September 2004 Archives

next wednesday i'll have broadband. not just in my flat, in my own room, for the first time in two years... bwahahah. XD i'm happy happy happy. if it wasn't for the fact that i had to pay for it on my card (couldn't use my mum's), so i spent 25 £ on the modem + microfilter and 30 £ on installation fees + first month's broadband... sniff. i think i'll have to ask my parents to give me 20 more quid a month (and i feel terrible, i am a spoiled brat), but if i don't... it's just too many things adding up at the moment, and i just wish the damn insurance company from my storage would call me and give me the money for my ruined shoes. i sooo need it right (and deserve it as well)...
apart from that, everything's good. i've decided what courses i'm doing, i've enrolled for all of them, everything's sorted out. so this year i'm doing south east asian literatures in translation, gender and development, hiv/aids and development, the global refugee crisis and state & society in asia & africa. they all seem to be very interesting and A LOT of work, but well... it is my third year, i need to start being serious about all this.
i've been talking to so many people at uni, i can't stand it anymore. *lol* thank god i've got tomorrow off...
things are good with jay... i don't know, we're just going through a rough patch i think, relationships are a lot of work and compromise and whatnot... but yeah, things seem to be better now. i hope. i don't know, i'm really scared it's all going to fck up majorly and i'll lose him but... i'll do everything i can so that it doesn't happen. i love him too much... and that means that i'm too involved, maybe. i don't know, i don't know. it's a confusing & confused issue at the moment.

saturday night, my mates are out clubbing, jay is at home, and i'm here watching tv. but well. the night started off with me being in a completely depressed mood, but i'm feeling a lot better now. i need to keep my mood swings under control, really, it's getting out of hand... *sigh*
i enrolled at uni on friday, didn't take long at all which was good. but i can't stand the place anymore. *lol* yep, i don't like my uni, i don't like the people in there, i just can't be bothered with it anymore! XD i'm almost happy it's my last year, you know...
i'm in... an ok mood, i'd say. life is going so-so, but then, nothing can be perfect all the time can it? so i'm fine. ^^

i went to scotland last week to see kirsty, which was great, despite the mud. we went to this wicked world music festival in the forest of aaaeee (still don't know how to pronounce that, how would you pronounce 'ae'?), and generally just had fun, talked, smoked, got drunk. it was nice, especially considering that kirsty is now in tanzania, other side of the world... *sigh* i went to the airport yesterday to see her one last time. it was sad, very sad. i can't believe i won't see her again until april... seems so far away! i'll miss her loads, that's for sure.
apart from that, i now have a cold (think runny nose, horrible cough with green stuff coming out of my throat, headaches). to top it all off, jay and i have been having quite a lot of trouble, arguing, crying, feeling miserable. things seem to be better now, but... i don't know. i don't really know what do. he's coming to pick me up in a bit, and i hope we can talk and enjoy each other's company and just treat each other like we deserve. i love that boy so much. i don't (can't) lose him now, and i'll do everything i can to make things better.
i haven't been a very good flatmate, which really depresses me. tonight i'm off again, sleeping at jay's, and i feel really guilty. i need to sort my life out, seriously. also, at the moment, i own about 15 £, and that is ALL the money i have until tomorrow or more probably monday... so no going out for me this weekend (it would be a bad idea anyway, considering my health at the moment).
but yeah, i'm enrolling at uni tomorrow. i can just hope things can get better now because i seriously feel like shite. it sucks.
and i hate whining like this. but well.

