August 2004 Archives

my phone bill this month is gonna be so huge it's not even funny. and i will have so little money left i want to cry.
NEED JOB. i'm dropping off my cv at waterstone's tomorrow, and then i'll be actively looking for something. i HAVE TO. this is just so fcked up. i'm so fcked up. i'd been doing so well for two years... ah bollocks.

i need to give medals to a few people... you, you and you. eheheh. does a virtual one count? lol. don't even know how i'd make that. ;p
so, guess what? the first flat was THE ONE. it's perfect. ♥ the only downside... it's 20 £ a week more than what we thought it was (stupid landlord put 200 £ a week in the ad, but then decided it wanted 220 because he's just done it up). but in theory that's not a problem because i can pay the same as last year and sophie & paul together can pay a bit more (and get the bigger bedroom). when we went in they were still painting the walls, and the floor has to go in (wooden floor ♥), and they have to put furniture in and all, but... it's perfect. the rooms are huge (bigger than my room last year), so i'll finally have desk & computer in my bedroom, nice living room, big kitchen, and it's on the third floor so we get lots of light in. the building itself is a nice victorian house, with another three flats. really nice, quiet street, finsbury park is literally three minutes away. it's gorgeous.
we have been looking at other places as well (we had to, come on, can't just take the first one that comes along), but none of them compared. there was a really nice one, about 5 minutes away from where we lived last year, and it was nice, but... we just fell in love with the first one. still, we're looking at more places tomorrow (my feet are crying and falling off). today i think we've seen six (three nice ones, the other ones... blah), tomorrow another 4 or 5 or whatever comes up in loot. talk about a flat hunting machine.
i'm dead. i'm just so dead. i wish i could cuddle up with my baby and tell him everything but nope, he's in harlow and i'm here. sucks.

me and soph are a flat hunting machine. we've already got like 5 or 6 appointments to see places today... ♥ let's hope we'll be lucky!!! bwahahah. this is gonna be fun... hopefully we'll find somewhere fairly soon though. mmh. wooden floors! and big windows! and nice bedrooms! oh i'm so excited. i love getting a new place and the fact that this time i'm involved in the process as well. absolutely rocks. ♥
waiting for an estate agent to call me back and then i can have a shower and go out to buy loot again... so muuuch fun. XD
(i'm sure that by the end of the day i'll hate it all though. we'll be running back and forth from hackney to stoke newington to stamford hill to manor house to finsbury park the whole day... erm)

i was supposed to go to bed ages ago, i was feeling like shit, but an episode of friends later, i'm still here (friends is growing back on me; i've been watching it loads again).
i had an extremely long, quite upsetting, very difficult conversation with jay earlier. about the past, specifically, past relationships. it was... good, because by telling him all the truth, i've been telling myself the truth, realizing things i'd never really thought about... things i'd tried to avoid thinking about. there were things he wasn't sure about, and we discussed them together; it wasn't an argument at all, we just got upset in turns (lol), but it was always very... grown up, which is what this relationship feels like more and more. the fact is, this is grown up because we are; my only other important relationship happened at a time when i was still growing up, changing, you know. now... we're both who we are, and that's why we're together. and that's why i think this could last for a very long time.
but let's talk about other stuff. jay's birthday! so, i went up to harlow (where his parents live) on wednesday night (and it took me so long, god, stupid trains were late and as usual the central line was all fcked up and full of sweaty people, i spent 20 minutes with my face in some chinese guy's smelly armpit), and we went to the pub with some of his mates and his brother and so on. it was fun, we were talking bollocks most of the time (at one point there were at least four people, including myself, crying because they were laughing too hard). had lots of malibu&coke, but jay had even more beer. we then went to the only place in harlow that is open after 11... OH MY GOD. jumping jacks, it was sooo weird. now, you have to know, harlow is in essex. essex is famous for its boys & girls. in two words: rich & slutty. i've never seen so many people being drunk on a wednesday night, not even in london in the ucl union bar... *lol* so we were dancing around and stuff, and everybody was buying jay drinks... he had beer, beer, beer, beer, triple shot of whiskey, beer, beer, smoothie (a weird vodka&milk mix), etc. he was sooo drunk when we got out of there! got home, his parents were taking the piss out of him... to make a long story short, he spent 5 hours in the toilet throwing up (and the day after his sister cleaned up, that's sisterly love for you, i wouldn't have done it! lol). while i was waiting in the living room with a duvet and my ipod (and i burnt my finger with a cigarette, sniff). so on his birthday he spent a good part of the day in bed while i talked to his mum. :)
NOW. jay's mum is so cool. jay's dad is so cool. his brother and his sister are so cool. and i think they really do like me, and it's so great. so apparently now i can go up there whenever i want, they've got no problem with it. YAY! so i might be going tomorrow, because i miss him so much. it's frustrating.
anyway, overall, it was lovely to be there. i had so much fun. everybody was so crazy and nice and funny. i just laughed loads... and if you know me you know i love laughing.
i love the postal service. give up is such a good album. now i need to get more blonde redhead. and so much more! ok, so, for indie stuff soulseek is the perfect p2p program, but what about mainstream stuff? on kazaa every fcking file is corrupted! suggestions anyone?
if you got to the end of this post, you really deserve a medal. :)

