July 2004 Archives

for once i've come up here to town earlish in the morning... it's empty compared to the nights, when everybody is on the square getting pissed on bambus... feels so nice, small streets, fresh breeze, coffee and cigarettes. it makes me feel free.
i've seen so many films i've lost count. the biggest disappointment? AE fond kiss, which was extremely superficial, with most actors being blah and no psychological depth at all. by the way, i'm extremely pissed off because i've just seen gary lewis (gangs of new york, billy elliott, he's got the most amazing scottish accent XD) and i did't even say hello to him! stupid me. anyway. as for now i'd say the best film i saw was niceland, so poetic and nice. but when i get back i'll write a proper list of all the films i've seen together with what i thought of them.
what really impressed me are the short films; they show them before the 'long' films, and we've seen a few extremely good ones. makes me intellectual and informed.
six days, god, am i counting! six days is nothing right? i have to confess; if up to now i've been thinking about jay a lot, now it's an obsession. everything i do, i just think... what would he say? it's weird. i've never been in love like this before.
tonight: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. and this afternoon, hungarian film (kontroll), all filmed in the metro. sounds weird enough. who knows what film will win? i'm hoping for niceland, really (which also made me cry, and so did japanese story, but in comparison it was shit).
now i only need to find a phonebox and call my baby. oh yes. because i'm a silly girl in love.

i just got the best email in the whole world; and i feel so lucky that i found someone who can make me feel so special, put a smile on my face just with a few words. and god, do i want to be there with him, make him feel as loved as i do, just give him everything i've got.
one week left (sorry jana-babe for saying it again). it's probably going to be the longest week of my life; and i just want it to go quickly! which doesn't mean that i don't love it here and i'm not enjoying myself, but...
i need to sleep in the same bed as him, be with him. it's been 5 weeks since i left london and i've been counting the days, the hours...
sometimes i don't feel like i deserve him; at the same time, this is the most grown up relationship i've ever been in, and i really do feel like we're equals, we feel the same, we're honest with each other.
it's just the best.

still in motovun, watching more films. prozac nation was great; i need to read the book. i'm making a list of... magazines & books i need to read, music i have to download, croatian words i've learnt, etc. lists are fun.
ana, whom i met through this very blog, came here today to see us with her boyfriend (and she's told me to write a new entry, so here i am). oh such wonderful people! ana is lovely and pretty and so so so nice! and she gave me the most beautiful necklace (croatian people can make so many things, it's great to find a country where everybody is so skilled in making stuff. need to learn from them) and she lets me smoke her marlboro lights and she likes psy trance! *^^* as most croatian people, her english is so good; i'm just so impressed every time i come here. ana is perfect. croatia is the best. i think i should learn croatian and become croatian (!?!). i'd become a better person (!?!)
as usual, we've been talking and smoking and drinking coffee; it's just the perfect summer holiday (apart from having to walk up the hill every day, argh)... but talking seriously; i feel so lucky to be here and be able to see all these people. because this place seems to have the highest concentration of young, talended, intelligent, interesting, but most of all lovely people in the world. and i just want to come back here again and again. and i think i will. eheheh. *^^*
my list of people i've met through the internet is getting longer and longer (and better and better). aaah. gives me a lot of satisfaction. and i feel cosmopolitan, or better... part of the world. meh.
oooh, what a happy life...

we're here. watching films... i still haven't decided properly which ones i'm gonna see, but for sure... prozac nation, super size me, niceland, japanese story, ae fond kiss, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind... so much stuff! i'd like to see some non-american/english films as well, i'm just hoping they'll be subtitled in english.
we've just come out of the cinema; the saddest music in the world. extremely good film, weird enough, very witty/ironic, slightly political, takes the piss out of a lot of things. good. the only shame was the freezing cold a/c straight on my arm! *lol* but well. can't have everything.
we're camping just down from motovun, in this very packed camp site. lots of people are here to see the films; last night there were people playing bongos, guitars, singing, the usual. it reminded me of that outdoor rave i went to in june... long time ago! anyway, we ended up not sleeping in the tent because some friends of jana's who live not far from here invited us to their place, so i passed out on a sofa. *lol* so. good times.
lots of sun, cheap croatian cigarettes, homemade wine, bread & marmalade, strawberry icecream, films, conversations, sexual frustrations... so many intellectual things i feel overwhelmed!!! eheheh. having fun. lots of fun.
10 days and i'll be back with my baby. can't wait.

