June 2004 Archives

i'm back in delhi. was sick in jaipur (famous 'food poison' as they call it here), so i couldn't ride an elephant to go and see the amber fort. sniff. but at least i've lost weight? erm. i almost haven't eaten anything in the last three days because i feel constantly ill. horrible, but well, life goes on. i'm back to my sight-seeing and such, which is fun, despite the 35+ degrees outside... :)
going back, like coming here, will be a culture shock.

in jaipur! india is wicked, i'm having such a good time... everything is so colourful and wonderful. i've taken 160 pictures already... *lol* i'll say more when i get back...
comunicazione di servizio medusa e lucio, mi rimandate i vostri indirizzi a vanina_minako@yahoo.com? da brava cretina me li sono dimenticati... grazie!

i'm in paris, once again. left london with jay, and after having felt like crying for about two days i was unnaturally calm... or more... like numb. i can't believe i won't see my jay for two months, i can't and i don't wanna think about it. i just hope it goes quickly. apparently i'll also be back a couple of days before what i thought because my parents are going to london, by car, on the week of my birthday. so that would be good.
anyway, about india. i feel... not ready, not at all, mainly because i don't think i'll have fully grasped the idea that tomorrow night i'll be in new delhi. bloody hell. talk about scary. i need to start reading the guide, because i need to plan what i want to see and stuff... argh! the good thing is, my suitcase is half empty. i'm gonna buy loads of stuff there. bwahahah... XD
so, to make it short... i feel numb, not ready, a bit out of it and i miss my baby. but i'm still excited about going... i think.

in four days i'll be in india... in two days i'll be back in paris... without my baby, and it makes me so incredibly sad. i'll have to get used to not seeing him, and i know i'll cope (because i've done this before), but still... it's going to be so fcking hard. no waking up next to him, not being able to see his face and kiss him and talk to him and eat with him and have sex with him and hold him in my arms and laugh with him and be with him. i never thought... this could happen to me again, i've been too lucky in my life, and maybe that's why i'll have to spend these two months (two months, sixty days, way too long) without him. like some punishment because i've been too lucky. and i know that after india, i'll miss him even more. india is going to be exciting, and good, but after that? until i go and see jana in croatia it'll be so... heartbreaking, being on my own. and i will enjoy having three weeks with nothing to do... actually, i'm lying, i'll be fine the first three days, sitting by the pool, reading, soaking up the tuscan sun, but after that? and sure, we'll have emails and phone calls, at least something... i don't know. i'm feeling so sad right now. i can't wait until jay gets home from uni, because i need to touch him and feel that he's real, i need him to tell me that we'll be fine. that when we'll see each other again in august we'll be even more in love. i know that for the next two months, my dreams are going to fill up with his image... i'll start imagining how it will be when he comes and pick me up from the station, what i'll say and how i'll feel.
the other day we watched pulp fiction, so i've finally seen it. and it's fcking good, i'm starting to like tarantino more and more. so i bought reservoir dogs on dvd for my baby, and we'll watch it today or tomorrow. i need to expand my film culture, really. i'm watching the doors right now (stopped for five minutes because it's kind of intense), and i still can't decide whether i like oliver stone or not. i liked platoon, bourn on the fourth of july and heaven & earth, and i like the doors so far. but... mmh. i can't point out what's wrong. i'm not sure.
reading more toby litt, corpsing is sooo good! i can't stop reading it, i've given up on all the other books i was reading. i'll definitely have read all of his books before i have to give them to jana darling.
i'm thinking about writing a letter for my baby, to give him before i leave. but i don't know, it could be too sad, too depressing... i love him so much. i can see myself with him... for a very long time... to say the least. i got to the point where i don't even know if 'i love you' can express everything i feel, you know.
depressing post hey? sorry guys. i'm just in a weird mood.

