i feel ok at the moment.
we keep talking, on the phone, on msn and via email because he's having a really stressful time at the moment and his friends all seem to be busy doing something else. i long to be a friend to him but it's so hard when at night i'm having nightmares where he's doing stuff with someone else, falling in love with someone else, even just sharing a first kiss with someone else.
i'm trying to define my style... first the hair, now i have more stripey socks, more stripey pants and a boho skirt. i want to become more me, more of an individual. it sounds silly but i feel it's something i need to do for myself, define who i am. i don't know why i think it would help me but... right now everything that makes me feel better is good.
i've been told by quite a few people i've lost weight. my eating habits at the moment are rather erratic so i'm not surprised; i might eat lots one day and very little the next day. i'm not unhappy about it though; i want to feel pretty.
the problem is, right now i do feel pretty but the only person i want to find me pretty is jay; and what sense does it make? he is attracted to me anyway, i know that, that was never the issue, but i feel like if he's attracted to me and he starts liking me as a person again and he's reminded of the intimacy we used to share maybe he'll fall in love with me again...
as you can see i'm not letting go, i'm not giving up, and i'm really not sure it's the best strategy. but what can i do? i don't want to feel even worse than this. i don't want to feel even lonelier.
i crave his body next to mine when i sleep. is it silly that sleeping next to him is one of the things i miss the most? that feeling was so wonderful, his warm body hugging mine from behind, under the duvet, just the two of us naked, close, breathing together. every time i've slept next to him i've woken up with a smile. i miss it. i miss it so much dammit.
i can't wait to be in croatia and see my darlings, jana&ana&everybody else. i need coffee, cheap cigarettes, a lot of weird conversations... i can't believe it's been almost a year since i've seen all of them. i'll be there on the 27th, without a doubt and staying for a couple of weeks... then back to paris for a few days, and london with carole and graduation... and then god knows.
living life day by day, week by week. time is going so slowly.
i desperately want to feel better.