I wrote a very important email to someone last night, and I suddendly understood many things about this year and about me. These months in London have been a time of self discovery, of understanding parts of me of which I hadn't even aknowledged the existence. I used to hide behind a mask that simply wasn't me because it was easier. There was no challenge, being here in Paris, I didn't feel the need to explain things and ask questions. Now I know it wasn't the right attitude. I was just plainly unhappy.
Sometimes, when I was in London, I felt guilty because I wasn't always happy. The point is, one cannot be always happy. Sadness and unhappiness are always present, and every time I've been unhappy, I've tried to understand why, I've tried to explore my reasons for it and whatnot. And for every 10 minutes of unhappiness I've had 10 minutes of happiness, and that is the right balance. Because last year I was unhappy 100% of the time, I thought this year would be 100% pure happiness, but it's impossible, and now I know it. It might be just a stupid thing, but for me it's incredibly important.
And I also found out that there are all these things, "bad" things, which are part of me. Drugs, or one-night stands, or alcohol, I need them in different situations, not always, not too much of them, but I need them. They make me understand things about me, they help me to be happier. It might sound horrible to you, but it's true for me, and I'm not ashamed of it...
Life has never been so precious in my eyes, now that I know that it's not perfect but I know that I can be happy in many ways. And in these ways are not futile things like school or work; apart from my desire of knowledge, school has no importance to me. I'm not there to be successful, so that I can make money later on in my life. There are many other things I consider much more important; the love of the people who surround me, the realization of my dreams, the satisfaction of being a person with some moral principles and to follow them without being a hypocrite, and the happiness of being a person who is in complete understanding with her soul and her thoughts. These are things I will try to build up in my life; these are the things that I want to be an image of who I am, if it makes sense. Nothing else, nothing else is important to me.
I am sorry if all this sounds ridiculous to you, but it makes perfect sense to me... This is my life, and this is who I am.