October 2005 Archives

...is wonderful.
i'm loving it. it's big, it's modern, it's tropical, it's chaotic and so so so fascinating.
tomorrow i'm heading down to ko pha ngan. party here i come!

i dreamt i missed my flight.
obviously.
but i'm not missing it.
will be saying hello from bangkok soon, very soon!
(and yes, i'm still terrified but acting like nothing's happening, it works, i swear!)

i am absolutely terrified.
more tomorrow morning.
as in: more panic tomorrow morning when i'll be about to leave.
X( XO XD
(argh ooooh yay! my mood at the moment, i.e. confused)

...it's really time i updated properly, because guess what, at 13.50 on sunday i will be on a flight leaving paris and going to bangkok! and i'm scared and excited and don't feel ready at all but then i'm as ready as i can be.
my backpack's done (and it weighs too much, even if it's only 12 or 13 kgs), i've bought insurance, someone is booking my hotel in bangkok, i've sent an email to the people in ko pha ngan for the hotel there... the whole thing is planned out... i can't believe i'm going, finally, i wish i had a week at home to prepare psychologically, but then that would probably drive me crazy!!!
i don't know what to write, what to say, all of these things i could say, to them, to you, to him, and once again... i'm being cryptic but...
and see, i'm doing it, despite you, everything you did to me and all of the tears, and for once i'm proud of myself, and i'm grateful to all of them, the people who love me, and to him, because he has listened to me like you never have done. i'm bitter still, but fuck you, i've moved on. this is gonna be so amazing, and guess what, you'll never experience it and YOU'LL NEVER EXPERIENCE ME, and how great i can be, ever again.
i'm taking the power back.
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay a while
and she will be loved...

so, my five days in london have gone already. there was kissing, and hugging, and eating thai food, and getting drunk, and freaking out, and saying goodbye. one of those bittersweet occasions... yesterday as i was waiting for my (delayed) flight in luton i felt so spaced out, like i was floating around, and for four or five hours i literally didn't think. of anything. because i think that if i had i would have been crying for most of it.
(btw, here are pictures from liz's bday party!)
i am scared, extremely scared. but as ready as i'll ever be.
this week, strasburg to spend time with my mum. and saturday i'll leave, and two hours before i left (lol) i will be in bangkok, thailand. a couple of days there, then the beach in the south of thailand, then malaysia, and by the 8th of november i'll be in sigli, northern sumatra, indonesia.
so i have a couple of busy weeks ahead of me... and then a busy few months on the other side of the world...
to be honest, i'm still spaced out. i haven't quite realised it yet... and i don't think i will until i'm there, backpack and all.

leaving for london tomorrow morning, at the stupidly early time of 7.16 (which means getting up at 5.45, damn), but it's all worth it right? at 9 o'clock i'll be coming out of the eurostar thingy and kissing you! and it's only the second time ever someone comes to pick me up from the station! :p
still listening to john mayer and the flaming lips a lot. my two new loves. :) why do i always obsess over a couple of albums and only listen to those over and over again? i'm listening to other stuff as well though - i have discovered rilo kiley, emiliana torrini, the dears, k.t. tunstall... and i can recommend them all!
if there is something i've really started doing in the last couple of years is building myself a culture in these sort of things, music, films... but i've still got a long way to go, i'm missing too many classics! it's a shame, i know so little of both the english and the italian classics, music from the 50s, 60s and 70s. sometimes i think i didn't really have a culture growing up, there's so much stuff i missed because of moving and different schools. not that i regret it, but i do think, one day, i don't want my kids to move around like i did. travel, yes, and go to lots of different places, but grow up in one place. have a hometown. i always find it confusing when i'm asked what my hometown is, and in a lot of ways i think i'd find it very reassuring to have one. i don't really consider rome anything but the place i spent 10 years in that i don't really remember, i hated paris too much when i was living here to feel any sort of affection for it, and i feel at home in london like nowhere else but can't call it home because i haven't been living there long enough... i don't know, it doesn't confuse me (doesn't make me an asshole like certain people i know...!) not to have one place to call home, it only sort of... makes me nostalgic for something i've never had.
lol, i've started talking about rubbish again. it's funny, i never plan my entries so i always end up talking about completely random stuff. it's liberating though.
speaking of liberating, refreshing, and just plain nice, i can't wait for tomorrow! the white white loft! i'm coming! and seeing sameen tomorrow, probably, and sophie wednesday, and then all of my friends on friday night... it's gonna be great. i'm bringing way too many clothes as usual, but fuck it, i don't have to carry my suitcase around too much so i'll be ok. :)
yesterday was a down, today is upward, and tomorrow is going to be such an up...
sometimes i get tired of this rollercoaster, but hey, i can't change it, so i might as well enjoy the good stuff when it comes along. my new motto?

