June 2006 Archives

after an absolutely hellish trip, i find myself in kuala lumpur again. this time i don't dislike it as much, partly because i'm only staying one night, partly because i've found a lovely hostel called eight, very nice (it's a sort of elite hostel, nice furniture, clean sheets, sink in the room, a/c, etc.).
met a lovely canadian (hello dietrich if you're reading...!) in banda aceh and then medan so the wait wasn't boring like i thought it would be. it's a shame that i then had to queue for my entry stamp for an hour and for a taxi another half hour. eurgh. and then of course the first two hostels i went to were full. oh well.
i'm happy now though: i am wearing a miniskirt and a short-sleeve top, and i've just had a lovely indian dinner (with the added luxury of mango lassi, yummy).
i could tell you how sad i was this morning, and how i started crying when philippa did, and how hard it was to say goodbye to n. knowing what i know; but maybe it's better if i don't think about it and just enjoy what is to come.
i think what i wrote to my parents is true: if sometimes this sort of sadness is not very nice, i hope it will happen to me again, because it can only happen when something important happens in my life, when i meet special people.
tomorrow morning at 10 i will be on a flight to siem reap. temples... wow.

my life of the last 8 months is about to be deleted from this laptop.
ah. goodbyes.
so goodbye sigli, goodbye friends, goodbye different life. i have loved you but now it's time to move on.
i am sad, a tiny bit... i got cakes, and a small office party, and photos with everybody, and presents...
i'll miss this place more than i thought i would.

i keep listening to a wonderful cover of love will tear us by apart by the cure - and i think, is that what is going to happen to me? because i know love will just keep tearing me apart, again and again. and this is not to say i'm unlucky - the way i feel and live life is just what it is, and i have accepted it by now.
it just makes me wonder - if i let myself go again, how high are the chances i will be hurt again? am i able to contain myself enough not to get hurt again, or should i just avoid relationships altogether?
well, that was my plan until not so long ago, but it all went out of the window and i can't seem to keep to my word.
what can i do?
how much truth can there be in a song...?
you could be my silver spring
blue-green colors flashing
i would be your only dream
your shining over ocean crashing
don't say that she's pretty
and did you say that she loved you
baby i don't want to know
so i begin not to love you
turn 'round, see me running
i say i loved you years ago
but tell myself you never loved me no
and don't say that she's pretty
and did you say that she loved you
baby i don't want to know
oh no
and can you tell me was it worth it
baby i don't want to know
time cast a spell on you
but you won't forget me
i know I could have loved you
but you would not let me...
fleetwood mac - silversprings

how exciting, how exciting. i'm almost gone from here, another two days and then south east asia will be mine... :)
the trip should go like this:
cambodia: siem reap & angkor - 4 days; phnom penh - 3 days; kampot & bokor - 2 days; kep - 2 days; sihanoukville - 4 days; kratie - 1 day.
laos: si phan don (4,000 islands) - 4 days; champasak & wat phou - 2 days; tad lo (on the boloven plateau) - 2 days; pakse - 2 days.
thailand: ko samet - 4 days; bangkok - 1 day.
think the place i'm most excited about is angkor, surely... but also sihanoukville, kampot and bokor; kep and vanna bungalows (same name as my mum!); 4,000 islands and mekong, and the reflections hotel at the end...!
tonight i'll start packing my backpack, and tomorrow will be goodbyes and cleaning out my office and my room, sorting out a few things...
and for once, there's more to look forward to, even after travelling: seeing my parents and friends, and oxford!
you know what's a shame though - i know i could stay here and do some interesting things. well, i'll have lots more occasions and there's no way i'm giving up on a masters at one of the best universities in the uk (if not the world).
there's one dear friend who's ignoring me and i'm not sure why; it makes me sad but i'm tired of defending myself for things that i cannot change. i don't even know if it's all because of what i think, but i've heard some things from other people and i'm sick and tired of these people thinking i'm 'rich and spoilt'. i wouldn't be getting a huge loan for my masters if i was... but it's not even worth fretting about.
and have you notice, the new cool thing at the bottom of this - custom field for location... so you will always know from what part of the world i'm blogging from. :)
(movable type is my bitch, lol)

i am the queen of movable type. everything has been customised just like i wanted it, comments and archives included. i've also switched from individual entry files to monthly ones, which makes rebuilding my pages much easier (plus there is no need for individual entries to be archived separately). i've still got a fairly big amount of archive files though - 45 months. eheheh. can't believe i've been blogging such a long time (even though, i have to admit, i haven't been very good lately).
i'm feeling better than i did a couple of days ago; just trying to stay positive. everything is going to be fine, and i'll enjoy my trip in the meantime.
packing is almost done, parcel and bag for n. almost ready; backpack will be done thursday night. and then i'll be off to kuala lumpur on friday morning...!
i'm so excited, angkor wat on sunday... i know it will be amazing.
by the way, PLEASE READ THIS IF YOUR COMMENTS ARE DISAPPEARING: if you happen to post a comment on this site and don't see it appear for a few days, please email me about it. movable type is being weird and junking lots of proper comments (but not the real junk). how sucky. sorry about this, need to understand what's going on!

