May 2004 Archives

So. My mum called me up this morning, and... Seems like I might be going to India on the 20th, coming back on the 30th. It slightly fucks up my plans but... I've been wanting to go to India for so long! And it would be with my aunt, going around and seeing places, sounds so good. At the beginning I didn't really know what to do, but... I wanna go. I really do. So I will.
I want to leave from here though, so that I can see my baby for a day before I get back to Paris... Wow. It's true, all the good things come at once. Eheheh.
India! India! Wow. *^^*

Listening to loads of music, it feels so good. Nice to have broadband again, well, to be able to use broadband again... Eheheh. :)
I'm at Jay's place again. Yesterday I went to the library, my card hadn't turned up so I got a new one... Bye bye to 7 quid! Did some work and got completely depressed because it's so fucking hard! Tried to do dual transition, but was too confusing, so now I am... Studying the theory of urban bias, and if you knew what it was, you would understand how fcking irritating it is. *lol* Anyway, spent some time in the library, and then went home. Carole was having a party at her house, so we went there (Jay came as well, which was nice). Everybody got very pissed, I didn't because someone stole my vodka... Erm. We were being sort of antisocial, for me it was mostly because I didn't know that many people there, and Jay was there so we were talking quite a lot (and taking the piss out of SOAS eurotrash, of which I'm obviously part). So, yeah, it was ok, and I even found a fiver on the floor when we left... *lol*
I'm so happy right now, you know. I feel so fulfilled, and everything I do feels good, and especially everything I do with Jay feels so good. So happy.
Tomorrow we should be going to Camden, nice! I haven't got much money at the moment, but I really feel like buying stuff... So we'll see. I want to get some nice bracelets and stuff too, maybe another wristband? Mmh. Luuurvely.

Tonight I woke up at 4.50, not sure if it was just random or because someone texted me (not Jay, sadly, lol, but someone asking to send them essays). And it was the most amazing thing ever. It was already light outside (maybe that's why I woke up), and I've never felt so awake in my whole life. The sky was a wonderful shade of pink fading into blue-ish (I'll post a picture later because it was amazing), and I felt so happy. Went to the toilet, got back in bed, and fell asleep again, immediately.
It was one of those moments that make me really appreciate life.

I've just lost my SOAS card, which is a fcking bitch. Means that as for now I can't borrow books (not until i find it again or I get a new one, which will cost me 7 quid), and it also means that my fcking concentration is gone because there is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, in the world that annoys me more than losing things. For this stuff I'm a control freak and I was so proud because I'm basically the only person I know who'd never lost her card, and now I have and grrr argh fck. >__<
I'm losing it completely. It just irritates me so much. And I can't go and ask at the desk again because I asked about 5 minutes ago and they no-one had brought it back... Now I'll also have to stay around for most of the afternoon because I want to see if it turns up.
On a more positive note, 20£ have magically appeared on my bank account. It's not the money my parents have sent me, but it's better than nothing. So I have 80£ left, and if I go and see my brother to get some money today or tomorrow I'll be fine. Hopefully.
Anger anger anger. I can't get over it. I need to do some work for fck's sake, and this is just so bad. Sniff. ;__;

i'm in deep jovanotti revival. maybe he's not the most amazing singer ever, but i do love his lyrics, so much. they're really true... if you know what i mean.
just got back from my third exam, south east asia on film. it went ok, as usual i answered one question very well, two well, and one shit. lol. this one only counts for 70%, which is good, because i did very well in my two essays, so i've already got 20% assured. i'm rather satisfied.
when i got out of the exam, i was really excited and quite happy with myself, so i just went and did something crazy, and bought this top, which costed me a little fortuna (at least for my standards). but i love it, and it makes me feel pretty. and i've just washed my hair, and i found the most amazing shampoo ever (some herbal essences stuff), that smells of roses and cute things. i love cute little smells like that.
waiting for jay to come over, as usual. i've missed him loads... *^^*

I'm feeling stressed, not because it's this specific exam, but just because it's an exam. I need to calm myself down, really. I get too stressed (stomach is going crazy, and stuff like that). But yeah, I should be fine, should be rather enjoyable actually. And this afternoon I'm seeing Jay... *^^* So, one more reason to do this, and do it well. Mmh. Yes yes.