don't really feel like writing. i just want to say that i'm alive.
i'm just very much in love and i wish i was up there in harlow tonight... not just because i miss jay but also because i really really really like his family. they're so cool.
downloading too much music. i need to listen to it.

i've been converted. indie stuff rocks. i've spent the day downloading music and looking at this website, and wow, there's so much stuff i want to download. all sorts of things really, not just indie... blonde redhead, floraline, the postal service, xiu xiu, the smiths, scissor sisters, frou frou, stereolab, franz ferdinand; some of the stuff i've downloaded today. and so much more i'll download tomorrow! death cab for cutie, the strokes, del rey, pj harvey, yeah yeah yeahs, things i'd been meaning to download for months. so much fun.
so suddenly my ipod is filling up... started with 1100 songs, now i've got 1500. bwahahah. i feel like the world is in my hands. for the moment, floraline's my favourite. just the way HAS to be the best song ever (thank you jana-babe, for all the great suggestions). this is great. do i love broadband, lol. and soulseek is absolutely great, so much better than all that kazaa bollocks.
anyway. apart from downloading music, i haven't done anything... just sitting around, reading... and that's it. tomorrow night i'm going up to harlow, because it's jay's birthday on thursday; i'll spend it with him, and am coming back here on friday. should be nice, seeing his family again (they're wicked, they really are). i need to think of a present though. i don't really know what to do, he says he doesn't want anything, but still? i already know i'll write him a letter and a nice hand made card... after that we'll see. the fact that i'm kind of broke doesn't help, obviously.
lalala. and now i'm gonna get into bed with my book (drop city by t.c. boyle, extremely good) and my ipod and stay up until some ridiculous hour reading. nice.

woke up in the worse mood ever. and if this is not pms i don't know what the hell it is. my head feels light and confused, my back hurts, it's cold, it's raining, i have stuff to do but i don't want to do it. i wish jay didn't have that stupid stupid stupid job and could be here with me. i feel lonely etc. etc. etc. and as usual i hate it when i'm like this, because i'm so bad for myself. there's no fcking way i'm going into central london with this weather. i don't even have an umbrella. so it means i'll spend the day inside doing fckall... i could download some music, something i've been meaning to do for a while, and i should scan my pictures... but i'll end up sitting in front of the tv or something. the first thing i'll do, or better, the first thing i won't do is take a shower. on days like this i know i should just take it easy, so i'll just sit around in my pjs. fck it. i don't care. i'm in a bad mood.

i just got two very sweet emails, lorke & my own personal stalker (apparently). you know, those emails that really make you smile when you read them at night, after you've just come home. it's nice.
today was lovely; went to oxfordshire with my parents, saw two beautiful gardens, then went to see some of their friends who i hadn't seen since i was... 9? 10? so it was really weird. the last time i saw that cottage it looked huge, and now it's just a normal cottage. it's the sort of things that makes you wonder about your position in space, your place, stuff like that. at one point i was sitting in the car and started to have one of those weird moments when you think... what would the world look like if the car was going in the opposite direction? what would it look like if i was facing the other way? a truly bizarre moment.
i really want to see jay; i miss him so much just because sleeping without him next to me doesn't even feel like sleeping anymore. it doesn't make sense, you know. one of the reasons why i know this is true love... lol. oh. i'm being cheesy again.

