i feel highly dysfunctional at the moment. i feel like i am not prepared to accept and appreciate everything i have in my life, and that makes me very silly, in my opinion. part of it is, i believe, the fact that i do feel uncomfortable being here in paris. not because i don't like this city (i do, it's pretty, and i have lived long enough here to feel comfortable walking down the street and knowing my way around, which are two pretty important things), but because i don't feel part of it. let me explain: whenever i'm on the street, i see all of these people who are walking around with a purpose. people going to parties, girls nicely dressed meeting friends, girls in high heels going to the office, people doing their shopping for their families, mothers with their babies, they're all going somewhere and doing something. i am not part of this flow of people, because my life isn't here, i don't have a job or go to school here. it feels very weird.
but i guess that sort of problem will be resolved in a couple of weeks when i'll be in oxford. i can't believe how close it is now! how soon i'll be able to say to people "i'm a postgraduate student at oxford" and not "i'm still on holiday and have no real purpose in life right now". it's a good thing i know i will have a purpose soon though.
see, this was coming out completely differently when i was smoking that cigarette outside my window five minutes ago. and thinking that my window is not really a window, but really a miniature garden with a view behind it. i do like the fact that i can smoke a cigarette amidst the smell of basil and other herbs whilst looking into green and yellow and red rooms across the streets, pretty lamps and big ateliers.
this morning i went to try contact lenses; next week i'll have another try (this time for the whole day, whereas today was only for a couple of hours) and then i'll have contact lenses. if i did appreciate the qualities of contact lenses before, no one had ever explained to me the psychological effects of wearing them. do you know how amazing it feels to be able to see things with my own eyes with a sharpness they haven't had since... well, since i was a child. colours look different, the whole world looks different. it makes me want to take pictures of everything, because it really is like seeing the world for the first time, again. if that makes sense.
speaking of photos, i got all of my prints today. and oh! do they look pretty. digital photos can never substitute for printed ones, just like an ebook could never substitute for a real book. there's such a huge difference between objects you can hold in your hands and really feel with what you can see on a screen.
now i need to decide what to do with them; or better, find the perfect photo album and then spend months arranging them just the right way.
to end this very philosophical entry; to the right is a picture of me taken in my room in the flat in finsbury park in february 2005, which i found in my quest for old photos to upload on flickr. why do i always take pictures of myself in bed? well, not always, but pretty often. maybe that's why when i see this picture i really feel it represents me. especially now that i can make use of my newly acquired photoshop skills! btw, i didn't make myself prettier, i just enhanced colours, played with brightness, contrast and saturation. notice my collection of postcards on the wall... can't wait to find them again, together with all the crap i must have in storage in london. well, only two weeks until i find out...