So, I've been revising, and my next exam is already tomorrow, which is a shame, because I'm really enjoying (and the one after that, the last one, is scarily difficult). Reading about Vietnam war films and The Good Woman of Bangkok, Vietnamese, Thai and Singaporean cinema. Sooo good. I'm definitely doing Southeast Asian literature next year.
I've written what I think is the longest email of my life (3000 words), mostly revolving around love and relationships and sex, but also life in general. It was very good, made me think. And the reply was even better. Now I need to answer again, but I don't know if I will have time today (I need to do some revision, you know). But we'll see, I'll probably do it in the end, because it's truly enjoyable. I'd forgotten how refreshing it can be to write long emails. A lot more than to write long entries.
I've been organizing my music folder. Now I have discographies, album covers and years, etc. iTunes really is a great program (so I've said adieu to Winamp, which is sad, but let's face it, is not as good as it used to be)... I'm also going to take more advantage of Jay's broadband from now on, so I've put together a whole lot of lists of things I want to download... The Cure (finally following up on my dream of downloading every song they've ever made), Ash, Ben Harper, Prozac+, Morcheeba, Prodigy, Smashing Pumpkins, Doves, Garbage, Anouk, Alanis Morissette, Green Day, Jovanotti, Killing Heidi, No Doubt... I'm obviously not going to download all of this stuff, but it's a start, just to give me ideas of what I should start getting. Should be interesting, very interesting.
I'll probably go to Jay's tomorrow afternoon, after my exam, because I miss him way too much. I never thought I could miss someone so much, from three days of not seeing him... Still feels weird. I'm in love, I'm in a relationship. Me?!? *lol* Every time I think about it I realize how special it is. Also, on the subject of love, interesting post.
Off I go. Next film: The King and I.

Receiving an email from someone I really really love and miss. Seeing all the ways in which we can understand each other and interact... I already know it will take me a long time to reply and I will enjoy throughly because... It's as close as I can get to a conversation with her, until the next time we meet. I feel so lucky because I know such amazing people, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough for them, you know, too much luck.
Babes, I really love you.

I finally got a first... My second film essay, I got 70%! Shame it was two days late, so it's a 66% really, but still. I'm very proud. I went to my lecturer's office to get it, and she told me she was really impressed. Eheheh. Next year I wanna do more art-type kind of courses, I'll do Southeast Asian literatures in translation (with the same lecturer, she's wicked) and then... I might even do a second one? It's not that they're easier - I just enjoy them more, therefore I do better. We'll see.
Jay came over yesterday, so we resisted a whole 4 days without seeing each other, lol. I was so happy so so so happy when he told me he was coming to see me... We had a Chinese takeaway, watched some tv, talked and... *^^* He makes me do things I never thought I'd do. And I bloody enjoy it as well. This whole relationship is just... So good. I feel so alive.

I've been feeling like absolute shite since Tuesday night, not sure why... A mix of mental fatigue, hangover (Southern Comfort and lemonade is looovely), some sort of cold and fcking hayfever. My eyes are quite puffy, my throat hurts... It sucks, and I can't take antihistamines because they make me waaay too drowsy. I've got some homeopatic stuff I bought last year that I will try, but I don't remember it working very well and it's expensive. Grrr.
Yesterday I took a break because I was way too tired to do anything, but today I have to start again... Work work work! My next exam is Souhteast Asia on film, so it should be rather enjoyable to study for it. I might have to watch a couple of films again, which wouldn't be too bad. I am going to avoid Indonesian films, so I'll probably do Western films about Southeast Asia, Thai films, the Cambodian and Singaporean ones and maybe Vietnamese. Should be fun.
I miss my baby immensely and I'm not seeing him for another week. It sucks.

My exam went well, I was so lucky... The right questions came up, so! I'm relieved, very relieved.
Off to Brick Lane, because it's summer outside and it makes me so happy. Green trees, nice breeze, the sun and sunglasses. Little things that change life...

Got my Politics and Governments of South East Asia exam in the morning. I haven't revised enough, obviously, but enough to do well if the right questions come up... Hopefully they will! Think about me in the morning... Argh.
In my head I've got this confusion of... Chinese immigrants and Communist Parties and One-Party Democracy and Peasant Rebellions... Blah.

