June 2005 Archives

i got my results today.
and...
i
got
a
FIRST.
so yes indeed and excuse me if i'm not feeling modest today...
i have graduated with a first from one of the best universities in the uk!!!
i am very proud of myself and for today... fuck sad thoughts, life is great and i have so much future in front of me...
(and if i wanted to, i could do an MA at oxford or cambridge now. mmmmh...)

as good as i can be; my lovely friends, lots of absurd conversations, cheap cigarettes and lovely coffee. still obsessing, so much, and it's silly; i need to get him out of my head but how can i when everything reminds me of him and i always have this horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach?
i'm still in love. i need something to take my mind off him, even if just for one day, one night... will somebody love me like i deserve to be loved, even if just for one night?

croatia tomorrow. i'm all packed, the itinerary is ready, they will be waiting for me... i'm hoping it won't be as hot as today considering it will be a 12 hour long trip! with 50 minutes to wait in florence (WORST train station ever) and then 2 hours in trieste... god i'll be sweating. i've managed to reduce the amount of clothes i have a lot but i still have loads... meh. and huge suitcase because it's the one i took from london...
i had a very nice conversation with jay today... despite everything i still think he's such a special person and i will always love him to bits. it's really weird all this... but i'll get used to it.
i've just tried on my gap jeans, which were already big on me, and god are they huge now! i definitely have lost quite a lot of weight, on my stomach and on my hips i think, and maybe on my tighs. bwahahah, fit australian surfers get ready for me! (long story, don't worry... lol).
you know what? i'm young and attractive and clever (and modest too of course...) and the fact that my heart's broken can only mean one thing: it's time to have some fun. and i will do, i will do...

i cried in my parents' arms for an hour or two today. i don't think i've done that since i was a child.
i am so fucking unhappy.
i don't want this situation anymore. i need a solution. something to put my mind at rest. whether it's positive or negative. because i am tired of crying and i'm tired of slowly but surely breaking down.

'...and even before she opened her eyes, she was afraid to move, and lay still in the breathless consciousness that she was waking to something wrong.'
(from the little friend by donna tartt)
this quote applies to me so perfectly right now... i wake up really early and i just lie there and i know, i know there is something wrong and i can't change it. and i just want to fall back to sleep again and be able to not think about it, but once i'm awake and once i'm aware of what's wrong that's it. there's no way i'll fall asleep again...
being here with nothing to do i've been reading a lot. the book i quoted up there is really good; even though lately i've been sort of rejecting american books to read british ones, i am enjoying it a lot. i think it's because it's like a children's book with a lot of adult stuff in it... it's extremely well written, and the descriptions of houses and gardens and things like that in particular are very good. poetic.
i've also just read two books by sarah waters, which i really like. the whole victorian lesbians thing is extremely interesting; and she might not write incredibly well but they are easy and entertaining readings.
finally i'm reading possession (i remember seeing the film a couple of years ago and really liking it) by a.s. byatt (thank you giles!) and it's very good too. it's quite obvious that she writes about what she knows, i.e. literary studies in british universties, and sometimes it's a bit hard to follow (especially the letters and poems from the 19th century) but it's fascinating.
if there is one thing i am happy about, is that i've been able to read more now; during my exams it was obviously quite hard since i didn't have the time... to be able to concentrate on books properly is so good.
and this morning i had this crazy idea. i was trying to think about a present for jay's birthday (it's his 21st too, 10 days after mine) and i thought... if we were together... i would have gone up to london just for a few days, booked a nice b&b somewhere by the sea, paid for his petrol, and we could have spent the weekend together, just the two of us, on the beach... i think i'll tell him about it anyway, but what's the point?
dammit. i cannot get over him and i cannot give him up; in my heart i still believe that... he will come back to me. not now, not in a month's time, but next year, when i come back, i'll win him back. he will be mine. i don't care what it takes.
see he was right when he said that i'm relentless...
maybe i am. maybe it's stupid of me.
at the same time his own ambivalence towards me doesn't allow me to think any other way; because he gave me hope first, that this is not it, and now i can't give that up. if he's not in love with me but still believes that this is not the end for us, how can i believe the opposite when i'm in love with him?
to be honest i am tired of thinking about all this; but i have nothing else to think about and so...

