Strangely, I've been busier since finishing than for the rest of this year. Greeting people outside their exams, punting, ordering booze for the bar, attending formal dinners and balls, and of course, drinking a lot. Also, weeping at Italy's stupid loss against Spain. Oh well.
Everything is getting far too intense though - people leaving, people upset about leaving, and some upsetting news about old friends... It's been a weird couple of weeks.
I'll feel better one M and I can finally sit down and decide what the hell we are going to do after we move out of here on the 20th... In some ways I don't want to leave, in other I feel like I really want to get out and get started with this new life as soon as possible. It's a bit frustrating not knowing what will happen, but at the same time I feel like this place has not got much left for me. Even though I have some amazing friends here, I really do need a change. Who knows where we'll be?
(and some money would be nice too...)
And so it is
Just like you said it should be...
The random meeting (and possible convergence) of two friends from two different worlds has led me to think about the incredible ways in which we end up with the people we end up with, how many amazing friendships are borne out of chance... It made me think about how lucky I was to end up here, how everything could have been different.
Smaller versions of the butterfly effect, insignificant details of past lives which led us here. Who would I be if my lovely people, my almost family, wasn't here? My boy, the lovely Russian, Carmencita, and so many more.
Somehow I cannot but profoundly believe that this version of my world (one of many possible ones) is the absolute best I could have had. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yes, the end of exams has made me emotional, even though it hasn't quite sunk in yet.
The end of another era, I guess.
Exam tomorrow (Migration and Development) and Tuesday (Health and Development).
Then: freedom, booze, sun (hopefully).
Obstacles: might die before I get there (stress, tiredness, etc.).
Now: revision revision revision.
She says it all.
And I wholeheartedly agree. Sadly.
And you know what really sucks? I left my revision until the last week, and of course my friend C is visiting for 10 days right now, leaving the day I have my second (and last exam). What are the chances of that?
And now I have to go back and learn about epidemiological transitions. Fun stuff, let me tell you...
Today, Carmencita got here. We had fry-ups in the St. Giles Cafe', and I got pissed off at the pro-life protestors walking past. For the first time in ages, I enjoyed walking into town and then back. We had long conversations in my flat with tea, and had fun with youtube. We smoked and talked, and it all felt right again.
In the evening, we danced on the tables to silly songs (well guess what Joe, f*ck you right back...), and sung along (the word is on your lips, say the word, the word is on your lips, say the word...), and acted like idiots (we're like siamese twins connected by brains).
It felt so good, it felt like last year. I don't know why this year has just been wrong, too heavy on my brain, and I've ended up getting lost in my head. Thinking neurotically, worrying constantly, losing what self-confidence I had, this year has destroyed me in too many ways. It's weird how just one person being back here for a few days makes me remember how good it can be, and makes me realise it's all possible, still. It also makes me feel guilty, because I do have awesome people here, M and the lovely Russian above all others, and there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy... It's all so complicated, and I don't have the necessary distance to process all of my thoughts and fuckedupness right now.
Next year, whether it is going to be here or in London, is already exciting, and it is the one thing that gives me hope. I'll become more relaxed, I'll learn to chill out again, properly. I haven't been able to let go in so long - this has been my first truly fun late night in weeks, and it feels good. I feel good.
