December 2003 Archives

- Levi's engineered jeans
- gray coat
- black&gray hoodie
- red gloves
- white&baby blue adidas shoes
- purple-ish cushion
- paper lamp in the shape of a flower pot
- black jumper with big silver zip
- red bag with flower
- lots of books in Italian
- Philippe Starck's ring with watch
- 500 euros from Marianne (meaning 300 euros + digicam)
- 100 euros from my dad.
Not bad ah? It would have been good even without those 500 euros which were a complete surprise.
My aunt is here, she's so funny. She makes me laugh too much. But she's already leaving tomorrow morning with my parents... Their plane for Marrakesh is tomorrow morning at like 8. Ops. I'm not leaving until 9 tomorrow night so... I don't really know what to do. I need to change my euros in pounds and wax my legs, but that's about it. Hopefully I'll be able to upload vsp.nu again...
As usual I've got way too much stuff to carry. One small trolley, a huge plastic bag (which is really light but still big), one medium-sized not-too-heavy bag and my backpack with my laptop inside... But I'm getting the bus here and a cab in London so everything should be fine!

...What do you think? I've spent most of last night working on this and on putting together vsp.nu again. I didn't go to sleep until 4 o'clock this morning (also because of our neighbours who had a party until 5 or so with drunk people, broken bottles and Kylie Minogue, seriously!). I'm quite satisfied, it's simple, nobody will have any problems reading my blog (compared to the last layout...) and it's happy and funky and it's got bits from my photos. *lol*
My aunt is going to get here in a bit... Yay! Tomorrow I'll post presents' pictures and so on. Lalala.

...All having a nice Christmas. I am. I had a great dinner (my dad prepared lots of nice stuff). And nice presents... Including a very pleasant surprise. More about it tomorrow...
Just wanted to say that I finally got my digicam and I've put online a Christmas gallery! Gotta love having a digicam (expect a lot of pictures from me from now on...).
Buon Natale, Joyeux Noël, Merry Christmas, etc. etc.

Silvio Berlusconi e il suo Governo sono un miserabile fallimento. Fatelo anche voi. Se lo facciamo in tanti e usiamo tutti le stesse parole, miserabile fallimento, presto cercando miserabile fallimento su Google il primo risultato sarà questo miserabile fallimento. Funziona, basta crederci. Se cerchi miserable failure il primo risultato è questo.
(yeah, I can't sleep, therefore I slag off the Italian government, un miserabile fallimento. And the American one at the same time, a miserable failure. Don't come and tell me politics aren't fun!!! *sniff*)

...just like I said, even though it's breaking every rule I've ever made...
I can't help it, I love this song. And Will Young is seeeexy. Why are the cutest ones always gay?
So, Christmas is tomorrow (yeah, in my family we have Christmas dinner on the 24th and open our presents at midnight...). Hopefully I'll get my digicam tomorrow morning, I can't wait! And I want to open my presents, they're already under the tree and there a couple of presents that I don't know... Mmh... Who knows?
I miss Ryan, and I really should call him but... I know that talking to him is going to depress me because I'm here and I wanna be there with him. Shit, it's already 9.45 anyway, 8.45 in England, so it's a bit late to call him at home isn't it... I don't know why his mobile isn't working. Not fair... And my brother is on the phone! Great! Grrrr... Now I'm pissed off! Get off the phone! Come on!!! (ok I'm getting a bit too excited here)
I got some space for vsp.nu again, hopefully it will be working before the end of the week... I got 70 mb (21 £ for a year, not bad ah?), but I'll have to use some of the space I've got for dashofmilk.co.uk as well (I've got 150 mb here anyway...). So I've got loads of space now. And both of my sites will finally be on decent servers (my brother was hosting vsp.nu for free, which was nice, but I had nothing, no cpanel, no email addresses, nothing). I also sorted out my internet connection for London with freeserve, and I got anytime! So I'll be able to be on the internet as much as I want when I get back. Lalala. Finally.
Today I also got an email from Dee, wishing me merry christmas... That guy is so sweet, I want to get to know him better, he's so brilliant! And he makes great psy trance and promised me he would make me clothes... Ah ah! So, see... :)
It's weird how different this year has been from last year... Better and worst at the same time, but better on the whole. I feel... More myself, more responsible, more independant... I have different friends, different ideas, a different accent... *lol*
You know what? I just felt it. Now I really feel like it's Christmas. That sort of interior peace. Mmh... And the years go by, and I remember when I was a kid and I thought... In 2000 I'll be 16! And here I am, almost in 2004, and I'm still that little girl in some ways, getting excited about Christmas...
It's at times like this that I realize I couldn't wish for anything else... I'm happy like this.

