The last couple of weeks haven't been pleasant. I haven't shaken off this depression yet, and that means that no real work has been done. But it doesn't matter, because I am leaving tomorrow. Christmas with my family and M, and then Japan, and I need to be excited about that. I need a real break so badly, still - or maybe I'm wrong, in which case I don't know what I'll do when I come back.
Now, one last terrifying thing to do before I finish packing and enjoy one last evening in Wolfson until January: email my supervisoress and explain to her that I don't have what she asked me for. I can't do anything but be honest. And it will be better.
I hope.
I am feeling much better after a good weekend and realising that things which kept me so busy this term (the refurbishment of our bar, and our college ball) are now coming to an end. On Saturday, Wolfson College shall host it Winter Ball, and the theme this year is 'Murder at the Manor'. I'm proud of what we achieved with it and I think it's going to be a great success. The following Monday, the refurbishment of the bar will start, with three phases of work taking place - the main ones this month and in early January, and the remaining one over three weeks also in January. I cannot wait to see the place brought back to life again, and I think it's going to look awesome with new paint, new lights, new floors, new furniture and whole host of other improvements.
There is no doubt I could have done more in the past three months when it comes to my academic work, but I don't regret doing these things. The situation might not be ideal, but my thesis will be done, and it will be done well, and I shall not doubt my abilities again. I have got this far, and I know I can do more.
Losing weight is also making me feel better and better - I am now 4.9 kgs down, 13 or so to go, and I'm impressed. I never thought it was going to be this easy, and I haven't really been hungry at any point - I've also deviated from my diet a few times, but eating healthy food is doing wonders.
I will do all this, and I'll be as good as I can be. I've also got other things to look forward to - Christmas with my parents and M, our trip to Japan after that, and freedom come next summer, with the added bonus of a trip to India in September for my aunt's birthday. I also plan on going back to Croatia for a couple of weeks, and spend another couple of weeks by our swimming pool in Italy. I cannot wait to have time to do absolutely frivolous things, like painting my toenails. :)
I'm also fairly excited to have found out my cousin - whom I've never met, but have always wanted to - is a fantastic artist, as you can see here. Who knew there was such talent in my family? I really want to meet her, and I think I will be organising a trip with my dad to Hamburg so I can see the places of his childhood and meet her and my other cousin. I've always had a small family, and the idea that I actually do have an extended family is quite appealing.
And now it's time for me to help build a mini Eiffel tower for our ball. Let's be creative, shall we?
Yesterday I had the most horrendous meeting with one of my various supervisors, which left me as a panicky trembling mess for most of the day. During such meeting, the following things happened, in no particular order:
* I was told my thesis was far too descriptive (did not 'problematise' the issue enough, I guess) and I would be marked down for it;
* I was shouted at for not having started to write my thesis yet because I need a complete first draft by January and I have two classes next term;
* I was ignored when I tried to explain that this term has been very tough on me, and I've been feeling down (to put it lightly);
* I was shouted at for having written the big report for the big NGO, despite the fact that writing such report means that I know my data inside out, and all of it (both quantitative and qualitative) has already been analysed, which is obviously a huge chunk of the prep work required for my thesis;
* I was looked at in disbelief when I said I was going away for three weeks over the Christmas break, with eyes telling me I am irresponsible and frankly slightly crazy;
* I was almost told a half comment on the essay I have just submitted after saying what the title is, and then was just told 'we'll see how that goes';
* I was generally made to feel like a naughty school child, or alternatively, like I am really not good enough to do this, or alternatively, like I have no right to be here.
So not the best of experiences. After having lunch with some friends, I walked home and proceeded to cry for most of the day. M spent an hour on the phone trying to make me feel better, and by the end of the phone call I was so psychologically and emotionally exhausted I fell asleep curled up on the sofa. My nap continued when M came home and made me move to the bed; by the time I woke up I had a splitting headache, and had to cancel on a friend's birthday dinner (to which M went). So I spent my evening in front of the TV watching rubbish and feeling even more miserable than I have for the last few weeks.
Basically, yesterday was possibly one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time. It doesn't help that I feel completely lost when it comes to my thesis, and I don't even know where to start. I've never written anything this long, and the prospect of getting this thing together is so daunting it makes me want to cry (some more).
So let's just say I'm not feeling great.
And now I need to go back to reading the gazillion articles I have printed out for my bibliography. I'm not sure how I am going to do this, and it makes me feel guilty, so incredibly guilty, because maybe I'm just not meant to be here.
p.s. the only positive thing in this sea of desperation: 3.8 kgs lost, 14.2 kgs to go. And the whole dieting thing is not that bad.
