dashofmilk.co.uk

it is time.

2008-07-06T17:07:28Z

This is a somewhat random post: first, some news, and then, some reflections.

+ + +

After losing all sense of reality for a week or so and convincing myself I'd failed my course, I found out last week I have, indeed, passed. That means that for a week now I have been Vanina W., MPhil (Oxon). Or Vanina, the (a?) Master of Philosopy in Development Studies.

I also found out on the same day that M and I can keep our flat here until the 7th of September; which means - we don't have to move for a while yet! I still spent most of today re-organising my wardrobe, and getting together a huge bag of clothes to donate to Oxfam. Having nothing to do means I've gone all domesticated again: today I have tidied, cleaned, baked, and ironed...

And of course, I'm still obsessing with the song 'Fascination' by Alphabeat, i.e. the awesomest song ever.

+ + +

Once again, I find myself staying as others leave. Some of the best friends I've made this year have now left, and it makes me wonder how many more times is it going to happen to me - and how many more times I'm going to do the same to my friends. It breaks my heart to leave this life, my lovely Russian, life as a student - and yet I feel ready for the next step, whatever that might be.

I have spent the last few weeks feeling confused, and hurt by small and big things. Small things, like the fact that M lost his Starbucks mug, the one that goes with my Kyoto Starbucks mug, the one he uses every morning to have tea, somewhere in college... Small things like that upset me in such a weird way - they stick, somewhere in my brain, and I cannot get rid of them. I still get tearful now if I think of a beautiful art deco glass and metal fruit bowl which was stolen from my parents' house when I was 7 or so... And then the big things: like the fact that I haven't managed to build much of a relationship with most of my (now ex) coursemates. This is not to say I regret spending as much time as I have in college, and focusing on these friendships. I guess what makes me sad is the realisation that I will never be able to take advantage of all the chances which are given to me to do great things; that every time I make a choice, I might end up missing out on something...

+ + +

Another day, another evening in the bar. My friends are what I live for, and I will always be thankful for these two amazing years in Oxford.

confusing days

2008-06-22T21:57:21Z

Strangely, I've been busier since finishing than for the rest of this year. Greeting people outside their exams, punting, ordering booze for the bar, attending formal dinners and balls, and of course, drinking a lot. Also, weeping at Italy's stupid loss against Spain. Oh well.
Everything is getting far too intense though - people leaving, people upset about leaving, and some upsetting news about old friends... It's been a weird couple of weeks.
I'll feel better one M and I can finally sit down and decide what the hell we are going to do after we move out of here on the 20th... In some ways I don't want to leave, in other I feel like I really want to get out and get started with this new life as soon as possible. It's a bit frustrating not knowing what will happen, but at the same time I feel like this place has not got much left for me. Even though I have some amazing friends here, I really do need a change. Who knows where we'll be?
(and some money would be nice too...)

and so it is...

2008-06-11T22:31:20Z

And so it is
Just like you said it should be...
The random meeting (and possible convergence) of two friends from two different worlds has led me to think about the incredible ways in which we end up with the people we end up with, how many amazing friendships are borne out of chance... It made me think about how lucky I was to end up here, how everything could have been different.
Smaller versions of the butterfly effect, insignificant details of past lives which led us here. Who would I be if my lovely people, my almost family, wasn't here? My boy, the lovely Russian, Carmencita, and so many more.
Somehow I cannot but profoundly believe that this version of my world (one of many possible ones) is the absolute best I could have had. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yes, the end of exams has made me emotional, even though it hasn't quite sunk in yet.
The end of another era, I guess.

it's that time of the year...

2008-06-08T14:44:30Z

Exam tomorrow (Migration and Development) and Tuesday (Health and Development).
Then: freedom, booze, sun (hopefully).
Obstacles: might die before I get there (stress, tiredness, etc.).
Now: revision revision revision.

yep, the lake of boredom

2008-06-04T13:12:45Z

She says it all.
And I wholeheartedly agree. Sadly.
And you know what really sucks? I left my revision until the last week, and of course my friend C is visiting for 10 days right now, leaving the day I have my second (and last exam). What are the chances of that?
And now I have to go back and learn about epidemiological transitions. Fun stuff, let me tell you...

a good day

2008-06-01T01:53:56Z

Today, Carmencita got here. We had fry-ups in the St. Giles Cafe', and I got pissed off at the pro-life protestors walking past. For the first time in ages, I enjoyed walking into town and then back. We had long conversations in my flat with tea, and had fun with youtube. We smoked and talked, and it all felt right again.
In the evening, we danced on the tables to silly songs (well guess what Joe, f*ck you right back...), and sung along (the word is on your lips, say the word, the word is on your lips, say the word...), and acted like idiots (we're like siamese twins connected by brains).
It felt so good, it felt like last year. I don't know why this year has just been wrong, too heavy on my brain, and I've ended up getting lost in my head. Thinking neurotically, worrying constantly, losing what self-confidence I had, this year has destroyed me in too many ways. It's weird how just one person being back here for a few days makes me remember how good it can be, and makes me realise it's all possible, still. It also makes me feel guilty, because I do have awesome people here, M and the lovely Russian above all others, and there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy... It's all so complicated, and I don't have the necessary distance to process all of my thoughts and fuckedupness right now.
Next year, whether it is going to be here or in London, is already exciting, and it is the one thing that gives me hope. I'll become more relaxed, I'll learn to chill out again, properly. I haven't been able to let go in so long - this has been my first truly fun late night in weeks, and it feels good. I feel good.

