October 2006 Archives

most of my monologues (because that's what they're becoming, rather than conversations - oh, how great it is to be self obsessed) nowadays start with "i've got so much work to do *weird whingey noise* *whinge *whinge* etc." it's becoming pretty bad.
apart from my natural propensity to whinge (i'd say it's a family trait among the wittenburgs), i do feel my life is absolutely tragic right now. which is utter bollocks, to be honest, but i hate economics and stats and find anthropology so hard i feel i deserve some sympathy and really, among my friends, my academic life does feel tragic.
one good piece of news is that i've (more or less) decided what i want to write my anthro essay about; it will be about constructions of identity and nation-building in indonesia, with reference to benedict anderson (of course - the genius) and more generally to the discourse on the constructions of community and culture. of course i will need a much more focused approach but i'll get there. i now own a copy of "imagined communities" which i will duly read this week so i can decided what i want to focus on. the use of language in nation-building would be a pretty interesting approach and something i find extremely interesting - even though i am very tempted to write about the appropriation of the angkorian past by the khmer rouge, just because angkor is one of the most beautiful places i've been to (silly reason, i know, but still very tempting).
i've been trying to make things as easy for myself as i can, especially re: essays. so whenever i can relate the topic to something i've done during my undergrad - count me in baby. i've got enough work as it is without having to go and look into completely new topics. right?
other than that, my weekend has been good, tiring, exciting, weird, unexpected, and a whole lot of other things. friday was spent in london visiting kirsty; friday night was spent getting drunk in the wolfson bar and then filth; saturday was spent sleeping; saturday night was spent in the wolfson bar and then at the st. cross halloween bop (and later wondering around town and meeting my coursemates in all sorts of weird ways); sunday was spent again sleeping and having lunch in christchurch (in the harry potter refectory, how cool is that?!?); and sunday night was spent cooking and eating with my friends in my kitchen. i need to start getting photos off facebook and uploading them to my flickr account really. oh, maybe later. oh, and of course, all the cryptic stuff down there relates to something else that's happened which is very nice. very, very nice. mmmmh.
now i really need to do some economics, then go for dinner, then go to the winter ball committee meeting (again! once a week is too much, seriously) and then, of course... the bar. oh my favourite bar ever.
i will stop whingeing at some point though, i swear.

long standing doubts are coming to the fore again: what if sex did ruin everything? how did i become scared of it? not scared of it per se, scared of its consequences. i know i'm acting differently than the usual but... it's good. i'm actually thinking about it. i don't just go through the motions anymore, like i've been doing for the past year, i don't fall into things.
i want to feel before i act. i want to feel alive. i finally do feel alive - i'm not this weird machine anymore, i'm me.
oh, what a bizarre post. maybe it shouldn't even be here; there are things people out there shouldn't know but this is me and i need to write it all down. because my hair's a mess and i can still feel fingers running through it, and it's the sweetest thing, how something i was wishing for just a few days ago is now here, i've got it.
the sweetest thing.

it's 5 o'clock in the morning and i'm hungover yet again and still... i am pretty happy. something i wanted to happen has happened and it's every bit as nice as i thought it would be.
i REALLY do need to sleep more though.

my hair is looking pretty good at the moment (i do like it better when it's long) and so as i was blowdrying it i was thinking: i wish there was someone out there who could come here now and just run their fingers through it. i miss human touch, the intimacy of it, and that really is the one thing i miss about relationships.
i always thought i'd feel lonely if i was single. but i don't - the problem is another one altogether - my body feels lonely. i am naturally quite a touchy feely person and now i find myself craving a hand on the small of my back, or on my hip, or hands lightly touching each other, those barely noticeable touches that make me feel special.
it all sounds quite silly, doesn't it. but i do miss things like those, and it doesn't help when i'm so confused by people (men?) around me.
one thing's for sure: i need to start sleeping more and drinking less. last night was yet another night spent dancing away in a cheesy club, and god, was it great. then walked back and talked and talked and i received an innocent kiss to say goodnight...
(if any of you is wondering, yes, i am being cryptic)
and now a whole bunch of friends is coming to my flat to cook dinner, and much food will be had, and probably much alcohol later on.
i cannot help but insist on one point: i love what my life is becoming. i really do.

i am happy, for a whole lot of wrong and right reasons altogether.
dancing away to cheesy music is always good. so's doing some dirty dancing and cracking up every five seconds.
i miss london still but having seen it today i actually can say... it's good but oxford's not bad either.
tomorrow will be economics and stats and so on; hopefully i'll survive. hopefully.
happy and sad at the same time actually.