today i've been a complete nutcase. got very pissed off with jay for very stupid reasons, screamed, etc. i can just hope it's damn pms, because this period has made me wait for way too long (and no, i'm not pregnant).
i've been playing with my ipod lots. also, i've found out i can get the usb 2 card i need (i only have one usb 1 port at the moment) and a charger with an english plug for the ipod from ebay, for like one third of the normal price. so i'm gonna start with ebay as well... i'd managed to stay out of that whole thing for so long. lol. oh well.
going with my parents to oxford tomorrow. should be nice. kekeke. but i have to get a train from here at 7.43. argh. too early for me.
think we're gonna go to the cinema tonight, to see i, robot (i wanted to see farenhait 9/11 but the others aren't too convinced, and we can't see the bourne supremacy because i fancy matt damon... long story). exactly four months after meeting for the first time to see kill bill vol. 2 with jay, we're going to the cinema again. :)

that my new ipod ROCKS, it's so damn sexy. wow. even though i have an american charger and need to buy an english one and even though i only have usb 1 so it took me about 4 hours to upload all of my songs on it. i just love it. i think tomorrow i'm just going to walk around mottingham so that i can carry with me in my pocket and love it. bwahahah. i'm going crazy.
the day with the parents went so well; we saw 4 different exhibitions, had lunch at tate modern, got the boat from tate modern to tate britain, talked lots. it was nice and relaxed. which is what i missed in our relationship (well, what i've been missing for the last few months). i bought loads of badges (the ones from tate britain i'd lost, masterpiece, oil painting, etc. and a couple from the hopper exhibition, one which says 'hip hopper' XD) and postcards (10 or 11, i can't remember). it was such a nice day. and i'm seeing my baby tomorrow so i'm happy.
and i got a monthly travelcard, with an oyster card, zones 1 to 4, so i'm sorted for the next month! which rocks. i can go around london and not spend any money. kekeke.
i need to eat my chocolate cake. it makes me feel guilty (65 kg for the first time in like... more than 5 years) but well. it's chocolate cake, you can't feel guilty about chocolate cake. yum.
got all of my stuff from india (my parents came to england by car, so they brought it with them), including a ridiculous amount of ayurveda stuff, moisturizing lotions, cleansers, shampoos, etc. etc. etc. can't wait to use them all! i'm such a girl. then... a rug, my buddha and my ganesh, and random stuff like that. all the stuff i'd more or less forgotten about, so it's wicked. but i'm accumulating too much already. don't know what i'll do next year when i'll have to move... who knows where. but i won't think about it until then.
can't wait for tomorrow. but then, today was a good day. i like this. enjoying every day. it hasn't happened to me in such a long time... maybe ever?

gotta meet the parents in a couple of hours. then i'm gonna go around london for a while (they're bringing me stuff from paris, and as it is quite a lot of stuff, i'll have to bring it back here and then go back to central london again, great)... we'll have lunch together and probably go to the tate and stuff. should be ok. hopefully.
i've got nothing else to say. apart from the fact that i'm in love. but you already knew that.

i have a cv! i have a cv! which has got nothing on it apart from a made up job and my education & skills, but well. it's better than nothing, right? at this speed, in a couple of years i'll finally get a job. *snort*
i have no money, absolutely no money. lucky my parents are coming down on friday, really. and if i can convince her to get me a travelcard for the month... i'm sorted! so yeah, the idea is, get a job in central london (waterstones? whsmith?), so i can keep it when i move to the new house. which, by the way, is going to be a two bedroom place again, because we've been deserted again... as usual.
gotta run watch six-feet under! mmh.

