September 2006 Archives

the last few days are very blurry in my mind. getting pissed off with dell because they are not going to deliver my laptop before i leave. having to buy a new hard disk for my old laptop (which i'm using now). reinstalling a thousand programs. finally realising that next week i will be a postgrad student at oxford. thinking about what i should and shouldn't pack. worrying about my mum. flirting with someone i shouldn't have flirted with. forgetting birthdays (and then writing them down so i'll remember them next year). going to the doctor's and getting contact lenses prescribed (tomorrow they'll be mine!). downloading yet more music. talking to oxford people on msn and asking stupid questions (errr how long does it take to walk from college to town?). trying to organise drinks with myspace oxford people...
this is all i can remember, but i'm sure there's more.
i need to pack and as usual i have too much stuff and my suitcases won't be enough.
i still don't have a bathrobe, dammit! well, i'm sure i'll find one somewhere in oxford (i can't live without one though).
i have been feeling extremely tired and i don't understand why (i haven't been doing that much).
beauty salon in an hour.

i feel so normal today. even though i went to sleep way too late (a bad habit i've picked up in the last couple of weeks - i haven't managed to go to bed before 2 for a while!), this morning i forced myself to wake up at 9.30 by putting four alarms on: two at 9, one at 9.15 and one at 9.30. at least it worked. :)
it's just that, even though i am very much a night person, waking up past 11 makes me feel like i've already wasted half of my day. i get so frustrated, and it's part of the reason why i've been feeling a bit shit.
so, anyway, i got up at 9.30 and did nice things. i ate a nice breakfast, including bitter orange tea and a banana+mango smoothie; i smoked a cigarette looking outside my window; i read my book; i had a nice long bubbly bath whilst reading my book; i've painted my nails again (this time white - the pink i'd tried chipped off after a day and i really can't be bothered with that). when i finish writing this i'll go cook myself lunch before it gets too late and i completely fuck up my rythms again.
i've fallen in love with my room here, completely. it's weird how i'd never noticed how pretty it easy, simply because i know it so well. it's like when people go 'wow' and 'ooooh' when i say my parents live in paris, and most of the time i just don't get it. what we don't know always seems better, and therefore what we know well seems quite unconsequential and boring. anyway, as i was saying, i love my room here. i wish i could take it away with me! especially after i've done this general re-organisation thing so that i now have all of my clothes here instead of having to share an extremely cramped walk-in (you can't really walk in anymore) with my mother. this photo was taken last night (as i was trying to show someone how i've put on weight by comparing a pictures from two years ago and now... i'm such a weirdo). i love the way the light reflects on the mirror at the back, and you can see all the beautiful colours i've got in here (and my insanely huge old collection of manga!). there's my cool designer chair that i received as a birthday present once; all of my little boxes on the little white shelf (two from laos, one from russia, one from thailand); the little silk hearts i bought in some market; a beautiful cotton scarf which is hung on a wooden scarf-hanging thing, both bought when i went to lake toba; my big moroccan floor cushion; my sock&pants chest of drawers (which goes with a desk made of the same materials, which my brother was supposed to take when he got his own place - he hasn't, so it'll be all mine!!!). all these things make me happy.
and yes, i know - admittedly - that my shirt looks a bit like a pajama top. it's not, i swear. it's even made of really nice, heavy silk. :)
now, for some more music i've listened to lately:
+ baaba maal - nomad soul: 8 out of 10
this was given to me by g. last year. since i'd decided a while back that i needed to listen to more african music, this is a good start. he's senegalese, and the songs are so good. made me want to go to africa (i will do at some point).
+ fiona apple - when the pawn... & extraordinary machine: both 10 out of 10
these were recommended to me by n., and what can i say, i love both of them. how can you even describe fiona apple? she's good, very good (huge understatement).
+ gemma hayes - night on my side: 8 out of 10
i already had this lying around, but i'd never listened to it properly. it's quite funny - my mum went to one of her concerts (!!!) when she was working in ireland a couple of years back, and bought the cd. and you know what, i might just have the same music taste my mother has... even though it seems quite weird to me that she might like it. errr. it's quite rocky, in a soft way. pretty, pretty voice.
+ jack johnson - in between dreams: 7 out of 10
oh, i know he's cheesy. and australians like him too much. and south east asian guesthouse owners as well. but i like it. it all started a long time ago when james passed 'banana pancakes' onto me... ah, it's so easy to listen to this, and it's all happy music. i like happy music.
+ radiodervish - centro del mundo: 10 out of 10
this was also given to me by n. he's full of good recommendations, that boy (apart from fabrizio de andre', of course, aka boring old italian folk music EURGH). sung in italian, french, arabic, spanish, truly multucultural, with middle eastern rythms, it's beautiful. one of the best albums i've listened to in a long time.
- sonic youth - daydream nation: 5 out of 10
i know they're supposed to be, you know, at the basis of indie rock or whatever. but there's way too much teenage angst in there, and it's a bit too heavy for my taste. i don't like noise (god i sound so old).
+ thom yorke - the eraser: 9 out of 10
i was so surprised by this! see, i don't even like radiohead. i find them whiney and quite frankly, very depressing. but this is good! it's not whiney! it's indie electronica just as i like it.
these are all the ones worth mentioning. i'm listening to lots of good stuff though, and discovering lots. i love it when it's like that. i'm not even that upset about losing all the music on my old ipod anymore. :) and it's given me the chance to do that mp3 collection spring clean i wanted to do for a long time... see, once i have music on my ipod, i tend to leave it there even if i don't like it, or have never listened to it. it's silly. so now i'm making a point of listening to every single album i get, and deciding whether i like it enough to keep it. i'm all organised, can you believe it!
and finally, one of my photos is now on the mirror project. isn't it a cool website?

