after a few days of feeling rather miserable (for various reasons which are not really even worth mentioning) i feel regenerated and happier.
if in the past months i have had few lows, i have also had very few highs, and sometimes it hits me, and i wonder if it wasn't better the other way. but then it's all just me playing games with my own head, because i have no reason to be unhappy, really. travelling, then a summer with my friends, and oxford, what more could i ask for?
sometimes i can really be my worse enemy; i need to learn how to deal with it, i really do. i cannot be this way, or better, the way i was in the last couple of days. i have too many important things i need to get on with in my life to let things get me down.
it's all to do with learning to be independent, and that very much means being emotionally independent. i cannot always rely on people to make me feel better. it is probably something people try to learn throughout their whole lives, but at least i can start now.
i also need to convince i am not such a bad person to be with; and until that happens, there is no way i can be involved with anyone without hurting myself or them.
sometimes i feel life is too hard - too many variables, things to keep under control, small problems - like i cannot cope. but i can, i know i can. i've done it for a while and i've come so far. i'm not the sort of person who would hurt herself, that doesn't worry me, but i am sometimes scared i could let it all go...
the important thing: don't always cry when you feel like it. the first step is to control my emotions and my reactions.
i need to become stronger, much stronger than this.