i'm all on my own in jay's parents' house, which feels weird. i've decided to come up here because his parents are away and he's only working 4 hours today... so tomorrow morning he'll drive me to stansted where i'll catch my plane to freezing cold scotland (apparently. kirsty has reminded me at least 4 times to bring a coat; but i'm not taking one, i've just got a very very big jumper, hope it'll be ok).
i left my flat with my room in a complete mess. mountains of stuff all on one side by the window (had to make space for the landlord to change the wardrobe). seriously, i hope he'll put a chest of drawers in as well, because he was being very vague (he already had a new wardrobe, so he knew the damn thing was falling apart... grrr). i hope i'll have enough space to put all of my shit. i need to give away stuff, i need to. X(
on monday i met up with greg to have a drink in king's cross, which was very nice. we were chatting about travelling and languages and such... it was fun. i always like to meet people i know from the internet. when i think about it, it's something i've been doing for so long. since i was 13 basically... and i've only met freaks twice, i'd say. *lol* and jana, who is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, i met her like that. and lovely ana. the internet is just wicked...
the only problem is; jay feels uncomfortable about the whole thing, and i haven't been dealing with it the right way, so i ended up upsetting him and feeling very frustrated because i couldn't explain things to him... but we're fine now. i think we've reached a point where... i don't know, we admit to our mistakes. and we're really trying to improve for each other. it's so... weird, it feels so weird, so grown up, so proper. i'm just so in love. there are no other words to explain how much i need him and miss him and want him, all the time. *^^*

i'm alive and well. the move went well (and was easier than what i thought it would, maybe because jay carried all the really heavy stuff?). we've all moved in, and the place looks wicked. i love my room. it's weird how different it feels being here, instead than in our little flat in stoke newington. we've discussed it; and this place feels less cozy but i feels more spacious, a real flat, not a student place at all. we're loving it. and the kitchen is so nice!!! i'm not going to take pictures just yet, because there are a few bits and pieces that still need to go in. especially in my room, since that huge wardrobe i told you about is basically falling apart, so they'll get a smaller one in with a new chest of drawers as well (actually, i wanted to have a chest of drawers. i haven't got enough drawers)... hopefully the landlord will do all this while i'm gone to scotland, so i can get back and start settling into my room. most of my posters are up, all of my stuff is put away and in its place, and it feels lovely. to have all of my things here as well... i finally feel like i'm somewhere to stay, at least for a while.
tomorrow night i'll be going to jay's house (well, his parents') and stay there until thursday morning when he'll drive me to the airport. so tomorrow i'll have proper internet (right now i'm just connecting with crappy dial-up to download my email and such). i need to sort out broadband asap. but it'll have to wait until the end of the month when i'll have a bit more money... there are so many things i want to buy for this place, but right now i can't afford anything... it sucks.

i hate-hate-hate packing. even if it's just to move 20 minutes away in the same city... i didn't even KNOW i had so much stuff here. seriously, what is wrong with me, how can i accumulate so much SHIT in such a short period of time??? i swear, i promise, i'll start chucking away stuff now. i HAVE to. this is not normal.
i just can't wait for tomorrow! even though it's going to be dead tiring... but seriously, i love moving just because of this, the excitement of a new place, and making it ours. it's so good.
i've also organized some form of internet for the time being (until i get broadband, yay!). as soon as we move in tomorrow i'll phone bt and get the landline connected, and then i have a pay as you go account with wanadoo so i'll be able to connect at least to check my email and website (not for long though, don't wanna run some ridiculous bill again).
so... see you tomorrow or in a couple of days, as soon as i settle in. :) wish me luck with the moving... sniff.

we got our keys today. i'm getting increasingly excited about this place; my room is gonna look sooo nice. (by the way, i'm in a better mood now; hungover is not here anymore so)
i didn't take pictures of the inside because it was still a bit of a mess, but i took pictures of the outside and our street. so here they are. :)

