolutely nothing. Reading, but not that much and sleeping A LOT. The only interesting this I could do which was buying manga didn't work out because the shop was closed. Fuck.
I forgot to say that I went to a concert while I was in Turin... Alanis Morissette! It absolutely rocked. She has loads of energy, she was jumping all over the place and her voice was AMAZING. It didn't even sound like it was live. I was there with my aunt, which was nice, but I kept seeing these spliffs going around and I was so tempted to ask someone for some... *lol* Aaah, drugs. I know it's good for me to take a break, but still! I could kill for a spliff right now, this place would be perfect for a nice smoke... But spliffs are only good when you're with your friends (or at least it's like that for me), so there would be no point.
My parents are out right now so I can smoke a couple of cigarettes, finally, and can stay connected for a while. Nobody is on MSN though. I'll probably try again later on tonight...
I know I am just repeating myself, but... London! I miss you!

...that I haven't been writing in the past days... As I was saying I've been using dear old paper a lot. But I promise, pretty soon I'll write a proper entry, so keep coming ok? *lol*
I have to say though, there's not much going on in my life right now! But well... I still think a lot so there should be some interesting stuff I could write about. Or at least let's hope so.
There's only one thing I really want to write about right now, because I was thinking about it for the whole night. Last night I was smoking a cigarette sitting outside my room's door, and I could see the moon above the trees. And I remembered this italian song which said "se siamo sotto la stessa luna non siamo poi cosi' lontani", I think it was, which means "if we're under the same moon we're not that far". I think it's just a brilliant thing, because it means that even if I'm so far from my friends, they will never be too far. That's what keeps me going right now... Because I love my friends to death, so, guys, this is for you. :)

I’ve been here for less than 24 hours and already I would love to be able to leave. I don’t know what happened to the relationship with my parents in the past months, why last year it was ok and now it’s just not. Maybe it’s been this bad for a while and I hadn’t noticed, who knows. The point is, I am tired, so tired of hearing “I don’t like the way you speak to me” and “you should be grateful for what we do for you” (the reason for this one is fucking drying my clothes, thank you very much but I can do it on my own) and “you’ll regret being like this when we die” (fucking hell, you’re 58, not 80) and “you have no reason for being disrespectful to us” (being disrespectful is, in their opinion, just replying to what they say)... All these things, they make no sense whatsoever, and I don’t want to hear them anymore; there’s not one little bit of truth in them, but still, they can’t understand it. I can’t even make jokes or criticisms, because they always take it the wrong way. I don’t know what to do. Almost another month here, it’s going to kill me. And after that I’ll have to stay with them because I know how short with money they are and I don’t want to spend anything. They already have to pay the deposit for my flat in September which is going to be loads of money and I don’t want them spending even more money on me and then tell me I’m a spoiled ungrateful little girl.
Fuck them, fuck them.
Anyway, let’s talk about something else. Paul, I don’t mind you or any of my friends (well, apart from a couple of really specific people, lol) reading my site. I think it probably shows a side of me that it’s not always visible even when you know me... I guess? The point is, I always appreciate people telling me their opinion about some issue I am thinking about; so your advice is more than useful! Once again, I have to say, I am really happy that I met Sophie and she met you... Those have been some of the best things that happened to me during this overall amazing year in London... :)
I am not in the mood to write anything more; it would be probably be too bitchy to be in any way interesting... So I’ll stop here, connect, post this, download my mail and go to my room, because I’m really not keen on spending the evening with my parents.

I'm in Tuscany... It's way too hot for me, but I guess I'll resist by swimming a lot and reading loads of books while sitting in the shade of an olive tree. What a romantic image, lol.
Anyway, I'll post properly later on tonight, I guess. I've been writing on paper a lot lately, so I don't know if I'll have much to say! But I'm sure I'll find some stupid subject I can talk about.
One last thing: Paul, thank you so much for your comment... I'll reply with my next post!
Love you all, all of you people out there reading this! :)