just spent 2 days in milan, my job in indonesia is sorted out! i have signed a contract, been scared to death, warned about all the dangers i will encounter, etc. etc. i am inbetween being completely terrified and super excited.
too much stuff and i'm not quite sure i should go into details... but basically i'll be in the pidie district, northen sumatra, indonesia for 6-8 weeks starting in mid november and being basically the press officer (under the project manager's supervision) for the NGO with both the indonesian and international press, plus groups of people from the UN and the italian ministry of foreign affairs. it sounds like a lot of work but extremely interesting and if it all works out fine it will be an absolutely amazing experience...
other than that, i've met up with two ex classmates and cat, which was all a lot of fun, and am now with my aunt in turin, waiting to go back to paris tomorrow or the day after.
stuff is coming together. it's scary but good. and then next week... paris, and my english mister, and my friends. mmmh. life is sweet. :)
p.s. thanks to everybody who left a comment! it's nice to get comments. XD

favourite song of the day: a lack of color, death cab for cutie. soooo beautiful. gotta love death cab (as seth would say... argh, i'm becoming a geek! references from the o.c., that's sad!).
i only have to get two vaccinations done, which is scary enough... needles. :( but after that, i'll be up to date with all sorts of things, which is good cause it's something i haven't really done... ever. erm. i have also realised that half of my backpack will be filled with anti-vomiting pills and anti-nausea pills and anti-something or other pills, and anti-mosquito sprays, and lots of other drugs and antibiotics and painkillers and whatnot. seriously, do i need all of this stuff?!? i also got a box of condoms, ah ah. it was sort of embarrassing, when the doctor said '...and... erm... you should take condoms with you...' :) not that i intend on using them, but well... tomorrow i need to buy my backpack and sleeping bag, and open a bank account here so i can have a credit card (FINALLY!). after that, i'll only need to work out what clothes i want to take with me, and i can do that during the last week of october, before leaving.
it really is all coming together, even though i haven't bought any tickets yet. lol.
going to st. ouen (flea/antiques market) again tomorrow (went last week with jana...) because apparently it's been open for a 100 years or something so they're selling a lot more stuff than the usual.
i feel like this blog is becoming a bit boring. i guess it's not really something i should be worrying about right now, considering i'm gonna be in thailand in a couple of weeks... still. meh.
and i mean, how many people do really read? oh, there you go, caress my ego! if you read, comment, just saying hello or something. pwetty please? *manga eyes* XD