i don't usually post lyrics, but these are just too good...
lily allen - smile
when you first left me
i was wanting more
but you were f**king that girl next door
what did you do that for
when you first left me
i didnt know what to say
i'd never been on my own that way
just sat by myself all day
i was so lost back then
but with a little help from my friends
i found the light in the tunnel at the end
now you're calling me up on the phone
so you can have a little whine and
a moan it's only because you're feeling alone
at first when i see you cry
yeah it makes me smile
yeah it makes me smile
at first i feel bad for a while
but then i just smile
i go ahead and smile
whenever you see me
you say that you want me back
and i tell you it don't mean jack
no it dont mean jack
i couldn't stop laughing
no i just couldn't help myself
see you messed up my mental health
i was quite unwell
i was so lost back then
but with a little help from my friends
i found the light in the tunnel at the end...
i am in love with her album. she's funny, she's got a cool accent, she's got attitude and some of her songs are just SO real. if this song had been out a year ago maybe i would have been less depressed... or maybe not. :)
in other news, i'm bored. bored bored bored.
in exactly a week and a couple of hours i'll be lying in bed trying to fall asleep, too excited by the thought of moving into my room the next day. :) yes, i'm obsessive, it's one of my qualities (or was that a flaw?).

hands only i will hold
details only i will know
skin only i will taste
bones only i will hold on to
lips only i will kiss
silliness only i will understand
i want...
someone to love and love me back.
despite everything i still want it, and i feel empty without it.
it's not that i need to be in a relationship to be happy.
i need to be in love to be happy.

