Things are definitely spiralling out of control. I don't really feel like leaving my flat anymore and writing still isn't happening, or any other form of work for that matter. I feel depression looming very very close to me. It is so debilitating to go to bed every evening thinking of all things I'm going to do the next day, how I'm going to wake up refreshed and work so hard, and then being unable to even get out of bed in the morning, and bursting into tears for reasons I cannot even articulate. I sleep, I eat, I talk to people, I even go to lectures; overall, I do function, but my every action is like that of a robot. I don't really feel like myself at all.
I have set up a meeting with one of the university counsellors though, and hopefully they'll help me work through this. As M. said, at least I want to get out of this and that's a good sign.
I guess I will also have to speak to both of my supervisors about this, but I can think about that after I see the counsellor.
I never thought I could be so scared of failure to get myself into this state, really.
p.s. I know writing this here might not be a good idea, as there are plenty of people I know who read this. If you're reading this and know me and see me on a weekly basis, please do be discreet. In some ways I do still feel very embarrassed about my own weaknesses, and I would like people to keep thinking I am strong and get through stuff. It's just that I'm really not.
...Heath Ledger. :( It's really sad. Poor guy.
Seems so weird, considering how excited I was to see him as the Joker in the new Batman movie... It's definitely going to be bizarre watching it knowing he's dead.
Mmh. I better start saving now if I want this to be mine. And oh, I do! It will be mine!
I can see most of my future salaries will be spent on designer furniture and plates.
(Yes, I keep dreaming instead of working. It's great.)
Work still isn't going well, due to the fact that... I haven't done any. I will get it together now though. I only have to think of this: six more months, and it'll be all over. Which is a shame, in some ways, because I love Wolfson and I do love my life here. But Oxford is starting to feel like a small fit, and I'm starting to get cabin fever.
It's a combination of things. First of all, I am tired of this Master's and I am realising how pointless research really is. It might be because I am not particularly keen to do research at the moment, but I'm starting to feel like there is no point to it, no practical advantages - and if there are no practical advantages, what are we doing it for? To prove that we can? I could start a very long rant on this, but I won't, it just isn't worth it. I think I've come to the conclusion that academia really isn't for me, and that's fine.
Secondly, and connected to what I've just said, I feel like I need to get out there, in the famous 'real world'. Which may not be any more real than this world, but at least will allow me to find the lifestyle I've been craving for the last few weeks. I seriously do not mind the idea of working in London, in an office-based environment, as long as it means that I get evenings and weekends to myself, without having to feel guilty about what I haven't done and needs doing constantly. M and I are both considering consultancy, and I need to look into ones which would allow me to work in connection with NGOs and the non-for-profit sector.
Thirdly, the lifestyle mentioned above. In the past few weeks I have made a real effort to start eating healthy food; I don't think I've ever eaten such a varied diet, with lots (and I do mean lots!) of fruit and vegetables. I do feel better, and I think I am slowly overcoming my complicated relationship with food and with my body. It's something I've needed ever since I was a teenager. I am reconnecting with my body, trying to understand it, and in the meantime I've lost 7 kgs which is not bad going. But it's not just a question of adding spinach, blueberries and tofu to my diet; it's a question of living and spending my free time in an environment I love. I would love to have my own place next year, somewhere I have chosen. Somewhere where I can 'nest', which may sound absolutely un-feminist, but is something I've been feeling very strongly. Even though I love our flat here, there is little space and sometimes I feel trapped, which is ridiculous since I am surrounded by the things I've collected over the years during my travels which I love! I just need more space, and I really want more of my own things, pretty furniture, and the chance to completely organise my space and make somewhere really 'mine'.
Maybe I've become too cynical, but I've got to the point where I want to earn my own money, be able to treat myself and my home (wherever that might be!) to the things I like. I don't know whether that makes me unambitious - I'm not even sure why I should be expected to be ambitious. Somehow, I feel like I am expected to, because I've been to Oxford, because I am who I am. I am starting to think I may not need to be. I'm not sure.
Anyway, I shall post pictures of Japan soon. And possibly of my flat.
Now I've left it far too long - almost a month! - and there is too much to say, about Christmas, Japan, presents, pretty things, impressions, photos, and the freedom of being away from here. Instead I am now awake at 7 in the morning due to jetlag, it's slowly getting light outside, and I am seriously considering just staying up because I know that otherwise I'll waste the whole morning sleeping.
I am falling into the same rut again and it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion; am not quite sure what to do, but I see a solution has to be found. How does this place make me as happy as it does with everything but my academic life, I'll never understand.
I will post pictures of Japan soon, I promise. First I need to find the will to start my academic life again. First class of my migration course on Tuesday, maybe it'll help...?
(is this one of those periods which will make me wonder in a couple of years' time, like I do now with my summer at the end of the uni? The one where I was most definitely depressed but I will never know? Should I find out, really? Or am I just being obnoxious?)
