August 2005 Archives

london soon, very soon, and i can't wait.
being here on my own brings on too much thinking, crying and being nostalgic. it's just not right - i've got too much to look forward to...
so, friday, i will be in stansted, kissing you, and then... so much we need to do... :)
i also plan on seeing all of my mates one last time, maybe go out... and another zillion things.
my city, my dream, i'm coming home again...

happy birthday jay.
"how we convince ourselves: we are the treasure no one has found, the angels nobody has seen. but now we need to grow up, be more honest. accept that we are on our own. no one has the duty to love us. if someone we love will love us back, it won't be our right but a rare and unforeseeable gift".
marco mancassola, il mondo senza di me
i'm liking this book a lot; it's about 21 year olds who listen to the same music i listen to, go to the same sort of places i go to on a saturday night, go through the same sort of problems... i've already written down so many quotes on my little moleskin.
so here i am, on my own again. everybody has gone; jana was the last one to leave yesterday and it feels weird to think that i won't see any of those guys again until probably next year. my friends... i love you all.
so here is my last proper week of summer. i will be leaving for london on the 2nd of september. i have so much stuff to do out there, sort out applications for my MAs (oxford, sussex, soas), move my stuff out of storage and somewhere else, and well... spend time with my friends... and giles... i can't wait. i miss london, even though this morning i realised how hard it will be for me to be there. too many memories, and not just because of jay, because of everything else that has ended. the place is too heavy in memories, i think there will be an overload, and i'll probably burst out crying somewhere weird at some point - but sadness... sadness i can cope with. melancholy. it's who i am - one of my profiles on the internet says: nostalgia makes me cry more than anything else. i think that's the first thing i can say about myself. maybe it's silly, how i'm geared towards the past, but i'm not really.
enjoy the present, and i am enjoying it, i am happy. sad but happy, if that makes any sense.
(and how can i not end with the usual contradiction?)

i'm not angry. i don't hate. i don't want to hurt and i don't want to be hurt again... i want things to be ok. i want us to move on. we'll be ok...
life is good and lazy at the moment, in tuscany with jana and daniel... we've planned a little trip to perugia on tuesday... other than that, no plans.
i need to decide whether i'm gonna go to london from here or from paris; i've realised i've left some things in paris (including my uk simcard) which is a bit of a problem, but we'll see. i need to work out flights and stuff. which i might do right now...
ooooh the laziness is nice. and sudoku is so damn addictive.
can't wait for my birthday surprise from giles in london... the whole thing is getting veeeery intriguing. mmmmh. :)

there's nothing in the world that sounds more boring to me than feeding ducks. ah ah ah.
oh well...
and a year ago exactly, this is what was said about me:
"i met her and my life has changed. she has made me a better person. she has nurtured my growth. she has encouraged, inspired, driven me. she is the reason i held on. the reason i didn't despair. the reason i am where i am both spiritually and physically. she is all i hoped for, she is a real woman. she is brave, she is intelligent, she is a true and wonderful friend. she makes me smile, she makes me really smile. she loves unconditionally, she does unconditionally, she is unconditional. she is beautiful, she has a beautiful soul, she has a beautiful voice. she makes me feel wanted, needed, loved, intelligent, gifted and unique. she is incredible."
how things change in a year... the only thing you really ever understood about me... i am unconditional, and i've forgotten about it, and fuck this, i'll never compromise again. i need and deserve only the best, and i'll prove it, i'll make my life into what i want it to be... with the people who respect me and love me, these people i've been talking to and spending time with in the last three months, all of you... loving unconditionally, all of you, is what i have to do.
i always end up coming to the same thing, my friends, my family... you are the people i need to be thankful for. the last three months have been at the same time the worst and the best of my life. at the end of the day, this is what i am, a huge contradiction, and i needed to feel the lowest i've ever felt to realise that i have everything going for me. this has been such a huge lesson... i won't forget, and i'm sorry but i won't forgive either. i feel stronger, much stronger than i've ever been, despite my crises, my crying attacks, despite everything. i know who i am and i love myself. i will never let anyone make me feel like i'm not worth the effort ever again.
so much love, so much affection. so many people i have talked to, so many people who have told me that this was just so wrong, that i deserve better, so many people, so many...
i will never dedicate all of my love and all of my attention to just one person; it needs to be spread, the vanina love... lol. the friendships i've built on in the last few months, that already existed or were just created, those, i will have forever, and they will always mean so much to me.
and after my little digression, to my life... i'm still in italy... sophie and paul were here for a couple of days, which made me so happy... and then jana, banana, goran, daniel... i've had such a great time, the best birthday ever, the birthday i always wanted, with so many of the people i care about around me...
(and jana just walked to where i am sitting and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and i went 'ooooh!' and i am happy, so happy)
i have so many memories, and so excited about... applying for MAs, and yes of course seeing my english mister soon, and then, and then! travelling! i can't wait, i'm finally getting excited, scared but excited, i want to start buying the things i will need, i want to plan everything, i can't wait! it'll be such a great experience...
and finally, cortona today, wearing tops my mum wore in the 60s and 70s and 80s, looking around, having coffee on the piazza, with little notebooks and dedications, sun and focaccia with ricotta and spinaci... a train station and a huge hankerchief... banano! gorane! i will miss you so much.
i'm in love with my life.
i am happy.
p.s. everybody should download i'm not a virgin by poe. it's the best song EVER!!! XD