so. i have been getting music for my ipod, and i've managed around 8gb in less than two days. and at least three quarters of it is what i consider 'essential' music, albums i listen to regularly and love. and i thought i always listened to the same 10 albums, it seems it's more like... a 100.
then, of course, since i am in downloading mode, i'm also looking for new things to listen to. and i have indeed made some discoveries (positive and negative...):
+ emiliana torrini - fisherman's woman: 7 out of 10
i'd listened to this a couple of times before but never properly. it's good. she's got a very nice voice, sounds a bit like a little girl... nice to have in the background. i like it.
- james morrison - undiscovered: 4 out of 10
really nothing special. silly songs. and he's supposed to be the next big thing?
+ justin timberlake - futuresex/lovesounds: ? out of 10
yes, i do have a weakness for justin timberlake. i can't help it - even though it's not at all in line with my general indie taste, his first album in my opinion was just so listeneable and danceable you can't not like it. it makes you sing and it makes you shake your bum. i have to say that i'm not too impressed by his new effort so far. i do need to listen to it again though. it's not too bad, just not as good as justified.
+ lily allen - alright, still: 9 out of 10
i really wasn't convinced when i got this, but by god... it's brilliant. i love, LOVE the accent. a londoner! a girl! who sings about guys bugging her in clubs! and getting revenge on her ex by telling him he's rubbish in bed! and her brother being a stoner! fucking hilarious. i kept cracking up and laughing out loud. but then maybe it's just me... it reminded me a bit of the streets actually, she's got the same sort of humour. i can already see myself listening to this obsessively.
+ missy higgins - the sound of white: 7 out of 10
am listening to this right now. this was given to me by daniel last summer when everybody was chez moi in italy for my birthday... i think jana recommended to me, but i'm not sure. australian girl with a super voice (and accent! what is it with me and accents huh?), and a cool story as well. she wrote the main single from her album for one of her classes (and at the last minute as well!), then submitted it to a music competition and the rest is history (or not...). not bad.
+ paolo nutini - these streets: 6 out of 10
similar to james morrison, just better. there are definitely too many singers/songwriters popping up lately though... it's all james' blunt (and is idiotic but sadly catchy songs') fault.
+ suzanne vega - standing solitude: 8 out of 10
when i was in an english summer school in ireland a few years ago, i had really sweet teacher who used cool songs to teach us english. tom's diner was one of them, and since then i've always loved it. the lyrics are so clever, and she just makes perfect contemporary folk, which i love.
- sandi thom - smile... it confuses people: 3 out of 10
bloody rubbish. a punk rocker with flowers in her hair? in the 70s? you're confusing things darling, there were punks and then there were hippies, and they didn't really like each other. why do i even bother? sigh. definitely just as idiotic as james blunt's songs, but sadly (for sandi thom) not catchy at all.
let's see if i can go to sleep before 3 tonight. i'll try. erm.

i am so shocked by the coup in thailand.
i mean, this is a country i was in barely a couple of months ago, a country i love, by the way. and it seemed like the only country in south east asia that wasn't completely fucked up, a democracy, you know. i mean, look at the rest of 'em! i imagine thailand wasn't perfect as a democracy, but still...
i understand thaksin had made a bit of a mess (he's not a very... likeable characted. uhm), but there is no way a military coup is going to change anything. i mean, the MILITARY. i hate the military anyway and in those places, they're don't fuck about either.
i wonder if this will change anything in terms of tourism? probably not.
it seems so weird. i remember when i was there last staying in my lovely hotel it was the king's birthday, so EVERYBODY was going around wearing bright yellow tshirts, even the tiny kids. they were selling them on the streets. i loved the ridiculousness of it. how did this thing happen?
(i'm sure people in thailand will ultimately be ok with it because apparently the coup leaders had the king's approval, and the king is extremely respected, better, adored)
...i still want to go back though. what would i give for a holiday by the beach right now.
p.s. stumbleupon is fuckin' great.
p.p.s. i have cute sakura toe socks from japan! yay! errr.

i am so stupid.
i am sitting here looking at my new ipod and saying (out loud) "oh my god you're so sexy".
i might prefer ipods to men. that's worrying. or maybe it'll make my life easier?
she is sexy though. my ipod that is, who is obviously female. i think her name shall be miwako.
and, i've also just made my very own ex libris - now i need to buy the right paper so i can print out lots of them and stick them in my books. i used my photo of the lotus flower, the one i really love.
today is starting well. :)