I must confess something...

2008-05-30T06:19:29Z

...I very occasionally enjoy a caramel soy latte (which I make myself, at least).
Does that automatically disqualify me from being Italian? :)

Summer VIIIs

2008-05-26T17:42:38Z

Rowing is definitely the top Oxbridge obsession. Everyone in Oxford (apart from me, it seems) either rows or cox, and by the time Summer VIIIs comes around, all you hear is rowing talk. Summer VIIIs is one of the big Oxford rowing competitions (the equivalent in Cambridge is called May Bumps, which actually takes place in June... Oxbridge people aren't that clever, you know). It is, in fact, a bumps race between all the colleges, with around 150 crews participating. Bumps races, again, are an Oxbridge tradition. This is how it works: there are thirteen boats in each division; boats start rowing at a distance of a length and a half from each other (a length being the length of a rowing boat), and then they have to chase each other with the intention of quite literally bumping the boat in front of them. It's quite a lot of fun to watch, and usually filled with drama of broken rudders! Broken ores! People catching crabs! (this is not a sexually transmitted disease, but rather when a rower, because of poor technique, loses control of his or her ore which then proceeds to either hit him or her in the face or sometimes groin, causing the boat to slow down considerably).
Summer VIIIs took place last week (from Wednesday to Saturday) and Wolfson did very well. I was there every day, runing up and down the towpath on the Cherwell to watch our six boats race. Both M and my lovely Russian were participating (M as a cox and rower, the lovely Russian as a rower), and lots of other people I knew, and I had lots and lots of fun. I, of course, managed over the course of four days to sunburn my face and get blisters on my feet from all the running, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.
See, until a few months ago I was a complete anti-rowing person (there are lots of them around!).
But ever since I've started thinking about the fact that I am going to be leaving Oxford soon, my attitude has changed a lot. I realise there are many things I did not take advantage of, for a variety of reasons. And so I am trying to enjoy every moment now, especially when it involves spending time with the people I love the most.
This is also partly because now my life in Oxford feels like a stolen moment. Let me explain... Today, whilst watching the streets go by from M's car, I realised that this is not my calling.
I know why I do not want to do a doctorate. I love my subject, and I find it fascinating, I truly do, but this is just not me. I do believe I have some amazing qualifications, and I could probably excel if I decided to follow this and keep doing it. But it doesn't feel very right anymore. I think I could have picked one of a variety of other subjects and done just as well, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have any particular talent for this. My path is somewhere else.
It's all about finding it now, and this somehow does excite me.

You know what...

2008-05-17T23:42:42Z

...I love right now?
Alphabeat and their single 'Fascination'. Makes me want to dance almost as much as 'Don't stop me now' by Queen. And 'King without a crown' by Matisyahu, a hasidic jewish rapper, who went to school with my lovely Carmencita. Ah, I am a woman of obsessions.
And, check this out... Every time I see this video, made by one of my friends with plenty of photos from my first year here, makes me kind of teary eyed. That's what it was all about, and even though it makes me sad to say it, this year comes nowhere close it. There's some great people, but that was something else.
In any case, I guess it's all about to end anyway.
But more importantly, last year will be re-enacted for a few days as Carmencita, Char, JP and hopefully as many others as possible will be reunited at the beginning of June! I cannot wait.
In the meantime, I'll avoid thinking about what comes after. And maybe try to revise for my exams...

random thoughts.

