Yesterday I had the most horrendous meeting with one of my various supervisors, which left me as a panicky trembling mess for most of the day. During such meeting, the following things happened, in no particular order:
* I was told my thesis was far too descriptive (did not 'problematise' the issue enough, I guess) and I would be marked down for it;
* I was shouted at for not having started to write my thesis yet because I need a complete first draft by January and I have two classes next term;
* I was ignored when I tried to explain that this term has been very tough on me, and I've been feeling down (to put it lightly);
* I was shouted at for having written the big report for the big NGO, despite the fact that writing such report means that I know my data inside out, and all of it (both quantitative and qualitative) has already been analysed, which is obviously a huge chunk of the prep work required for my thesis;
* I was looked at in disbelief when I said I was going away for three weeks over the Christmas break, with eyes telling me I am irresponsible and frankly slightly crazy;
* I was almost told a half comment on the essay I have just submitted after saying what the title is, and then was just told 'we'll see how that goes';
* I was generally made to feel like a naughty school child, or alternatively, like I am really not good enough to do this, or alternatively, like I have no right to be here.
So not the best of experiences. After having lunch with some friends, I walked home and proceeded to cry for most of the day. M spent an hour on the phone trying to make me feel better, and by the end of the phone call I was so psychologically and emotionally exhausted I fell asleep curled up on the sofa. My nap continued when M came home and made me move to the bed; by the time I woke up I had a splitting headache, and had to cancel on a friend's birthday dinner (to which M went). So I spent my evening in front of the TV watching rubbish and feeling even more miserable than I have for the last few weeks.
Basically, yesterday was possibly one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time. It doesn't help that I feel completely lost when it comes to my thesis, and I don't even know where to start. I've never written anything this long, and the prospect of getting this thing together is so daunting it makes me want to cry (some more).
So let's just say I'm not feeling great.
And now I need to go back to reading the gazillion articles I have printed out for my bibliography. I'm not sure how I am going to do this, and it makes me feel guilty, so incredibly guilty, because maybe I'm just not meant to be here.
p.s. the only positive thing in this sea of desperation: 3.8 kgs lost, 14.2 kgs to go. And the whole dieting thing is not that bad.