i feel highly dysfunctional at the moment. i feel like i am not prepared to accept and appreciate everything i have in my life, and that makes me very silly, in my opinion. part of it is, i believe, the fact that i do feel uncomfortable being here in paris. not because i don't like this city (i do, it's pretty, and i have lived long enough here to feel comfortable walking down the street and knowing my way around, which are two pretty important things), but because i don't feel part of it. let me explain: whenever i'm on the street, i see all of these people who are walking around with a purpose. people going to parties, girls nicely dressed meeting friends, girls in high heels going to the office, people doing their shopping for their families, mothers with their babies, they're all going somewhere and doing something. i am not part of this flow of people, because my life isn't here, i don't have a job or go to school here. it feels very weird.
but i guess that sort of problem will be resolved in a couple of weeks when i'll be in oxford. i can't believe how close it is now! how soon i'll be able to say to people "i'm a postgraduate student at oxford" and not "i'm still on holiday and have no real purpose in life right now". it's a good thing i know i will have a purpose soon though.
see, this was coming out completely differently when i was smoking that cigarette outside my window five minutes ago. and thinking that my window is not really a window, but really a miniature garden with a view behind it. i do like the fact that i can smoke a cigarette amidst the smell of basil and other herbs whilst looking into green and yellow and red rooms across the streets, pretty lamps and big ateliers.
this morning i went to try contact lenses; next week i'll have another try (this time for the whole day, whereas today was only for a couple of hours) and then i'll have contact lenses. if i did appreciate the qualities of contact lenses before, no one had ever explained to me the psychological effects of wearing them. do you know how amazing it feels to be able to see things with my own eyes with a sharpness they haven't had since... well, since i was a child. colours look different, the whole world looks different. it makes me want to take pictures of everything, because it really is like seeing the world for the first time, again. if that makes sense.
speaking of photos, i got all of my prints today. and oh! do they look pretty. digital photos can never substitute for printed ones, just like an ebook could never substitute for a real book. there's such a huge difference between objects you can hold in your hands and really feel with what you can see on a screen.
now i need to decide what to do with them; or better, find the perfect photo album and then spend months arranging them just the right way.
to end this very philosophical entry; to the right is a picture of me taken in my room in the flat in finsbury park in february 2005, which i found in my quest for old photos to upload on flickr. why do i always take pictures of myself in bed? well, not always, but pretty often. maybe that's why when i see this picture i really feel it represents me. especially now that i can make use of my newly acquired photoshop skills! btw, i didn't make myself prettier, i just enhanced colours, played with brightness, contrast and saturation. notice my collection of postcards on the wall... can't wait to find them again, together with all the crap i must have in storage in london. well, only two weeks until i find out...

this time, the photo is probably more necessary than the text. more photos have been uploaded to my flickr account, including lots and lots of self portraits from ages ago (or not). i've also started trying my hand at photoshop, oooh, it's so much fun. check this one out and this one as well.
from today and until next monday i'm here all on my own; my parents are in italy and already i feel a bit lonely. i spent the whole day in front of the computer photoshopping and am a bit disappointed with my self control, or lack there of. i should be studying for oxford. and tomorrow i should be getting the new ipod, so you can bet i'll be here all day...
anyway, i'm going to say hello to the three people who did reply to my previous post (only three? sigh): ciao bell'uomo carissimo, ciao laura (anche io ti leggo sai?) and hello alexandra. :)
and here to the right is a shot taken by my beloved ana banana, of myself (or better, my profile) in opatija, on a summer evening a long time ago. still it seems yesterday.
and now, i'll go out to buy some cigarettes.

i've been looking at the stats for this blog a lot lately, and i've noticed that there's some people who regularly read me, and i wonder: who are you? from prague and veneto and vancouver and stoke, you, who read this blog. i haven't done it in a long time, so it's time to do it again: if you read this, leave a comment, tell me something about you, or simply say hello.

all of my photos from cambodia (the ones worth printing out, at least) can now be found here. i have to say, i am pretty satisfied with the results. the one to the side here is one of my favourites... i remember spending about half an hour trying to get the perfect picture, with tourists walking past and looking at me like i was insane.

i've been banned from talking about things i buy because apparently 'my blog is becoming a shopping list'. sigh. but i have so many new pretty things!!! dammit. it's not my fault nothing is going on in my life right now.
yesterday i met up with federica, one of my best friends from the last couple of years of high school; she made me laugh so hard! people from rome can be so funny - they have all of these weird ways of saying things. how can i explain? italian is special.
(which reminds me of watching big brother - almost by mistake - with nikki waking up in the middle of the night and saying 'he's so speeeecial! he's so speeeecial!' about pete. ah ah, insane people)
i've sorted out and photoshopped and sent to get printed aaaaall of the good photos i've taken since november last year. 400 photos, which to be fair, is not so bad considering i must have taken around 4,000. now i need to upload the ones from cambodia... i can't wait to have all of them in my hands, with their pretty colours and pretty subjects and pretty white border. huh. need a photo album with black pages to put them all in and write witty things around them (ain't i clever?).
ah. to come back to the entry title, this morning i went to see an eye doctor (what the hell are they called anyway?) and soon i'll get new eyes, in the sense of wear contact lenses. i'm slightly scared since i usually cry when i see a bottle of eyedrops and think about having to put them on. i'm a wimp (eyedrops and blood tests, seriously, what's wrong with me?).
i feel highly dysfunctional but it's not so bad.
and i have smokey eyes and that's always a nice thing.

