in four days i'll be in india... in two days i'll be back in paris... without my baby, and it makes me so incredibly sad. i'll have to get used to not seeing him, and i know i'll cope (because i've done this before), but still... it's going to be so fcking hard. no waking up next to him, not being able to see his face and kiss him and talk to him and eat with him and have sex with him and hold him in my arms and laugh with him and be with him. i never thought... this could happen to me again, i've been too lucky in my life, and maybe that's why i'll have to spend these two months (two months, sixty days, way too long) without him. like some punishment because i've been too lucky. and i know that after india, i'll miss him even more. india is going to be exciting, and good, but after that? until i go and see jana in croatia it'll be so... heartbreaking, being on my own. and i will enjoy having three weeks with nothing to do... actually, i'm lying, i'll be fine the first three days, sitting by the pool, reading, soaking up the tuscan sun, but after that? and sure, we'll have emails and phone calls, at least something... i don't know. i'm feeling so sad right now. i can't wait until jay gets home from uni, because i need to touch him and feel that he's real, i need him to tell me that we'll be fine. that when we'll see each other again in august we'll be even more in love. i know that for the next two months, my dreams are going to fill up with his image... i'll start imagining how it will be when he comes and pick me up from the station, what i'll say and how i'll feel.
the other day we watched pulp fiction, so i've finally seen it. and it's fcking good, i'm starting to like tarantino more and more. so i bought reservoir dogs on dvd for my baby, and we'll watch it today or tomorrow. i need to expand my film culture, really. i'm watching the doors right now (stopped for five minutes because it's kind of intense), and i still can't decide whether i like oliver stone or not. i liked platoon, bourn on the fourth of july and heaven & earth, and i like the doors so far. but... mmh. i can't point out what's wrong. i'm not sure.
reading more toby litt, corpsing is sooo good! i can't stop reading it, i've given up on all the other books i was reading. i'll definitely have read all of his books before i have to give them to jana darling.
i'm thinking about writing a letter for my baby, to give him before i leave. but i don't know, it could be too sad, too depressing... i love him so much. i can see myself with him... for a very long time... to say the least. i got to the point where i don't even know if 'i love you' can express everything i feel, you know.
depressing post hey? sorry guys. i'm just in a weird mood.