October 2004 Archives

updated my gallery... with pictures of me (short hair! but it's a crappy picture really) and, more importantly, pictures of the flat! i'm so proud of this flat. ;p
actually, this is a better picture of me with my short hair. it still feels very weird. *sigh* i never realized that i'd basically been growing it for two years. it was this short when i started uni. it's like going back in time. *lol* it feels so nice to be at home, with nothing to do. it's reading week next week, so no lectures... i have an essay to do but that won't take long. and it's not due until the 15th anyway... so i'll start during the week. so this morning i spent a couple of hours taking care of myself, had a nice, long, bubbly bath, washed my hair, covered myself in moisturiser... i feel much better now. :) and then i'll start reading the rotters' club which i bought yesterday when i was feeling nervous before going to the doctor's, and i'll slowly start catching up with all of the readings for my classes. i feel relaxed, minus a detail or two...
i can't believe it's almost november already. it's all going so quickly.
also, i was thinking earlier... i haven't said anything about the elections. or the whole deal with the new commission and berlusconi and buttiglione. and since i'm actually quite a political person (i have to, considering the university i go to)...
well, for the elections: i hope kerry wins. not because i really like him, but because i don't want bush again. i think this election is not about who wins, but about who loses, really. even though i think that if bush stays in power he'll only fck up america more than the rest of the world (i mean, what else can he do? attack iran? i doubt it), it would be... depressing to have him in power for another 4 years, because he has way too much power for anyone's good. and if kerry gets elected, it will give us europeans some hope for our own governments... maybe there is a slight, tiny chance that we'll get rid of blair, berlusconi and all of these other idiots.
as for the european commission, it depresses me. us italians always come out as the fcking stupidest, most horrible people ever, and all because of that fcking tw*t berlusconi. buttiglione for justice??? a man who says that homosexuality is a sin and women should stay at home and look after the kids??? is berlusconi insane? did he really think they would accept him? it's absolutely ridiculous. italy always fcks up, no matter what. not very reassuring, if i'm thinking of moving back there next year. argh.
and with this, i end this post, because i could keep writing about this forever.

my blood test results came back completely normal; the doctor said i could wait a bit longer and see if i get my period, or start the pill again. so that's what i'm going to do... apparently i could still have polycystic ovary syndrome, which can be treated by taking the pill, so i might as well. also, since the pill is free over here, i'll finally be saving money (in france you have to pay for it, and well, condoms are not expensive but it's still money)...
i'm feeling much better now. much much better. everything's fine, i'll get my periods again plus i won't have to stress about being pregnant again... yay. XD i hope i won't put on weight again though. sniff.

doctor's appointment is in two hours. i wish i had someone to go with... jay suggested i ask one of my friends, but i don't know who's at uni today, and... don't know. don't feel like having anyone apart from jay or my mum really, and they can't be there, so. i'll just go on my own.
i'm starting to feel nervous. really nervous. think i'm gonna smoke about 200 cigarettes in the next hour, which will make me even more nervous, and bla bla bla.
ARGH.

isn't it great, i wake up and er is on! XD and jay has a tv in his room now, so i can lie in bed and watch it... bwahahah. i need to do work today though. stupid presentations.
nothing much is happening; after being stressed out about not having done my readings yesterday both of my tutorials were great, i was chatting away... i also realized how good it is to be a third year in a class with just second years; i've done most of the stuff in my state & society class so i knew everything and they didn't. *grin* i felt very knowledgeable. and i remember, i felt like i was ignorant last year when i had third years in my classes and they seemed to know so much... and now i'm there as well. makes me think that in the end, i've learnt so much in the last two years. it's nice to know my education is alive and well. *lol*
i've slept in the same bed as jay last night, for the first time in two weeks, and god, does it feel good. it makes me so happy. i wake up with a smile on my face when his body is next to mine. i'm so in love. *sigh* i'm so happy.
(what a useless post. i apologise if you've read all of this)

i'm not posting much, i know. i've been posting more in my lj than here lately... i feel like i've got more private stuff to say at the moment, so.
but well, what's going on? not much really. got back in london yesterday morning at a ridiculous time (8.30), spent the day with jay, missed my literature class/tutorial (silly me, now i need to get essay titles off someone), and got back home last night. now i need to do all of these readings for my tutorials this afternoon, and can i be bothered? oooh no.
maybe a shower will make me feel better. stupid headache. i'm sort of hoping that the headache means that my hormones are getting back in track and i'll have my period soon, but i don't think that's going to happen. i just want to see the doctor on thursday and sort this thing out.
stress stress stress. i'm not in a good mood. at all.
[edit] i've just realized. i totally missed the fact that on the 8th, this blog celebrated its second birthday... well, in its dashofmilk.co.uk incarnation. and i think it does deserve a word... because this website has been an extremely important part of my life in the last two years. so many things have happened to me, so much has changed, and it's all in here. all of my feelings are registered, my loves, my adventures... whatever happens in the future, i know i'll always hold on to this. so thank you to everybody who's been reading me from the start (or not). love you all. [/edit]

