Things this end of Oxford are becoming a bit difficult. Or maybe frustrating is a better word; I'm frustrated with myself, with people, with work, with the world. The problem isn't a lack of willingness to change direction - the willingness is all there, because I know it needs to happen - but a lack of confidence in my ability not even to take a new direction, but to pick one. I've felt lost for too long, and somehow I'm having a really hard time finding my way again. And of course this is affecting all other aspects of my life, and everything is just becoming too much. This complete lack of self-esteem makes every action so difficult. It doesn't help that we're all a bit lost, with all of our own problems, and inevitable clashes/crashes happen.
I know I need to do something else, I know that. Where I am with my life right now just makes me unhappy, but somehow being unhappy isn't enough for me to start doing something else. It's hard to see the bigger picture, and so I get stuck on the small, inconsequential, and upsetting details. And by doing this I do no good to anybody, and I start feeling like dead-weight.
I keep thinking I've sunk to the bottom, and now I can only go up; but it never seems to be the case. Maybe it's time for me to ask for some help.