Not bad ah?
So, my parents' presents are finished, I only have to burn three cds for my aunt and write/make two more cards... See, that's what I do, I buy relatively cheap presents (because I haven't got any money) and then I try to make cool wrappings and cards by hand, it always looks nicer. The first impression you get is from the wrapping anyway, so... :)
This morning I was very brave (well, for my standards). I had to go for a blood test, and it you know me you know I'm bloody scared of needles... Well, I've found out that it's becoming more and more a full on phobia more than a normal fear... Last night I couldn't sleep for 4-5 hours after going to sleep, and when I woke up I started crying without even noticing. I couldn't think about anything else... I'd like to know what are the psychological reasons, apart from the fact that I don't like seeing needles getting into the skin and the blood being pumped out, it probably has to do with the image of something violating a body and taking something for it... Anyway, I went, they took three thingies, what do you call them, phials? of blood, and I resisted and didn't pass out (I was convinced I would ^^;). I'm proud of myself, for once! I overcame my fear. But I can tell you, I'm never having another blood test EVER again. ^^;;;
They won't have my camera in stock until the 24th. Bastards! I want my digicam!
[edit] I've moved the gallery here - it will be a lot easier to manage my pictures, especially now that I will have a digicam! Finally! *sniff* I'm a happy bunny! [/edit]

I don't know why, but there is a lot less feeling of Christmas in Paris, compared to London. Like... Christmas is not in the air, it could be November and it would make no difference. Weird stuff that only I notice...
I spent a good 2/3 hours wrapping presents, not because there are so many of them but because I like complex wrappings, with different papers, collages, paper flowers, ribbons, etc. I can't wait to have my digicam (yes, I changed my mind, and I'm going to buy it tomorrow, hopefully), so that I can take a picture of them, lol. And I'm also in the process of installing a gallery program so that I can manage my pictures on the site in an easier way...
This whole thing with money is obviously upsetting... I mean, my parents have been more or less in debt for so long that I don't even notice anymore, but right now it's pretty bad. It's more obvious... For example, there are less presents around this year (my parents haven't bought any presents at all for each other), and my mum keeps depressing about the whole thing... There has been a whole string of calls to family friends who can help sort the situation out in some way... It makes me feel so bad to know that I am quite a strain on my parents' finances (paying for all of my living expenses in London is A LOT of money, I can tell you that), but at the same time I don't really have much choice have I? I can't leave London, I mean, I would never ever even think of that, I can't, because London is my home, where I want to be... I should really find myself a job and try to help my parents out, but I know they would never accept to give me less money even if I had a job, because they feel it's their responsability to pay for me... It's all pretty fucked up.
Well, there is one thing I can do. And it's already done. I'm not going to Japan for Easter, there's no way my parents can afford ir, so it will have to wait a little bit longer. I've been waiting to go there for so long that it doesn't even matter anymore, another couple of years, I'll have another occasion. And at the same time I didn't feel completely ready to go on my own, so... :) I mean, I don't want to lie, I'm pretty sad about not going, but I don't mind, if I can't I can't and it doesn't matter. Voilà. ^_^
I still have to finished downloading/burning the cds for my parents and my aunt... My last selection is:
- for my parents: The diary of Alicia Keys by Alicia Keys, Folklore by Nelly Furtado, Life for rent by Dido, You gotta go there to come back by Stereophonics, IV by Seal & Sleeping with ghosts by Placebo
- for my aunt: Greatest hits by Red Hot Chili Peppers, Under rug swept by Alanis Morissette, Morning view by Incubus & Hard candy by Counting Crows (I don't know why but I'll think she'll like the last two, or at least I hope!).
So, yeah, my Christmas presents are basically sorted. Which is a big relief, really, I hate having this stuff to do, at least now it's done... Eheheh. Ops, some more presents to wrap (my mum can't be bothered so I'm doing all of them, shit...)!

My last post was depressing so I decided to delete. My parents have got issues with money but I don't want to think about it, even if it's the wrong moment to spend money for presents.
Went to the gynaecologist this morning, I had to wait with old ladies for a good three quarters of an hour and then had to be naked in front of the poor woman I hate. I even had a smear test (it fucking hurts, ouch) and I'll have to get a blood test as well, which I absolutely dread (I'm absolutely terrorised by needles and blood coming out of my arm and seeing it coming out and aaaaaaah >_<)... But well. After that I went shopping with my mum, for my Christmas presents (for me and from me). I got some cool travel-size shampoos and stuff for blonde hair for my aunt (John Frieda rocks! ^^), a book about Orientalism for my dad... Oh, and I got two books for my mum at WHSmith the other day (let's hope my brother hasn't got the same ones!!!). And now, my presents... Levi's, a very long gray coat (it only was 29 euros, I love it when my mum finds weird little shops with cheap clothes), a kind of hoodie/jacket thing (I need it for when I go to raves!), a pair of trainers (like my old white and pink adidas, just in white and baby blue), a couple of plain t-shirts and the coolest pair of gloves ever. Now I need to find a present for my brother before he gets here tomorrow. No ideas. Maybe some cream for men or some beauty stuff or something like that? I'll have to do it tomorrow morning, and I'll need to buy paper to wrap my presents and shit. Mmh.
I'm really pissed off, I keep trying to download one of Dido's new songs from Kazaa, and it's always fucked up, I can't seem to find a normal, functioning file. Work bitch, work!
What else? I need a fag, I miss London, I miss Ryan, I want Christmas to come because I want to wear my new clothes, bla bla bla.