this massive headache has been lingering over my head since this morning. talk about something being annoying... i even took two aspirines.
so far these few days spent with my parents have been really nice. apart from the fact that we're all broke (well, they're broke, therefore i'm broke) it's been lovely, we've been talking lots and they're being really nice to me. worried about my hair... i seriously can't wait to go and see the doctor on thursday. i CAN'T wait.
today i went to the hairdresser's because seeing very long blond hair all over my clothes was starting to annoy me. i didn't do my usual blond highlights (my hair's too fcked to play around with it...) but i had my haircut done. so now, for the first time in at least 3 years if not more, my hair's really short. sort of above my shoulders. it feels weird, light and very nice. i'm basically back to my original colour now, and it looks nicer than what i remembered it. not blond enough for me, but nice enough. i guess i can cope it with. (pictures will follow on monday when i'll be back in london and will have my camera).
i've added so many songs to my ipod... didn't know my mum had so many good cds. i'm up to 3450 songs. XD
anyway, enough babbling. i wanna go home so bad. i miss jay... as i expected i am NOT waiting until friday to see him, so i'm directly going to his place on monday morning, from the station. i can't wait. i miss kisses, i miss hugs, i miss cuddles and i miss sex. i just miss my baby...

argh. my neighbours upstairs are listening to some weird arabic music (basically, a man who sounds like he's being slowly tortured to death) and it's SO annoying. X(
i've just got back from uni; i've done my second presentation in two weeks today. i'm really proud of myself at the moment. health problems aside, i think i'm doing really well. things with jay (apart from not seeing him much, but that just makes it so much more special when we do see each other) are great, i'm doing lots of work for uni and both of my presentations went really well (i feel like i'm understanding things a lot better than i did two years ago, which is normal, i guess, but i never realized how much better i am at analyzing texts and theories now), and i've been eating quite healthily lately. i don't have just pasta all the time, i have usually one proper meal a day (salads, omelettes, meat, etc.) and breakfast and usually a sandwich at lunch. i eat fruit, drink smoothies and fruit juice... i don't know, i feel a lot better. apart from my hair falling out, which i'm sure is not caused by anything too bad... i'm getting the results next week anyway, so i'll find out then. and i'm not too worried/paranoid/etc.
i've been in a really good mood in the last two days. apart from this morning when i was falling asleep in my lecture... lol. thank god for the chinese girl with lots of hair who was sitting in front of him, because she was hiding me perfectly from the lecturer. XD

where has everybody disappeared off to? either mt-blacklist is fcking with me again (it's been deleting comments randomly) or... i don't know??? lol.
aaah, the happiness of being up on monday morning at 7.45. -__-; it sucks to have a lecture at 9 on a monday, it sucks. especially since i went out on saturday night, til the early hours... i'd missed clubbing. :) it was good fun, i only got back at 8 on sunday morning! and despite sleeping the whole day i'm still pretty tired... but well, i need to get myself together cause i've got lots of stuff to do! a presentation for tomorrow, namely.
i'm going home to paris on thursday, for four days. should be nice; i haven't seen my mum in almost two months! hopefully we won't argue or anything... ^^;
gotta go finish my cigarette & tea now... ;p

went to have my blood test done this morning. less scary than what i thought it would be... they only took... two thingies-whatever they're called out, which isn't a lot really. and it was over really quickly! and the fact that jay was there with me made it a lot better. ^^
shame the weather's shit at the moment. it's been raining non-stop for like a week. and i was wearing my converse this morning... wet feet. luvely. ;__;
anyway, broadband is finally working, so i have internet in my room! yay! you have no idea how happy it makes me...! :)

so, i went to my appointment with the doctor this morning. she didn't seem to be too worried about the whole thing, and she was really nice. basically the hair loss and other things could be caused by a number of different reasons... so i'm getting a blood test done tomorrow and i'll see her again in two weeks to discuss the results.
of course, if you know me, you know i'm absolutely TERRIFIED by blood tests. so instead of going today (i could have done), jay is going with me tomorrow... i need moral support! lol.
but i have to say that seeing a doctor reassured me. she didn't seem to think it could be anything very bad, and i guess if there were big risks of it being something dangerous she would have said. so i'm quite relieved. even though two weeks it's an awfully long time to wait, at least i'll know what i have.
last night i couldn't sleep and i was thinking lots... so i've decided that next time i go home to paris i'll get a haircut, something radical. short. i'm getting tired of long hair; i really like the way it looks but it's such a hassle to keep it nice and smooth and whatnot. so i'm gonna go for short-ish hair, and maybe... i was thinking drastic highlights, in the sense of... make a big contrast with my natural haircoulour, you know. something with lots of contrast, yes, that's it. bwahahah. i can't wait. :)
i have a lecture in 30 minutes, but... i really can't be bothered to go. ;p so i won't! i'll go home instead, start working on my next presentation, sort out broadband, and get all nice and perfumed for my darling who's going to come over later. we have the flat all to ourselves until tomorrow night. *^^* niiice. XD

