I go back and forth in my mind, and I keep wondering: why am I doing this? I thought getting a crappy admin job was about having time to think, but somehow I'm so wrapped in it I never seem to have time to think, or see my friends, or tell my friends anything interesting. I lack a purpose, and I don't know what to do. The only thing I know how to do is how to apply to these shitty jobs, because, well, they're admin, they're nothing. Finding something I actually want to do would imply I know what I want to do, and I really don't.
I know what's important to me - my life here with M, and my lovely friends, my family. But those are just the basics. There's a few frivolous things too, and then the mere urgency of having to 'put food on the table', so to speak. But none of these things can lead me to know what I want to do.
If money was not an issue, if I could do anything I wanted, I would set up things in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lost along the way, why didn't I do this six years ago when the option was there? I don't regret any choices I made per se, I just regret letting go of all the other ones.
I just need to find out what I want to do.