so i am ill again; yesterday i left a lecture halfway through because i was tired, and by the time i got home, i had a temperature and felt pretty horrible. the whole of last night was spent being delirious, taking paracetamol every four hours and sleeping. today i feel better, but still pretty faint. have been doing some stats homework, finally. missing all of my classes today though, because there's no way i can walk all the way into town. it's bad, bad. last night i had a moment of panic and started crying because - what if i can't make it? i don't need to be ill on top of everything else and it really scares me how weak my body is. i guess it doesn't help that i haven't actually felt winter in a year and a half (had indonesian tropical weather instead), and also that i haven't had a lot of sleep lately. i need to sort myself out. i really am scared for my mental sanity though. i am losing hope i will make it through even though i know i can...
i need to learn to ask for help, however silly it might be, when i need to. friends are friends, doesn't matter for how long they've been there. right?
and then there's all sorts of other things happening in my life as well; deciding how much to reveal of yourself is always hard, even when you definitely want to. opening up has never been a problem for me (ultimately i am a very trusting person), but now i start having all of these doubts on whether i should be the way i am or not. can i even change? do i even want to change? it's confusing.
which is why i was a bit startled when he asked me inbetween hugs and kisses: 'what do you miss about him?' i had no idea what to say. it's something i've refused to think about for such a long time, mostly to preserve my emotional balance, that it now seems like a violation of my peace of my mind for someone to ask me something like that. but when he did ask i realised that maybe it is something i still need to work out. there has to be a way i can overcome all the bitterness and cynism and finally get to a point where i have some sort of real peace of mind. how can i even involve myself with someone else when i haven't worked these things out? the problem also is that i've accumulated more and more of these open-ended feelings in the last year, just because i couldn't deal with accepting them for what they were. so there's these names going around my head of people i don't really want to be with anymore but that just don't want to leave and they confuse me to no end.
am i even making sense? i still have a temperature so probably not...!
i guess i should go have some lunch. haven't cooked in so long i'm not sure i still know how.
in the end, it all goes back to lily allen (because she is my obsession of the moment):
whenever you see me
you say that you want me back
and I tell you it don't mean jack
no it don't mean jack
i couldn't stop laughing
no I just couldn't help myself
see you messed up my mental health
i was quite unwell
i was so lost back then
but with a little help from my friends
i found the light in the tunnel at the end...
(have i posted these already? probably. oh, it doesn't matter)