i've been drinking too much. and, since i'm still ill (it's been 10 days dammit!) i get drunk on like two beers, which is a bad, bad thing. at least my first lecture is only at 11 tomorrow. it'll be fine.
i've lost my ER dvds and that really pisses me off. 75 quid worth of dvds... god knows where they've gone. sigh.
have another date on thursday. should be good fun. i need things to keep my mind away from bloody economics and stats, so it's nice to have stuff happening in my life.
other than that... i'm just so constantly busy that when i'm not i feel guilty and have to find things to do; so basically between studying and socialising i never have any free time. it feels good. it feels good to be finally busy and active and doing something with my life... i was so aimless for the past year that it makes such a huge, positive change.
a lot of me is still messed up about a lot of things, but i'll get through. i just need to keep myself as whole as possible, when it comes to work, relationships and friendships. i need to control my instincts because now is NOT the time to do something silly.
you know what though... i am happy. i am happy i am doing this and i can see how by the end of it i will feel so incredibly proud of myself, and nothing can beat that. now i just need to go through with it. i will get there.

i feel like i'm finally on a roll. sure, it's only just started, but it's been pretty good so far - i've done most of my readings for my anthro assignment yesterday and today, and spent about 5 hours doing stats in the library this morning/afternoon. i'm getting back some sort of will to do things and study, and i'm loving it because i finally understand things (it might take me a while, but i'm not stupid, you know).
...i don't actually dislike stats so much right now. i got into it and i guess i've realised you can do some pretty amazing things with them. god, how geeky of me.
today has been rainy, rainy, rainy and it worries me because... what if it doesn't stop?!? what if this is the beginning of the oxford rainy season?!? i don't like having wet feet.
my plan for the next three days is to work, work, work. and well, maybe go out tomorrow night. but i need to be disciplined, i've got to do it. i want to get the most out of this. someone from my course has already dropped out, and it feels weird because - well, i have considered it on several occasions already. of course it's never going to happen, but i need to be more positive about this. i'll make it through.
my complete lack of desire for men, relationship and everything that comes with those things persists, and that gives me quite a bit of satisfaction. it's something i've been craving for such a long time, and i feel a lot stronger for it. i just need to get on with it and... well, stop being a bitch. my problem is that i flirt too much, and that always has negative consequences. maybe i can learn to do it in ways that are... harmless? can you do that?
the two beers i've had in the wolfson bar tonight are making me talk too much; i do feel guilty for not posting more, but if you had any idea of how busy i've been... it's insane. and you know what, i'm loving the intensity of it all, it gives me energy, desire to do more, work more, learn more, socialise more. i've always considered myself to be extremely lazy (in a lot of senses) and it's just not the case anymore. and i've also started to appreciate my loudness and embrace my italian side when it comes to it. :)
facebook is still eating away at my life though. i can't believe how often it comes up in conversation...
and tomorrow, i can finally have a bit of a lie in (9 instead of 8) - good enough for me! to do list: laundry, new toothbrush, anthro assignment, second part of the stats chapter i've started, and then stats class in the afternoon. tomorrow night i've been invited to a housewarming party and apparently (according to charlotte) it's going to be a 'big night out' with all of my hooooomies. ah ah. shall be fun.
i don't actually mind never having any time to myself - is that weird? i like always having something to do. maybe student life really is for me.

too busy to write. my days go so fast, and they (strangely enough) always seem to end in the wolfson bar whatever my intentions are. did i tell you i think i'm a great bartender? and that ever since i've been here i feel kind of stupid? and that really, oxford does rock in a lot of ways despite its smallness? and that wolfson rocks as well despite being way too far from my department? and that FACEBOOK IS THE PLACE TO BE?!?
economics lecture in 9 hours. ops.

i have controlled myself, i have done what i thought was right and for once i have been honest with myself and others. it might sound like a small thing, but to me it is a huge step. i just like to banter, i really do, and i need to learn to leave it at that.
maybe it's the realisation that what i need in my life right now is not a lover or a boyfriend or an 'arrangement', it's friends. people who care about me and will support me just as much as i support them.
i'm being cryptic, i know. there's just a lot going in my life right now and sometimes it doesn't seem right to talk about things openly. i do apologise for that.
in seven hours i have to get up and get ready for matriculation. shit. i've done it again! (seriously, my social life is insane - i should really stop and do some work instead)
it's nice to meet lovely people like this. i do really like my life right now.
(i'm just hoping my sore throat will feel better tomorrow)

will i ever have time to write properly here?
i can't believe my first week as a postgrad (and my second week in oxford) is almost over already. it's been a whirlwind of lectures, libraries, parties, new friends, drinking, reading, banter, and god knows how much else.
if this intensity of living scares me somehow (i am really not used to it), i do find it very exciting nonetheless. i feel like it's going to give me energy, and desire to accomplish. it will be hard, it will be very, very hard, that's for sure, but it seems already like it will be so worth it.
i guess that despite all of my fears i can take challenges on, stil. maybe i'm not such a wreck like i thought i was.
shame for this sore throat that's killing me right now though...
well, i'm off to hand in my first assignment and print things and do some shopping. is this place mine already?

a new friend said to me:
it's easy to build up you own faults, but to others they don't even exist
it's weird how such a simple sentence can sound so very true.