i sat in the sun this morning, thinking... mmh, by tonight i'll be a nice colour not this mozzarella type stuff anymore!
result: i've burnt my boobs! :( and stomach, and legs. lol. i'm such an idiot.
after that i fell asleep for like 3 hours which i'm guessing it's normal.
it's so hard to miss someone when you know they don't miss you at all, actually, they're glad to be rid of you in some ways (they only miss you for the way you made them feel about themselves - how ironic).
it's been a month and it still hurts so much. i'm not quite sure when it's going to end and i'm scared that it won't... for a long time.
excuse the teenage angst now that i'm almost 21, but life's a bitch. :)

how do you stop loving someone?
i want it, i want it so bad, so that i can stop feeling this way. but how?

i feel ok at the moment.
we keep talking, on the phone, on msn and via email because he's having a really stressful time at the moment and his friends all seem to be busy doing something else. i long to be a friend to him but it's so hard when at night i'm having nightmares where he's doing stuff with someone else, falling in love with someone else, even just sharing a first kiss with someone else.
i'm trying to define my style... first the hair, now i have more stripey socks, more stripey pants and a boho skirt. i want to become more me, more of an individual. it sounds silly but i feel it's something i need to do for myself, define who i am. i don't know why i think it would help me but... right now everything that makes me feel better is good.
i've been told by quite a few people i've lost weight. my eating habits at the moment are rather erratic so i'm not surprised; i might eat lots one day and very little the next day. i'm not unhappy about it though; i want to feel pretty.
the problem is, right now i do feel pretty but the only person i want to find me pretty is jay; and what sense does it make? he is attracted to me anyway, i know that, that was never the issue, but i feel like if he's attracted to me and he starts liking me as a person again and he's reminded of the intimacy we used to share maybe he'll fall in love with me again...
as you can see i'm not letting go, i'm not giving up, and i'm really not sure it's the best strategy. but what can i do? i don't want to feel even worse than this. i don't want to feel even lonelier.
i crave his body next to mine when i sleep. is it silly that sleeping next to him is one of the things i miss the most? that feeling was so wonderful, his warm body hugging mine from behind, under the duvet, just the two of us naked, close, breathing together. every time i've slept next to him i've woken up with a smile. i miss it. i miss it so much dammit.
i can't wait to be in croatia and see my darlings, jana&ana&everybody else. i need coffee, cheap cigarettes, a lot of weird conversations... i can't believe it's been almost a year since i've seen all of them. i'll be there on the 27th, without a doubt and staying for a couple of weeks... then back to paris for a few days, and london with carole and graduation... and then god knows.
living life day by day, week by week. time is going so slowly.
i desperately want to feel better.

...and thus she was reborn as a brunette!
i'm not sure is the colour the suits me the most but i hadn't tried it so far so. and i love, LOVE the haircut! it's very pixie like, with long ends at the front and short at the back (i'd wanted it for a long time!). all done by the local hairdresser for 30 euros... one thing's for sure, i'll be back. :)

i try to hate him. it lasts for a couple of hours and then... it's back to the sadness and depression and feeling rejected and horrible.
i don't know what to do anymore. is this not normal anymore? should i be worried? i am tired of feeling this way...

i hate him.
he's a two-faced, lying, immature, fickle, undecisive, childish, cold, emotionless prick. he never deserved my time and my tears and does even less now.
i am a big ball of hatred and disgust and anger.
i feel like a mug because he has used me as he pleased and now he doesn't need me anymore and i've become too much of a burden he's thrown me away.
fuck you then.
(i know being bitter isn't nice but fuck it. i don't care anymore. i. hate. jay.)