2008-05-04T22:50:57Z

In bullet points of sorts, because I am tired.
* * *
Another friend who's been around since last year leaves tonight. She's leaving the country and moving to the States for a new job, and I'm incredibly excited for her. Still, it's kind of sad, especially because I know it'll be me soon. We'll miss you S. I'm sure you'll have an amazing time out there.
* * *
Boris Johnson, really? I am reconsidering moving to London! I cannot believe people would elect such a mumbling buffoon, a public school/Oxbridge/never really needed to work guy who obviously knows fuck all about politics. It's depressing to know people can vote for someone that is so obviously not going to represent them in any way. At least the conservatives lost their only two seats in Oxford, and the ward I live in kept its Lib Dem councillor.
* * *
This morning I woke up with one of the worst hangovers of my life. I had no idea three pints of cider could have such an effect on me. Last night included the aforementioned S falling into the river, me poking most of my female friends on the boobs, and more generally a lot of very loud and very inappropriate conversations. I also ended up falling asleep on the sofa, as after coming home at 2.30 I decided to tell M I would 'watch some ER to sober up'. He then had to come get me at 5am and take me to bed. Today was mostly spent feeling sorry for myself, attempting hair of the dog (half a glass of Pimm's which did not go down well), eating barbecued sausages with lots of ketchup, drinking tea and then having Chinese take-away, whilst smoking continuously. Great. I've only just started to feel alive again.
* * *
M and I have been together for a year and a half (and a couple of days). And I'm as in love as always, and cannot believe how complete he makes me feel. This one is a keeper, really.
* * *
I am going home (to Paris) next week, for six days. The longest I've been away from Wolfson/Oxford since Christmas, and also the first time I'll be away from M for more than a day or two since September. Kind of scary, but much needed. The following activities shall be undertaken whilst home:
- Go to the hairdresser.
- Go to the eye doctor and get new contact lenses.
- Go to the German embassy and apply for a new passport.
- Go to my mother's physical therapist and get my back sorted out.
- Download all the TV series I've been missing in the last few months, and a couple of new ones.
- Eat good food.
...And generally veg out.
It's going to be awesome. Apart from the lack of cigarettes. I really do wish my mother would face the fact I smoke. Parents, eh. They'll never get there.

elsewhere

2008-05-02T23:39:34Z

I am getting this urge to move to somewhere new, somewhere different. I love London, and I'm definitely glad to go back there. But there's so many cities I want to live in - Tokyo, New York, San Francisco. And I don't know if ever will.
I keep seeing beautiful photos of cities at night, and keep thinking 'I want to be there'.
I need something exciting. I really do want to live somewhere else.
Why is it that when you become an 'adult' this kind of thing becomes so much more difficult? Moving to London at 18 was the easiest thing I ever did, and I don't think it can be the same now.
I think part of it is that I keep wondering where I'll end up, what will I be doing in two, five or ten years' time...
I'm getting itchy again.

an evening like any other.

2008-04-28T23:08:54Z

Saying goodbye to a friend from last year, who I will not see again for a long time. Two of pints of cider later (in the King's Arms, amongst the New College rah-rah-rah), I realise I'm coming to the end too.
The end of my time here, the end of the biggest ups and downs I've had, ever. The end of a life I've loved and hated with a passion. Going towards a really uncertain future, with all of the uncertainties of it - where are we going to live? Will we able to stay together? Will I be able to find my way in the world? Will I earn enough to do the things that I now feel I need to do to be happy?
It's scary. In some ways it's less scary than other changes in my life; I know this time I have M., and again I have friends left, my lovely Russian, Carmencita, Char, people I will keep connections with.
Who knows what I'll be doing in a year's time?
My hope is that I'll be back here for the evening, having a drink with my friends.
I will miss Oxford. I really will.

one of the many ends.

2008-04-25T08:18:27Z

I can't believe this process is over. I thought I would wake up this morning and realise "It's done". But I didn't, I woke up feeling the same. People told me it would be an anti-climax, and they were right.
If I think about the hell that have been the past few months, all of those feelings of being inadequate, the paralysing self-doubt... How can I not be crying out of happiness right now?!?
I guess it'll take a while to sink in. I think I'll also take a while to realise this is the biggest thing I've done in my life, and it might be just silly academia, but it's something.
Yesterday I voiced for the first time something I've known for a few months: I can safely say I will never, ever, be an academic.
And that's a fact.

done. almost.

2008-04-24T12:28:33Z

I am sitting in my department waiting for my thesis to be bound, and then I shall hand in. A whole day early! How exciting.
To be honest, I could have probably done more on it today. But I just don't care enough anymore, and so this is it.
I'll still be walking with my sauntering friend M so he can hand in his tomorrow, so I guess there won't be excessive drinking tonight. I just will be free.
And my exams aren't until the 9th and 10th of June! I might even go home for a week before that...
Oh, and I seem to have started a trend: everyone at Wolfson is now complaining about the gardeners! Joys of joys.

such ups and downs.

2008-04-23T22:54:18Z

I've just received a final few comments from dear N, who has been one of my loyal proofreaders. And it gave me that list bit of oompfh I needed to get through the final stage of tying it all together in my conclusion.
And people, I do believe I have managed to make a coherent argument, somehow. It just doesn't look so shit anymore because guess what - what I am saying in this thesis is not actually useless! Actually, it could be very useful! Who knew?
And tomorrow: print and bind.
And Friday: hand in and get drunk.
Yay for thesis! Even though it does rhyme with faeces. I blame Carmen. Don't ask.