April 2004 Archives

I spent the whole day at uni but really didn't do much. Watched this awful awful awful Indonesian film (I refused to go to the class afterwards because I'm not fcking studying that for my exam!!!) without subtitles, which almost made me sleep... Then spend some time in the bar, saw loads of people (seems like everybody is at uni at the moment, and it's a bit weird, lol, on a friday)... Soph, Kirsty, Liz, James, Sander, Fred, Dulcie, Rie... It was nice, I never see this many people at uni in one day, lol. Then went into the library, read a couple of articles and got way too irritated by annoying people... I mean, if you're in the library, why THE HELL do you spend 30 minutes talking to your mate or phoning your boyfriend? Hey? After an hour so I hadn't done much, so I decided to come home! Watched some tv, had a nice bath, had some pasta... Now just waiting for my baby to call me. Mmh. It feels so weird to have a boyfriend, someone I care about. I'm not used to it. Weird but so fcking nice! *lol* I am so happy, seriously. I know I'm repeating myself, but... I can't get used to the feeling! Mmmmmh... :)
Sophie and Paul went to see Dee and Ryan yesterday. Apparently Ryan is really happy with his new girlfriend, and what can I say? I'm glad for him, and I don't even care anymore because... Well, Jay is a zillion times better than him. At least. Ryan never made me this happy, he never made me feel wanted and loved and protected and just... Satisfied with myself and with the world. I have no doubts, my mind is not playing tricks it's... So great. Really. (sorry, I started talking about Jay again, lol)
Sunday night... Just wait for sunday night. *^^*

I'm here again, at Jay's place. I still can't believe how it just gets better and better, and I'm just falling in love. Yes, I am. I don't care what people say, yeah, it's going quickly, maybe too quickly, but it's what I want. Seriously, right now, there's nothing else in the world I want more than this, being with him and fall in love and just... Live as much as possible, or better, feel so alive it makes me want to scream.
Tomorrow I am starting revision, and I'll be serious about it. I can't fuck up now, because life is becoming almost perfect and I need to be at my best, in every single thing I do. Being with Jay has given me all that positive energy I was talking about - I wanna do things, I wanna be productive, I wanna be creative, I wanna be myself and take full advantage of everything I've got. So I'll work hard for my exams, because fucking 2i, I'm here to get ya! *lol*
Tonight I am going to my brother's place for dinner, finally. Should be nice, I hope. Who knows if he's still reading this. I hope not. Anyway, I don't know if I should say anything about Jay - I probably will in the end, because the temptation to talk about him is too great.
Got my new phone, it's a bit big, but... Sooo cool. It's got two cameras as well (one at the front and one at the back, lol). I had to add all of my contacts by hand because the little fucker sim card wouldn't work in my other mobile. Oh well.
I'm so satisfied right now, in every sense. Mmh. Such a new feeling.

My last essay is finished, fini, finito, etc. MY LAST ESSAY. So I've done 10 essays this year, for a grand total of... Way too many words. 21,000? *lol* That's ridiculous. So I'm gonna go into uni later on to hand it in and maybe get some readings, than I finally have to go to the bank to make a deposit (have been keeping my money in my drawer, again. *erm*) and... Tell people about Jay? *lol*
Tonight I was supposed to go to my brother's for dinner but he's just texted me saying he's in Frankfurt, so we moved the whole thing to tomorrow night. So today I can go down to Mottingham whenever. Yay! Do you think I'm exaggerating? *lol* What can I do, I need to see my baby. And do stuff... Bwahahah.
Yesterday I finally got myself a contract and a new mobile (500 minutes for 12.50 £ for the first 6 months, not bad hey?), you can see it here... It's the NEC e616, I hope it's a good mobile. Looks good enough, and it's got a built-in camera, yay! My dream is coming true. *lol*

Changed the pictures in the layout, to make it more... Well, this year. Hope you like it. I do, it's got my baby in it! Well, only his eyebrow really. *lol*

Prisonnier de ton enchantement
En faire l'affaire de nos sentiments
On dirait l'âme, on dirait le corps
Quand ton ennemi est le plus fort
Et moi j'accours...
Mais comment te dire
Les mots ne viennent pas
Libérer le son de ma voix
Je voudrais arrêter le temps passé en toi
Mais laisse moi te dire
Pris au piège par le souffle imminent
De ton retour, tout ce qui nous attend
On dirait l'âme, on dirait le sang
Tu touches mon coeur, l'esprit s'en ressent
Et moi je suis fou...

