May 2005 Archives

blog is working again! yay! you can all bookmark back to dashofmilk.co.uk.
life at the moment is utter shite. can't eat properly. can't sleep properly. i spend my days inbetween resignation, anger, sadness and utter and complete desperation. my count of 'public places i've cried in' has gone up to 3 now (the park, the pub, the cafe'). life is not good at the moment. i hate being such a pain in the arse for my mates, but what can i do? i'll need a long time to get over this. i really will.
and i've also made a mess of things with jay; i won't say how or why but it got so terribly ugly, so terribly upsetting. i hate the way things have turned. i think it's been both of us, we've dealt with it the wrong way, but now the damage is done. and i feel so terribly stupid because of it.
i miss him so much. miss everything about him. every single detail... but most of all i miss the way he made me happy without even being there. i just had to know he was out there. and now it's lost forever.
maybe i'm too obsessive. maybe i'm stupid. but i am still so in love with him. it'll pass some day. but thinking about the fact that one day, soon, i'll have to give up the love i feel for him, that... that is more upsetting than everything else.
life is very hard at the moment. very hard. thank god i have my friends. thank god i have good memories. something good will come out of this in end, if not that i will start a new page and change my ways.
the plan is... go travelling, change my outlook on the world, grow up emotionally, change style (haircut!), lose weight. the whole lot. god knows if it will make me a better person. or a stronger person. in some ways i do feel like i need to make some changes in my life. i need to find something positive that can come out of all this... crying. being upset. feeling so clueless and helpless.
i'm trying to stay positive. but it's hard when you wake up thinking 'i've just lost so much'. it's killing me.

life is hard at the moment. i feel a bit ill, some sort of throat infection or something. very annoying. i get them regularly though and at the moment i do feel very weak. i think it's all because of those two days when i didn't eat, and now the infection and not eating are feeding onto each other and so i eat little and feel progressively worse.
but i need to get back on track, exam on friday, my last one! and then a week of freedom... sitting in front of the telly... going out... slowly packing all of my stuff...
it feels so weird that i'm leaving this place already. i do really like this flat... meh.
i still have no clear plans for next year. BUT. i think i know what i want and need to do. that is... i want to go travelling. for six months. all over south east asia. august to february. i need to do something on my own, prove to myself and the world that i can do it. while i'm out there, i might try and volunteer in a couple of places. after that, come back here and find a job; search for a MA and apply for it. i want to do it part-time over the next two years, while working. that sounds ok doesn't it? :)
now we have to see whether it actually happens. ;)

letting go is so hard. so damn hard. i don't want to. i want him. but i need to do this for myself. i need to get over the pain and get over him.
if he doesn't want me, if he doesn't realise how good i could be for him, if he doesn't love me anymore despite everything i would do for him... then he doesn't deserve me.
it hurts so much when your only security in life (pretty much), the only person you really know and who really knows you, the one person you love more than everything else in the world turns your back on you.
i can't wait to feel ok again. i can't wait for all the pain to be over. i can't wait to have normal eyes and normal skin and not burst into tears every five minutes anymore.
this is so hard. :(

i cannot let him go. i will get him back. i will do everything in my power to get him back. i love him too much.
this is just not going to happen. i'm not going to lose him like this.

this is it.
i'm single.
it was the most heart-breaking thing that's ever happened to me.

so my providers fcked up again, and now i have no domain for at least a couple of weeks. damn it.
but anyway. my first four exams went quite well. it was extremely stressful to have four in a week, but now at least they're done... now i've only got one more next friday, so i'm not worrying about it for another couple of days.
the other good news is that i got 73% in my 5,000 word essay which i worked on so hard... so that was nice! there is a good chance i might get a first in the class. :)
now to the bad news...
jay and i are on a break. don't know for how long. don't really know why either. basically it's all coming from him because he's not sure about the relationship anymore. which is absolutely killing me. i've spent the last few days crying and feeling like absolute shite, which is always nice... meh.
what can i say, men are all bastards.