i still love you and care about you so much. i'm hoping that by being here for you all the time... you'll realise the mistake you're making.
but then i don't even know what i want to happen anymore and even if it did... would i be happy? this sense of betrayal and rejection is here to stay and i can't get rid of it.
i'm not sure what i'm trying to do and what i'm trying to obtain; i only know that i don't want to give up because... well if the last four weeks have been so shit how much shittier will it get when i do give up? i'm scared of my feelings...
weather here is ok, not warm enough for the swimming pool though. i've been sitting around reading and that's it.
what irritates me is that at the moment i feel so pretty and clever and special, but what good is that when he doesn't want me? when he says that there was nothing wrong with the relationship but he still didn't want it?
things going round and round my head. it never stops, new doubts all the time, new things i'd like to understand. i'm not as desperate as i was a couple of weeks ago but i'm still falling apart inside and it hurts so damn much.
if only i could understand...

plane yesterday was 1.5 hours late. stupid ryanair.
this is definitely NO bikini weather. sunny but freezing cold.
and remember, i'm only biding my time...
last night i was all on my own and crying again.
i miss him.

it was lovely, for a number of reasons. we ended up doing naughty things which we shouldn't have done but by that point i just had to!!! *lol* we talked a lot. all the things i'd thought about were true. the conclusion was basically that the relationship itself had nothing wrong with it; it was just the wrong time, wrong situation. jay said he does have feelings for me, maybe love maybe not, he cares about me a lot, he fancies me a lot, he likes me a lot. but he wasn't ready for that sort of commitment i was looking for... which i guess for my age is a bit too much.
so the conclusion? we'll go off. do our own thing. still talk and be friends. see what the situation is when i come back next year. in some ways i know i've opened myself up to a lot more hurting this way; he admitted himself that he is being selfish and immature. but maybe... maybe... all this will pay off.
i'd rather have an open ending that a sure conclusion. maybe i'm silly?

what am i going to tell him when i see him today? that i'm still in love with him? that i want to be with him? he already knows, and what good will that do?
i just cannot believe that there's nothing i can do, nothing i can save. i want him so bad and there's nothing i can do about it. i have to let go even though it's the thing i want the least in the world. i just can't do it. i can't let go.
i don't know what i'm expecting tonight. maybe i'm still expecting he will see me and realise he's in love with me. but how...? how can i think that when i know it will never happen? how can i expect him to make me happy when i know he doesn't want to?
i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of feeling this way. i wish someone could save me from this pit of misery because i just can't take it anymore. if he won't save me, who will?

at my brother's house. i feel slightly out of place; everything's a bit too posh, a bit too... don't know, NICE. lol. but yeah it's weird.
leaving the flat was just so bizarre. i was sitting there on my own waiting for my brother and it was so... heart breaking. another year ago and this is it. all of it is gone. i won't be living with sophie and paul again, i won't be going out with jay again, i won't be going to SOAS again. it's all too much you know. all of it.
i'm just not feeling up for it. i want to go home. i can't wait for wednesday, be out of here.

in a couple of hours, i'll be out of here forever.
it feels weird, rushed...
it's all over now i guess?

i hate everything about this moment in time. i hate the way i feel. what i've lost, what i'm leaving behind... i don't want any of this. i want to go back to a year ago.
i just don't want this at all. i'd do anything to have everything back because this is so damn fucking horrible.
i want to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. just not this. not this.