She says she likes me
She says she needs me
She wants to see me
'Cause I’m the shit...
So I'm finally here, doing this fcking essay... Shouldn't be too hard really, and it's quite interesting, it's just... How the hell am I supposed to concentrate??? It felt so weird sleeping on my own again (with one of Jay's tshirts, OBVIOUSLY, because that's just me). And knowing that someone in London somewhere really cares about me is wicked. It rocks. I love it. Yes. *lol*
People are trying to give me advice and it's just... I don't know. I don't care. 'You shouldn't have slept with him on the first night'. Really? I don't think so. 'You shouldn't be with someone if you're still weak and you feel you need that person too much'. Oh well, I'll just take the chance. 'Make him sweat, don't show you want him too much'. Why would I do that? I do want him. So, yeah. Maybe I should follow everybody's advice but you know what, I don't want to. I want to do things my way. There you go.
By the way. I lost loads of weight in the last couple of days... Who knows why... *lol* So I fit in both of my skinny jeans. Yeah, I had forgotten how I have a new pair of skinny jeans... I bought them a couple of months ago in Camden and as soon as I got home they stopped fitting me properly. *lol* Classic, I always do that. Well, now they're like perfect. Having a boyfriend is the best, in every fcking sense. XD
I updated the gallery by the way. Pictures from Easter in Italy! and my nice, newly redecorated room. So cute.

I was soooooo bored. So what did I decide to do? Go to the end of the world to see Jay. Yes yes, I've been naughty, fucked my essay and came all the way down to Bromley South (don't even ask where it is, I've got no idea), which was a mission and a half (one train, than 'this is a Victoria line train to Brixton' then another train, I even went through fields before getting here), but yeah. I'm here now. Went to this house party, where I didn't know anyone apart from Jay (not that I know him that well yet, lol), and ended up getting oh dear so drunk in about an hour. Very embarassing. And I thought I was a heavy drinker by now. Complete bollocks really. It was just the two of us most of the time, didn't talk to that many people... I felt a bit guilty but then fuck it, what am I supposed to do? I wanna talk to my BOYFRIEND. Bwahahah.
Came home... Jay has got a wicked room and like the sexiest laptop on the planet and fit naked women on the walls. Did... Stuff? And now I'm here. Happier than ever. And felt like writing this, don't really know why - Jay probably thinks I'm a complete nutcase now, but then, he already knew that. What's the point of this post? I don't know. I'm just all bubbly and happy. Here you go.

Should I put a picture up or not? Of me and Jay, I mean. It's already on my lj, so I don't know... Mmh... I'm becoming obsessed. Seriously. I am. Is it a bad thing? I hope not...
Need to start my essay. I've changed title. So I'm doing another essay on gender, or to be more precise, on stereotypes of women in South East Asia. My first essay was on Western films about South East Asia, this one about South East Asian films. Mmh. Should be quite easy to do. Hopefully... It's just that I can't be bothered to start...
Hey, see how your life can really turn around very quickly. I never thought this could happen... Mmh... *^^*
[edit] I've decided to link the only picture I've got of me and Jay here as well... So just go here. I don't think I've looked that happy & satisfied since... Who knows when? Time, you have to go faster, until tomorrow. Please? [/edit]

At uni. Trying to concentrate enough to follow my revision classes for South East Asia on film. Guess what? I can't. Too many doubts, issues, memories, dreams, etc. Argh. I know it's the wrong time for me to start a relationship (with exams and everything), but I can't just give up because of that! It's too big an occasion to let go. Voila'. That's all I have to say on the matter. Apart from not being able to concentrate, I'm incredibly happy, and I keep thinking about completely inappropriate things during my lectures or while studying. COMPLETELY innappropriate. Damn you Jay! Messing my life up like this! *lol* Just joking. Thank God I finally found someone to mess my life up. ;)

My date went more than well... Jay only left about 2 hours ago, so we spent about 24 hours together... I could go on and on about it, but... I don't want to jinx it! I'll just say that he's a really nice guy, he gives me a lot of self confidence, he's cute and he's got the cutest little expressions ever... So, yeah. I'll say more when things are going to be more sure, etc. etc. At the moment I'm very happy though. :)
Kill Bill vol. 2 was absolutely wicked... Very different from the first one, but just as good. The best character in this one was the Kung Fu master, lol. Sooo funny. I missed Lucy Liu though...