I can't believe it, ah ah ah... A friend of my mum's gave me 500 euros for Christmas! XD Talk about a nice present... So my plans for that money are... Buy a shisha (so my mum doesn't have to give me money for that as well) and finally... Buy a digicam! But I've got no idea of what I should buy... This one seems to be quite good, and it's only a 100 quid. I hope it's still going to be the same price on the 27th when I'll be able to buy it... And then I'll go to H&M and buy myself some new t-shirts, and the rest I'll keep for future spending. Oh, and I'm also going to use about 50 euros on tobacco... I have to stock up before going back! Shit, this money is going to be gone in two seconds... *ehm* ^_^; But for once that I've got some money to spend on serious shopping! Yay! XD
Regarding Christmas presents, I got two books for my mum, and I am also downloading some cds for both of my parents (new Alicia Keys, new Nelly Furtado and then... Black eyed peas, new Dido and maybe Will Young...), but I still have no ideas whatsoever for the rest... I love giving presents but I hate having to think about them. I know, a bit contradictory, but what can I do? *sniff*
I've decided that the air here must be completely different from the air in London and that's why smoking cigarettes here feels different than in London. Every single time I smoke a cigarette here I'm light-headed and I have this huuuge rush of nicotine going into my brain. Mmh. Weird.
Because of some weird frenzy I'm in I've decided to delete both vsp@noos.fr (I cannot stand to download so much spam everyday, so the email address is no more) and my account with Streamload. Not having broadband anywhere I don't have the chance to download anything, so no more anime & movies & tv series for free... I still have so much stuff to see that I've downloaded years ago, it's ridicolous! And now that my mum is not spending the 10$ per month, I can make her pay for internet for me in London (I just found out that Freeserve is doing the first three months of anytime for 7£ a month,not bad at all)... I seriously need the internet at home, it was nice not to have it for a while and understand that there's life besides the internet, but I have to check my email and my sites more regularly... And I need it for my essays as well.
Speaking of sites, vsp.nu is not working. And hasn't been for a while... I need to talk about it with my brother...
Babble babble babble. As you can see I've had nothing to do today as well. My mum is finally coming home tonight, so tomorrow I'll have stuff to do... Including my first visit to the gynaecologist in about... 2 years? It's about time... But I'm sure you don't wanna know about that! :p
I have to answer a couple of emails. Will I find the energy to do it? Suspense...

I feel better now. I had to sneak out to buy my dear Murattis and smoked one, and now I am sitting here with absolutely NOTHING to do, listening to a Skazi cd. I'm getting into Psychedelic Trance more and more, it's so good... Having Paulie and Ryan giving me cds all the time is helping as well! Maybe one day I'll become a psychedelic girl. The only problem is that all true psychedelic girls seem to be about 5 foot tall (shit! I am using feet now. Great. I'm becoming English...). Oh well, I'll be a tall psychedelic girl.
I wanna go baaaaack! Seriously, the only person I've talked to today was my dad on the phone for about 2 minutes. I'm gonna go mad. Maybe I'll try and watch some shit French telly. Mmh.
I'm tempted to call -ehm- someone, but I know it won't be of any help at all, so I won't I won't I won't... I only have to wait until tomorrow night when my mum comes back and then we'll get into the whole Christmas spirit and it will be a lot better. I hope.
Minus 9 days. It's really not that long, I can resist... *sniff*

