October 2003 Archives

It's like, sometimes life has to remind you that it cannot always be easy. Even though I haven't got any specific problem right now (well, apart from the fact that guys are complete knobs who don't know what they want), everything seems to be hard and difficult... I do what I have to do automatically, without really enjoying it, even going out and things like that. Very weird.
But you know, I'm bored of being like this and only being able to write about what I've been feeling since I got back to London; I want something to happen and get me out of this state... But I know that I have to get myself out of it, and external events can't really change the core of the problem, which is that I'm not happy with myself right now, I want to change and I don't know how. Maybe it's my... Crisi mistica, how do you translate that?
Well, I don't know. Blah blah blah.
Poor Paul was sick all day yesterday, he had to go to the hospital and everything... Auntie V (that's my nickname in the flat, bwahahahah) was very worried. But apparently he's feeling better today. He's still at home though (his parents' I mean), so Sophie is gonna go there tonight... Hey, I've got the flat all for myself! *lol* It's actually a bit depressing. This obsession of mine (not wanting to be on my own) is getting out of hand... Mmh.
I'm still moaning ah? Well, if you wanna know something funny, it's taken us two days to defrost our freezer. The problem is, it's the tiniest freezer you've ever seen, and there was like an iceberg around it. Meaning that when I go back to the flat I'll have to get all the water from the kitchen floor into the sink. It's not funny anymore. Shit. XD
What could I write about? I still don't feel like writing about all the things that I've done lately, and it's bad because it means I'm going to forget about them in no time... But I can't force myself to do stuff so.
I really want to update my booklog, I've been reading so much lately. Lovely bones is quite amazing, such a sad book; Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood is very funny and interesting (I don't know that much about life in Louisiana between the 30s and 60s, do you?); and I'm about to read American Gods by Neil Gaiman, very excited about that... I'm having some trouble reading Lolita, it's taking me ages, and I also really need to read Heart of Darkness (after watching Apocalypse Now I sorta have to)... Ok, my nerdy-booky moment has passed, and now I'll send you my love and surf properly for once (I'm sooooo behind with my daily blogs list).

I don't know why but I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life, you know, like I'm changing so much, I'm becoming someone very different (and very the same, lol)... It's weird how I cannot explain how I've felt in the past few weeks... I could say I've been feeling like crap but it's not exactly like that, because even though I've been feeling down quite a lot there have been some nice moments, and a lot of thinking which is always good.
Thank you to all the people who left me comments... I appreciate enourmously the fact that people enjoy reading my blog, because in the end my main problem is that I have such low self-esteem and knowing that maybe my life and what I think is not so stupid is a great feeling. So thank you so much. :) And Jana darling we have to go to the Czech Republic together, remember? And see Vaclav (is that his name? I can't even remember) and that other mad guy... And I definitely have to come to Venice (also because I'm not coming to Italy for Christmas as my parents are going to Morocco for New Year's Eve and I'm going to miss my two or three weeks of feeling Italian and speaking Italian)... I'm going to start checking for Ryanair tickets later. Eheheh. I could come for a three-four days during reading week, which is at the beginning of November... Dunno, I have to check work I've got for the week after that...
Anyway, yes, I know that sleeping with someone on the first night is not a good idea at all but... I am someone very physical you know, and sometimes it just feels good to have sex like that, without waiting and without making too much fuss... But now I know that for the future I will have to control myself... The problem in this case was... Well, let me explain. I don't have sex with whoever comes around, or at least when it means something more than just sex. Yes, I do have one night stands and it's alright because I know it's just that. Sex. If 'that' guy hadn't suggested that it was something more than just sex I wouldn't have had so many problems getting over it... I don't know if you can understand, it's probably just my little fucked up head, who knows? La mia testolina tutta matta! :)
I've had a cold for about two weeks now and it's just getting worst and worst, it really pisses me off. I keep coughing. And I keep smoking. Eheheh, I know, it's not clever of me is it?
How good is it when you keep receiving compliments for a dress you bought for 1 euro at a flea market? Seriously.
I could talk about lots of things that have happened lately, but I don't really feel like it... So, please excuse me for that. I'm just settling into my new life, being a proper student and having my flat (which I love to bits), everything is a bit weird...

