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life at the moment is utter shite. can't eat properly. can't sleep properly. i spend my days inbetween resignation, anger, sadness and utter and complete desperation. my count of 'public places i've cried in' has gone up to 3 now (the park, the pub, the cafe'). life is not good at the moment. i hate being such a pain in the arse for my mates, but what can i do? i'll need a long time to get over this. i really will.
and i've also made a mess of things with jay; i won't say how or why but it got so terribly ugly, so terribly upsetting. i hate the way things have turned. i think it's been both of us, we've dealt with it the wrong way, but now the damage is done. and i feel so terribly stupid because of it.
i miss him so much. miss everything about him. every single detail... but most of all i miss the way he made me happy without even being there. i just had to know he was out there. and now it's lost forever.
maybe i'm too obsessive. maybe i'm stupid. but i am still so in love with him. it'll pass some day. but thinking about the fact that one day, soon, i'll have to give up the love i feel for him, that... that is more upsetting than everything else.
life is very hard at the moment. very hard. thank god i have my friends. thank god i have good memories. something good will come out of this in end, if not that i will start a new page and change my ways.
the plan is... go travelling, change my outlook on the world, grow up emotionally, change style (haircut!), lose weight. the whole lot. god knows if it will make me a better person. or a stronger person. in some ways i do feel like i need to make some changes in my life. i need to find something positive that can come out of all this... crying. being upset. feeling so clueless and helpless.
i'm trying to stay positive. but it's hard when you wake up thinking 'i've just lost so much'. it's killing me.