in croatia. crazy things as usual. so much fun and so many cigarettes and so many conversations and so much sun and so much sexual frustration.
in rijeka at the moment; going to istra tomorrow for a film festival; will be camping.
as i said, crazy things.

i'm off to croatia! see you in a while!

nothing much is happening. my plans for croatia are almost finalized. i'll be leaving on monday, spending the whole day on the train, and in the evening i'll be in rijeka. hopefully.
going to florence on sunday. meh. hope it's not gonna be too hot.
in exactly a month i'll say goodbye to teenagerhood forever. the thought scares the hell out of me. sniff.
i'm waiting for life to start again... on monday night. after that, it's all gonna be a whirlwind of excitement and activity... *lol*

jc, who are you? what are you talking about? weird comment... please tell me, i'm curious!
my days are so uneventful that i'm almost shocked. i sit around, read, send emails, update blog&lj, miss jay. and that's about it. oh, and sleep and eat (but since i've been ill in india i eat a lot less, quite nice)... i don't even use the swimming pool or suntan because it's so damn cold (well, not that cold, but under 25 degrees, and it's always windy here, so i can't really go around in my bikini). suuucks.
need to buy a phonecard to call london. today, maybe, i'll finally get back to civilization for a while (going down to the nearest village), so at least i can do that. and maybe find some manga/comics... mmh. bored bored bored.
i feel so frustrated that sometimes, especially after i've spoken to jay, i just want to cry. and it's not that i don't like it here, but... this continuous urgency i feel to touch him and talk to him and see him and be with him... going insane. @__@
i've decided i like camels. not camels light, camels. i might start smoking them instead of marlboro lights... lol. what a huge decision to take hey?

the little blackbird we found in the garden a couple of days ago has died this morning. like his mum, he just died, and we're not sure whether it was our fault (not enough food? or the wrong type of food?) or not.
i know that at some point tonight, i woke up and i knew it'd happened. then i went back to sleep thinking it was nothing.
i'm gonna miss him.

R.I.P. blackie

i've just finished my fifth book since i got here. five books in a week. i've never read so quickly in my whole life. lack of alternatives...
today it has started; my parents yelling at me and telling me i should be nicer to them and even if i'm bored i have no right no act like this (act how??? sorry i dare to disagree with you on some useless subject)... but i don't wanna think about it, talk about it. i can bet you that within the week we'll have the first big row. i SO cannot be bothered with this.
bought camels and tobacco because the only thing that keeps me sane are the few cigarettes i can smoke when they're not bugging me.
for the first time EVER, my mobile works in my room. sadly though i can only send texts... spent an agonizing half hour yesterday trying to call my baby, but nothing...
in the end, what drives me insane is the lack of communication. the phone is in the living room which is in a separate building from my room altogether, so there goes the internet. and having just texts isn't exactly what i'd call being connected to the world. bollocks. i can't be bothered, not for another month, not for another two weeks, not for another fcking day. someone please make me sleep until the 5th of august.

so. today i had my first bath in the swimming pool. you would think, it's tuscany, it's hot, there's a swimming pool, i'd be in there 24/7. but nah, i can't be bothered. and the water is still green, therefore not that inviting.
i've been sorting out my mum's english books... so much fun! there's so much stuff i could read. i've started building up a mini-collection of books to read in my room. mostly classics... i've started the bell jar and the new banana yoshimoto, and after that... harper lee, kundera, salinger, faulkner... lots of stuff. i love books. when i grow up i want a house with a room just for books, with the walls covered with books and books all over the floor and just a cute armchair with a cute art nouveau lamp in a corner. and big windows and london outside. *daydreaming*
daydreaming is becoming a big part of my life again. i feel like... life has stopped, you know. nothing is happening, nothing at all. i just go on, eating, sleeping, reading, talking to my parents. and nothing else. too much time on my hands.
i've been talking to my baby regularly, but it's all so frustrating... i wish i was there, all i want is to be there. it's psychologically, physically, sexually frustrating, or frustrating full stop. my ticket has been bought, 5th of august. a bit less than a month, 28 days to be precise. i'm counting.