it's only the first week and i'm burnt out already.
need to get into the swing of things...
i'm supposed to go out tonight but i will i make it? oh yes, nothing is going to stop me. i have been called the 'queen of wolfson' by someone, now that's pretty impressive in my opinion.
and the facebook addiction is paying out - i have a date with a friend of a friend on sunday. not bad eh?
learning that one of your ex's is married is kind of scary. makes me feel old. :) congratulations rob!
gotta go to the refectory for dinner now...
(this was initially longer but got deleted, crappy internet)

facebook is the best. i've been here just over a week and there's already drunken photos of me. what more could i ask for? i've spent way too much time talking about facebook with people. it's sad. it's brilliant. it's where the cool people are... don't ask. please just don't ask.
anyway, i've spent a lovely evening having dinner (the food in the dining hall really isn't that bad), then procrastinating looking at photos and talking about facebook and the bop in someone's room, and then headed down to the bar for a magners and more rubbish talk (gotta love the rubbish talk). i've found some really lovely people and you know what, it doesn't seem so bad anymore. i mean, i'll still have to do a lot of work, but it's reassuring to know there are some great people around.
seriously, i've only been here a week and i've socialised more than ever before. i'm loving it.
(i am still very disappointed by oxford's bus routes and the very small choice of shops, but you know...)
now i need a good night's sleep to prepare myself for tomorrow's stats lecture. the thought of it makes me shiver by itself. well, at least i've found someone who's really good at it and can help... bwahahah.
i really do like this place. i might be just fine, you know. such a relief.

is it normal that i spend about an hour on the phone to my mum every single day? erm. maybe not.
had my first anthropology class today. as i said before: it's going to kick my ass so hard... seriously. insane amounts of work: a couple of books plus articles to read each week, one presentation on an etnography per term, four short reviews of books/articles per term, plus one essay per term. ah ah. and this is just the one course...
sounds really interesting though and strangely enough i'm not too worried by how much of a challenge it's going to be; not anymore anyway. i'm rather more worried about statistics though...
btw, freshers' bop was HILARIOUS. i was dressed as a schoolgirl (well my uniform pretty much amounted to a jeans plait skirt, a white shirt and pigtails) and ended up drinking copious amounts of rum&coke (my new favourite drink). oh, and the biggest shot of sanbuca at the bar. we were just dancing to cheesy music aaaall night and then ended in a friend's room talking rubbish and drinking white wine. my favourite detail of the night: the wedding upstairs crashing our bop. see, postgrads know how to have fun.
seems like the fun's over for me though...
and sadly, i'm not being melodramatic.
(i can't believe i've managed NOT to read my stats book by doing other, mostly useless, things for an hour. i rock at procrastination)

my social life is taking off like at no other time in my life. it's great to be a postgrad fresher.
why is it that having afternoon naps is so damn annoying? i wake up and instead of feeling happy because i'm well rested, it pisses me off that i've wasted an hour and a half of my life. (especially now i've realised i do actually have quite a few readings to do for next week)
oh well. there's always the weekend.
in half an hour: college bar crawl, i.e. walking around oxford and its colleges and getting drunk. sounds good no? it's the best way to socialise anyway. how i've picked up the british ways, it's impressive.
i'm slowly building my routine: the first brick is dinner in the refectory at 7. stupidly early for my mediterranean roots but i don't really have a choice.
i love the fact that i have no interest in men whatsoever at the moment. they're always a disappointment anyway.
two posts in one day, i think i'm going over the top.

i can't decide which of my courses is going to polish me off and ultimately kill me: social anthropology, economics or quantitative research methods (i.e. statistics)? there's also one other option: finding books in one of oxford's hundred libraries. what do you think?
anyway i'll stop being melodramatic. i'm having a great time and meeting lots of people. my flatmates are lovely (so far i have, in order from the kitchen down the corridor, one chinese, one korean, myself, one caribbean, one american, one english). my coursemates as well - people from all over the place and with all sorts of different backgrounds (and we all seem to be more or less the same age, with a few exceptions, which is nice).
i've also met all of my lecturers, our director, my supervisor, my old hand(s) from college, and second years.
saturday night will be the wolfson uniform bop (=party), and next week informal dinner with our college advisors and matriculation (with sub fusc, gown and all the rest).
i'm settling right in, but i'm thinking the hardest part will be actually starting to work properly, read, write, think. i am excited about it but also slightly scared and that doesn't help.
the fresher's syndrome at oxford is: i am not good enough for this, i'm a fraud. every single person i've met feels this way so it's all normal. i just hope the feeling goes pretty soon because... well, it's a bit crap. :)
what else? my room is nice and has lots of storage to put all the enourmous amounts of shit i seem to own (things never change eh). the kitchen is so nice it makes me want to start cooking properly - won't happen though. i can already see that all of my lunches will be sandwiches in the covered market and dinners will be had in the refectory here at wolfson.
now the big question is: should i learn to ride a bike or should i just splash out on a bus pass?
ah the problems of an oxford student.
(god. i'm an oxford student. what happened?!?)

my course will kick my ass.
but it will also be very, very good.
oxford is small.
my room is nice.
i am tired.
(which is why i am making this so short!)
time for a cigarette outside.