Yes, indeed, I'm in Paris again, with an internet connection again, and wanting to go back again... The last three weeks went so quickly, between essays and everything else... But let's start from the beginning!
I ended up finishing my essay on Friday morning (and yes, I missed all of my lectures), I handed it in and finally went home and relaxed... With a couple of spliffs, that's it (eheheh). Just watching stupid telly and so on. On Saturday Ryan came over in the afternoon (after work, poor baby, he was well tired), and then we went out... As usual it was Soph, Paul, me, Ryan, Dee and Sophie (she's a friend of Soph's from Cornwall who goes to SOAS as well). Sinergy Project (at SeOne) is BY FAR my favourite psychedelic trance night in London. It had one psychedelic trance room, one room with weird world music and the rest were chill out rooms, with lots of cushions, a tent (!), stuff like that. Like I always do I got a bit silly and sat down quite a lot, but it was so nice, all of us, just talking and enjoying each other's company, drinking tea (tea at a rave, how cool is that???). For once I sat down with Ryan quite a lot, which was nice, and with Dee, who I love more and more (he's such... A special person, I don't know how to explain it...). It was a wicked night, so chilled and nice, and I danced non-stop for a good couple of hours (I lost another kg - so I went from about 75 kg not even six months ago to 69 kg now, like that, for no reason, and I'm not putting them back)... Then we all went back to our flat, sat there drinking and smoking and talking (actually, I went to sleep for a couple of hours, lol) until Sophie, Dee and Ryan left... I've accepted the fact that after he's been raving Ryan doesn't really want to go to sleep or stuff like that, so it was alright...
Yesterday I went up to Enfield because I had nothing to do and Ryan hadn's gone to college... We just talked and talked and talked, about ourselves, how we feel around relationships, why sometimes it goes wrong between us, and once again I felt that... Connection, I don't know, this feeling inside me that makes me think that we have to work this out... I love tha fact that we just talk about anything, and we listen to each other, and we try to understand each other... It's just that for once I feel like we're completely equals, that we both feel like we're on the same level and neither of us has more 'power' than the other, and we can just talk without worrying about losing face or anything. We've told each other things we don't usually tell to other people... It's just... I don't know, so nice, I still can't believe it and I still don't know what's going on in my head and in my heart... If have to tell the truth I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this, and even though I'm scared of getting hurt or hurt him I can't help but go on, I have no choice, I can't let go...
(and I was thinking, Ryan knows about the blog, and if he reads this I'm going to feel well embarassed... Oh well, what can I do?)
Anyway, after that he decided that he wouldn't go to college today either, so he came back to Stokey with me (and cooked, which was nice, and quite sexy as well - lol) and came to the station with me this morning... I'm going to miss him so much in these 10 days, especially because if I was in London I could see him a lot more often than what I normally do as we're both on holiday... Oh well. Hopefully it will go very quickly...
What can I say? I'm scared and I'm happy and I wanna be back with my baby... I'm going to miss all those little things he does that just make me... Like him so much...
(I really am turning into a romantic fool - and I've been listening to Will Young's new song as well, dear me ^^;)

I'm not in the best of moods. I've got two days to an incredibly boring essay (on peasant rebellions in Southeast Asia in the 20s and 30s, seriously - and it was the most interesting one out of 10 essay questions), I can't take books out of the library, this morning I had to get up at 7.30 despite an incredible desire to sleep, I just had the most depressing tutorial EVER (capitalism is shit, we are shit, we are exploiting the rest of the world and there's nothing we can do about it), and it seems like my boyfriend won't even bother to come down to my flat and see me tonight (if he does I will cross out this tomorrow and apologise profusely).
But it's actually a lie, I'm not in such a bad mood... I don't know, I've been better lately, life is not bringing me down anymore, I feel like I have the energy and the strenght to get through things. I'm a weirdo, I know, keep contradicting myself. Eheheh. That's me.
Gotta go now, so much work to do, blah blah blah. But I've decided that I'm happy, and the winter is here and I don't know why but I'm loving it this year, absolutely loving it. The cold fresh air, the fog in the morning. All so urban and magical at the same time, and yes, I'm talking rubbish.
See? Waking up early is not good for me!

Last night, for the first time, I've noticed that I actually cry almost everyday. And so I am like my mum, who cried every day of her life until she was 25. It's not necessarily sadness, you know, it just feels good to cry, it's so liberating and... I just like it.
I am making a list of all the things I love... It goes from cigarettes to my friends to my parents to blue to skin against skin to travelling... I am going to try and make it as long as possible.
After some sort of little 'crisis' between us I went up to Enfield yesterday, to see my silly boy... I don't know what to say, every time (or almost) that I see him I just feel more and more... I don't know, involved? I think that I might be falling in love (if I'm not already), and it's weird and nice and it makes me really happy. I love the way he kisses me and the way he hugs me and the way he touches me and the way he talks to me and even the way in which he takes the piss out of me... I'm such a loved up fool ah? ;) I'm just happy.
Christmas is getting nearer and nearer and I've got no ideas for my presents. Help! I'm probably going to buy them in Paris...
Apart from this, I finished my first essay (due tomorrow, 2670 words, the longest essay I've ever written), and I have to finish preparing my presentation for tomorrow (80 pages on the rise of Islam in Indonesia, why oh why are you so cruel to me fate?)... And I've got another essay due next week (the first one for sea politics was shit, I got 57%, sniff, so I have to do better this time).
And that's it, enough news from me, gotta go and check my email that I haven't checked in about two weeks. Ops. Love ya!