moving all of my stuff out tomorrow. i've organised it all, have my storage space reserved. i've thrown out so much stuff and it feels very good. even though i still have lots left. :) i've only kept the things i'm really attached to or i really like. everything else is going... from clothes to shoes to pots to glasses to rugs... thank god because otherwise i would just have too much. i still have 6 boxes, three suitcases and probably a couple of bags with duvets, lamps, etc.
last night i went into complete overdrive and was sitting in my room crying with sophie and paul talking to me until i felt better... it keeps getting better and then worse. i'm tired of this rollercoaster of emotions, because they're all negative and as bad as each other. jay is getting pissed off with me and i understand him, because at the end of the day he did break up with me. but i know that next week i'm going probably for a long time (7, 8 months?) and that's making it so much harder.
i don't think i can express the way i feel with words because i don't really know how i feel... all of this happening together, end of uni, leaving this place, breaking up with jay. it's weird. i thought i would start my new life next year with someone next to me and that made it a lot less scary, but now that security is gone. i need to get used to it and it's becoming harder and harder.
i will never regret having fallen in love with jay and putting so much trust in him. i will never regret doing as much as i did for him. i will never regret any of it. but this is so horrible and so painful, and i hate the fact that i'm not just going to get over it overnight.
it will happen at some point eh?

jay is going to give me that drawing he made of me naked (back in september of last year... it seems like yesterday dammit) and i'm going to get it framed. i want to keep all the good memories forever and i'm trying really hard to get over all of the bad stuff and just let go.
but what are you supposed to do when suddendly being in love with someone goes from being the best thing in the world to being considered wrong by everybody?
i just don't understand how this happened all of a sudden. i guess it was sudden for me but not for him. and i keep questioning myself: how did i not notice? is there something i could have done?
i need to blame myself because i refuse to believe that it was doomed from the start, that it was never meant to happen. i've given too much to think that way and it just hurts. because no matter what everybody says, i've loved him so much and so deeply and won't accept that the intimacy that we had was not meant to be in some way.
i'd rather think that something went wrong along the way because of our mistakes than think that it would never have worked out anyway.
(i apologise if this blog has become somewhat mono-thematic, but you know... my whole life is mono-thematic at the moment. someone said to me, the second week is the worse. but i feel like i'm slowly coming out of it. so soon i'll be talking about other things as well, don't worry...!)

so, greg passed the musical baton to me... let's go. :)
total volume of music files on my computer:
8.18 GB, but i've got around 20 GB on my ipod. still A LOT less than you greg. ;)
the last cd i bought was:
i literally have no idea. i haven't bought a cd in months if not years. maybe elisa, tramonti a nord ovest?
song playing right now:
floraline ~ just the way
five songs i listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
1. madness ~ it must be love
2. the shins ~ caring is creepy
3. frou frou ~ let go
4. massive attack ~ teardrop
5. tracy chapman ~ fast car
and guess what? it's all music i've listened to with jay. guess i'm biased at the moment. :)
five people to whom i'm passing the musical baton:
i have no idea! basically, if you want to do it, just do it. ;)

i'm still upset, of course.
i don't know what to think anymore. i just can't seem to let go and i keep hoping and hoping. continually checking old conversations and old emails and whatnot... feel like crying each time i think about it all hard enough.
today i met up with a girl i used to go to school with years ago, anna. it was slightly surreal and very interesting. she's kept in contact with so many people i didn't even remember existed, and it was nice to hear how they're getting on. talking about random things, london, sex, music, cinema and whatnot. it's weird to find someone you share a past with and suddenly you've both changed so much. it seems so long since i was at school...
my room is almost completely packed. the only things left to put away are clothes, duvet and a few bits here and there. i've decided to get rid of a lot of stuff, so i'm leaving lots here and i have prepared two big bin bags for the charity shop. first time in my life i actually get rid of stuff like this... it feels good. :)
i'm looking for a new start, you know. god knows if i'll have one. i feel so confused and upset still.
i still eat little and sleep little. feel like i haven't slept properly in weeks... dammit.
next week i'll be home... away from all of this. it's going to be so weird.

i wake up every morning around 6 or 7 and cry.
i'm so tired. physically and mentally. i don't really know what to do with myself. i really just want to go to sleep and sleep forever.
i need to move out by the end of the week. in a week's time, i'm going to be leaving london for a long time. i'll only be back for a few days for graduation and then probably not again until 2006. this is all so scary and it's just the wrong moment for me to feel this lonely.
how do you cope with losing your best friend? not being able to tell that person everything that's happening to you? i can't do it. it's driving me insane.