So, someone else I know has found out about this blog, and I'm really strating to worry. I mean, I know that if I put this stuff up on the internet there is the risk of people I know in real life reading it, so I really should just delete the links to the archives or make the whole site password protected, but I don't really want to... I know there are people who don't know me and might enjoy reading my site, and I like to think that you can read it randomly and be interested by it even if you don't know me... At the same time, there are some really really private things here, especially from the beginning of last year, when I was innocent and naive and thought that nobody would ever find out about the blog. So, what am I supposed to do? There are some people that CANNOT read this site under any circumstances. I'm pretty confused about the matter and don't really know what to do. In the end this mess is really just my fault, but I cannot delete 12 months of my life, even if writing some things down was just wrong from the start...
Last night we had our first house party... Everybody got pissed, everything went a bit mad really, and it was great fun. We incredibly got to fit more than 15 people in our tiny flat (but you have to take into account Fred and a couple of his mates who decided they would sit on the roof, yeah that's right, the roof of the house for a while). It was great though, and it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in months (Tom C., do you remember him? The guy I was going out with last year, and Dave, and Tom M.), and people I haven't seen that often lately (well, Kunal and Ambar), and my usual friends and other people... Eheheh.
The only problem was getting up this morning... Actually I missed my SEA on film (the movie and the class because I couldn't be bothered with the neither of them, ops), which is bad, but it's the first thing I've missed in a month and there are people I know in that class, so I can just get the notes off someone.
Apart from that, I'm becoming a real, organized adult! I got my student travelcard, in two weeks time I'll have my first bank account, later on today I'm getting a membership at my local library, on Monday we'll get a 7-day free membership to our local gym (swimming pool, I'm coming!), etc. All sorts of exciting stuff.
Tomorrow night we're going to the Stratford Rex, which is gonna be soooo good. That's where I met Paul for the first time, seems so long ago... Well, it actually is 6 months. I can't believe Sophie and Paul have been going out for 6 months. It's like... So weird to see how strong their relationship is after not that long... Eheheh. My dear flatmates, can you tell I love them? ;)
Anyway, PSY TRANCE I'M COMING! I've been listening to psy trance non stop in the past few days, it's mad. I didn't think I could listen to that kind of music 'normally' (as in 'not in a club'), but I bloody can and it's bloody good. Bwahahah!
Yeah, so, as you can see I just needed to make a nice, long post. For once! I don't really know what is happening with our phone, when we are going to get it reconnected and when we are going to get internet, but... We'll see.
Oh, and by the way, men are still bastards, and I'm still a bit fucked up by what happened last month, but well. Life is a bitch and I have to cope with it.

After a stressful day, there's nothing nicer than being in a bath with lots of bubbles and very hot water, just thinking about life...
And after that, falling asleep in a nice bed with a double duvet while looking at the darkness outside your window.
I seriously have to start a proper list of these things. Small things that make me happy.

Back in London, back at uni, life is good... Paris was nice apart from me finding out that a friend from when I was in school (well, a friend of a friend really) is pregnant at 18. And it's not actually an accident, she wanted a kid. I'm starting to feel old you know, people younger than me having kids... ^^;;;
Well yeah, other than that... Having a double duvet is heaven, and Teen Big Brother rocks. Bwahahahah.

Listen to Psy-Trance in the Eurostar terminal. It's maaaad. *lol* Especially if you just got up and feel like you're stoned. Bwahahah.
So, I am in Paris. I should sit down and write a very long entry, I know, but I can't... I would end up complaining too much and being a total drama queen for things that are really not that important and... I don't want to.
What can I say? Christening my bed was not a good idea! And men are all bastards (apart from my dad, Sophie's dad and Paul).
Fucking hell, it seems like my whole life revolves around guys, what is wrong with me? *ehm* So, yeah, uni is great, my courses are soooo interesting... And all of my teachers and tutors seem to be pretty good, which means that this year is probably going to be a lot better than last year. Kekeke.
Wanna know my timetable (and be jealous forever)?
Monday
No uni!
Tuesday
14 - 15 : Politics of Development tutorial
Wednesday
09 - 10 : Theory and Practice of Development tutorial
11 - 12 : Politics of Development
15 - 17 : Theory and Practice of Development
Thursday
No uni!
Friday
11 - 13 : South East Asia on Film (we watch the film)
14 - 15 : Governement and Politics of South East Asia tutorial
15 - 16 : Government and Politics of South East Asia
15 - 17 : South East Asia on Film (we discuss the film)
As you can see I've got two classes clashing for one hour, but it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem at the moment (they're both in Russell Square anyway). I can catch up with SEA on Film quite quickly when I get into the class... Everything is fine!
Other than this... I don't have any cigarettes left in London (3 packs of Ronhill's) and I have no money to buy some here. Help!
Aaaah, my life is so complicated isn't it? (if you're wondering, yeah, I'm being sarcastic)