you're wondering about the title huh?
well, i've just spent the day judging a metal rock competition, in which one of the bands, dedicated evolution, were all wearing scary alien-style masks and spent their time screaming and jumping.
needless to say, i came home with a headache.
but i'm still happy because the only band that i could actually listen to and had a girl in it (our cleaning lady's daughter, no less) won. the girl was so cute, shame i didn't have my camera.
it's weird how globalisation works, and fashion spreads all over the world; today the uniform of all the kids was dark green or electric blue trousers, metal rock bands' tshirts and all stars. a whole side of aceh i never imagined existed, that's for sure.
apart from that i'm ok but not in a great mood, and i need to get on with my packing. i haven't got much left to do but i feel like i'm dragging on. i need to wake up and do stuff.
why does something always come and hit you so badly when you think life couldn't be any better?

here is version number 5 of this blog. i decided i had too many nice photos i've taken in south east asia not to use them all in a layout, which was long overdue anyway; so now i have a swanky picture rotation script. every time you refresh the page a new photo will come up there at the top. cool eh?
i finished this layout in record time (i think basically around one day, started friday afternoon), also because i am feeling quite stressed right now. had some bad news which made me think of going home sooner; now it's more or less settled though and i'm going on as planned, leaving indonesia on friday and going back home on the 31st. i can't wait to be home though, and i know i will miss it more and more as time goes on.
anyway, the only thing that needs working on still is my profile page; but that will be done soon enough. i should really go sleep now because i slept very badly last night and woke up in the middle of the night with a splitting headache. sigh.
tonight i want home.

yay for italy winning last night. shame i missed both goals against the czech republic since the electricity went off twice... lately it's been really bad, no electricity for at least 3/4 hours a day. almost worst than our house in italy. :)
it makes me really sad to know i won't see the house this summer. i think it'll be the first summer i'll miss going there since i was born (and before actually, since when my mum was pregnant with me she was there). i love that house. it's so beautiful.
i read the place i stayed in on chaweng in ko samui (charlie's huts) is shutting down. thank god for that - it was horrible!!! imagine a thousand bungalows crammed into a tiny bit of land, and i had the one right next to the bar which meant being kept up by annoying gay australians until 2 o'clock in the morning. it's a shame samui is so overcrowded and overbuilt - can you imagine, my aunt was there 10 or 15 years ago and she said it was a tropical paradise, and now it's completely ruined. it's a shame i'm not going to ko pha ngan again, actually. but i guess i have no choice really, and apparently ko samet is quite nice as well. i'm particularly excited about angkor wat, of course, and southern laos (4,000 islands! and boloven plateau, waterfalls, and jungle!).
how much will i have changed by the time i get back? my 9 months away, what will they have taught me?
two things i have already learnt are: a. south east asia is definitely my favourite part of the world so far; b. sadly, i am fundamentally european and i do miss 'home' pretty often, so i better get used to that.
i am in a melancholic mood today, not sure why... maybe because i'm leaving soon, maybe because a couple more months of break from everything, i'll get started with a new era of my life: oxford and postgrad. i didn't think i'd get here last year. just a year ago... well, a bit more, since a year ago exactly i was more or less trying to rebuild myself from the thousand shattered pieces i was. but i remember thinking: i'll stay in london, and work, and earn some money. but nope, i will be a student for two more years, and at the end of the day it seems so right because - hear hear - i love studying. i can't wait to be intellectually challenged, to spend my evenings in cute old pubs with new, incredibly intelligent friends, to take walks in the green of oxford, and start a new life once again. my fourth (fifth if you consider sigli) city, another fresh start. the feeling of it is amazing.
i now also know i've been accepted into wolfson accommodation, which is good news. shame they won't tell me which one of their halls/houses i'll end up in until i get there! so i don't know if i'll be in the nice brand new ones or not.
i can't wait to put all of my nice thai and lao and malaysian and indonesian and cambodian things into my new room, buy new sheets and cushions and towels and all sorts of pretty things, and make the place mine.
(i also can't wait to buy lovely hand-made photo albums in chatuchak market in bangkok and then fill them out with all of the wonderful photos i'll get printed out, and have some photos printed out a bit bigger and frame them, and put down in words and pictures my memories of these 9 months)
this will be the start of me being active: i want to join clubs, take advantage of the free language courses (spanish or german?), become better at photography, write, learn. and spend time with my friends, as always, new and old.
see, i am in a weird mood today...