here are all the pretty things i bought in provence a couple of weeks ago. and there's also a few other photos here.
i have so many pictures to sort out. eurgh. almost a year worth of photos that i need to look at, pick the nice ones, photoshop... it'll be neverending.
well, it's something to do right?
yep, i'm still hiding from the world. but spoke to a friend from my last year of high school, oh! i haven't seen her in four years and i was pissing myself laughing whilst talking to her on the phone - it'll be hilarious to see her again.
i've also made a new layout for gokinjo world (yep, my other domain still exists, but the sites are seriously depleted). need to redo the texts as well, but i want to re-read gokinjo monogatari before doing it (it makes sense, non?).
i have my sub-fusc. black skirt, white shirt, black shoes. only thing that's missing is the tie, but my dad will take care of that.
i want my new ipod. and my new laptop. sigh.

i could literally spend hours refreshing this page and looking at reflections of how people see themselves.
(i've submitted my own reflection too, we'll see if it makes it online)
i need to organise my pictures, photoshop the ones that need photoshopping, upload them to my flickr account... it will be done, i swear. i'm starting tomorrow, bit by bit.
and then i need to get used to take photos all the time; always have my camera with me. and a notepad, because too many ideas escape before i can remember to write them down.
i'm still hiding from the world. don't think it's going to change for a few days...
ah. i know. i can be boring (but it means i post more, so not so bad, n'est ce pas?)

i can't help it.
it's meh-ess all around.
even though plenty of nice things have happened in the last few days, i feel meh.
it didn't help that my mother thought it'd be a good idea to come into my room this morning and turn this really noisy computer on WHILST I WAS ASLEEP. i hate being woken up when i don't need to. bloody hell, i hate waking up in general - who's lived with me knows you can't speak to me for half an hour after i get up. i need to sit down, submerge myself into my book and eat cereal. anyway, that put me in a bad mood for the day, but i'm in a bad mood in general so i guess it doesn't make much of a difference.
all this is to say: i've turned into a hermit who doesn't want to have any contact with the outside world (don't ask me why, i know it's silly) so i'm not writing emails and coming online and actually talking to people. i'm sorry. it will end soon (i hope).
and now i'll go shout at the kids from the high school next door for the upteenth time today, because they've decided our little street is the best place in paris to scream, throw rubbish on the floor and piss in the corners. and i'm not joking.
meh.
meh.
MEH!!!

i own the jacket and the new ipod. see, when i have something in mind i don't stop until it's done...
(today is the day of crazy posting when i should be writing emails, damn)

i haven't found boots yet and i've looked for towels somewhere else (found them - can't decide whether i should get just one set or two though).
things i am going to buy when i finally get paid (three months late, yep):
1. the sims 2, to play on my brand spanking new laptop which i should receive shortly (dell&dad are my heroes).
2. this (or this, depending on which i decide goes better with what i already have for my room) very cool needlepoint cushion (and hopefully i'll manage to make it in less than a year).
3. new ipod, because my old one is definitely dead. my parents will pay for it, i will give the money back to them later.
and 4. is note sure, but i've seen this extremely nice woollen jacket by sinequanone that is really tempting me (here as well i'll need to borrow the money from my parents beforehand).
it seems like all i think about lately is shopping. it's not my fault, i swear, it's my female genes.
speaking of shopping, i realised the other day as i was reading the wolfson new student handbook that i need to have that sub-fusc stuff. sub-fusc is what we are supposed to wear under our gowns at ceremonies and exams (yep, i'll have to sit my exams in a tie and gown and stuff), which consists of: dark skirt or trousers (should have but not sure), dark stockings (have), dark shoes (don't have - not comfy ones anyway), white shirt (need to buy) and dark tie (will nick off my dad, possibly something very 70s). ah ah. the fun times of oxford students.
if on one side i cannot wait to be there, on the other i am freaking out. i am terrified actually. by various things, such as moving to a new place, having to do shitloads of work, writing essays (which i'm good at, but are SOAS essays as good as oxford essays?), meeting new people. eurgh. i know that once i'm there i'll be fine, but still. i'm a bit anxious about it.
i should repaint my toenails bright pink because it made me happy but i don't know if i can be bothered. ah-uhm.

