January 2007 Archives

the photo represents the way i feel today; disconnected from the world, wanting to hide away so i can avoid everything.
things have been piling up today because i decided it was necessary for me to have a day off after discovering that i'd gotten up an hour too late for my class (i could still have made it if i'd run, but that's definitely not my style!). it just seemed a good occasion to let go of things completely so i can get back into a routine where i do work on a daily basis from tomorrow.
it's not that i have huge amounts to do; i think it's intellectual fatigue more than anything else, just not being able to cope with the idea of stuffing even more information into my head. i feel more and more ignorant every day, and i think that's because i'm trying to fit way too much into my brain.
it didn't help that i felt completely ignored today, and that is not something i take well. i can appreciate i'm not the only one who's having a shit moment, but i do need some level of understanding - which i'm perfectly prepared to give back. maybe i'm just making things into something bigger than what they are, but i'm still angry and i'm still upset.
maybe i expect too much, i don't know.
hopefully the mood will get better tomorrow. i need to get back into it, and i need to do it well.
i just wish i could have a holiday from life. just a couple of extra days, you know. i think being so un-busy for my whole year out really did not help. i'm not used to pressure anymore and it's killing me.
i miss you.

what a truly shit end to a shit day.
and i know it's partly my fault, i get submerged by negativity and then everything turns bad, but at least...
oh, fck it. it doesn't matter. i'm tired, tired of a lot of stuff. all of these things to think about, core essay, weekly reading for my classes, more essays coming my way, a draft proposal for my thesis, it's all becoming a bit much and i don't feel quite committed enough. so i get stressed and just like that, all of the positive things in my life (and there are a few) just disappear, fade into this background of stress. half of the time i love this place, the other half i hate it - i'll be walking down the street and think it's all so amazing, and then by the time i've got back to my room i just want to be somewhere else. all of these ups and downs, they're tiring. what am i supposed to do?
it all comes in cycles, so i guess i'll be fine again in a couple of days and that'll be it.
i do need to deal with all this better though.
i just wish you'd stopped me and given me a kiss, no matter how stupid i was being. i know i was. i feel like i was. all i wanted was a kiss.

last night was burns' night dinner, haggis, a's speech (which included facebook joke about poking, completely lost on the fellows of course), wine, and caleidh (which i didn't do). it was good fun and my gorgeous indian bolero you can see to the right much appreciated.
this morning was getting up early and going to meet my potential thesis supervisor. who was lovely. who gave me the most perfect idea for my thesis, original, interesting, actually useful, based in london. it would be oh so great if it worked out. i shall meet my (department) supervisor and discuss on tuesday. if everything goes according to plan, i'll need to write a thesis proposal by the end of term and will have all of my contacts and research sorted out by trinity term. which of course gives me a huge headstart and makes me very very very happy.
the rest of day was (re)writing parts of my core essay and shuffling things around a bit (draft handed in last week, got it back with comments yesterday). very boring. but interesting, in the sense that i'm a lot more aware of what the weaknesses of the essay are, and i can work on them over the weekend, so it will reach (near) perfection by the time i have to hand it in on friday.
tonight is going to be a drink in the bar, some time with my friends, and snuggling up in bed with lovely m and maybe watch a dvd or something equally easy and relaxing. as long as he's next to me. when is the honeymoon period supposed to finish? because we may possibly be more and more disgustingly cute by the minute, and it's worrying. :) being in love is... undefinable. but beautiful.
tomorrow is more essay writing. and town to buy eczema cream. do you think using a hydrocortisone cream that's three years out of date without noticing is dangerous?!? i hope not. errr. i can't believe i never checked the date on it.
anyway, i'm ranting, really.

and so i too have joined the ranks of those who are doing the 365 days project; a self portrait a day, how long will it last? hopefully i'll be able to go the whole 365 days, if not... we'll see.
the essay was finished on wednesday (4,700 words or thereabouts!), and since then i've been taking things slowly, doing some work, watching a lot of grey's anatomy, trying to chill out properly before term gets going and i become a ball of stress.
friday night was heavy and hilarious, and involved dancing to italian music at a bop at green, recognising people from myspace (but not saying hello, silly me), drinking a shot of absinthe and 88% vodka (a killer, i'm telling you), orgies on the dancefloor (but without sex) and very silly/very serious conversations with m over chips&cheese on the way back. god bless the kebab vans.
i now have a cold again, i've lost count of how many times it's been. echinacea doesn't seem to work, i'm taking every vitamin known to man, and still... sigh. the weather in this town sucks. or is it the stress? i haven't actually felt so stressed out. i've finally got to the point where i pretty much don't give a crap (following someone's suggestion, i think my new year's resolution should be "thou shall not worry"). so no stress.
even though my eczema has come back with a vengeance.
at the moment i'm finding it very amusing to read the two uni papers - the oxford student and the cherwell. they're full of stories on colleges banning bops because of excessive vomiting, oxford undegrads doing lots of coke and so on. it's fantastic.
can you tell i'm bored?
(i guess it's time for that macroeconomics book, right?)