Mara, you're right, the smell of clothes you're just washed with a fabric conditioner is the best. It makes me feel like I'm living in an advert. Eeeeh!
I've seen a couple of other flats around, and no matter how nice they are, our flat is still better... First of all because it has a living room (what is the point of living in a flat without a living room, can you explain it to me???), and then because it has more character than any other flat. It's warm, cozy, and it has quite a lot of history behind it... Approximately 200 years actually. ^_^ I'm very proud of it you know???
I seriously need a digicam. I wanna take pictures of my flat, of Stokey, of London, of my friends and of anything else that is worth it. You know what, I would love to take a photography course...
The past days have been so weird. I'm happy for five minutes and then I spend two hours thinking about how useless I am, and how I am going to fail my whole life. Baaaah. Don't know what to do really, I guess the feeling will just disappear at one point... Hopefully. Mmh.
This is it, I have to go to Russell Square now (other campus) to get some photocopies and so on. Bye bye! ;)
Ok, lo so che sono una povera disperata, ma per piacere potete andare qui? Thanks! ;)

My week-end was absolutely great... Went out on friday night to the EQ warehouse, finally, after 3 months, I got my dose of psychedelic trance! I danced soooo much, I just had to! I went with Sophie, Paul, Kirsty and Tom (who I hadn't seen since June, and he's been busy doing the pirate so it was nice to see him again). Ryan wasn't there... Ops, I wasn't supposed to say it was him was I? Oh well. So, yeah, he wasn't there which in the end was a good thing because I'm just tired of getting fucked over. I don't need it you know? Just too much hassle. I've cried, I'm getting over it and fuck it. I can't be bothered. (ehm, yeah, I've been thinking about it quite a lot and I'm rather pissed off)
Uni is good, even though I still have two classes at the same time, I might have to change courses but I hope I don't...
Apart from this I've spent the whole week-end sleeping and chilling out... And I don't have to go to uni until tomorrow afternoon! Bwahahahah! Seriously, my timetable rocks. Mondays and Thursdays off. Eheheh. Only three days of uni, how good is that? It's going to be quite useful when (and if) I get a job...
But yeah, I'm rambling away now, so I better go. Devo comprare l'ammorbidente per lavare i miei cari vestitini! ;)

...or not? I'm not exactly in a good mood, let's say I'm in quite a bad mood actually... Why do problems always come in groups of ten thousand? So, after being fucked over by a guy (again), having found out that two of my classes are at the same time (again), I get my period (again) and a cold (again). Ah ah ah. Life is hard.
But tonight I'm going out, yay, psychedelic trance baby, finally! It should be a good night, a very good one (well apart from the fact that the guy I was talking about is going to be there and I don't really know what to think or do)...
Apart from all my whining life is good, I still have to sort out council taxes, bank accounts, jobs and all that shit but I've got time, really.
South East Asia on film seems to be quite interesting; I watched Apocalypse Now this morning and it was like "Whoa!". Let's wait to see how the proper lecture is going to be.
I'm sorry, I don't have that much to say really, I've been writing on paper so much in the past few days that my head is basically emptied of all the interesting stuff!
Oh yeah, I went back to Dinwiddy (my halls of residence from last year) yesterday and it was so weird... I even went into my kitchen and found my espresso machine that I forgot to pack back in June! Eheheh.
So, yeah. If you sent me an email at teatime@dashofmilk.co.uk could you send it again at vanina_minako@yahoo.com? I'm having some trouble checking my dashofmilk email accounts from the computers at uni (damn firewalls again).
Lots of love and have fun this weekend! (I will, bwahahah)