my mood is not improving, if anything it's just getting worse. at least i've started writing my essay (1,200 words so far, at least another 3,000 to go), which is quite interesting even though i lack all motivation.
i find it incredibly annoying how after all i've been through in the past couple of years something as silly as my course being hard work can bring me down so much. where's my strength? where's my resilience? i guess that's the worse part of it, how disappointed i feel with myself because of my lack of self-discipline and belief in myself. i know i will make it through, but i also know that i will not do the best that i can, and how can i respect myself when i know that?
sometimes i become scared because it seems depression is always hovering over me, ready to get me whenever i feel down. but what solution is there? i can't really do anything about it, and it makes me feel weak.
and so all my good intentions of whingeing less and getting on with it more of yesterday have already gone down the drain... that's how it always happens, i think.
tomorrow needs to be about intensive writing. i know i'll feel better once i get this thing done. that is, until i hand in the draft to my supervisor, and he tells me it's crap, confused and god knows what else.
it'll get better, won't it?