Well, I am still in Turin for three days... It’s way too hot, but I am surviving, maybe sweating so much is going to be good for me? *lol* I might lose some weight... :)
Today is Paul’s birthday, so happy birthday Paul! I texted him earlier and he told me that he was heading to the park and that life is wonderful! It’s nice to hear that people you really care about are happy, but still, I WANT TO BE IN A PARK IN LONDON TOO!!! *lol* Parks in London are so nice... I think my favourite one is Regent’s Park... But I still have to discover Finsbury Park, eheheh, I’m living just next to it next year... :) And by the way, life is wonderful, I have to agree! Even though it’s going to be even better when I’m back in London... Yeah, I’m obsessed. Seven weeks left (and only three gone, fuck me it’s going slowly. Sniff.
Meeting my ex-ex-boyfriend was... Weird, there’s no other way of describing it. To see him after almost one year, to see that his life went on even without me, it’s... Surreal. And I don’t mean that it shouldn’t have, it’s just weird the way people disappear from your life. They make up most of your life and then they just go, like that.
You know, I don’t know how to describe this feeling I have, like... Everything in my life right now is blurred, things happen and I don’t even have the time to realise it. One year in London, gone, and I swear that I still think, in my heart, that it’s not true. Maybe I complain too much, maybe I should learn to accept things, who knows? Tell me if I’m too boring...
In the last three days I’ve been sleeping at some friends’ of my aunt (it’s a long story), so I was alone when I went to sleep. And I’ve been thinking so much, and I’ve felt the need to write so strong, but I didn’t even have a piece of paper with me... Since I started this blog, well, Vanilla flavoured days, I’ve started to need this, to write down some of my thoughts, the ones that could develop into something important, special, the ones that could make me understand... I don’t know what, understand everything, understand myself and... I have all these doubts, I keep feeling... Incomplete. Like I’m missing out, I’m missing that one link that is going to explain everything...
I’m thinking too much again, but what can I do? When I am smoking a cigarette by a window looking out at the Po, the Mole Antonelliana and the moon? It’s quite a romantic view... I’m back at my aunt’s though, so no more thinking/smoking while looking out at the river... :) I’ll think with some other view!
Anyway. That’s all I had to say, I think (actually, it wasn’t, but I can’t remember the rest)... I’ll try to post everyday, or every two days from now on... I promise I promise! I’m so bad at keeping promises...
Little note I’m adding a couple of hours later (before posting): I just remembered a beautiful feeling. I remembered sitting in the grass in Hyde Park (I think it was...), looking at the blue sky and white clouds while listening to Croatian music, with Jana sitting next to me. Something else to remember about this year. I should start making a list of all these feelings.

Change of plans, it's a long story, I am not going to Tuscany until Thursday... So many things have happened in the past couple of days, inside my head but also outside...
I do feel like I'm more mature, but the weird thing is that I feel like that because there are way too many things I don't understand and way too many questions I ask myself.
Maybe this is being an adult? Who knows...

I should be able to post properly in a couple of days. So, come back then! I swear that when I do have an internet connection I have interesting things to say. :)

In Turin... Doing stuff with my aunt. I just got a zillion infested emails, how annoying.
And that's it.
(oh, and yeah, I miss London, I miss guys, I want my social life back NOW)

Waking up at 6 to get on a damn train, what a wonderful experience.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

So, I'm leaving for Turin tomorrow morning (at 8, why me, why why why???), and I won't be able to post as often... At least until I go to Tuscany where things are a bit easier. If I don't answer emails, it's just because I haven't had the chance to read any, so don't worry, *lol*.
Aaah. I so need to get broadband in our flat next year. Can't live without it.
At least I'm going to read a lot.

I still think Berlusconi should die. Possibly in a very painful way. You know, in England they write things in a big black font on packs of cigarettes to prevent people from smoking. One of these warnings says "If you keep smoking, you're going to have a long and painful death". Well, that's what I want for that stupid stupid stupid man. It's exactly what he deserves, for showing the world again how stupid Italians are. Pff.
The weather here is crap. Cold and rainy. It's better than extremely hot weather, but still... Can I have something that is in the middle? I am going to Turin in two days anyway, where I am going to literally melt on the asphalt.
I've got a friggin' bump on my forehead. It's a spot, but it looks more like... A bump. Disgusting.
Nobody noticed the other post, so I'll ask again: I'd like to get dreads next year, in blond and pink, like these ones, what do you think? Would it be too much? I'll have to do a survey with all my friends. My parents don't look too keen, but oh well. They're parents, they're bound to be deceived.
It's so frustrating to know that London is only 3 hours away, and I can't be there. And they're going out to the Fridge tonight! My favourite club! Crap. I just want these two months to go as fast as possible. :)
I've been listening to Rise & fall by Craig David & Sting a lot lately. I love the song. And Sting reminds me a bit of that last guy I met in London, Matt. Mmh. It's weird, I'm thinking about guys in this really distant way... Like, I don't really care right now. I'm fine even though I'm alone. Maybe I'm just preparing to be twice as stressed about it when I get back to London. *lol* I'm such a weirdo. But there's thing one guy I'm thinking about, and I wasn't expecting too. Even though I don't know him that well, who knows what could happen... This is all your fault, you two! Trying to set me up! *lol*

GO AND APOLOGISE YOU FOOL, OR FUCKING DIE.
Le figure di merda che ci fai fare. I am so ashamed that you are the fucking PM of my country. Seriously, die. And you even say it was a joke. A joke? You are talking about damn concentration camps! Are you mad or what?
I'm so angry, so so so so angry. Once again, we, Italians, are represented by a complete uncultured twat, a man who doesn't even understand the difference between a joke and an insult.
Ma chi cazzo t'ha eletto? Io lo vorrei tanto sapere, chi ha avuto il coraggio di votare per te. Una vergogna, ecco cos'é, una vergogna.