i had a lovely day, met up with kirsty, soph & liz, talked a lot, drank shandy, then went to freddie's birthday party and talked to random people i hadn't seen in months.
but it was all ruined by the fact that fcking train companies suck; got to charing cross i was told that i had to get the train to hither green and then get a replacement bus because there was engineering work on the line or something. get to hither green, there's no fcking replacement bus, and after talking on the phone to jay & dan for 15 minutes i ended up getting a cab, which costed me 7 quid. FCK. money i really didn't wanna spend, plus i made jay all stressed out because he was worried about me, and god do i hate that. i hate depending on people. i hate not being able to take care of myself, and even though it wasn't really my fault there wasn't a bus, i'm so fcking pissed off with myself for getting into that kind of situation. and jay was sort of pissed off with me, not really, just because he'd been worried (he actually got up and got dressed in case he had to come and pick me up), and it just fcking SUCKS.
and i'm meeting my new landlord tomorrow, to sign the contract, give him deposit+rent money and get the keys. which means i'll have to get out of here at like 11, which means i won't be able to sleep and nurture my hangover (because a long time ago, before the whole fcking replacement bus crap kicked in, i was very drunk). SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. and i wanna see jay but there's no point really because he's working loads. and i wanna see kirsty but now i'm broke so. i hate all this fcking mess.
i just wanna scream my head off.

my phone bill is... 140 quid. yes, a 140. i feel so fcking stupid and useless. that leaves me about 220 quid for the next three weeks, including my trip to scotland and possibly a travelcard (which is 80 pound). i know i'll manage it, but it pisses me off so much that i was stupid enough to spend so much money on my fcking phone. i'm pissed off with myself, so incredibly pissed off. this means no going out, no extras, no treats for my baby, which is the thing that angers me the most, because god knows if he deserves some. ARGH. one thing's for sure, i'm gonna bloody look for a job properly now. i need one, i want one, i just can't be bothered with this shit anymore.
i suck.

today was just weird. but well. i had apple crumble with custard so i'm happy. XD went to see hellboy as well, which was shit, but i didn't have to buy my ticket (jay did XD).
anyway. here's the drawing jay made of me. enjoy. :)

listening to poe now; was listening to norah jones earlier, while jay was drawing me (yes, naked). and he's so good! he always amazes me. took a while, 45 minutes, and i'd never thought staying in the same position for so long would hurt so much... but it's just so nice. it makes everything feel so special.
we've had a few arguments in the last couple of days, but this... just puts everything back in its place. i'm so in love. i feel so loved.
it's just amazing, day after day, it's always better and never the same or worse; it's just the best thing that has ever happened to me.
goodnight, world.

we got the flat. XD yes, THE one, the first one we saw, the one we really liked! we went for a second viewing this morning, and then we gave the guy 200 £ as a holding deposit, so... there you go. XD i'm so excited. they're still doing it up, they need to finish the floor (in my room), the kitchen and the bathroom, so... we're moving in on the 11th! i so can't wait. it's wonderful; the windows are even bigger than what i thought, there's so much light coming in! and it's on the second floor as well. the living room isn't huge, but we don't have to have a desk or a table in there, so it's more than enough space in there. the kitchen is great, new tiles on the floor and he'll even be able to fit a table and chairs in there; plus we got a big fridge (finally!), loads of cupboards (twice as many as last year), oven and a microwave (yay). the guy is also gonna give us an iron, an ironboard and a hoover (and you might expect these things normally, but last year we had nothing like that). the sofa and the armchair in the living room aren't great but he said he's gonna buy throws for them; and we will have a table thing for the tv and a storage/bookshelf thing as well. all brand new, which is great. my room is more or less the same size as last year, but it feels a lot bigger because the ceiling is so much higher and it's a more normal shape... i'll have an absolutely gigantic wardrobe, a desk and a bedside table... which is so much more than what i had last year, lol. sophie's room is huge and so so so pretty, but well. those two deserve the bigger room... ;p
i'm so excited, you have no idea. i can't wait to get in there, put all of my stuff in, make it mine (well, ours), and then take loads of pictures. jay said he's gonna get next weekend off work to help me move in everything... it's gonna be great, i'll get to move everything in AND christen the bed... XD
i need pictures, PICTURES! it's so pretty. ;__;