the first time, just 18 years old, before london, before life, before the loss of innocence. still a child.
and the second time, last summer, before oxford, before a new life, a new love, new friends, a lot of stress.
i was very happy, i think, back then. many parts of my life had been empty for a long time, meaningless. but i guess i'd just gotten used to it, i was satisfied with what i had, somehow. and excited about the future, of course. i felt renewed, independent, intelligent.
and the third time, now. those many parts of my life which were empty are now filled, to the brim, with novelty, with happiness, with experience, with growing up. at the same time, i have all this stress, nervous breakdowns looming, wanting for this year to be over, sometimes.
i guess the conclusions i can make are:
* i've grown up a lot since the first time i was here, now almost five years ago.
* the whole 'no pain, no gain' thing is sadly true. i might have felt more content when i was here last here, but that's only because my life back then was on hold, in between things, and it'd been that way ever since i graduated. now it's different. more happiness, true and deep happiness, comes with a lot of problems.
* maybe, just maybe, i should see someone. someone as in a shrink. the thing is: i don't deal well with stress. not anymore. i don't recognise myself in this person who freaks out, and procrastinates excessively when she really shouldn't. i shall be fine in terms of my course, but i now i can do better. i only need to find out how i can make myself do better.
* i miss mike. which is completely unrelated, but so silly, and so endearing, and so true, and so loving, that i have to admit it. we're not a symbiotic couple, but we're pretty close. what can i say? i'm in love.
and now, the prettiest bed is waiting for me, and it's cold, and a day of spring sunshine is waiting for me after a good night's sleep.