and so i'm officially obsessed with the world cup, despite not understanding anything about football (and not really caring to be honest!). it's just such a social event. my brain is now completely filled with useless football info, which i seem to remember much better than other, more important things. errr.
the italy - usa match was truly terrible though. one player sent off and an own goal??? sad, sad, sad. and not getting a goal when we were playing 10 to 9. sigh.
other than that, i've started planning my departure from sigli (forever)... which will happen in 11 days. it's always sad leaving a place, but i'm very excited about what's going to happen next; can't wait to do more travelling! this is my itinerary as i've planned it so far... the thing i'm most excited about is angkor wat, methinks, which is going to be my first stop. i hope i'll be able to keep taking amazing photos like i've done until now (and i'm not being unmodest, it's just that this part of the world really lends itself to wonderful photography), mmmh... i've also decided i'm going to be better than i've been before and keep track of everything i see, and possibly how much i spend, etc.
i'm still a bit worried about the whole low blood pressure thing, since it wouldn't be nice to pass out whilst travelling on my own, but it's been getting better. i had another couple of episodes when i felt very weak, but that was a few days back. so i hope everything goes ok. one thing's for sure, when i get back i'm going for a complete check up, blood tests included (brrr). right after that i'm going a diet cause i feel huge. :)
nothing much is happening; which leaves me even more time to get all melanchonic about leaving soon. silly, silly me. i will miss some people lots... phil, and the francescos, and n. most of all... well that's how life goes. and it does mean i'll have a few more friends dotted around the world. my network is expanding slowly...! the only continent i'm missing right now is... south america, methinks.
nothing to do. arrrrrgh.

yesterday morning i sat at my desk and the world started turning around me and i seriously thought i was going to pass out; turns out (as i expected it) i have low blood pressure. i'd already felt it in laos, when i was constantly tired... need to eat more salt, apparently - i already eat everything so salty! - and i've started taking all sorts of vitamins again. might have to drink more of that horrible WFP hydrating salts or whatever they're called. sigh.
my moods are weird and lots of things don't help (oh, it's a long story).
got my ticket for kuala lumpur yesterday which makes it all so much more real... sigh. i'll be sad when i leave.
now i'll stop being silly and do something useful around the office.

after a few days of feeling rather miserable (for various reasons which are not really even worth mentioning) i feel regenerated and happier.
if in the past months i have had few lows, i have also had very few highs, and sometimes it hits me, and i wonder if it wasn't better the other way. but then it's all just me playing games with my own head, because i have no reason to be unhappy, really. travelling, then a summer with my friends, and oxford, what more could i ask for?
sometimes i can really be my worse enemy; i need to learn how to deal with it, i really do. i cannot be this way, or better, the way i was in the last couple of days. i have too many important things i need to get on with in my life to let things get me down.
it's all to do with learning to be independent, and that very much means being emotionally independent. i cannot always rely on people to make me feel better. it is probably something people try to learn throughout their whole lives, but at least i can start now.
i also need to convince i am not such a bad person to be with; and until that happens, there is no way i can be involved with anyone without hurting myself or them.
sometimes i feel life is too hard - too many variables, things to keep under control, small problems - like i cannot cope. but i can, i know i can. i've done it for a while and i've come so far. i'm not the sort of person who would hurt herself, that doesn't worry me, but i am sometimes scared i could let it all go...
the important thing: don't always cry when you feel like it. the first step is to control my emotions and my reactions.
i need to become stronger, much stronger than this.

in exactly 4 weeks i'll be off to cambodia, laos and thailand. yay! my plan has changed another zillion times, but i think it's reached perfection now. i've got temples, countryside, rivers, colonial towns, pretty beaches, lazy islands, the lot. nice and balanced. i can't wait.
yesterday i got pissed off with n. for something silly, and somehow it triggered many bad things and i ended up crying my eyes out for a while and feeling utterly miserable. but it turned out to be sort of ok this morning and a lot better this afternoon. checking out a few guides on south east asia and getting some cuddles made a real difference, i have to say. :)
in one hour or so we (francesco v., n. and me) will be off to banda aceh for a party for christian, who's leaving next week. everything has a taste of something that's about to finish right now, and it does make me a bit sad. but i'm all for living the moment so i'm trying not to think about it too much.
tomorrow morning we will be going to a nice beach not far from banda aceh and coming back here in the afternoon. i can work a bit more on my suntan, eheheh. i have this plan of going back to the uk soooo dark people will die of envy. bwahahah. :)
my dad sent me the sweetest email; he said 'make a list of everything you will have to tell me so you don't forget' and 'the most wonderful and cosmopolitan city in europe will welcome you, and then the next one'. i recognised myself in that last sentence, because it sounds like something i would say... i miss my dad, i really do. i can't believe i haven't seen him in 7 months.
by the end of all this i will have been away for 9 months. how different will i be? how different will europe be to me? but i can already say: these 9 months will have been oh so worth it. i have completely fallen in love with south east asia.
home away from home, like london, paris and pretty much every other place in the world. i am a stranger wherever i go but i settle down wherever i want. i love that, i love being without a hometown, a homecountry.
but i'm losing myself here, and i need to pack my bag. life is a lot nicer than yesterday and SO much nicer than a year ago.