jana left this morning; took her to the airport coach stupidly early, and have been up ever since (hey, being up at 7 is something of an exception for me) and i realised how boring it is to get up early when you have nothing to do! :) even though i have been doing stuff, namely, remaking the website for my parents' house in tuscany. it's pretty good, shame i still have 150+ pictures to sort through for the damn thing. :(
having jana here was really interesting, because i saw lots of sides to paris i'd never noticed... how beautiful it can be, and how small it is! you can walk everywhere so quickly, lol. so much smaller than london.
now i need to finish sorting stuff out for the trip to milan and obviously, the trip to south east asia! on saturday i'll be shopping with my mum for essential things, i.e. backpack, sleeping bag, medicines, towels, clothes, etc.
ever since i saw a postcard of a beach in phuket in a shop, i've been so excited about going to the sea somewhere exotic, lol. :) tan! i want to tan more! and party! :)
obsession no. 1 of the moment: push the button by sugababes! what can i say, cheesy music is just made for me... ;)
if you're ready for me boy
you'd better push the button and let me know
before I get the wrong idea and go
you're gonna miss the freak that I control...
obsession no. 2 of the moment: yoshimi battles the pink robots by the flaming lips. sophie made me listen to it a couple of months ago, and i sort of liked it; then i downloaded it and now i adore it!!! it's so good!
those evil-natured robots
they're programmed to destroy us
she's gotta be strong to fight them
so she's taking lots of vitamins
and with this, i'm gonna go talk to my dear english mister properly... milan, paris, and then, and then, the white white loft! and i have to get drunk. at least twice. in four days. LOL. XD

movable type has been updated to the swanky 3.20 version. looks cool. obviously wasn't working initially, but managed to fix the problem asap (i hadn't uploaded a file that was needed... erm).
started reading old entries... well from may/june. i was such a fool, really. but well, i can't change what happened in the past, but i can change the future. i deserve much better than that, than my happiness being ruined by lies and dishonesty. i got through it and need to learn my lesson.
it's nice to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. get through half a day and realising 'i haven't thought about it once' and then that makes you think about it and you know what? you don't care. it doesn't break your heart anymore, it doesn't even hurt. you feel a tiny bit sad because it went so wrong, but you know that the past is the past and everything is so much better now.
i have a sore throat and my stomach feels funny and my eyes are all tired; i think i'm coming down with something, dammit! i don't have time for this. need to change my eurostar ticket tomorrow, at ALL COSTS, for the 18th. can't wait... can't wait...
and if you ruin me for every other guy who'll be around, what does that mean?
hey! look at the pictures from this summer and comment people! can i tell you which one is my personal favourite at the moment (and my msn icon)? this one. ain't i cheesy. :)

new pictures of me here and then i'm slowly uploading all sorts of pictures from the summer here. massive update! ;)
sore throat, but well.
i'm going to milan next week, london the week after, then paris and then thailand, finally. will be booking my ticket this week. the excitement!
and yes, going to london wasn't initially part of the plan, but how can i stay away?!? :p from my city, my english mister, my friends...!
i've just found out they've called the o.c. 'newport beach' in france. WHY? what fucking difference does it make??? why do the french ALWAYS have to change names to films and stuff? so annoying. mpfh.
today we're gonna see things around here because of crappy weather and strike. duh. and belleville and chinese restaurant tonight!

she's out of my life
and i don't know whether to laugh or cry
i don't know whether to live or die
and it cuts like a knife
she's out of my life...
was supposed to wake up at 10 and didn't even hear the alarm. got to stop staying online until 4 o'clock in the morning dammit! all his fault... :) even though, it was so pretty, when i felt sleepy and i could hear the rain outside since i had my window open... talking about anything and everything... it's something i haven't done in a long time.
sitting here with nescafe, letting the cables sleep and cold air through the open window. i'm waking up slowly and then, the plan for today!
antiques market (sort of flea market) and then charlie and the chocolate factory, FINALLY! i've got to see that film!
i think i feel really out of place here. it's not my city; i love a lot of things about it, but it still doesn't feel right, not the way london does. even though london makes me sad in other ways, everywhere reminds me of things finished that i want back, and i'm talking about uni here (don't worry)!!! but london also has my friends, my knight in shining armour... ah, london. it's my damnation.
i keep watching things i've recently watched - crash, thirteen, spaced... and i can recommend them all!!! it's so nice to have finally met someone who's really into films and good tv series and can recommend stuff.
and with this, i'll go and have fun. :) fucking cold outside though. :/