I am SOOOOO going to this. We're already organizing it. 45 euros for 6 days with the best psy trance djs in the world? Count me in...

Yesterday was extremely eventful... Can't (or don't want to) say why really, but lots of things happened. The only good one is that I finished my essay and handed it on time, miracle! It wasn't that good, didn't even have time to read it again properly (fcking queues in the computer rooms...), but well. It should be alright. I got another one back as well, a nice 66%! Eheheh. I rock.
Also, I found out that I read the exam timetable wrong (erm - stupid me), sooo... My first exam is on the 10th of May, but it's the easiest one of them all, so I should be fine. And I have more or less a week between each of my exams, which is great... Lots of time to revise! Eheheh.
I decided not to go to my tutorials/lectures today, for various reasons. So now I can go to the supermarket, finally buy some food, and get ready for my date tonight. Very exciting indeed. Let's see how it goes... Mmh. :)
Oh, and by the way, thank you to everybody who commented and suggested books. I've added them all to my list. Now I'll have to start reading them... *lol*

Article reading and essay writing. Don't like it at all... But yeah, I've done a bit of work (the headache caused by the sanbuca I had last night didn't help - erm), not enough, but a bit. Tomorrow I am getting up well early, making myself a good cup of coffee and working properly. Let's hope for the best... How I hate not having any willpower at all. X(
London yesterday was lovely; as I walked to the bus stop to go to Kirsty's place the sun was going down, the sky was blue and the clouds white, it was breezy and slightly cold, but not too much. As I walked in the little streets around here, with all the cute houses and Jewish people, I understood how much I like this area. I'll definitely miss it next year. Yeserday, once again, I regretted not being a good photographer, because everything was so beautiful to my eyes, all the little details of a London spring day... I can't believe the second year is almost over, already, but for once, I don't wanna be negative and think about like this. I want to enjoy every moment of it without worrying. Time goes quickly, and it sucks, but I can't change it, so I better enjoy it. I want to be more positive, you know, because... Well, it's worth it. I want to better myself, have more positive energy, take every chance... The problem is that I never trust myself, I don't have a very good opinion of my capabilities and I have to change this. And I will. In a bit more than a year I'll be finished with uni, and I'll have to start making a good life for myself, an interesting job, make my dreams real, build something. I want to be a better person, and I will try and try until I get where I want. Because I know that I can.
Enough positive thinking for now, lol. I have sort of a date on wednesday (it's weird - I'll tell you how it goes, but it's a weird thing, and I'm not too sure... We'll see) to see Kill Bill 2 (can't wait!), and Kirsty is having a party on friday, and it's going to be fun... I'll bring my bottle of wine and drink someone else's vodka, and hopefully 'someone' will be there, so we'll see for that as well.
This post has been good for me. I like how I start writing about something and go on to something else - maybe I write too much sometimes, but it helps me, it gives me strenght and confidence, and that's what I need at the moment.
Anyway, something else... If you're reading this, I'd like you to do something for me. Comment on this post and tell me the titles of three books you think everyone should read, just books you think are really good. I want some new ideas for books (I already have loads, but the more the better) and I think this is the best way to get them! Cheers. ;)

I'm in London again. Had to get up at 5.30 (Italian time) and my dad had to drive me to the airport for two hours under the rain... It wasn't nice, really! Then I finally got to London, with lovely weather and my huge bag, and found out that my fantastic hair spray had opened itself and all of my clothes had to been washed... But apart from that, I'm happy to be back! Now I have to start working on my essay though... Argh.

Yeah, I disappeared. We got to the house in Tuscany after the usual 6 hours in a car so full you almost can't breathe and bags and plants are falling all over you, and guess what? We had no gas, which means no heating and no hot water (and I can tell you, it's bloody cold around here, for the first time in my life I was wearing two tshirts and two jumpers and two pairs of socks at the same time), because our last guests left us without and didn't even pay for it, and without phone, because my dad's bank fucked up and didn't pay a bill. So I was completely cut off the world and I was so cold I could have been dead for a couple of days. But it was good, I smoked myself like a good ham (fires in old country houses are the best!), and (almost) didn't wash myself for three days, which is good for my skin and makes me feel bohemienne. Anyway. Now we have heating AND phone, so everything is fine. I've been playing with Pharaoh and Zeus an awful lot, I haven't done any work for uni, I bought lots of small stuff I needed (and my aunt bought me a wonderful expensive cashmire jumper), I've done stuff. My parents irritate me but I've only got 3 days left. FCK! Three days. I've just realized. London, I'm coming!
The best thing I've bought? Icing sugar flavoured bath foam (i bagnoschiuma dell'acquolina sono meravigliosi, spero di riuscire a comprarmi anche il bagno latte alla fragola con panna o al cappuccino prima di partire!!!). I also bought 9 pairs of stripey socks for really not that much money (Italian markets, I love you). Etc. etc. Also found loads of books I'll have to read this summer, such as Anais Nin's journals, Kipling, Salinger, and some other mixed stuff.
I'm tired of stupid spammers leaving stupid comments trying to sell me stupid drugs and viagra and shit. Fck off!