happiness is receiveing good emails, or emails from good people, if you prefer. in this case, one from the long lost friend in japan, one from nicolo' about his adventures in thailand (and a vision of bangkok comes rushing back to me) and one from a stranger who seems very, very interesting (meeting people on the net still works).
this morning i survived getting a blood test done. see, you have to understand that i have a very bad phobia of needles in general and blood tests in particular. my mum had to come with me (even the doctor took the piss out of me and asked if i was 2! it's not my fault i'm scared!) and while the woman was drawing blood she tried to talk to me, despite the look of terror on my face. it did help that i took half a pill of something anti-anxiety, because if i hadn't i think i really would have passed out.
now i'm safe for another year (at least - my last blood test before this one was over two years ago!).
this afternoon will be spent looking for a nice pair of boots (i want brown leader, wooden soles, large boots... mmh) and towels chez bouchara.
today is a much better day than many other days i've had in the last few weeks.

today was nice, in this weird way: seeing faces from a long time ago, or it seems like such a long time ago! people i used to go to school with... it seems so much longer then four years since i've finished school. can you believe it, four years, and everything i've done in between...
actually, there was someone there who i last saw around eight years ago, and that was bizarre, to see how much and how little at the same time someone can change, their core still the same but so many new and unknown layers over it. i also received some news about my best friend age 10-13, who is in japan! i really need to email her and see how she's doing. and there's a lot more people i should email as well, friends in london, friends from indonesia (nicolo', if you read this: i'm sorry, i've been so busy! i will reply soon, i promise), friends, friends... but the fact that i've been feeling down for the past few weeks isn't helping.
it also doesn't help with my pre requisite readings for oxford: i've done nothing since i've come back from the south of france, and i really do need to read them. well, i'm going to be here on my own for a week (my parents are going to our house in italy) so i should be able to do it then.
i want to see my little room in oxford with all of my things inside it.
i want, i want... this has been a period of yearning for a lot of different things. sometimes it is incredibly frustrating, and sometimes it's nice because you know that the day they'll come to you (and they will) it will be absolutely perfect.
when did i become the person i am today?
(which is not to say that i don't like myself - it's just that sometimes i feel like a stranger)

i love sophie&paul, and they're going away for god knows how long tomorrow, and go give them love on their blog: paul and sophie's big trip! they will be missed out here but i am so glad they are doing this and they're going to see all of these cool places... i'd like to go with them actually. lol, not going to happen, sadly. :)
the last few days have been meh, but today i found out about zara home and oh! it's so nice. will be buying nice glasses from there when i'm in the uk. and maybe towels (they have bright pink ones!). so many pretty things. i did buy two cereal bowls which go very well with my other things.
other than that, i've been lazy, lazy, lazy. but i've almost finished a needlepoint cushion (yes, i can do needlepoint) and have been cooking great things which have been appreciated by all, so i'm happy.
lalala.
(shame i seem to have low blood pressure at the moment and have been feeling faint all day! argh)

a very heavy pot has just fallen on my head. now i have a big bump forming just above my left eye. great. people will think my dad (or husband) beats me up... since when am i so clumsy?
our holiday in the south of france ended with me walking around the hertz car park at avignon train station looking for paper bags with raspberry filled pasty thingies. my dad can also be clumsy (and lose things). no way i was going to give up on raspberry goodness like that.
the south of france is lovely. i spent my time walking up and down stairs, sunbathing, reading amartya sen and anthropology and smoking cigarettes in hiding. t'was good. also the weather was lovely which made for a change, considering how shitty it's all been for the past month.
mood is full of ups and downs, things are ok. could be better, could be worse. my brother is coming to paris tomorrow or the day after - the first time we all spend time together in way over a year (christmas 2004, me thinks).
bought all sorts of new things for my flat/room in oxford, and it's getting very exciting. university&college fees plus rent for the next six months have been paid. it really is happening - scary eh? in less than a month i will be in oxford, starting a new degree, meeting new people, discovering a new city. i can't wait. (shame i'm now in stupid amounts of debt and need to find some sort of loan, fast)
my toenails and bright pink.
MAC and BeneFit products all over will be mine at some point, i swear.
(and apart from the clumsiness, since when am i so girly?)