yes, i'm a birthday girl. finally. adieu teenage years! kekeke.
the only problem is... i'm sort of bored. waiting for jay to come home from work... which won't happen for another 4 hours or so. bla bla bla. maybe i could watch the dreamers... i downloaded it the other day... i might as well. or keep watching friends. i've started watching it all over AGAIN, from the first series. i must have seen every bloody episode at least 5 times... lol. my obsession.
i forgot to say... apparently, jay's parents did like me. he talked to them yesterday and they said i was nice; his mum said i was very mature (she was surprised when jay told her i'm only nine... no sorry twenty *^^*) and his dad that i sound very intelligent. my reaction to this? i was so happy that i cleaned the bathroom (which probably doesn't make any sense to you, but it does to me). i rock. especially considering they didn't really like his previous girlfriend... bwahahah. huge ego boost. massive ego boost.
my parents are gonna come to london on friday... i'm really hoping my mum will be able to pick up my ipod tomorrow... otherwise i won't get it for ages, i mean, at least until i go to paris (and i'm not too sure of when that will be). parents called me this morning (my mum also had some sort of important/interesting news, but it's something i have to think about and i'd rather not say yet), then i got emails, loads of comments here and on my lj, a few posts on it.fan.japan.sailor-moon, a couple of texts and a couple of phonecalls, all wishing me happy birthday. on the whole, i consider myself satisfied. lol... :)
when my dad talked to me on the phone, at around 1, he said something that made me really happy, one of those cute things that make me melt. he said... 'you know, i can remember what i was doing exactly 20 years ago. i was waiting and waiting, and then i decided to go for a walk. but i was so nervous that i almost immediately went back...'
it feels so weird. to hear people talking about when i was born... it's very moving.
no matter what, even though i'm here on my own, today is my birthday, i love my life right now, and i'm so damn happy. kekeke.

in three hours time, i'll be 20. but i'm going to sleep pretty soon (remember, four hours of sleep last night), so... it's more like... when i wake up, i'll officially be 20.
adieu my teenagers years. seems yesterday when i turned 13... and now it's gone. they've been incredible years, especially the last two, but in the end, even the ones before that; and i pride myself of the fact that i can always see the positive things about my past, and i will do it now as well. i know, i know, nostalgia and melancholy just kill me. i can be so cheesy. but it is the end of an era. i don't want to say that from tomorrow i'll be a changed person; but this birthday... so much anticipation has built up in my head, it feels like the biggest thing in the world.
see you tomorrow london, as a 20 year old.

i've had such a busy week... going up to central london almost every day. i'm tired now. but the final straw was...
after jay convinced me (with all sorts of horror stories) that i shouldn't go to his auntie's birthday, yesterday he calls me at like 2 and tells me that well, in the end, i should go, because he's told his mum that he told me not to go and she got pissed off and yelled at him... so there i went again, catching my usual train to london bridge. i had to go all the way to epping, north london, zone 6 (remember, at the moment i'm in south london, zone 4), where jay and his parents picked me up. at first i was seriously so damn nervous. got to the party, i got introduced to like a thousand aunts and a couple of cousins and jay's brother (+ girlfriend) and sister (+ boyfriend). at first i didn't really know what to do, but then everybody started getting pissed, and after that it was just fine. the moment when everything really clicked into place was when i got up with jay and started dancing with all the aunties to your usual array of 50s/60s/70s classics. i was laughing so hard most of the time... i ate like a pig (mmh. sausages! garlic bread! garlic... and bread???) and talked with a few people. i really really really like jay's family. they're all incredibly funny and nice and crazy (in a very good way) and... i just really like them, with their uber-cool east end accents. lol. i hope they liked me as well, but i think they did; jay's mum was seriously impressed when i got up and started dancing around (especially considering i wasn't even drinking, as the only idea of being drunk makes me sick at the moment). her exact words were... 'you're a feisty little thing, aren't you?'. LOL. LOL.
why do i always look very self-confident to people when in reality i feel so damn nervous? i don't understand. guess the image i've got of myself in my little head is completely wrong... oh well.
so, it was lots and lots of fun. i really enjoyed it. and the punch was so nice, shame i couldn't drink it (apparently it was lethal). we didn't leave until 1.30 or so; so i stayed at jay's parents' house, which apparently is a huge thing because he's never been allowed to have girls in his room. his room is so cute; they built it out of the garage a couple of months ago, and it's so cool! with two brick walls, and white & yellow curtains, and a cool desk. so we christened his cute single bed and then slept cuddling (because we had no other choice). which was lovely... apart from the fact that we ended up only getting four hours of sleep because jay had to go to work at 10 and drive me to the station before that...
so, here i am, back in mottingham. i really want to go shopping, even though i've got no money, because tomorrow is my birthday and i'll spend the day on my own and i'm depressed (which is just all a big excuse). i want... a new pair of jeans... some cute shoes... white pumps, that sort of thing... and tops... come on, it's my birthday... i'm allowed to spend some money... not really but i don't care. XD we'll see.