I forgot to say, I bought these shoes in Brussels, how cute are they? And they're womens shoes, lol. I think it's the first time in my life I buy a pair of womens trainers. I love them.
So, I'm in Turin. I've been in 5 different European cities in the last 3 weeks, and I've spent 20+ hours travelling as well. I'm kind of tired now, but it's cool. At least I've changed scenery all the time. I don't really feel like going to Tuscany because the weather here in Italy is absolutely shit... Yesterday it rained the WHOLE day - I swear I've never seen weather so bad in London! It's really unlucky, being in Italy in April with a weather that is more... December or so. Oh well. I'm sleeping at a friend of my aunt's (she's only got a small flat, so I don't fit in), who is... A transsexual, and she's got the most beautiful house EVER, with loads of Art Nouveau stuff, exactly the kind of house I want when I grow up. I'll post pictures in the next few days.
It's been weird lately... I always have the feeling I'm living someone else's life, and all these little things... I don't know. Listening to psy trance and remembering clubs, and now Always by Bon Jovi (I used to listen to it when I was still in Rome, such a long time ago), and wearing nice earrings (in the shape of bunches of grapes), and my aunt's laundry smelling like Ryan (what can I do, it makes me think of him and my heart aches), flowers, Italian architecture, and cashmire on my skin... All these things probably mean nothing to you, they just seem like a random collection of things and feelings (and they are), but for me, right now, they represent so much, and I can't even explain how and why - sometimes I think that I'm too crazy and complicated and weird for my own good. Every little thing makes me nostalgic and pensive and... I don't know...
By the way, it's confirmed. My parents, AND my aunt, know I smoke. I still don't wanna smoke in front of them though. Which sucks, in some way, because I just need a cigarette. *lol*

I'm becoming obsessed with Toxic, Britney's latest deed. I have agreed on this with a couple of people - the song is damn catchy. She's back to her first days, when her songs actually were good, sellable, pop songs. Lalala. Anyway. Pictures from Brussels and my new haircut and haircolour (I forgot to say that I went to the hairdresser, yes) are up. So, enjoy!
So, my problem with getting a licence is... I don't actually need it (nobody in my family can afford to pay for a car & insurance for me, really), but I'd rather do it now, otherwise I'll end up like my mum who still hasn't got one. Speaking of my mum, when I got home last week she was telling me how "they can't travel anymore because they can't afford it". Well, guess where she's going in May. THAILAND AND CAMBODIA. SOUTH EAST ASIA, the place I-I-I should be going to because in the end I AM doing South East Asian Studies. And now it seems like my dad can't go, so she will go with my aunt or something because guess what, she's going exactly when exams are starting. I am PISSED OFF.
Yuuuuhuuuu! My exams timetables are up! It's quite good, I've got a good month to revise, and then... Actually, it's easier like this:
Southeast Asian Government and Politics
18/05/2004 10:00
Theory and Evidence in Contemporary Development
24/05/2004 14:30
Southeast Asia on Film
25/05/2004 10:00
Politics of Development
02/06/2004 14:30
Well, it's quite bad that I have two exams in two days, but it should be alright (in the end, they are for my two favourite subjects, so). And then I have a good week between those and each of the other two. Nice nice. And I finish on the 2nd, meaning that I'll have exactly one week to party like crazy before leaving! Perfect. XD

