So. I had my second meeting with my counsellor yesterday. After the 50 minutes of crying I had last week which left me feeling drained and unresolved, it was surprisingly helpful. I felt a lot calmer - I guess I've had time to accept the things we discussed, which ranged from the specific kinds of pressure I feel, to the disappointment I feel towards my course, to the reasons why I am so scared of criticism. All of these things somehow link to the difficulties I've had starting my thesis, and being able to rationalise them has made me feel much better.
A lot of this also explains my tendency to procrastinate, and the links to that horrendous break-up three years ago are also clear.
I feel like I am finally able to look at myself not just in the past, but also in the present, and understand why I act the way I do. It feels pretty unsettling, to a certain extent, but it also comes with huge relief.
I guess I will get there. I am not as anxious as I was a week ago, and I definitely don't feel as bad when I wake up in the morning. They might be baby steps, and I haven't started writing my thesis yet, but there's a couple of things I will try to do this week to get me started.
I think one big realisation is that, at the end of the day, the one thing I really need to keep track of is my mental sanity. I will not let my course and department ruin the whole of the Oxford experience I've had so far, and even though I will be glad to put an Oxford Master's on my CV, I refuse to believe it will say anything at all about me apart from the fact that I've been close to a nervous breakdown on several occasions and survived.
Other than that, our lovely C. came to visit and left for Kenya again (crazy woman, really). Having her here reminded me even more of how much better last year was. I do think that if the same people had stuck around this year I probably would have not had such hard a time. But what you do? I am still trying to make the most of it, and there are two people in this college who save my life on a daily basis. My pomegranate-eating Russian and the lovely M. really are the best things that could have ever happened to me.
My obsession with home-making and pretty furniture and furnishings continues, and I have actually bought both Living etc. and Elle Decoration this month. The idea that one day I'll be able to buy all these beautiful things to make a beautiful house makes me happy to no end. This morning I was even wondering whether I should have gone for the route I'd planned when I was 16, that of being an interior designer. Frivolous, maybe, but... There's something there. Maybe one day.
And now I shall eat a mandarin and finish my magazines whilst enjoying the cold, almost spring-like air coming through my window, and the green outside.