i'm so drunk. AGAIN. third time since thursday, basically. i can't even type. and i cannot be BOTHERED to be drunk again. never again, i swear. at least not three times in less than a week...
i miss my baby so so so much. and i won't see him again until monday (night), i.e. my twentieth birthday. which sucks. kirsty is leaving tomorrow; and what am i gonna do on sunday & monday? might meet up with james at some point.
think some friends of mine have found my livejournal in some way somehow; and the thought is absolutely terrifying me. fck. the internet really isn't safe hey? erm. should have known that from the start.
my head is spinning and i need my/jay's bed, which, luckily, is not even a metre away. sleep. SLEEP. and please no hangover.

this morning i went to tav's funeral.
it was so beautiful and so sad at the same time... the service was amazing, his friends had so many good things to say, and right in the middle of it some of us saw a butterfly, in the church, and i can't help but think that it was him.
i'm so emotionally drained. tired. but i'm glad i could be there, close to some of my friends and some important people in my life.
but the best part was after the funeral itself, the reception at his parents' house, because everybody was getting a bit drunk and just talking about him, remembering things, laughing. and that was good.
but in the end, there are no words to express how it felt; it was so heartbreaking...

yesterday i was supposed to meet up with james and... i did! as he didn't go to work (cause: smoking session with his mates the night before) we met up in the afternoon instead. i went to his flat; we had a cheeky one and played backgammon (i'd never played before, so he had to teach me... and guess what? i'm quite good at it! bwahahah), chatting away... it was good to see him again, we hadn't had a proper chat is SO LONG, it was ridiculous. at around 7 we went to see... rod stewart the musical. XD let me explain. his mum's ex-boyfriend (or something like that) is in the show, so he gave us free tickets. it was the first time i went to see a musical... don't think i'd do it again (unless i get free tickets obviously) but it was veeery entertaining. especially with a couple of shots of vodka inside me. *erm* we had two drinks before, one drink in the middle and several drinks afterwards. found out the oh-my-god-so-fit guy in the show is not only 37 but also gay... *sniff* i just wanted to touch his abs... *sniff* anyway, had a chat with a couple of people from the cast, and then stumbled home. i was so drunk i was almost sick in the tube. chatted to random people on the tube who asked what we had seen (we were both wearing these silly 'rod stewart the musical' paper hats they gave us at the theatre, erm)... see, i love london. random people, random people are the best. got home (james' flat in kennington; after asking jay if it was ok i decided to stay there, because i couldn't be bothered with trains...), sat on the balcony for a bit feeling ill (i started throwing up and then stopped... argh) and then passed out in james' bed...
a very funny night on the whole, a right giggle... i'd missed getting drunk with james, that guy's so much fun. and we talked lots, about relationships mostly. discussed the fact that we don't feel 'right' unless we're with someone, which is so very true. i have this theory which i've already told quite a few people about; you know how in every group of friends there's always that girl who's almost never single, or at least has always got something going on with someone? well, i'm afraid i'm that girl in my group of friends. it's a scary thought, it really makes me think about myself. you know, where's my independance? at the same time, i can't really change the way i am, and now that i've found someone who is so right for me, there's nothing wrong with it. but in the past this 'characteristic' of mine has ofter led me into a lot of trouble... see ryan, see tom, see basically every sort of romantic/sexual thing that has happened to me in the last two years. as i was saying there's nothing wrong with such a behaviour, if you're lucky, if you find the right person, which is what has happened to me with jay. so, what is my conclusion? guess there isn't one. i've just realized i have a side i didn't know or i hadn't acknowledged too much until now.
today i basically haven't done anything... got home from james' at around 11 (he went to work at like 8, poor guy), had a shower, had a nice salad (yes, SALAD, i'm trying to eat healthy, kekeke), watched some tv... and that's it basically. i'm thinking too much today; must be because i'm feeling so damn hungover (i could try and promise to myself that i won't get so drunk ever again, but i know it's not gonna work), thoughts develop in my head so slowly that i can see them and analyze them over and over again... yeah, i'm definitely the queen of introspection.
jana-babe, surprisingly enough, i didn't take any topless pictures myself. i've got some, but they're kathy's (mostly from before i came down to omisalj), so i guess she'll put them online herself? apart from the fact that i've just found out i've got almost no space left on the server. grrr. don't know what i'm gonna do... probably put offline my scans or something.
someone give me something to do! that doesn't require me to go into central london and spending MORE money on transport... argh. think i'll buy fimo online and start experimenting with it... bwahahah.
tav's funeral is tomorrow morning. it's probably gonna be miles away, but i really want to go (first time i'll go to a funeral. horrible things). sophie & paul will be there as well, so we'll probably spend the day together after that... which should be good. and kirsty is getting into london tomorrow afternoon, so tomorrow night is gonna be let's-get-very-drunk-and-silly night.
i've written a lot more than what i intended to, as i usually do. it feels good though. i love long entries. they make me feel lighter... more free. don't know. i'm talking bollocks. lol. love you all, all over the world.