So, I went with my mum to Brussels. She was working and I just walked around on my own for a couple of days... I remembered Brussels as an awful awful place, and you know what? I was wrong, it's lovely. I actually quite like it. Ok, it's tiny, and lots of beautiful buildings have been destroyed and horrible stuff built instead, and it rains a lot, but... It's nice. With a daily flea market, random wonderful Art Nouveau buildings, an international community, loads of nice shops, nice little restaurants, and loads and loads of antiques shops. And nice trams and buses. I just liked it. And the nice thing is, I've found some ideas for what I could do after uni. One thing is for sure, I'll have to leave London. At least for a bit. But I don't mind, really. I've been told that the best thing to do would be to work on the field for a couple of years, in an NGO in Africa, Asia or Latin America. Specialize in something, like, I don't know, family planning or stuff like that (which seems interesting). And then try to get a job at the European Commission, which would be perfect-oh so interesting-etc. World, I'm coming! So I'm a bit less scared of finishing uni now. At least I've got some idea of what I could do. Trying to find out where I should get my licence - France is cheaper (540 euros) but more complicated (I'll only be here for part of the summer), England is more expensive (around 770 euros) but a lot easier. But my official residence is still here in Paris so I'll need to check that. We'll see.

I am going to Brussels with my mum tomorrow, and coming back on wednesday. Should be nice, because I haven't seen it since I was a kid, and there is a nice flea market and I'll get some shopping money as well. Sometimes being at home is just great. Bwahahah. So, in this month of holidays, I will have done all the following travelling: London-Venice-London-Paris-Brussels-Paris-Turin-Tuscany-London. Not bad hey? Fcking hell, I think I'll be more tired when I get back than I was when I left London. *sniffs*
I've been playing with Pharaoh and Zeus a lot lately, and now I want to buy Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom, because it sounds even better! Simulation/strategy games are the best. I need to find Sim City 4 again (I know I had downloaded it somewhere but I can't find it anymore). I could buy it actually... But I don't really feel like it, I get bored of videogames too easily to spend money on them. My strategy is usually to download them first and then wait until when they come out in the oh-so-cheap version and buy them for a fiver. Eheheh.
All of the viruses/worms/bad things on my computer are finally gone, so now it works perfectly! I love having a freshly formatted hard disk/newly installed windows. It rocks.

My mates must be on their way to go to Psychedelic Academy by now, and it sucks so much that I'm not there, just SO. I know I've said this way too many times in the last few days, but I can assure you, you don't understand how unhappy I am about this. It's a one-off rave, with lots of amazing djs, in one of the biggest clubs in London (4300 capacity, which probably means around 6000). Apparently the main dancefloor holds something like 1500 people; can you imagine, 1500 people all dancing to the music and moving as one? 'Feeling the energy of the earth!' *lol*
The only thing I can hope for is that they're going to make so much money that they'll do it again. *sniff*

This is just not fair - I format the hard disk, re-install everything, and now there's this incredibly annoying worm that randomly shuts down windows and keeps most .exe files from working (they turn themselves off after a few seconds of being opened). And I can't fcking clean it out of this fcking computer, and now it's pissing me off. A LOT. Grrrr.
I might go to Brussels with my mum for two days next week... She's working there for two days, I haven't see Brussels in ages and I haven't got anything to do anyway. We're going to check whether I can get a cheap ticket tomorrow - if I can, I'll be gone on Monday and Tuesday! Should be nice, apparently there's a cool flea market and if it's sunny the centre is supposed to be relatively pretty. So yeah, let's hope so.
Apart from this... I've bought some sandals and t-shirts, and we've been to the theatre last night. We saw Brecht's The good soul of Sichuan (not sure it's translated like that in english though...), and it was amazing! With lots of artsy stuff and excellent actors, and it was very funny as well. The only problem was that it was 3+ hours long, but well. I truly enjoyed it.
Psychedelic Academy is on tonight. And I won't be there. Fcking depressing I'm telling you. And it's going to be even more fcking depressing when I start getting fcked up texts from Sophie and Paul. *sniff* Poor me.

Just called Sophie because apparently they're threatening us with legal action because we haven't paid our council tax. Ops. Come on guys, we're students! I mean, we don't have to pay it, so it's alright... I hope. Erm.
I'm at home in Paris... It's alright only because I entertained myself by formatting the hard disk on this computer and re-installing windows... My parents are already irritating me, but well. I guess I'll cope for three weeks. I haven't even missed smoking that much, which is amazing. Haven't had a cigarette in more than 24 hours now and I've only thought about it a couple of times. Very impressed with myself - means I'm not addicted! Bwahahah.
There are no limits to how much I love Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes. It's the best song in the world. There you go.
Oh, and thank you to everybody who commented to my last entry. A bit of a ego boost is always good... Very much appreciated guys! ;)