Is there a point to my act? I would say there is. I have to. The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.' And we... Kill those people. Ha ha ha. 'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it every time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all the money we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it on feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together , both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. (recorded live at the Dominion Theatre, London, November 1992)
Isn't he a genius? He inspires me so much, I can't believe how relevant the things he said 10+ years ago are to today's world. Lately I've been inspired, to change the way in which I think, to become more conscious. Between Bill Hicks and Jay (with his somewhat extremist ideas, lol), I want to think more. Understand and feel more.
Have been studying, waiting for The O.C. to start. I've read loads of stuff on Nationalism in Indonesia, Cronyism and Democracy in the Philippines, and the 'Chinese Question' in Indonesia and the Philippines. I wish I had more background knowledge on South East Asia, because some of this stuff is so interesting. I can't wait to go there. Can't believe my parents are in Cambodia RIGHT NOW. Argh. I wanna be there.
Jay came over last night, which was so lovely... My poor baby is ill, stupid cold (and I feel guilty because I'm not helping it). We ended up going to sleep so early, and sleeping for like 12 hours, which we both needed. Now I miss him already. Almost a month. I'm sooo-hooo in love. *^^*

the sun is up
i'm so happy i could scream!
and there's nowhere else in the world i'd rather be
than here with you
it's perfect
it's all i ever wanted
i almost can't believe that it's for real
i really don't think it gets any better than this
vanilla smile
and a gorgeous strawberry kiss!
birds sing we swing
clouds drift by and everything is like a dream
it's everything i wished
never guessed it got this good
wondered if it ever would
really didn't think it could
do it again?
i know we should!!!
the sun is up
i'm so fizzy i could burst!
you wet through and me headfirst
into this is perfect
it's all i ever wanted
ow! it feels so big it almost hurts!
never guessed it got this good
wondered if it ever would
really didn't think it could
do it some more?
i know we should!!!
say it will always be like this
the two of us together
it will always be like this
forever and ever and ever...
never guessed it got this good
wondered if it ever would
really didn't think it could
do it all the time?
i know that we should!!!
I've been thinking about this song the whole day. I only remembered some bits, but upon checking the lyrics on the internet... It's perfect. It's just how I feel. L'amour oh l'amour... Am I, like, turning completely silly? *lol*

I've just realized that I haven't been posting much lately. I'm a bad bad bad blogger, lol. It's just that I've been busy, and when I wasn't busy I was with Jay, and when I wasn't with Jay I was sleeping, because that guy is seriously killing me (in the last few years I've never ever gone to sleep earlier than 12 or 1, and now suddenly by 10 I'm in bed! *lol*). It's nice to feel busy, know that you've got stuff to do. Not even thinking about being bored. Is what I should be all the time, active, doing stuff... Thinking productively.
I'm in the library doing some work and waiting for Dulcie to turn up (need to get some essays for my next exam). All I want to do is to go outside and sit in the grass, but I know myself and I know that if I do I simply won't do any work, I'll just sit around and smoke and maybe fall asleep. The sudden appearance of green and sun has been some sort of a cultural shock. Stoke Newington is so lovely at the moment, I can't believe I'm moving out in less than a month. It's always like this, I don't even have time to get used to a place and already I need to leave... But we're hoping for the best for next year - apparently Harriet, Laurie and Dee are moving in with us, which means... Two more bedrooms, which means a nice big house! And rent is SO much cheaper for a 5 bedroom place, around 400 £ a week (right now we're in a two bedroom flat and it's 200 £! Doesn't make any sense). We've been looking at loot and stuff and there are loads of nice places, around Stoke Newington and even closer to Church Street, which would be lovely (it would also cut travel time to uni by 5-10 minutes at least). I can't wait for August to go flat hunting!
My wishlist for the house would be... Big double bedroom for myself (obviously), and then I don't care about the others (lol, biiitchy); nice big kitchen with dining area; two bathrooms (possibly with separate wc); garden. Shouldn't be too hard, hopefully. Then there are other things which would be nice... Dishwasher, wooden floors... But we'll see. I'm optimistic.
Meanwhile our landlady is already showing our flat to potential renters, which is... Depressing, really. And it also means I can't smoke in the flat (which was supposed to be non smoking, erm). The end of another era is coming... And the next one sounds even better.