i'm here, tired but completely sleepless. i'm having trouble sleeping on my own again... and i just feel so out of place here. let me explain; this is jay's room. being here without him just feels wrong in a weird sort of way. i wake up in the morning and think 'where the hell am i? why am i here on my own?'. it doesn't feel right. it's very weird.
also. today, while i was talking to jay (about james, and how he shouldn't be jealous of him at all), i realized how much on the rebound i really was after i broke up with 'the' boyfriend. in the end, it probably took me about a year to get over him. at the time, i never really understood it... it always shocks me how unaware of things i can be when they happen.
amaranta, marks at my uni work like this... 40% is a pass, between 40 and 50% is a third (third class), between 50 and 60% is a 2ii (or second class lower division if you prefer), between 60 and 70% is a 2i (second class upper division), 70% and above is a first (first class). basically the highest mark you can get is probably around 75% (i've been told before that getting more than that would mean be ready to be published or something like that). final marks are usually made up by essays handed in during the year (20 or 30% of the final mark) and exams (80 or 70%). don't know why it's so complicated... they sure could have made it easier. like at jay's uni... jusy As and Bs and Cs and so on. by the way, my baby got a A- this year. my little genius... kekeke.
i'm bored. my back hurts because i've been sitting in front of this damn thing too much. i need my baby to hold me because otherwise i can't fall asleep... aaah this sucks. sucks sucks sucks.
(it's the first time in probably more than a year that i post at this time at night; and the first time in a very long time i don't feel like sleeping at 3.50 in the morning. i should really try now. not that i've got anything to do tomorrow...)

the gallery has been updated with almost 400 new pictures: india & croatia. enjoy. :)

