July 2005 Archives

je suis encore ici, encore et encore...
and if it makes me happy why not? i feel relaxed... chilling out... and he makes some damn good caipirinha. even though i drink it slowly. aaaah. life is great.

thursday night; msn conversation with a certain mister... and i find myself going to a house i don't know at 1 o'clock in the morning, having filthy conversations with two people i don't really know... two days later and i'm about to leave and i'm relaxed and yes, happy, cause it's all worth it again. i've chilled out, i feel good about myself but most of all i've found someone i can talk to and just feel comfortable with... in all of the weirdness of the situation, weird as it always is... but something really good came out of it so...
thank you giles. that's all i have to say. these two days have been... fucking lovely actually. i wish i didn't have to go but then that's the point of it, you gave me what i needed for just long enough and now i'll go back to doing what i have to do with a huge grin on my face!
why is it that these things always come out sounding cheesy? :)

in scotland at the moment. i left london yesterday morning, just in time basically. stupid bombings. i really don't wanna go back next week.
graduation was great. can't believe i'm a graduate now. i was wearing the whole gown thing and heels, and i didn't trip and embarass myself in front of the whole uni, wow. :) it was fun.
as for meeting jay... i knew it was a bad idea, i just didn't know how bad. i love him and i hate him. i adore him and i despise him. i want him and i wish i never spoke to him again. i feel like i'm back to square one... fck. i can't be bothered anymore.
i am so tired of all this. i want to enjoy myself because it's my right, this is my summer, i am free, i am young, i have a bright future in front of me. all ruined by some stupid guy who doesn't deserve me. doesn't even deserve me talking to him. and still... i can't give up. even though i know i am so much better than him in so many ways.
i'm so bored of this.

back in london. it's very hot and very sticky. but i'm staying with carole which is lovely and learning more about the student ways than i've done in the last three years.
my throat hurts again. i just hope it's not the stupid infection! i don't want to be in bed with a temperature for two days! :(
saw sameen last night; coffee (well juice for me) and then pizza for which he paid (did i thank you?!? i hope i did). it's nice to see people again, and talk, and feel... like i really do have a life here. my friends. my city.
also saw susanna before she left for china, and learnt about the annoying italians in dinwiddy (long story). i even spoke to one of the security guards from my first year and it turns out, he's actually a nice guy. lol. i just remember him being a bit nasty back then!!!
what else? i think that's it; i need to go up to angel to buy a simcard and reconnect myself to the world, phone all sorts of people... find out where i'll be staying after graduation. i've changed my ticket so i'll be around the 2nd of august (!!). i just hope i'll find something to do. i'm seriously thinking about going to scotland to see kirsty...
yesterday, on the train, for the first time in three years, i wasn't excited about coming back here. too many bad memories. i hate what this breakup has done to me - made me sad about coming back to the city of my dreams... and that made me realise how much this has affected me. how much. it'll take me a long time to feel normal again. at the same time, i know, or at least i think i know, i'll come out as a much stronger person. weirdly enough, i actually have never had such a high opinion of myself as right now. it's a combination of my first, feeling interesting, and feeling pretty. something i've always wanted but... there is still this feeling, in my stomach, like there's always something wrong.
something's wrong and i can't change it. that pisses me off. i need to get what i want.

london tomorrow afternoon. i can't wait. i've missed it so much.
and so, the plan for the next couple of weeks... go out, party, get drunk, get silly, laugh, spend time with my friends, kiss random guys and just thoroughly enjoy myself...
the city of my dreams. always and forever. i feel excited every single time i go back, no matter under what circumstances...

so. i'm here and not there anymore; which means i am in paris right now and not in rijeka anymore... it also means i'm going to london on tuesday.
i had the trip from hell back from croatia, my flight was delayed by two hours and i was stuck inside venice airport (the nice one thank god) with some weird south american tourists and lots of annoying northern italians. when i got home at 11 i just went into overdrive and it's taken me a day to recover, a day full of random bouts of crying and wailing and whatnot. i am so fcking sick and tired of the way i feel.
but i have found a good way to make myself feel better... dear old shopping! i never realised how good it was until now. so while in rijeka i bought two tops and one miniskirt; today i've bought two bags (green, as usual), a pair of jeans, a top and a belt. my mum has also bought me an outfit for my graduation ceremony, a very pretty dress with shoes all from mango. but monday i need to look for something to put on top... mmmh. we'll see. more shopping, here i come!
it really irritates me that i've lost lots of weight and therefore are very skinny and attractive (and modest), i still feel like the only person i want to find me attractive is jay. and now, that is just stupid isn't it? basically... i need to go out and pull some wonderful stranger i guess.
i can't wait for my graduation ceremony, and the moment when i'll be given that damned piece of paper saying that i now have a first class BA in development studies and south east asian studies. land of the free, here i come!
finally, i was shocked by what happened in london. as soon as i found out i was panicking and trying to think of everybody i know... but it seems like everybody is ok. it's all so weird to hear about these things. i wonder how london will be when i get there tuesday...
you need to download letting the cables sleep (n.o.w. remix) by bush. it's the best song ever. :)
you in the dark
you in the pain
you on the run
living a hell
living your ghost
living your end
never seem to get in the place that i belong
don't wanna lose the time
lose the time to come
whatever you say it's alright
whatever you do it's all good
whatever you say it's alright...

it all started during josipa lisac.
opatija has very nice, very hidden away benches.
i ended up dotting on one of them. with a vampire from transilvania.
i'll leave you to guess what all that means...
surnames aren't important.