It's so nice not to have anything to do at all. Visa is done, flat is gone, I'm just here at Jay's house chilling out and chilling out some more. We went out with my friends on friday night which was nice, got very pissed, Jay almost broke his knee (muuuppet), etc. etc. Fred was being very nice to me, and told me he's never seen me look so beautiful. *ego boost* It was lovely, and Jay (after moaning because he didn't wanna go) really enjoyed himself. Eheheh. My friends are great. I think Kunal really loved him. *lol*
I've finally found some antihistamines that don't make me completely drowsy and zombie-like! Yuuuhuuu! Clarytin rocks. Yes yes. Now even hayfever is gone... XD
Anyway, Kirsty is leaving on wednesday so I'm meeting up with her tomorrow (some more trains, great - don't get me wrong, living in zone 4 isn't that bad, it just takes a lot of effort to get into central London). We'll see what we're gonna do. Should be nice, the weather has been lovely, really makes me regret I have to leave in a week's time. For once, I've got nice weather in England, a boyfriend, and nothing to worry about, and I have to leave. My luck.
So, what's the point of this post? I'm not sure, not much is happening right now, I'm just... Enjoying what I've got, for once, and not worrying about it too much. And now I'll go and sit outside (I finally can, fck you you damn pollen!) with Jay and his friends. I feel very loved up, so kisses to everybody...
Yeah, non ho idea di chi tu sia, cmq, Jay e' il mio ragazzo se proprio ti interessa (e se non si capiva da quanto ho scritto su di lui negli ultimi due mesi).

So, all of my stuff is in storage, I'm staying at Jay's house at the moment. Today I'll go back to the flat for the last time. I also have to pick up my visa...
Hayfever is horrible right now, and I do really feel like shit. That and something else I'm worrying about are bringing my mood down, but... I'm still very happy to be here, and I've been sleeping so well next to Jay, all cuddled up. *^^*
You know what? Living in zone 4 sucks. Damn trains.

i'm about to cancel the internet account i've got here. everything is packed, the bathroom and kitchen still need to be cleaned, but i'll do that another day. tomorrow, all of my stuff will be gone into storage or jay's house.
this is so fcking sad. adieu my little flat, i've loved you loads.

my room is almost completely packed. i've only got some stuff left in the kitchen, and after that... this flat is not going to be ours anymore. by friday, we'll be gone forever. another year of my life gone... and i don't know if i should be nostalgic about the past or looking forward to the future, so i always end up doing both, and my mood is a mixture of happiness and sadness. it's like... moving out of my first flat ever which i love to bits, but moving in with my boyfriend whom i love to death. weird ah?

My last exam went... Ok, I answered the questions, not very well, but at least I answered them. I'm quite satisfied, and now I can't believe I'm free free free for three months. This year has gone so fast, even faster than last year, in less than a week I'll be out of my flat, in less than 20 days I'll be in India... It all feels like a dream, life slipping through my fingers again, but this time it's only because so many things are happening, and I'm so happy.
Last night I was closing the window before going to sleep, and I remembered when back... At the end of last year, I used to sit in front of that window, smoking and crying, thinking and feeling nostalgic about I don't know exactly what. And I realized that I stopped doing it, at some point, and I don't know when it happened... No matter what, going through that rough patch, feeling down for six months, now I can see the positive things, and what's important is that now I feel stronger, much stronger than what I was last year. Jay made me the best compliment ever... He said that I really have my head screwed on, that I'm good because I can see the positive outcomes of all of my experiences, and I forget about the negative ones. I guess it's true, and I never knew it was a good thing. It just made me feel so good about myself, because in the end, I always have doubts about myself, and I always think that I'm so weak. Well, maybe I'm not.
Right now I just... Feel happy, about myself, the past and the present. I'm here, I have more than what I need, I feel lucky and at the same time I think I have what I deserve, because I'm a nice human being. If that makes any sense?
I ended up not going to the embassy today, I felt too tired this morning (I felt so dizzy and knackered last night, I didn't even have the energy to get pissed, lol), and I was with my baby, so. Now I'm at his place, I need to start cancelling water/electricity/phone/etc. and I need to get some food. Guess what? I'll get pringles. Bwahahah. I'm obsessed with pringles. XD
Welcome back, darling. :*