Laughing at the fcking BNP people - and invented a slogan for them 'if you're not white, you're not right'. These people are terrible. Did you know black people should be sent back to their countries? And women should stay at home and look after the kids? It's so fcking ridiculous. Extremist parties just make me laugh.
Started watching Minority Report last night, and it's really good. Next time I go to Jay's I'll finish watching it... I still hate Tom Cruise, but the whole thing is... The perfect 3D extravaganza. *lol* Yes, my boyfriend is a computer animator, and I'm getting excited about 3D stuff. ;)
Got to do some work today, but I'm staying at home because... The sun is out and the idea of being in the library for hours depresses me. That library is awful - all the seats are quite far from the windows, and the lights are so bright and there are too many people and... Gaaah. I hate it. Anyway, I've got most of my readings here so I don't need to go. Yay!
Great, I need to pay 30 quid for my phone bill. And I thought I would spend less money during exams... Well, I was wrong! Sniff. Need to check it out though.
Jay slept here last night, which was so nice... I cooked him some pasta (*lol* I'm italian, don't you forget) and then we watched a bit of the film, and then... Just sat around and talked and... Did stuff. It's so nice to spend time with him, I never thought I could find someone like that... The other night we went out with his friends, to a student place, with 70p drinks - I ended up having about 10 or 11, I was so drunk! And it was lovely, we were dancing and talking and being silly... Jay told me that it 'clicked', all went into the right place. Like... He realized how much he loves me, and that made so happy I wanted to cry. I think I'm too lucky, really. But that's another story. And then this morning he was supposed to leave here at 9.30 and ended up leaving at 10.something, because of me. *lol* I miss him already.
Also, got my bag of condoms yesterday, bwahahah. 100 condoms for 15 quid, how good is that??? *lol* Sometimes I wish I hadn't stopped the pill, but I generally feel so much better that... No, I'm not taking it again. I'm trying everything but the pill. I've lost weight, I'm less irritable, I'm less hysterical, I've got less hair on my legs *lol*, I'm hornier, I'm just happier. It's wicked. Life rocks.

So, my first exam is done with. It went ah-okay, I answered the first question really well and then it went a bit downhill, but I'm confident. What really pisses me off is that I'll have to wait till August to the results! Argh. But I need to start thinking about the next exam now... Sniff.
After the exam I was shaking - don't know why but I had the biggest rush of adrenaline ever when I got out of the exam, I just wanted to scream. We ended up going to the pub after that (my local pub from last year which I hated, lol... They've changed it completely, weird) and shared a bottle of wine with Pooja... So I got kind of drunk, and after that we started smoking... *lol* I'm terrible. It was so nice though, sitting in the sun, on the grass, smoking away. It finally feels like summer, a bit. Which at the same time sucks because I've got exams! *lol* Then I got my fcking period and decided it was time to go home... I'm impressed, maybe I'm going to get my period regularly now (not every 4 months like when I was 13)? Would be nice, lol. I'd feel more relaxed, that's for sure.
I've been messing with my head again, being paranoid, I need to calm myself down, be careful not to ruin things... Maybe my attitude towards myself is negative, it's just that... I know myself. I can just build things up in my head, and then it all goes... Kabooom! And I don't want that to happen do I? Because I love my Jay. He's all mine and I'm not letting him go. *^^*

Exam in less than three hours. As usual I woke up two minutes before the alarm went off, by myself, which always stresses me because those are the longest two minutes of my life, every time.
I haven't studied as much as I should have, but well. I'm confident I'll do alright. I'm still re-reading stuff, which I shouldn't be doing, but... I have to! Need to cram in names to cite in the essays. Yes yes yes.
Can't wait for this thing to be over and start with the next one, which is going to be this afternoon. Baaah.

I keep feeling faint - it's been happening for the last couple of days, I just suddenly feel like I'm going to pass out or something. Kind of worrying, considering that I have an exam tomorrow?
Heeelp. I can't be ill right now. Fck fck fck.