I am only leaving for Turin on Sunday, but I'm already packing. I have to plan this properly. I can't bring too many clothes, no no no. Is 5 pairs of trousers too much? I'm going to be away for 7 weeks at the most (and I might go to Hong Kong without coming back here, so)... AAAAH! I hate packing. Hate hate hate it. And how many pairs of shoes? One pair of trainers and two pairs of flip flops? And what about dressy shoes? I'm lost! And if I bring dressy shoes I have to bring my pattes d'eph' jeans because all the other trousers are too long. But then it means I would have to leave the comfy levi's... @__@ And jumpers... I'll bring the Mango one, and then I have a white cotton jumper, and then...
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

I swear, if I can find the 130 quid and convince my mum not to kill me (or maybe I won't tell her, lol), I'll get synthetic dreadlocks from this lady here, in blonde and baby pink, waist lenght. Can you imagine??? I would love it love it love it...
I am not sure that it would fit me really, but I don't care! *lol*

I wrote a very important email to someone last night, and I suddendly understood many things about this year and about me. These months in London have been a time of self discovery, of understanding parts of me of which I hadn't even aknowledged the existence. I used to hide behind a mask that simply wasn't me because it was easier. There was no challenge, being here in Paris, I didn't feel the need to explain things and ask questions. Now I know it wasn't the right attitude. I was just plainly unhappy.
Sometimes, when I was in London, I felt guilty because I wasn't always happy. The point is, one cannot be always happy. Sadness and unhappiness are always present, and every time I've been unhappy, I've tried to understand why, I've tried to explore my reasons for it and whatnot. And for every 10 minutes of unhappiness I've had 10 minutes of happiness, and that is the right balance. Because last year I was unhappy 100% of the time, I thought this year would be 100% pure happiness, but it's impossible, and now I know it. It might be just a stupid thing, but for me it's incredibly important.
And I also found out that there are all these things, "bad" things, which are part of me. Drugs, or one-night stands, or alcohol, I need them in different situations, not always, not too much of them, but I need them. They make me understand things about me, they help me to be happier. It might sound horrible to you, but it's true for me, and I'm not ashamed of it...
Life has never been so precious in my eyes, now that I know that it's not perfect but I know that I can be happy in many ways. And in these ways are not futile things like school or work; apart from my desire of knowledge, school has no importance to me. I'm not there to be successful, so that I can make money later on in my life. There are many other things I consider much more important; the love of the people who surround me, the realization of my dreams, the satisfaction of being a person with some moral principles and to follow them without being a hypocrite, and the happiness of being a person who is in complete understanding with her soul and her thoughts. These are things I will try to build up in my life; these are the things that I want to be an image of who I am, if it makes sense. Nothing else, nothing else is important to me.
I am sorry if all this sounds ridiculous to you, but it makes perfect sense to me... This is my life, and this is who I am.

Cointreau Spirit of Citrus is yummy. And quite alcoholic (24%). I WANT TO GET DRUNK. And no, getting drunk with my dad is not an option. Gotta remember to bring a bottle of this shit back to London. And a bottle of Limoncello, and a bottle of Mirto. How many litres of alcohol are you allowed to bring into the UK? *lol*
Let's see if tonight I can go to sleep before 3. Mmh.

Aaah, the rash of nicotine! Loooovely! Gh. Today I've had my first two cigarettes in more than one week. I can't wait to be in Tuscany so that I can smoke sitting in the garden. Well, not really, or my parents will see me, but I'll find more occasions to smoke. It's funny, I feel like I should have done this sort of shit when I was 14, sneaking around to smoke, not now that I'm 18.
By the way, I don't want to turn 19. I want to be 18 forever. Being 18 has been absolutely perfect. *lol*
I've done nothing all day, watched tv (two movies and one more later on tonight). The laziness.
Have to call loads of people (Rie, Laure, Sophie) but I don't feel like talking on the phone right now. Mmh. I'm an antisocial bitch, really.
Someone searched for "vani kunal" just inside vsp.nu through Yahoo. Weird?
I'm still in this bizarre mood, I'm not happy but I'm not depressed either.
Keep finding amazing people on the internet, a girl from SOAS on lj, a Spanish girl moving to London in September asking about halls of residence, an Italian girl who lives in London and left me a message on my guestbook saying that I'm sweet... I love internet and these things. The randomness of it all...
Also, had weird messages on faceparty... One guy inviting me for a "cultural evening" before he leaves for Frisco and one guy suggesting "some pampering" and a "full body to body Swedish massage". I think I have the ability of attracting weirdos.
I miss London more and more; actually, not just London. I would love to be able to go to some bar and meet up with all my friends, just like that, simply meeting them for a drink. I know it's impossible, but the thought of it keeps coming up in my mind.