Today, Carmencita got here. We had fry-ups in the St. Giles Cafe', and I got pissed off at the pro-life protestors walking past. For the first time in ages, I enjoyed walking into town and then back. We had long conversations in my flat with tea, and had fun with youtube. We smoked and talked, and it all felt right again.
In the evening, we danced on the tables to silly songs (well guess what Joe, f*ck you right back...), and sung along (the word is on your lips, say the word, the word is on your lips, say the word...), and acted like idiots (we're like siamese twins connected by brains).
It felt so good, it felt like last year. I don't know why this year has just been wrong, too heavy on my brain, and I've ended up getting lost in my head. Thinking neurotically, worrying constantly, losing what self-confidence I had, this year has destroyed me in too many ways. It's weird how just one person being back here for a few days makes me remember how good it can be, and makes me realise it's all possible, still. It also makes me feel guilty, because I do have awesome people here, M and the lovely Russian above all others, and there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy... It's all so complicated, and I don't have the necessary distance to process all of my thoughts and fuckedupness right now.
Next year, whether it is going to be here or in London, is already exciting, and it is the one thing that gives me hope. I'll become more relaxed, I'll learn to chill out again, properly. I haven't been able to let go in so long - this has been my first truly fun late night in weeks, and it feels good. I feel good.