Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha, don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Don't cha, don't cha...
yes, yes, i love this song, what can i do? it makes me want to shake my bum and show the world just how good i can be... god i've got a big head today. :)
i'm back in paris, for the... 3rd time this summer, well it's not summer anymore... but it's also the last time... sitting here with my cup of nescafe (what a disgrace! but the put-the-milk-in-first trick works!) and a cigarette (which i shouldn't be smoking in my room... ops). i'm not sad. i'm not depressed. i'm happy with i have and what is coming. scared maybe, a bit, but happy. what an achievement... and i can't help but think that the reason i am like this all comes down to this summer, everything's that's happened to me; from breaking up with jay to graduating to spending a crazy time with my friends to, of course, meeting giles. and again i'm going to be big headed and say that i think i've grown up a lot or at least understood a lot of stuff.
but one thing at a time: the last two weeks. i haven't written much, i know, but that's because when you're in the deep of things you can't see them clearly... so what did i do in london?
the highlight has to be my birthday surprise; which wasn't entirely a surprise ('we should go to the h... FUCK!' lol baby, don't worry, i'm just taking the piss) but was amazing nonetheless. i wish giles had taken a picture of me as the cab pulled up to the hotel because i'd like to see the expression on my face; in my head i was thinking, i can't believe someone would do this for me! and then i dressed up for probably only the second time in my life (the first one being my graduation!), a pretty skirt and white heels and a white top, and as we were walking around piccadilly holding hands, i felt... sexy and chic and whatever you want to call it, and i felt like we must have looked fucking good together. then we went to this posh old gentlemen's club (i need to put pictures up! damn!) and had cocktails and a magnum of champagne (!!!). one of giles' friends, nick, came along, and there was much talking of women and men and god knows what else. we then moved to another bar on shaftesbury avenue, proceded to have more cocktails and after nick left we talked for hours, just the two of us, about anything and everything, and i realised how fucking lucky i am in the way i meet people... and then we went back to the hotel... in the morning i was so hungover i wore sunglasses to the breakfast room, lol. the whole thing made me feel so damn special, you have no idea. and i didn't feel out of place at all, like i used to when i went to posh clubs in my first year, i felt like i was where i was supposed to, and i also... wait for the cheesiness... felt very glamorous. :)
so the beginning of my stay in london with giles couldn't have been any more perfect. :) after that... we spent almost every second of every day together; we went to the cinema (do see crash but avoid cinderella man), watched films at home (i'm almost into martial arts films now... lol), went out and got drunk a couple of times (and i dressed up every time, i can wear heels! i can wear heels! what a discovery), stayed in a got drunk a couple of times (with giles' housemate and his australian fiance, which was hilarious), had A LOT of thai food, and i had coffee and food constantly prepared for me. there wasn't a moment i was bored, i just had such a great time.
see, if this had been a year ago, i would have got so carried away. i still could have done, and i make no secret of the fact that, god, i could fall for giles, i even want to, to a certain extent. but i'm happy with this - meeting someone i really get along with, someone i can talk to so much and spend so much time with, have a great time and great sex (:p) and now... i feel ready for the next step, the next big thing. i know he's out there and i can talk to him, i know he'll be there when i get back, whatever the situation will be. how weird, to realise that i can be attached to someone and still be free. it's not just something i need but something i wanted without knowing it. i'm not going to lie, i have my own issues with the whole thing (damn jealousy!) but i can cope with them, and i will do. i won't let my head fuck up anything.
when i left yesterday, i thought i was going to be incredibly sad, i thought i was going to cry.
i didn't. as the train left london, i thought about how i'm not going to be back for a long time, six months or more, and then i realised, but i will be back. so i left with a smile on my face (and everybody else on the train must have thought i was crazy! lol), happy in the knowledge that my life is out there, and i won't disappear even if i leave for a bit. london is my home and always will be...
and my last comment for today will be: fuck insecurity. i am young, i am free, i am sexy, i am intelligent, i'm not scared of anything. this is it. this is my life and you know what? i fucking love it.
merci mon cheri. know that i can't wait for the day i'll see you again and hear you calling me sweetie again and give you the biggest hug, but i won't let that stop me from enjoying what is going to happen to me in the next six months; you're special to me, so incredibly special, and i want you to know that. you have made me so happy.