i still love you and care about you so much. i'm hoping that by being here for you all the time... you'll realise the mistake you're making.
but then i don't even know what i want to happen anymore and even if it did... would i be happy? this sense of betrayal and rejection is here to stay and i can't get rid of it.
i'm not sure what i'm trying to do and what i'm trying to obtain; i only know that i don't want to give up because... well if the last four weeks have been so shit how much shittier will it get when i do give up? i'm scared of my feelings...
weather here is ok, not warm enough for the swimming pool though. i've been sitting around reading and that's it.
what irritates me is that at the moment i feel so pretty and clever and special, but what good is that when he doesn't want me? when he says that there was nothing wrong with the relationship but he still didn't want it?
things going round and round my head. it never stops, new doubts all the time, new things i'd like to understand. i'm not as desperate as i was a couple of weeks ago but i'm still falling apart inside and it hurts so damn much.
if only i could understand...