i am now 21 and feel no different from yesterday. :)
i am officially an adult, a twentysomething, and can drink everywhere in the world. wooohooo the excitement... not really. lol.
the last few days have been so incredibly lovely, i can't even describe it. having my friends here... and just chilling out, talking, saying silly things, laughing a lot, taking a lot of pictures... it's so good. i am truly happy...
but still, i'm feeling frustrated... as usual. :) missing my english mister, you know?

i've been in croatia for two days... and have already been drunk twice!!!
the day i got here... after a hellish 14 hour long trip, we decided to go to goran's party where i got massively drunk by downing glass after glass of bambus, i.e. red wine & coke. that lasted until 3 o'clock at which point we went to opatija to see ana's friends and danced around to house music for a couple of hours. i still don't know how i was still alive, but i'm quite proud of the fact that i didn't sleep for a whole 24 hours! :P
so then yesterday i got up at 4.30 (in the afternoon, yes, a digrace, i know!!!) and went for a lovely chinese meal... it was freezing cold and i was wearing a miniskirt, i'm becoming obsessed, i don't want to wear anything else... :) went grocery shopping, running around the supermarket with a trolley, oh the fun times! came home, i got incredibly pissed off when someone left me a comment which they shouldn't have left - don't worry, it's been promptly deleted. finally went to viva, the best cafe with the best coffee around!!! sat around and talked, then came home with lea & matea to play some dice drinking game... where my number never came up so i just decided to have a huge shot everz time it did. :) so now they think i-m an alcoholic. *sigh*
and here i am today, just got up... the plan today is... a barbecue at yasmin's house, where i'm sure i will get drunk again. ooooh life is fun. XD

i woke up this morning with a very nice surprise... my very own english mister at my doorstep!!! yep, here in paris... weird isn't it... how fate makes two people's paths cross...
but i'm being silly now. it was, indeed, a lovely surprise, that has put a huge grin on my face, now i'm ready! ready! to go to croatia, spend my days on the beach and drink a lot of coffee... it seems like coffee is becoming the main thing in my life, lol. one thing's for sure, a lot of the people i know and like drink a lot of coffee. makes for nice conversations... either that or g&t!!!
i'm so completely satisfied with life, despite having no clear plans, no clear aim... maybe it's just because of that? the only thing i care about right now is to see people, have fun, enjoy myself, without worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow... talk to people, and share my life with as many people as i can.
it's sort of weird that i needed to go through a breakup so painful to realise it, but you know what... i'm happy now, and that's all that matters. i want to live my life to the full, and i don't have time for people who don't appreciate me for who i am and what i do. i only deserve the best, and excuse me if i'm not being modest...
i want to... dance, dance, dance! go out and have fun... go crazy... i haven't had this much energy since god knows when... think the sex is helping???
have fun people, have fun.

god this is becoming stressful. i need to stay in one place for more than a week, seriously. back in paris now... in the last two months i have been to 5 countries and slept in 10 different houses or something like that... my favourite one being the last one. :)
so. after three weeks in the uk... i've had such a fantastic time. considering i was really freaking out about going, it's turned out to be so good... staying at carole's house and experiencing the student life for the first time. going out and partying with my best friends. going to the cinema and meeting for coffee with sameen. scotland and spending time with kirsty... dancing to 70s music feeling alive and happy. going to a stranger's house in the middle of the night in london. and finally spending 5 lovely lovely days with giles, really chilling out and enjoying myself and talking and... well, you know.
i think i can say... for the first time in two months... i actually feel well. satisfied. it's like... i know now... all the possibilities that are opening up for me, so many things i'm going to do in the next year, so many people i'm going to meet, so many friends i can count on. i can't complain about my life; even though i love whingeing, i have so much going for me... i needed someone new in my life to realise that, which is silly, but i feel very lucky that i've met that someone new. and i am grateful, so fucking grateful.
despite my hang ups and my over complications, i'm going to enjoy this. i'm going to... take advantage of what life has to offer me.
once again i'm getting pissed off that i can't translate 'ti voglio bene' in english. i care about you...? mmmh. i guess that's more or less it...