not that i expected it to be any different, but i passed all of my exams. thanks tom for checking that. *lol* actually, maybe that's just passed as passed the year? anyway, until i get my proper results (they should send them out around the 23rd of july, but i won't get them for a while because i won't be in paris...) i don't really have to worry. exams seem so far away in time now... just a month ago. but they're finished and done with, i can't really change it now, so no need to worry. (yeah, i'm trying to stay positive)
my mood has ever so slightly improved from yesterday and especially the day before. jet-lag is still fcking with me (you would think, with only a three hour difference, it wouldn't be much of a problem, but nooo), but i'm getting myself together now. the next two weeks will be... pampering. i want to take care of myself, get a nice tan, sleep sleep sleep and in general just relax. i'm lucky that i can do it (if i think about my poor baby, he'll have to work nights the whole summer...), so i should take advantage.
my plans for the rest of the summer have, once again, changed... now it goes as follows: stay here for a couple of weeks (until the 20th or so), get a train up to trieste and join jana-babe in croatia, together with all those other crazy people, go around for a couple of weeks, come back here on the 2nd or 3rd, get a plane back to london on the 5th. the good thing is, i would be spending my birthday in london and i can get a job (finally), before i actually turn 20. the bad thing is, i won't be seeing jay that much (he'll be working like mad up in harlow) and i will HAVE TO get a job (lol). but i'm up for new experiences, so. should be fine. my parents will also come to england around the 17th, so i'll be able to celebrate my birthday with them at some point. sounds good hey?
quindi, medusina, io sono qua fino al 20. o giu' di li'. :)
i'm amazed. yesterday i used msn from here for the first time. this dial-up thing is not as shitty as i thought it was... *lol*

i'm still feeling very confused and ill and jet-lagged. i don't know. i just don't feel well.
i'm in italy at the mo, tuscany to be more precise. the house looks beautiful, as usual, the garden is full of flowers, but i can't enjoy it. i don't know why i feel completely and utterly unhappy.
more blogging when i feel better. if i ever will.

i've just realized, it's the third of july. it's already been a month since i've finished my exams, so long! time really is going so quickly. i think i'll wake up one day and realize i'm 30 and i won't know where the last 10 years of my life went. it's a very scary thought.
we're finished packing here, because, yes, i'm going somewhere else again. got back from india yesterday and i've got the plane for rome tonight. we won't get to the house until 2 or 3, sounds tiring enough... argh. i really can't be bothered. especially when the only thing i wanna do is get my suitcase and instead of going to stupid beauvais airport go to my dear gare du nord and hop on a eurostar. would be so nice. i need to stop obsessing about this thing, that i could be there and see him so quickly. it's silly. it doesn't do me any good. come on, one more month or so, and i'll be there for the rest of the year, ages, future unknown and vague, just lots of time in london. i can't wait...
my mum has given the necessary amount of money to one of her collegues who's going to the states to buy me an ipod. a 40 gb one (it costs about 150 euros less over there, how ridiculous is that?). she's getting back on the 10th of august, and my parents are coming to england on the 17th or so... in 6-7 weeks i'll also be the proud owner of an ipod. bwahahah. life is going to be perfect... and then i'll find some shitty job and finally have some money to go shopping. sounds niiice. let's see if it actually happens... ;)
28 degrees or around that in tuscany and umbria. lovely... for me, as long as it's under 35, it's perfect... *lol*

i'm home, finally. in paris. the trip was ok, tiring but not too much. landed at 6 this morning, and at 8.30 i was at my ginaecologist's office (after having had a nice bath because i kind of smelled, lol).
paris is so lovely and fresh. i know, i know, i should be talking about india, saying things, but right now i'm collapsing. for me it's 10pm but here it's only 6pm, i want to sleep, i know i shouldn't, but i think i need a nap. just 30 minutes.
the idea of being 4 hours away from jay and not being able to see him, and having to leave tomorrow, drives me nuts. i just wanna chill with my baby. blah blah blah.