'...and even before she opened her eyes, she was afraid to move, and lay still in the breathless consciousness that she was waking to something wrong.'
(from the little friend by donna tartt)
this quote applies to me so perfectly right now... i wake up really early and i just lie there and i know, i know there is something wrong and i can't change it. and i just want to fall back to sleep again and be able to not think about it, but once i'm awake and once i'm aware of what's wrong that's it. there's no way i'll fall asleep again...
being here with nothing to do i've been reading a lot. the book i quoted up there is really good; even though lately i've been sort of rejecting american books to read british ones, i am enjoying it a lot. i think it's because it's like a children's book with a lot of adult stuff in it... it's extremely well written, and the descriptions of houses and gardens and things like that in particular are very good. poetic.
i've also just read two books by sarah waters, which i really like. the whole victorian lesbians thing is extremely interesting; and she might not write incredibly well but they are easy and entertaining readings.
finally i'm reading possession (i remember seeing the film a couple of years ago and really liking it) by a.s. byatt (thank you giles!) and it's very good too. it's quite obvious that she writes about what she knows, i.e. literary studies in british universties, and sometimes it's a bit hard to follow (especially the letters and poems from the 19th century) but it's fascinating.
if there is one thing i am happy about, is that i've been able to read more now; during my exams it was obviously quite hard since i didn't have the time... to be able to concentrate on books properly is so good.
and this morning i had this crazy idea. i was trying to think about a present for jay's birthday (it's his 21st too, 10 days after mine) and i thought... if we were together... i would have gone up to london just for a few days, booked a nice b&b somewhere by the sea, paid for his petrol, and we could have spent the weekend together, just the two of us, on the beach... i think i'll tell him about it anyway, but what's the point?
dammit. i cannot get over him and i cannot give him up; in my heart i still believe that... he will come back to me. not now, not in a month's time, but next year, when i come back, i'll win him back. he will be mine. i don't care what it takes.
see he was right when he said that i'm relentless...
maybe i am. maybe it's stupid of me.
at the same time his own ambivalence towards me doesn't allow me to think any other way; because he gave me hope first, that this is not it, and now i can't give that up. if he's not in love with me but still believes that this is not the end for us, how can i believe the opposite when i'm in love with him?
to be honest i am tired of thinking about all this; but i have nothing else to think about and so...