My fourth and last exam is this afternoon. Plan for afterwards: go into the bar and possibly get drunk, because I bloody need it. Jay will be in central London this afternoon, drawing jazz dancers, so he might join me, in which case I'll go back to his place and then... Go to the Indian embassy tomorrow, come back here, cancel all the stuff I need to cancel (water, electricity, gas, phone, internet), sort out storage. It will be a busy day, I can tell you that. Argh. I also need to get some passport size photos done (writing it down so that I remember). All this is very stressful but nice at the same time.
Also, I've found out Jay is keeping his room for the summer, which means... I can come back whenever, and I'll have a place to stay. Me is already planning a cheap Ryanair flight from somewhere at some point during July! Eheheh.
Can't wait for the week-end and the outdoor rave on Saturday, I'm telling ya.

I'vve bought my ticket for india. Leaving from Paris on the 21st of June and coming back on the 2nd of July. Need to sort out visa. This is so... Scary? Fck!

My exam is tomorrow, I'm starting to feel stressed (my stomach is playing tricks on me), I'm really not doing enough. I've ended up only studying three topics (which is not a lot really), of which I've only done one and a half at the moment. Today is going to be... Intensive studying!
I found an areoflot flight for 360 £, which would be so good (stopover in Moscow = vodka and cigarettes), but aunt can't decide whether she wants me to go or not, or better, she's told me to wait until thursday or friday. Well, I don't really mind (because she's paying part of the ticket, basically if it goes over 500 euros), but still. I need to sort out the visa and stuff, and apparently it takes quite a while for people not resident in the UK. But I'll go to the embassy or whatever it is myself, so it shouldn't take too long. Hopefully. Apart from that, my mum will send me a guide and I also need to buy a bigger memory card for my camera (I'm not bringing my laptop with me, so I need at least 64 megs or something). Luckily they're quite cheap, but between that and the visa it's going to come up to 60-80 quid meaning... Need to get money off parents. Erm. I really exploit them.
Now I feel guilty about buying my new Miss Sixty jeans for a ridiculous price (don't ask because I won't tell you, just know I've never spent so much money on one pair of jeans, but they're like perfect, what I'd be looking for for ages). They're lovely though. Low waist, tight on the waist with a lovely zip, but then quite baggy, with pockets on the legs and stuff. They're extremely long, I'll need to find some safety pins somewhere but... They're perfect. I love them. I also bought two green tops because green is my favourite colour at the moment... Basically, I've been spending too much money. But it's the summer and I'm happy, so I don't care.
I also need to start organizing my storage and things. That I'll do on thursday, go and check out the place, find out how much space I need, etc. Hopefully I'll pack and move everything on monday/tuesday. It makes me incredibly sad to move out, but at the same time it means I'm moving into Jay's room which is... A lovely idea, I just can't wait to wake up every morning next to him, and seeing him every single day. By the way, I'm getting tired of my brother reading this and then telling my parents about it. Having my mum telling me 'oh, your brother said that you write lots of 'things' about your new boyfriend on your blog' is extremely irritating. This is my business, and I don't necessarily want my parents or my family in general to know about it, especially when it comes to my relationships and my sex life. That's why I've got a disclaimer up there, you know? So please leave me alone.
I'm in a complete frenzy. Can't wait for those 10 or so days when I'll have nothing to do, because after that... It's going to be continuous travelling for about three weeks. Which is not a negative thing, no, but is going to be kind of stressful.
By the way, if you want me to send you a postcard from India, email me your address and I'll see what I can do.
Back to work, fcking Bates and dual transition and corruption and democratization. I'm almost giving up on this exam, I really am.