Work still isn't going well, due to the fact that... I haven't done any. I will get it together now though. I only have to think of this: six more months, and it'll be all over. Which is a shame, in some ways, because I love Wolfson and I do love my life here. But Oxford is starting to feel like a small fit, and I'm starting to get cabin fever.
It's a combination of things. First of all, I am tired of this Master's and I am realising how pointless research really is. It might be because I am not particularly keen to do research at the moment, but I'm starting to feel like there is no point to it, no practical advantages - and if there are no practical advantages, what are we doing it for? To prove that we can? I could start a very long rant on this, but I won't, it just isn't worth it. I think I've come to the conclusion that academia really isn't for me, and that's fine.
Secondly, and connected to what I've just said, I feel like I need to get out there, in the famous 'real world'. Which may not be any more real than this world, but at least will allow me to find the lifestyle I've been craving for the last few weeks. I seriously do not mind the idea of working in London, in an office-based environment, as long as it means that I get evenings and weekends to myself, without having to feel guilty about what I haven't done and needs doing constantly. M and I are both considering consultancy, and I need to look into ones which would allow me to work in connection with NGOs and the non-for-profit sector.
Thirdly, the lifestyle mentioned above. In the past few weeks I have made a real effort to start eating healthy food; I don't think I've ever eaten such a varied diet, with lots (and I do mean lots!) of fruit and vegetables. I do feel better, and I think I am slowly overcoming my complicated relationship with food and with my body. It's something I've needed ever since I was a teenager. I am reconnecting with my body, trying to understand it, and in the meantime I've lost 7 kgs which is not bad going. But it's not just a question of adding spinach, blueberries and tofu to my diet; it's a question of living and spending my free time in an environment I love. I would love to have my own place next year, somewhere I have chosen. Somewhere where I can 'nest', which may sound absolutely un-feminist, but is something I've been feeling very strongly. Even though I love our flat here, there is little space and sometimes I feel trapped, which is ridiculous since I am surrounded by the things I've collected over the years during my travels which I love! I just need more space, and I really want more of my own things, pretty furniture, and the chance to completely organise my space and make somewhere really 'mine'.
Maybe I've become too cynical, but I've got to the point where I want to earn my own money, be able to treat myself and my home (wherever that might be!) to the things I like. I don't know whether that makes me unambitious - I'm not even sure why I should be expected to be ambitious. Somehow, I feel like I am expected to, because I've been to Oxford, because I am who I am. I am starting to think I may not need to be. I'm not sure.
Anyway, I shall post pictures of Japan soon. And possibly of my flat.