my adsl isn't working and i'm getting very pissed off.
my presentation today went really well... despite me having a massive, pounding headache, feeling ill and looking very pale.
i got an appointment with the doctor on thursday morning. i told my mum that i've been losing hair and stuff and she's convinced i'm pregnant. which i'm not. i'm almost positive all this is caused by a hormone inbalance... sounds likely. but well.
i was thinking about writing this massive entry, venting all of my stress from the past couple of weeks, but... i'm not in the mood. so, here you go. this is it from me. :)

for the past week or so, i haven't been feeling well. it all started with a certain feeling of uneasiness with life; and it culminated today, when i was on my way here (jay's house), i was sitting in the train and i felt like crying. i just... don't feel well at the moment. there are no other ways of describing it; i have a thousand reasons but none of them are actually strong enough for me to feel like this. the fact that i still haven't had my period (no, i'm not pregnant, don't worry) doesn't help, and the fact that i'm losing huge amounts of hair makes it even worse. seriously, i'm losing SO MUCH hair. so next week i need to get an appointment with a doctor and talk about these things, because i'm starting to think (and be pretty sure) that all this is hormones-related.
thank god for jay, because he's always here when i need him. i love him so much.

i love this room. i love it to bits. it makes me really happy to see it tidy and nice and clean... it's weird, but... i'm actually excited about having the day off so that i can spend it in this flat. :) the people who lived downstairs moved out a couple of days ago, and the door to their flat was left open. we went in to see how it was, and... wow. our flat is SO much better. the layout is different, in the sense that the rooms are exactly the same but they had the living room in sophie's room and the second bedroom is in our living room... the whole place looks a lot smaller (lower ceilings and something to do with the dark carpet) and just... gloomier. our flat is always quite light, even when the weather is shit outside (ah. the things i don't like about london). i'm just really proud of this flat; i think we've done really well. i really need to take pictures and post them, but it'll have to wait until i get broadband, which... should be any day now. then i'll love my room even more, lol. i'll be able to download music again! and films! and things in general! *lol* i really don't need much to be excited... ;p
anyway. i just felt happy and wanted to write it down. i still miss jay (don't think i'll actually see him until friday or saturday), and uni this year is turning out to be a lot harder than what it used to be, but... i've just changed my sheets and they smell lovely. that's only i need to be happy. *^^*

so, i'm back at uni. lectures start properly this week, which is... a hassle really; i don't feel ready for this, despite having had a good summer and more than enough rest, i just don't feel like i'm completely here. the fact that i still have no money (no matter how much money i get from my parents i seem to spend it all within the first week, and it sucks majorly, obviously) doesn't help at all... today is just a sucky day, but i'll get through it. i've got stuff to do, readings to do, i had a lecture this morning at 9 (and i made it, even though my concentration wasn't at its best... lol, i was about to fall asleep), and another one this afternoon. tonight i just want to chill out, be at home, watch tv, play the sims, whatever. just CHILL OUT. i do wish jay was with me, but then... i don't think i've spent enough time on my own lately, i'm becoming too dependant on people, you know. so yeah, just a night chilling out at home...
yesterday was ok; met up with my dad in chalk farm, walked to camden town (i bought a stripey throw for my bed, and badges, one of them says 'piss off' and i'm wearing it right now... lol, you can imagine that i didn't wake up very well this morning), then he came to see my flat... i think he liked it, and he finally met sophie and paul... the only thing that he didn't like was this car at the beginning of our road which had had its wheels taken off... erm. *lol* then we went to brunch with my brother, who managed, in the 10 minutes we spent together without my dad, to piss me off majorly (he's such a twat. and that's it). when i got home, dee was around, so we just sat around, smoked and drank wine, talked lots, and soph cooked us dinner... it was lovely and chilled out. but i regret it now... i got way too drunk. *sniff*
i miss jay. it's silly but i do... i wish i could live with him, i really do. it would make everything so much easier. we're not supposed to see each other again until the weekend, and it feels so far away... we'll probably end up spending a night together before then... lol. we can't stay away from each other for too long. and it feels so good... :)

see, i shouldn't have bought the sims 2. apart from the fact that i had to borrow the money from jay, now i spend every second playing with the damn game... erm. it's so good though. i made the cutest toddler yesterday. XD ok ok i'll stop now.
going to meet my dad in about an hour; get my rent money and get food somewhere in camden, should be nice. apart from the fact that i have to go from here (jay's house) and it's going to take me like 45 minutes instead of 15. i'm a muppet. but how could i not spend the night with my baby if i could? eheheh. *^^*
nothing much is happening. lectures have started, i'm settling in my new flat. that's about it.