so. got up this morning. followed up on my plan to get exam results printed out at uni. spent bloody 4.70 £ to get a travelcard and... THANK GOD I DID. when i got the sheet with the results i started jumping around the corridor... think i scared this poor japanese girl who was standing in front of the registry office looking very confused... lol. so, you wanna know? here you go...
theory and evidence in contemporary development - 64% = second class upper division
southeast asian government and politics - 63% = second class upper division
politics of development - 72% = yes indeed, FIRST CLASS, in my hardest exam
south east asia on film - 65% = second class upper division
i'm so so so happy & relieved. now i know that unless i fck up very badly next year i can easily get a 2i, and maybe maybe... if i work a lot... but that's pretty much a dream so we'll see. if i ended up getting a first, that would be so good... stop dreaming vanina stop dreaming. but yeah. so i don't have to worry about my exam results anymore. i rock. XD
plan for today... absolutely nothing. go back to mottingham. upload pictures from india + croatia... (dear jana&goran&rene, i apologise for not doing it before, but you know... catching up with the boyfriend, as i now say).
chatted to kirsty, who is fine and coming down on thursday (and so should sophie). meeting up with james tomorrow night, most probably... which should be nice, apart from, again the 4.70 £ for the travelcard. i've just realized, i thought i didn't have much money, but i was wrong. 150 £ to last me until the 20th or so when my parents are coming to london... but i'm going out on thursday & friday (getting pissed with my mates, finally XD) and then i have to think about buying a present for my baby for his birthday... and travelcards. aaah. bloody money. i know i should get a job but... there's always a but. what can i do???
but i'm babbling away now. still at uni (posting this from the computer room). i feel like it's a waste to go home now considering the travelcard, but there's no one around i can meet up with... sniff. i can just go home and try to download the dreamers again. and music. and friends... bwahahah.

i've been lazing around since thursday... yesterday jay was working so i was here on my own... i just sat around, tidied up, watched some tv (i've missed so much in home & away it's not even funny... lol), and... that's it. lol. read heat magazine as well... then watched big brother (come on, it was the final, i had to watch it... sort of), bla bla bla. was bored for most of the day, but i needed it... just chilling out, you know.
then last night i sat outside the door, smoked a cigarette on my own; and i realized, i never thought i'd be in mottingham, smoking a cigarette, incredibly happy. how life works out.
i've just found out i lost weight as well... i think it's a combination of india + sickness + croatia + not that much food... i'm 67 kg now, the lightest i've been in like... 5 years!!!
anyway. my boyfriend is the best. in every sense.
kc, my blog started... well, i wanted one for a long time, when i was 17 or so, but i didn't open one until i started uni, i was scared of hurting people around me... well, my boyfriend at the time. then we broke up, i moved to london, and i felt that i needed to have a diary of my time here... so i started my blog as 'vanilla flavoured days', wrote so much oh so much! after a year or so i got this domain. and that's it. :) so it's been almost two years! sometimes i read my first posts, and i realize how much i've grown up in these two years... it's kind of scary. ^^

this morning i had to get up at 5.30; yet, i'm still up, after a day spent in car-train-train-bus-plane-car... as you might have guessed, i'm back in london. and i'm even more tired if you consider the fact that i had ridiculous amounts of sex (i apologise to people who get shocked easily). after 6 weeks of not seeing jay, it just had to happen.
i'm even more tanned than jay (who's half maltese). i feel healthy. or at least i feel i have very healthy skin.
need to phone lots of people, but right now i have no energy left whatsoever.
it's almost a good thing jay had to go home tonight (he has work tomorrow morning). i need some rest. today was psychologically (final dramatic fights with parents + realizing how in love i am again) & physically (travelling + sex sex sex) draining. but i think that tomorrow morning i'll wake up refreshed and happy; and that's a good thing.
i'm just so happy to be back with him; because he makes me smile no matter what he says. i just feel so relaxed when i'm around him, and after the last few days having huge rows with my parents and feeling completely empty it's so good to feel loved and appreciated and so on.
if i could just alternate london & croatia for the rest of my life i'd be the happiest person ever. all the people i love in both places, good clubs and a wonderful city on one side, cheap cigarettes and wonderful sea & nature on the other.
aaah. the comfort of having a double bed all to myself. yes, i'm gonna go to sleep. even though it's just 10.30.

in exactly 24 hours i'll be in my lovely london, with my baby, oh god. finally. i just can't wait.
apart from that, relationship with parents is getting worse and worse, i'm hot, i feel fat. i just need to go back and get some positive energy.
happy birthday jana-babe! love you.

one of paul best friends, tav, and another one of their friends, jay, died in a car accident yesterday. i'd never met jay and i'd only met tav a couple of times, but... this is just such a shock. i can't believe. i'm crying in the middle of a cafe.
i'm thinking of the friends and family; and as sophie said in the email she sent me to tell me the news, i can only consider myself lucky i knew him.