my essay is proceding at the speed of a pregnant elephant. eurgh.
mood is better.
i've made the decision that i really do need to be a lot more organised and that i will commit myself to doing more work this term. i need to take things more seriously.
which is why i've just done an hour of work on my essay, and almost finished the second section and started another two. now i'm worried this essay might actually become too long (as usual). i can't go over the word limit because there is a 5% penalty... ops. need to be very, very careful.
thank god development is always a load of babble and words in excess can be easily deleted. :)
i haven't slept next to m in two days and that makes me a bit sad. i really wish i had a double bed because that would make things a lot easier (and make me a lot happier). you can't argue with this; waking up next to someone you really care about just makes waking up a much better experience.
the other day as i was going through some papers i found the letter m left in my pigeonhole at the beginning of the year, when he had been assigned as my 'old hand'. who would have thought, back then, that this would happen. i have pinned it on the board in front of me and i look at it regularly just to remind myself how life always works in unexpected ways, and how wonderful it can be.
in other news, i have a meeting with my maybe-thesis-supervisor on the 26th and i'm very, very excited. she works for compas, and now that i've looked at their website i really wish i could end up working for them too. that would be so good.
enough daydreaming now. need to get down to work.

my mood is not improving, if anything it's just getting worse. at least i've started writing my essay (1,200 words so far, at least another 3,000 to go), which is quite interesting even though i lack all motivation.
i find it incredibly annoying how after all i've been through in the past couple of years something as silly as my course being hard work can bring me down so much. where's my strength? where's my resilience? i guess that's the worse part of it, how disappointed i feel with myself because of my lack of self-discipline and belief in myself. i know i will make it through, but i also know that i will not do the best that i can, and how can i respect myself when i know that?
sometimes i become scared because it seems depression is always hovering over me, ready to get me whenever i feel down. but what solution is there? i can't really do anything about it, and it makes me feel weak.
and so all my good intentions of whingeing less and getting on with it more of yesterday have already gone down the drain... that's how it always happens, i think.
tomorrow needs to be about intensive writing. i know i'll feel better once i get this thing done. that is, until i hand in the draft to my supervisor, and he tells me it's crap, confused and god knows what else.
it'll get better, won't it?

finally in the process of writing my core course essay, which is rather important since it will actually count towards my final mark for the course at the end of the two years (the average of my three core course essays will count for 20%). the thought is slightly scary since nothing i've done until now has actually counted. this oxford way of doing things is utterly confusing and a bit useless, to be perfectly honest, but i don't think complaining will help.
i think i should start complaining less and getting on with it more.
hilary term starts next week and i'm absolutely terrified. it will be hard. i don't think i have the energy for it, despite the very long holidays. why didn't i listen when my second year buddy said to me to be careful and not get burnt out in the first term? sigh. i guess i need some motivation, and i know i'll get there at some point, it's just that right now i really wish everything was different.
everything but the fact that in 10 minutes i will be in dining hall, with my friends and boyfriend, talking and laughing and enjoying myself, and if it wasn't for that i swear i would have quit by now.

let's start the list with:
seeing m turning bacon over in the grill with chopsticks.
that's what you get for having a half japanese boyfriend.
i find it quite confusing, how english he is (which i find so attractive, i've got a thing for english people, come on, you should know by now) and yet... japanese? which i find so attractive because... ah, who knows? am i supposed to understand why i like him as much as i do?
my brain feels like it's been in disuse for about a century and so work today was limited to three or four articles. i have a vague idea of what i should write this essay about, but 5,000 words are going to take a while so i really should start soon. thank god i've only got to hand it my draft by the 19th. this term is going to kill me.
i seriously have never been so scared of something starting as right now. hilary term 2007 is terrifying me and i don't know how i'm going to make it. it just seems too much to do and learn and understand.
and let's not even start on my feeling guilty for having done very, very little in the last three or four weeks. i have no excuses, really, if not that last term psychologically drained me.
anyway, enough whining. things are nowhere as bad as they sound, really.
if only we could just stay in our little cocoon, you and me... it feels so safe. i want to feel safe.

2006 has come and gone. ah. it's had its very, very, extremely bad moments, i have to say, but i've also met some incredibly cool people in the past year. overall, it was distressing, wonderful, terrifying and a lot of fun. does that makes sense?
it's all about the intensity.
i am back in oxford after christmas in paris, and a few days in bristol and bath. which are both lovely and made me realise there is a country outside of london (and oxford). god knows where i'll end up living - now i'm really starting to think maybe london isn't my only option. i don't want it to be anyway.
things with m are absolutely wonderful. we had three days in a small flat in montmartre, just the two of us, and that made me realise how much i love him. and the fact that my parents really liked him. :) the best bit has to be the text he sent me from the airport saying 'your dad hugged me before i left - can we swap?' and i just thought it was the sweetest thing ever.
other than that, we had a very low key NYE last night, in the wolfson bar, drinking and talking to our friends. it was nice actually. it was nicer than last year's, which was very depressing! it makes me feel so weird to think about indonesia and my eight months there nowadays. also because i've just received an email from one of the guys i worked with, and everything's changed, our NGO is gone, another one has replaced it, there's nothing left. a part of my life erased completely, circumstances which will never arise again... i guess i knew it when i left, that i would never be back. it feels like i dreamt it all now.
and from tomorrow, i seriously need to do some work.
(and the title of this entry is a drunken quote from our very own drunken superman from last night. ah, the fun times!)