I wrote this exactly a week ago, and I think it's time to post it. Some of it I put in a letter I gave to Jay, and... I don't know, just trying to explain how I feel. I apologize if my posts have been... Well, a bit monotonous, I haven't been talking about much else hey? But you have to understand, this is changing my life and I need to say it to the world.
You've turned my life around, in what, 10 days, and I still can't believe it. When I wake up in the morning you're already there in my thoughts, and you're there throughout the day, and when I go to sleep the only thing that is missing is your arm around me, and forgive me if I'm so fcking cheesy about it, but what can I do? If there is one thing I've learnt since I've moved here is that hiding your feelings is not worth it, and I feel like telling you everything, and I need to tell you that I love you.
Yes baby, I love you.
I love your smile. And your laugh.
I love how you look at me.
I love your hands. And the way they touch me.
I love how we have sex...
I love how you make me want to let you do everything to me.
I love how you make me feel satisfied and realized.
I love your nice green eyes.
I love it when you sing, because you have a fcking nice voice.
I love how you make me feel protected.
I love how you take the piss out of me.
I love the fact that you don't want to act tough in front of other people.
I love that I was trying to be careful not to rush things, but it just happened.
I love you because you destroyed all of my barriers and made me the happiest I've ever been.
I'm at home again, Jay is sleeping in my bed (he's so cute, he falls asleep in less than 10 seconds, like a kid, with a nice peaceful look) because... Let's say I've made him quite tired! I'm reading other people's essays about democratization, bla bla bla. About time I start revising seriously. Lucky this is my easiest exam... I'm already fearing the next one. Argh.
Drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette, I feel happy.

...Said I should update 'my silly website or whatever' so here I am. *lol* Spending a day locked in a room doing nothing with someone you love is wicked. Mmh. I feel very satisfied at the moment...
A piece of advice: going around in a car in an area you don't know at all (where the hell is Sidcup???) at midnight trying to find a Tesco that is open 24h so that you can buy condoms can be quite good fun, but you can get severely lost. I'm sure everybody has had this sort of adventure before... We ended up buying pizza, condoms, juice and kinder eggs. I love kinder eggs. My mum never used to buy them for me when I was a kid... But that's a different story. Byeeeeeee.

I'm waiting for my baby to come over. Haven't seen him for two days and it seems like a lifetime... Still not sure whether I'm going to his place tonight or not. I probably am... *lol*
Is it normal that I'm not worried about my first exam AT ALL? It's on monday morning, and I've only done one topic. The other two are essays I've done though... Yeah, by the way, got my second Development essay back (I was really worried about it, as it had to be moderated by my lecturer, which sounded weird) and it went well, a good 65%. So far this year (I only have to get one essay back) I got seven 2i and two 2ii (one of them was a 2i but became a 2ii because I handed it late). I'm quite happy about it - with a bit of luck this year I'll have three 2i and one 2ii (South East Asian politics, it's just too fucking hard). I ROCK. Bwahahah. Yeah, erm, anyway. I need to start planning my revision for the other exams, as they're a bit harder than this one... But life is too perfect right now for anything to screw up. Mmh. Or at least let's hope so???

So. I am in love. So in love I almost can't believe it. How quickly and suddenly it happened, just so unexpected. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my whole life... Meeting Jay was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is, seriously. Things are getting pretty serious, and... I don't feel scared. Maybe I should, who knows? But I don't. And that makes the whole thing better, because if it feels so right it can't fuck up. I do believe that. Jay is... He's amazing. We're on the same level, all the time, and he makes me so fcking happy. *^^*
I still need to realize that all this is happening. Wow.

Guess what? I did end up going out last night, it took my mates about 5 minutes to convince me... *lol* The night was wicked, very good djs both in the psy trance rooms and in the chill out room, and the decor was soooo nice (the last time I went to Mass it was horrible... erm). My night would have been absolutely perfect if Jay had been there - drugs, good psy trance and sex, all the things I love with someone I really really care about... I just wanted to tell everybody how fcking great Jay really is. He's going to be here in not so long and I can't wait. I've missed him.
Seeing Ryan and Dee was good as usual, because they're nutcases... It was nice to talk to them. I love those two guys. But the issue is more complex than this and I can't really explain here...
I've had about three hours of sleep since yesterday morning... And I feel incredibly good considering that. Mmh. Baby baby where are you?